I remember reading about a case study from a Romanian orphanage that wanted to run their orphanage like an assembly line. Diaper change, bottle given, placed in crib. For the development of a child, those are the most crucial times in life when touch and affection and love foster the emotional development of a child.
The children would cry out for attention and affection to be left alone for hours on end until the diaper was changed, the bottle given, and they were placed back in their crib.
The infants became emotionally catatonic and lost ability to weep or emotionally connect with others. Researchers found babies whimpering at barely audible levels. They called Silent Weepers, for they cried alone, internally, isolated from touch, care, or affection.
This is not far from many of us today. I’ve seen people from every facet of life who are emotionally catatonic, internalizing pain, failure, and brokenness. We walk around like silent weepers, because we feel like orphans at times. Alone. Rejected. Isolated. Unloved.
Today I’ll be speaking at Catalyst West on confident leadership. So I’m sharing with you the two things I’ll be passing along to those in lab attendance.
- Courage.
There is a difference between courage and bravery that we’ve lost in English translation. Bravery is William Wallace in Braveheart, Queen Esther chapter 4, Lady Gaga showing up to an awards show in an EGG?! That’s bravery. But courage? The word courage comes from the Latin word cur, meaning heart. The original understanding of the word courage means to tell the story of who you are from your whole heart.
This means owning who you are and maintaining your vulnerability. In our culture we are losing the tolerance for vulnerability. We equate being vulnerable with being weak. So we hold on to PERFECTION and PERFORMANCE and PLEASING rather than admitting weakness.
We hate vulnerability because it is at the core of fear, anxiety and shame. But vulnerability is also the birthplace of joy, love, creativity, faith. So how do we courageously tell our story and be vulnerable with our brokenness, yet still connect and find acceptance with people?
- Connection.
For connection to occur, we need to be seen. Really seen! From a spiritual aspect, connection is why we are here; it gives purpose and meaning to our lives. From a neurological standpoint, we are hard-wired and designed to connect with people. Adam was built a partner because it wasn’t good for him to be alone. Barnabas was Paul’s road dog. God is triune; even He’s has connection!
Why can’t we allow ourselves to be seen? Because we’re don’t want to do the emotional labor and toil of being vulnerable, exposed, real and raw. It’s easier and safer if I just cry by myself in my crib, alone, isolated, and failing to thrive.
But I honestly feel that a confident leader is a broken leader who knows it, owns it, and connects with other people in the process.
For the silent weepers, know that you’re not alone. You’re not abandoned or forgotten, but adopted and loved by God. Today, tomorrow, and always. [Eph 1:3-8]
Wow..this really hits home…When I was born, I was put in an orphanage until my wonderful parents were able to adopt me…granted I was only 6 weeks old, but I came to find out later that it was policy in the orphanage to not hold, nurture or cuddle with the infants. It was explained to me that this was to keep a bond from forming between the caretakers and the infants.
Thank God I got the parents i have today. They were the awesomeness of love and caring…but to this day I have a constant battle with self-worth…where the hell it came from I don't really know, as my parents were the most loving and supportive. Oddly enough, it was maybe their love and caring that allowed me to be "courageous" in always having a inner self awareness of analyzing myself and trying to be a better person…but it's a slippery slope when you have a constant "I suck" attitude that drives you to be a better person while self analyzing your "faults" and abilities…
I'm not here to say I had it like the poor innocents you document above, nor that I can attribute my self-doubting characteristics to any lack of bonding during my first six weeks of life…but it's definitely worth a look at realizing just how important it can be to understand the development process and how much LOVE can truly build a person, both during the infant stages and throughout life. Maybe by God's great grace, he gave me the parents I have in which their overwhelming love set back some of the damage that may have happened in those fist six weeks that otherwise would have lead me to develop a personality that was much darker and un-emotional had I been there any longer or not having the love and acceptance I did receive…sorry if this was a babbling moment…just wrote it as it came out.
Thanks Bianca for making us all aware of your journey in imparting how important Love is in this world.
Mike
Sad about those children will pray for them wherever they are. GOOD post B.
Keep you in prayer as you minister today.
Praying for you for today's event! I am actually watching it live right now from New Jersey.
May many be encouraged through this!
Nayi
Your in my prayers today as you speak. Lots of Love
Loved this!!!
praying for you today! 🙂
You dear Bianca, are one of the very few that owns that vulnerability, but yet strong at the same time. Of course you credit your strength through Him. But for those who don't know Him, you just continue shining that light of yours which will light the pathway towards Him…
Bianca, your words are always so on target – and this, “We equate being vulnerable with being weak. So we hold on to PERFECTION and PERFORMANCE and PLEASING rather than admitting weakness.” This is such wisdom. Wisdom borne of experience and faith. I’ve named this year “connection” and the first thing I did was to put away my masks. So Amen B. amen.
Thank you for this today.
God Bless and keep you and all of yours
So I've had a little downtime and have been reading your older posts since I have just found your blog within the last week or so. I love this post…and I hate this post. I'm a pleaser. I want to get the job done, and I want to fix problems and help people, but to really let them know who I am? Yeah. That comes out little by little in what I do and how I live, but to be full-on honest with them and let them know about the nights I cry myself to sleep or the days that I really hate being me? That's taken a long time and is still a huge work in progress.
I wrote something one time that the best thing about my friends is that they know me. And the worst thing about my friends is that they know me. I take that back now. There's no bad in being known. What's even better is to be known and to be loved.
I'm thankful for finding your blog and this post. It speaks to me on a deep level. Bless You.
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