Who wrote down their new year’s resolutions? Don’t be shy now. Raise your hands. Now how many of you wrote down I want to lose weight as one of your goals? Friends, this is a safe place and you’re not alone [she said as she raised both hands].
I debated even writing this post because I feel like Oprah when she announces to the world that she’s fighting the battle of the bulge. Again. [The difference between me and Oprah is that 50 million people care if she loses five pounds and no one will ever clap for me as I hold up my old jeans that no longer fit my svelte body. No one.]
Ordinarily I would just secretly cry about my weight on the floor of my closet with a bag of chips, but something happened today that caused me to be honest. Not only with you, but with myself.
I’m a very open person and there are few things that are solely my own. My weight [and related struggles] are one of the topics that I don’t like to delve into because it’s an abyss of pain, frustration, and secrecy. I’ve written about my struggles before, but something happened recently that has caused me to come clean about how deep my stretch marks—er, I mean, how deep my struggles are.
Since as far back as I can remember, food has been my friend. But the kind of friend that hugs you when your sad then punches you in the face when you walk away. She’s always nice to you as long as you are on her side. She wins you over and gives you gifts like momentary happiness and pleasure, but in the end you’re alone and questioning the validity of her empty promises.
The past year has been beautiful and I’m grateful to have participated in the plan that God has for me. But it was also a very painful 365 days. I’ve lost some great friends, traveled over 700,000 miles, grieved two deaths, fought for justice for 30 million slaves, and gained 13 pounds. As a crazy-emotional-dramatic-ledge-walker, this a recipe for disaster. [Or a recipe for chocolate molten lava cake. Whatevs. It’s all the same.]
On Christmas Eve eve, I sat on the floor of my best friend’s house and openly shared with three of my closest friends that I’m struggling. I tried and failed [and tried and failed] with instituting a healthy lifestyle change [which is crazy talk for diet], but to no avail. The harder I tried to lose weight, the more I gained.
Granted, you may be thinking 13 pounds isn’t a whole lot, but when you’re a 5’1” MexicanRican who sprouts a triple chin just by looking at a Snickers bar, then this is serious trash. More than actual poundage, it metaphorically and physically displays holding on to weight that isn’t mine to carry.
One of my friends told me that for over 23 years I have been popping pills, pushing my body, starving myself, binge eating, hating myself, eating to numb the pain—ad nauseam—and now my body is rejecting my efforts. I tried to control my voice and swallow back the lump forming my throat [all signs that my eyes are about to leak], but aside from embarrassment, I felt relief. For the first time in a long time I admitted to human beings that I’m not healthy and my body is broken.
All this soap opera drama went down before New Year’s so I decided to resolute to some healthy choices and was fine to keep it to me, Matt, and my scale. [Honestly, who likes it when people talk about their gluten-free, Paleo-inspired, SugarBusters Weight Watchers South Beach diet anyway?]
But at church today, I was approached by a dear friend whom I haven’t seen in a while. She excitedly announced that she had lost 50 pounds and wanted to thank me for being so honest about my weight struggles and being an inspiration in humbling admitting the problem I battle. Two years ago, we sat together and prayed for deliverance in her life and now I stood before her and wanted deliverance for my own.
What I said:
- What?! That’s amazing. But seriously, I’m so proud of you.
What I wanted to say:
- Girl, I found the weight you lost! It’s on my saddlebags.
But I realized it was easy to talk about my struggles 20 pounds ago. We as Christians tout being honest and vulnerable with our struggles, but mostly in retrospect. Rarely do we stand up and say, Hey, listen, this is what I’m struggling with right now. See, it’s easy to talk about our issues once we have victory over them. But what about the pain of being in the middle of it? Shouldn’t we share in our struggles as well as our victory?
This is my achilles heel. This is my stronghold. This is my thorn in the flesh. It’s messy and I’m here and I don’t have a solution. All I know is that I’m committed to being healthy and humble and hungry for change, not hungry for Doritos.
So whisper about me, laugh at me, look at me, but once you’ve done all that, pray for me. And pray that chicken breast and broccoli becomes the new hamburger and fries.
At the very least, know that if you’re struggling with addiction and control, you’re not alone. If there’s one person who understands, it’s Oprah. And me. But she’s rich. So there’s that. 😉
Here’s to a year of health, love, and wholeness!
Love,
Bianca Winfrey
I love you.
Hi Bianca,
So… I am a pretty straightforward person and I intend on employing the same method of communication in this message. 🙂 Here goes: You spoke at my church once and I think you are one of the most beautiful people I have ever seen in real life. Really. It is so weird to me to read how you talk about yourself sometimes because you are honestly so beautiful. I don’t mean that in a scolding kind of way, but in a “dude, I don’t see it” kind of way. Quick story: When I was in high school my perception of beauty became severely warped for tons of reasons that I won’t go into. I started to think that my brown hair was ugly. It was something to be “treated” with hair dye. The only acceptable and “beautiful” hair color was blonde. Thankfully, the LORD Jesus did a radical work in my life and He changed my warped thinking (this process is ongoing though… we always want what we don’t have). One day I realized that my brown hair is not “ugly” it’s beautiful and sadly someday it will no longer be this beautiful shade of brown and I will go through a grieving process and blah blah blah until I realize that grey hair is beautiful and so on and so forth. The point is: the world is constantly telling us that we “need” this and that to make us beautiful, but the truth is we already are. Taking care of your body is important to honor the LORD, your husband, and yourself, but I hope that you don’t spend years loathing what you have and then wake up one day to realize that what you had is a beautiful blessing that is gone by the time you recognize/appreciate it.
Being willing to be used for any.thing. is huge. It’s loosening the grip on our perceived control and letting the silos collapse. It’s grace that He shows us how we compartmentalize our lives and keep certain parts tucked up tight. When God calls us to share about our most vulnerable places — to be real in every way in our lives — we see how He’s so far beyond us. And all we can do is be obedient and realize that He will use our weakness for His glory. Amen, through you.
Bianca, and anyone else who *gets* this post, you are not alone! I know you know that, but it bares repeating… YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
I have struggled with food addiction literally all my life. My mom once told me she gained more while she was pregnant with me than with all the pregnancies of my three sisters before me, combined. I was the biggest baby, the best nurser, the least-picky eater and the biggest kid in our family. Though I was never overweight (I’m still not sure why), I was a slave to the battle waging inside me.
I couldn’t say no to food. And even if I could for a short period of time, I white-knuckled it, 100% of the way through, then eventually fell into a more severe binge than ever. That was my life. Diet, lose a little weight, binge, gain it back, diet, binge, diet, obsess, binge, obsess, diet, binge…. you know the drill. Throw in lots of tears and prayer, and you’re probably reading your own story.
But there is hope. If you know nothing else -anyone reading this- know that THERE IS HOPE! I don’t know why God waited six years to deliver me after revealing to me I had a food addiction. But I do know he allowed me to realize he wasn’t going to do for me what I needed to do for myself. And once I realized that, and started walking in the wisdom of others who had gone before me in this journey, I was delivered. For real. Like crazy-miracles-led-by-a-strong-hand-out-of-Egypt type delivered.
God is so faithful. He is so good. Bianca, YOUR vulnerability is giving him SO MUCH GLORY! It’s so hard to even admit that this is a problem when everyone around us is saying, “just don’t eat the cookie.” and rolling their eyes when we simply can’t keep it down. You’re giving us permission to face our battles head on and take them to the only One who can give us true freedom.
Your delivery will come. Before you know it, it will absolutely come!
Yes. Yes. and more Yes. The victory is great, but the struggle is real (not just with weight but anything in life). Sometimes I wonder where the strugglers are? I feel so alone at times. Thank you for being transparent and as a leader saying “yo I got issues and here they are specifically [not some vague distant answer that connects with no one]” This post was very simple but profound. Thank you again. xo
Phil 4: 13… you can do this, B!
Message* Bianca, THANK YOU. I’m right here with you. It is so stinkin’ hard to fight this battle, and to have victories dissolve into eventual failures. AGAIN! I am so, so thankful you’re sharing about this. Thank you for your honesty. It’s hard playing the “Oh shoot, how much did I weight the last time I saw this person?” game in my mind whenever I run into an old friend. I’m tired of knowing I’m made for so much more than letting food have the role it has in my life! I am TRULY encouraged by your words here. It’s far too easy to think I’m alone in this! Praying for you too!
I will continue to pray for you!! Xoxox
Bianca – Your message, is my message. Only you wrote it first; every letter, every syallable, every sentence rings true. You will be a part of my daily prayers! I love you, your spirit, your passion, your sincerity and your truths…hang tough my friend!
xxoo Hugs
Praise God for your courage to speak the truth while it’s happening!!! Thank you for being a woman who is courageous and victorious – even in her struggles -sharing our stories as women who follow Jesus, the more open and vulnerable we are with one another, the more clearly we see we are not alone!! Praying!!
It’s like you crawled into my brain and wrote down my thoughts. Thank you. <3
DANG! Hadn’t read your blog in a few. Today was for me…while self medicating with tortilla chips and sour cream, ironically. Thanks for you’re transparency and universal love language. #foodporn #imnottheonlyone
You are such a gift! I could really relate to wanting to be honest about current battles and not just past victories. Love you!
I seriously love you. This spoke directly to me. I feel like you jumped in my head and wrote out my thoughts. I’m praying for you. Please pray for me too.
I will finally conquer this battle to when I am in the presence of The Lord! Haha no fo real, until then we pray we make good choices, extend grace when we eat to many chips and salsa, try to stay active and give it to The Lord DAILY! Love you b, praying for you!
Girl!! Your blogs make me just jump in thru my cellie screen and gIve you a great big hug! I was bullied because of my weight by Steve and Brian ( I will never forget the mean things they said) I know all about this struggle and I am praying for us!! Love You girl!!! XOXO P.S. I really do think you’re gorgeous! But I also understand you Mama!!
Bianca, thank you for your candidness. I in particular don’t struggle with weight but with self-esteem. Since that has been part of me as a child those thoughts of a child linger and soon take over. I’m learning not to reason my way out of something that I know has to get done – it’s a sign of maturity and not allowing the old man or the child to be my manipulator. It’s not easy but it will getting easier to overcome. I will pray for you Bianca. Thank you again for sharing.
When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 1 Cor 13:11
Bianca, you are absolutely beautiful! The weight you see on yourself, I have never noticed. Having lived next door to your family all these years, i just see pure radiant beauty pour out of you as you smile to say, hi! However, I know we are all far more critical of ourselves. 🙂 Thank you for your honesty and humor in this post. I am on that same weight bulge struggle with you in 2014. I am also one of those annoying, “I am doing Paleo” girls. 🙂 Thank you for inspiring me and reminding me that I am not alone when I look in the mirror and the jeans do not fit.
OH MY GOODNESS. Lauren, I can’t believe you. You are beyond sweet and encouraging. Thank you for caring. Thank you for dealing with my crazy family. I’m blown away by your kindness!
Bianca both of my hands went up too!! I appreciate your honesty and putting your feelings and so many others as you post this on your blog. So many of us have done the yo yo diet. I agree with your friend in regards to have been doing so much to our bodies that it cannot respond properly. I read a lot about health exercise and diet. I struggle too. My approach this year started off by cleaning my pantry and donating/discard all junk food or anything that had sugar and gluten. Visit a farmers market 1-2 times a week and eating clean and fresh. Praying for Gods will and not my own. I will be lifting you up in prayer too. Ask yourself before eating how is this going to benefit me? Is it going to sustain you and feed your body for what you still need to accomplish or get done.
I gained weight at 20 and haven’t been able to lose it either. I love your line about food being like a bf that punches you later.
I bought crappy chips to get me not to eat them all at once. 🙂 But I want to seriously look into watching my food intake and exercise.
A to the MEN, girl! I am constantly fighting the battle of gluttony when it comes to food. I’ll eat a salad for lunch, then come home and eat 10 mint Oreos. What is that?!? I will be praying for you. Thanks for your honesty. We can do ALL things through HIM!
Seriously, are you me?? Did I write this when I was sleep walking last night? Wow! Go girl with your honesty.. Time for me to get real too. God’s been working on this stubborn heart.