Dear Stepmoms,

I see you. It’s Mother’s Day and I just want to let you know that I see you. I celebrate you alongside bio-moms, grand-moms, adopted-moms, and want-to-be-moms.

Adopted parents—like stepparents—know the feeling of melding hearts over time as bonds form and families unite. But it’s almost switch day and you know that unlike adopted parents, you might feel the bonds formed in your time together will be stunted, reversed, or possibly even forgotten.

Every mother knows taking care of kids is exhausting sometimes. You do all the things a real mom does and yet you will always be the step or squared part of the equation: Mom². You are working on not feeling second-class, like when you fold laundry and put on bandaids and give out hugs and help with homework, but there are days when your life can be summed up in a math equation: Real Mom > Stepmom

But today I see you.

The kids mention something they’ve done at their other parent’s house and you smile at them because you want them to know they can talk about anything but it wears on you— this constant stream of knowing things about another person without really wanting to.

This is a point of contention sometimes and you wonder if the other parent would die if they found out what their kids of told them about life at their house or the fact that their room looks like a bomb was detonated in their closet. You have leverage if you ever really needed it. But you stay neutral; the Switzerland of Parentdom. You are the queen of this household, it’s your safe place too. And yet there you go, flushing toilets that were forgotten about and discovering HotWheels or Littlest Petshop toys in your purse.

You have the patience of a saint some days and other days you feel like you are in Dante’s fifth ring of hell.

You know those days! Gripping the steering wheel tighter isn’t going to solve the fighting in the back seat and niether is drowning it out while singing along to the latest Katy Perry song. Wait, should they know all these words? You switch it off to their dismay and find something “clean” to play.

Sometimes when they leave you notes that make you want to cry. Those little words scribbled on the whiteboard or left on notes change you.

They’ve written those notes when you were probably in the closet hiding. They love you — they tell you all the time.

You love these kids like you’ve never loved before. It’s stretching you. It’s changing you. It’s making you crazy. Or maybe you don’t really love the kids. It’s okay if you don’t because you love their father and that puts you in a position to care for them in whatever way you can. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

I see you. We go through the same things over here too. We are still trying to figure this whole thing out. We have never felt so loved and so vulnerable at the same time.

Today I celebrate you, stepmom. But your award deserves an acceptance speech dedicated to the people who helped shaped you into who you are today.

Your stepchild is growing up before your eyes and you are a shaper of their story. You watch her grow and she makes you laugh. The way she flicks her hair over her shoulder or applies lip gloss exactly like you. The way she sometimes sounds like she is as wise as an 80-year-old when she can’t even see over the counter. The way she is watching you—asking for approval, asking for something that she can’t articulate yet.

You were there for that.

You watched him grow and learn how strike out and score a goal. You watched the way he learned to read, slowly at first and then all of a sudden he invited you to story time in bed so he could read you a story.

They were there for you too when you first fell in love. They watched everything. They tucked it away in their hearts and in their heads. They know your love story better than you some days.

It was all in the details.

The details of then are the details of now. So remember everything, Stepmom. And be patient. And loving. And grace-filled. And kind. We love their dad and at the end of the day, that makes you their bonus mom. Yes, Mom².

Feel loved.
Feel known.
Feel celebrated.
Feel like a mom today. Because you are one.

To birth moms, we love you.
To grandmas, we adore you.
To stepmoms, we appreciate you.
To spiritual moms, we need you.
To adopted moms, we value you.
To those wanting-to-be-moms, we encourage you.
To those who lost their mom, we mourn with you.

To those who have gone before us and those who will come after us, we will lead for you.

Happy Mother’s Day to all types of moms.