Before anyone gets out a red letter and sows it to my chest, I would like to make a case, state the issue, and let the jury decide. [Maybe it’s my inner forensic nerd coming out, but my secret dreams of being the District Attorney for Law & Order SVU are seeping into the blog today. Listen Olivia Benson, just do what I say and everything will be fine.]
THE CASE
With pop culture creating a prefabricated expectation of marital union, it’s important hold fast to what is good, true, beautiful, noble, and right [See Philippians 4:6 as article #1]. There has been a shift from the representation of love and marriage in media from the 1960s to today. Leave It Beaver and Dick Van Dyke portrayed families in traditional familiar structures and celebrated normalcy. The hearth of health was home and every evening or closing monologue ended with conflict being resolved with a smile and hug.
Fast forward to more modern reflections of family from the 90s to today [Rosanne, Married with Children, The Simpsons, Arrested Development, Malcom in the Middle, Family Guy] and you’ll see there is a shift in the depiction of family as well as the marital affection between parents.
If you think I’m going to bash pop culture or media, I’ll show you my TiVo shows, concert tickets, and shout MAZEL like we’re in the Bravo club house and you’ll realize where my affinity lies. However, I believe we—as intelligent, divinely created human beings—have the capacity to create and adhere to the beauty of love and commitment contrary to what is portrayed through movies, magazines, marketing, and media.
I believe we can display marital affection in a way that encourages and affirms healthy affection between spouses… even at church.
THE ISSUE
People, I’m a passionate woman who loves deeply and expresses affection through physical touch and word. I made a vow to a man over three years ago to love and to cherish from this day forth. And I intend on keeping it. I also happen to think he’s a ravishing piece of masculine flesh, so pardon me if I happen to sneak a kiss from him in broad daylight.
Public Displays of Affection [PDA] can be offensive to some and I do believe there should be a standard of what is acceptable [penal code 277 forbids public acts of hokey pokey, if you know what I mean]. But is there a ridiculous unstated standard on church property?
Example One: While at church a few weeks ago, I saw my husband at church and because it was a Sunday and he was serving all day, I didn’t get a chance to say good morning or goodbye as he left the house for work. I casually went up to him and kissed him—to which you might have assumed I jumped on his back and started humping his leg like a dog.
Obviously he was embarrassed that I enacted upon such a lewd act [oh you know, a kiss in public] and kinda laughed like Whoa-keep-it-down-cowgirl,-this-here-is-holy-ground kind of way [God bless his public Puritanical German ways]. To which I rolled my eyes and said, OH MY GOSH! It’s not like we’re David and Bathsheba’ing this moment. We’re married. We kiss. It’s fine.
Maybe his reaction of warranted. I’ll let you decide.
Example 2: Last week while saying goodbye to Matt at church, I hugged him and gave him a slight pat on his backside. It wasn’t a grope or grab, but more like a Get-back-in-the-game love tap.
Apparently someone saw because a woman came up to me and asked if I grabbed my husband’s butt at church. I laughed a bit because I was nervous but explained that as an athlete and previous coach, I usually do that as a force of habit. She said that as a pastor’s wife, she expected more from me.
What I wanted to say:
- Oh you expected more? Me too! I love that man and given the opportunity to suck on his face, I would’ve liked that. We’re married and it’s high time we start showing married people who actually LIKE being married. Maybe you should MAKE OUT with your husband so it’ll loosen you up, sister!
What I said:
- Pastor’s wife? Oh, uh, yeah. I’m a pastor’s wife. Well, uh, we’re newly weds.
THE JURY
Let’s get real: I’m still going to do my thang’ and publicly love my husband. In the words of of the Jersey Shore DJ Pauly D, You do you and I’m going to do me. But I’m also open to better addressing this issue.
PDAs are one thing, but if there is an unwritten rule about affection at church, will someone please let me know?
What’s the verdict? Where do people stand on this issue? Furthermore, is there a way to affirm marital affection in public without offending those from the Victorian era of puritanical virtues?
You decide. 😉
as a fellow pastor’s wife, i agree with you! we need to show affection to our husbands at church, encourage them and love them. not just for them or us…but also because marriage shouldn’t be some stone-faced-not-very-fun thing among Christians! we need to be a true example of how a good marriage should be! especially evident in our current church going through a rough period of sexual scandal with another staff and member! we need desperately to talk about our marriages more in the church and to act with love all around! it shouldn’t be something that “seems more fun in the culture” or something that seems dead and just commitment when love isn’t there. we know that in the church, our marriages should be examples of Christ’s love for the church! this is a beautiful, alive, fun thing! so our marriages should be fun!!
We’re both “drinking the same KoolAid”! I love that a fellow PW feels the same way 🙂
I applaud you for showing affection to the man you will be married to a lifetime. My observation has been that many of our brothers and sisters in the church are close to 50-60 years of age and in there time intimacy was intimate. I have my parents (married for 46 years) as example that kissing is done only behind closed doors, or when celebrating anniversaries and people are present and asking them to kiss. I could probably count the times they’ve kissed in front of me in one hand. I on the other hand will take pictures of my affection for my husband just to reminisce on sweet moments while on trips. I believe we are never going to please anyone, no matter what. After all we are not here to please others but to serve them. So keep serving your husband those kisses that I’m sure makes him appreciate your love that much more.
Why thank you, Mrs. Esparza! Keep making out with your man! 😉
Seriously? Interesting that you even had to write about this. I’m with you, sister!!! I, too, am a passionate woman. And what this world needs now is more passion within our marital walls!!!! Not only does it set a great example of loving your spouse to your children, but to others outside our walls, as well. As Pastor Rick Warren says: “if there were more courting in marriage, there’d be less marriages in court.” [I heart him]. As a Latina woman, I am *very* passionate. I do know that there are boundaries. But kisses and pats on the behind aren’t -and shouldn’t be- looked upon as a ‘bad’ thing. Let’s get our heads out of our -ahem- backside and love more! LOVE!LOVE!LOVE! And then…LOVE MORE! 😉
THAT’S THE BEST QUOTE EVER! Thanks for sharing it, Denise!
Healthy PDA! Maybe if he was on the pulpit the love tap might be awkward and inappropriate. Set the example and love that hubby! We so desperately need to set the example what healthy love and affection look like because there is so much out there that we allow into our lives that is not healthy. I think it is also important for us to remain true to who we are both inside and outside of “the church” not presenting ourselves falsely on Sundays. Be real, be authentic, and be the example!
.
PS: I heard it said just recently: MAKE LOVE …A VERB!
I rule not guilty. Go get ’em (or in this case HIM).
And have some fun on behalf of those of us working everyday to live out singleness in a godly manner. 😉
I say it’s HEALTHY!
But I could totally see my mom (60’s) pulling you to the side about butt smakin’.
I live by the standard if you can’t do it in church why do it any where else? (You know..within REASON)
I cuddle my husband while in church (we are seeking God together! that’s intimate!!), I will hug him and I will kiss him when I feel appropriate. Is it appropriate to stick my tongue down his throat? No and that’s not something I’m comfortable with anyway. (and my husband – a sweet introvert loving an extreme extrovert- wouldn’t stand for it anyway..haha)
I’ve also heard it said that if you have a skewed view of who God is then you’re going to have a skewed vision of what marriage looks like because how can you love a human if you don’t truly know Love.
not married, so i don’t get to have an opinion. but EL OH EL girl, i like your sass.
I think displays of affection are healthy. My parents have been married over 54 years and they are not affectionate with each other even though they had 11 children, i wish they were.
My hubby is very affectionate and at first it was weird for me to kiss and hug him in front of my dad but after 8 years, i love hugs and kisses even if they don’t lead to sex.
Men need physical contact and it’s better if it’s coming from the wife than other women at church.
Paint your handprint on his behind next time you go to church. Hugs and kisses to you B!
Right on B! I totally agree. As married couples they give marriage a bad name. You wonder I d “love,” even exist in those marriages
I think what you described is fine! I think it’s important for the church to show what a healthy marriage is and what healthy affection looks like. However, I have many couples in my church, married and non-married that take that freedom a little too “serious”. These couples will rub on each other (back, arms, lower back side…) for an extended amount of time during the praise and worship time. It’s hard to see them worshiping Jesus when it appears that they are worshiping each other. They also enjoy doing much more than just a quick kiss, they will in fact “suck face” for quite some time. Look, I am so happy that they do these things at home and that they love each other and all of that, but what bothers me is that I have siblings that are young, siblings that have been adopted out of bad situations and they see this going on. I wonder what goes through their mind, I wonder if lust is becoming an issue where it shouldn’t, I wonder what exactly is being promoted here. Especially, but not limited to, those that aren’t even married. Having been in youth ministry for 10+ years, I know a thing or two about what does go through young people’s minds and what they deal with internally. They don’t need help focusing on the chick in the 3rd row, they don’t need help thinking about what it would be like to sit next to her and be able to do what John and Sally are doing right now… Now what did the pastor just say? I have no idea bc not only are my teenagers distracted by the site right in front of them, but so am I!
Please, show healthy affection! Hold hands and kiss and hug and even pat on the bottom, but there is a line, and there is an appropriate time. Remembering that others are watching and others have issues in their minds already. Let’s just keep it healthy! 🙂
Love is an action. So to not be intentionally active in giving it would be restrictive love. We need to see what healthy love and affection looks like done God’s way. Needless to say, “that they expected more from a pastor’s wife” sounds like a crucial statement.
Whether you are newlyweds or not, you were in every right to show some TLC to your husband after not seeing him all day. You are married, and you waited on the Lord for this “masculine flesh” so be intentional about loving him without a limit!
Sorry but to think that you even have to mention this is sad , we seem to have condemnation and judgement down pat in the church today tell them to get a life ! I personally think its beautiful , you go girl ❤
As a single woman I think it’s healthy to see a happily married couple. It can feel awkward to have friends that are married kiss or be affectionate, but I think it should be embraced. There are so many different venues looking to show us what relationships are/should/shouldn’t be, and I think married Christian couples need to be a healthy voice in that. So girl, you kiss that husband of yours in public!
Both my husband and myself work at our church. And with the youth. A lot of our youth need to know what a healthy marriage relationship looks like. Within reason – I’d never make out in front of then and I can’t say I’m ok with your pat on the backside lol but I’m all for holding hands. And we kiss. No hokey-pokey. That’s what home is for lol — but I think it’s healthy for people to see healthy marriages and healthy PDAs. In the right context. Be married. Be happy. Be hopelessly in love and kiss eachother. In public once in a while haha. Hold hands. Huh. BE A COUPLE! Sex is all over tv and magazines and movies in the wrong context. Be a light. Keep kissing your husbands! In front of your friends and kids. 😉 always be a newlywed. <3
As a single girl I beg you: CONTINUE!
We single people need to see what a healthy, godly couple is! We have so many input from medias, tv and commercial all over the place, but suddenly when you pass the doors of the church it seems like love between spouse is forbiden!
I’m not talking about breaking the law and going for the “oh my, let the children leave the building” kinda thing, but a hug, a kiss and a gentle hand on the backside tends to reassure me that we christian people are normal and it makes me dream about getting married instead of frightens me to death to get into a beige & boring relationship w/ a robot!
So thank you for being “too much” and PLEASE keep daring to love outwardly!
B, you are sassy and I love it!! Being a 25 year old single woman working in the ministry world–I totally applaud the love you have for your husband and the way you fearlessly show him your heart for him. It really is encouraging for girls like me to see healthy, fun and loving marriages around us. It gives us a picture of what we have to look forward to and sometimes that extra shot in the arm to not settle for anything less than God’s best for us. God publicly displays his love for us. I know it’s a bit different. BUT He created marriage. Created it to bring unity, joy, love and so much more. Keep encouraging others with the love that God has blessed you Matt with by giving you each other. It truly is an amazing gift. And if celebrating that love is with kissing is public and a booty pat….well then, GO TEAM!!
-Billie Hoskins
Cincinnati Ohio
I am all for public displays of affection. The world needs to see genuine and true love. However, we must not allow our liberty to become an offense to another. There are also those for whom PDA can go to obscene levels. Authentic and sincere love should foster the desire of a loving relationship in those who have yet to find it, as well as those who may have forgotten what that was once like. We who are married are to be an earthly representation of Agape. PDA doesn’t have to be a “four letter word”.
Last summer I spent a week at youth camp and when my hubby arrived to pick me up after five long days, I ran across the church gym, hugged him and kissed his face. It was just a peck but, hey, compared to someone’s grandparents, we’re newlyweds too! It’s been 12 years and I hope to never stop wanting to run into his arms and I love that my kids see it. I hope they grow up to enjoy their spouse one day too. You keep patting your man’s bum and sneaking a peck when you’ve been missing him.!!!
Keep puckering up, chica!! 🙂
I agree with your position. I didn’t grow up in the church. I became a Christian after I was married. So I had to figure out what was appropriate PDA in church and church functions. With God’s help and godly, older women to guide me, I was able to come to the conclusion it was a good thing to express my love for my man without guilt or condemnation. As long as my expression was not over the top or exaggerated, it was normal to want to hold his hand, lay my head on his shoulder, lean over a pick him on the cheek or lips, give a quick swat on the bottom or even hug each other for more than five seconds. I am so glad the Lord lead me to women who loved to express appropriate PDA toward their husband. It was a great example to follow. God is good.
I am not married, but I think that it is healthy for married couples to show PDAs. I was actually in a relationship where his parents did not even hold hands or hug in front of people. This worried me and made me think that they didn’t have a good relationship.
With all of the sex images thrown at us day to day I believe husbands need to see their wives as wanting them on a regular basis so that they don’t need to wander off. I say “You go girl”!! As for the butt smacking if guys can do it to each other on the sports court what can’t a married woman do it to her husband?!?!?!
Don’t worry about what people think. You are a very Godly woman who loves her family. What more can you ask for?
Oh, now, if you could hear the love talk my hubby of almost 30 years and I have when no one else is present, other than GOD, you’d either turn beet red or holla “Hallelujah! A happily married ‘OLD’ Christian couple not afraid to speak juicy-nese to each other!” No worries, judge us if you will, we will continue to do as we do because it’s a spicy marriage we enjoy and are blessed to have. We make no apologies. For the record, no, we don’t suck each other’s faces in church or squeeze/slap/pinch/grab each other’s buttocks when serving in ministry..although if we did, some couples might receive inspiration to mimic us, lol. jk! Seriously, one has to keep certain DOA (displays of affection) private before God, but short n sweet PDAs have their place on church grounds.
B, I’m sorry that one church lady expects PWs to behave Victorian-like in the 21st century. I’m sure you’ll figure it out so as to have a clear conscience before God.
It would be interesting to learn how many Christian couples are honestly comfortable with their God-given sexuality. Perhaps therein lies the problem? I dunno….
Loved this blog. Marriage needs to stay fresh and alive. Being a passionate woman, I love deeply and I am not ashamed to show it. I mean I’m not going to start the smack down either, but geesh, a kiss, holding of hands … turning to your neighbor at Church and it being my Man…. Hello! Yes, I will grab his face with my two hands and kiss him! Just did it on Sunday. I didn’t grow up with any type of affection, so girl…I am ALL ABOUT that now!! Trust (with two snaps and a big ole’ circle ♥
I have been married 28 years and I cant imagine being some were including church with my amazing husband next to em and sitting shoulder to shoulder like i see other long term couples do .My Husband always has an arm around me ,his hand resting on my knee ,.When the pastor prays my husband grabs my hand or pulls me close so we can pray as one ,I feel God brought us togther and wants us to cherrish each other if u cant show that in fronmt of god then were can u show you cherrish each other .Remember you made that vow in front of God.,Although sometimes i do feel like we are Bad or doing something wrong because we show pda.lol
I am a single, older woman who has never been married. I think intimacy between couples is fine but it is the time and place which bothers me.
I have experienced sitting behind or near couples who when one spouse has his or her hands raised worshiping God and the other spouse is giving her a back massage. Or during the preaching and one spouse is giving the other a nice all over head or back scratching. I just think it is rude and disrespectful of God and people who are sitting nearby. What would God want of you for one and a half to two hours of your week, but for the people to be focused on Him. That is my opinion. Thanks
Hi Jewel, I totally value your opinion and appreciate your insight 🙂
I noticed my comment was deleted. Is it because it wasn’t in agreement with all the other comments? I think marriage is wonderful. Showing affection is natural and should go on. But as I said there are times like during worship and the preaching that I think it would be more appropriate for people to have their focus on God. Then after service touch each other all you want. I like getting hugs from my friends.
Nope. Not deleted 🙂
Thanks Bianca,
For not deleting me. I still struggle with all the PDA and have been chewed out by others in the church for the way I feel. It saddens me. If Jesus were there in the church with us in the flesh, wouldn’t He want us to be focused on Him. Wouldn’t He want us to feel for out brothers and sisters who find what they are doing to be a stumbling block.
Your wedding photo is really beautiful. Congrats! Jewel
I’m old school,I reckon.
To be honest, in a respectful way…
I would be shocked, if I saw someone pat their spouse on the bottom at church…
I’m not judging,should one choose to do so , it’s just not something I would like to see..
Call me, old fashioned…that’s just fine with me ☺