Five years ago today, my life was forever changed. A handsome man by the name of Matt Olthoff asked me to be his girlfriend. No, I’m not the type of person who records every little detail of a relationship—-like where we went on our first date [Splashes], we had our first major argument [the 405 freeway in traffic], who broke up twice while dating [me]—-ok, maybe I do remember everything the minutia of life. Whatever.
But the day he asked me to be his girlfriend was somehow a foreshadowing of our life to come. I was in Israel leading a trip with my dad and our church, while he was in Egypt leading a trip for pastors. April 2nd, 2008 I sat in my hotel room in Galilee when an instant message popped up on my screen.
We should make this official. Will you be my girlfriend?
Over dinner near the Sea of Galilee, my dad encouraged me to take a step of boldness and embark on this journey, but guard my heart. Dating is not a guarantee. This is not going to be a regular relationship. Be careful not to play with fire. Wise words from a wise man.
A year and a half later, my dad walked me down the aisle and the rest is history. [A very short, non-dramatic history, but you get the picture.]
I’ll never forget the words my father gave us before we got married. He said that twelve words will save a marriage and improve your relationship. He’s spoken these words to many couples over the years that I’ve memorized, hypothesized, and philosophized these phrases. But it wasn’t until I was married that the weight of his words beared the truth of sacrifice.
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I am sorry.
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It’s my fault.
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Please forgive me.
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I love you.
It’s trivial, right? Wrong. On our wedding day, he spoke these words over us on a perfectly sunny day in Santa Ynez, California in a vineyard that was in full bloom, Matthew was in a expensive suit, and I was 15 pounds thinner. Basically, I was drunk in love [yes, it’s a Beyonce reference] and deaf to the reality of his wisdom.
A couple weeks later during a yelling match intense conversation, the words of my father came back to haunt me. I am sorry. It’s my fault. Please forgive me. I love you. I did what any mature, God-fearing woman would do: I ignored his words.
I’m not going to say I’m sorry! It’s HIS fault?! He’s the one who needs to ask ME for forgiveness for nearly killing my soul. PS I’m not even sure I love him anymore?!
After one of my multiple personalities told me to calm down, I realized that maybe just maybe my dad who has been married for 40 YEARS might have some wisdom. Mayyyyyyyybe.
I emerged from the closet from which I locked myself in [with a bottle of water, blanket, and a book in case I boycotted life for an indisposed amount of time] and spewed out the twelve words my father always said to my mother. I rehearsed them in my head so it would sound like I meant them. And it worked. Suddenly he said the exact same thing back to me! In shock, I embraced him and really, truly felt grateful for his forgiveness.
Three years later we are still using simple words to solve big problems. Don’t get me wrong! There are tons of conversations to be had afterwards to gain clarity, excavate repentance, and absolve ill-will from hurtful arguments, but as a foundation, we will always come back to the words of my father.
I am sorry: This is more than, I apologize. This is taking culpability for the pain induced and blame for the harm. It’s feeling empathy and regret with heartfelt truth.
It’s my fault: Ouch. Warning: saying this may feel like shards of broken glass are in your mouth while you say these words, but there is something powerful about taking blame. Do it well. See results.
Please forgive me: Even if you feel you are blameless in an argument or disagreement, the offended has an expressed sentiment of pain and misunderstanding. Ergo, forgiveness is needed to move forward.
I love you: Enough said.
Five years later, I’m grateful that Matthew hasn’t given up on, hasn’t stopped loving me, and hasn’t stopped forgiving me. I’m his forever girlfriend and honored to travel the world with this man as we love people and build the Church.
If you’re married, use these words. If you’re single, memorize these words. One day they will come in handy! 😉
XO
Why is “it’s my fault” sooo hard to say! Gwad! Yet simple words that can make such a difference!
I love your daddy and his wisdom, and now I’m going to go in my closet and practice those 12 words!
Happy five years! Xoxox
Mon
I am not yet married, but I try to live out these words. It’s funny, I am never at a loss for words, but when “I’m sorry” is on the tip of my tongue I am suddenly stricken with muteness. Thankfully, Jesus always gives me a swift kick in the pants and I (usually) recover enough to apologize.
Good word!
Um YES!!! So good.
I simply love your heart, your words (or your dads words) and the message you share with all of us everyday! (P.S. In my mind, you and your family are my best friends – hehehe)
Always thankful for you!! <3
This is so Beautiful! Love your frankness:) Thank you for sharing! Love you!!!
I remembered when you got married! All these years I’ve remembered your rules as a single girl in college and finding someone who loves God and who has J-O-B! 🙂 happy to say I’ve found him and in less than 2 months we are getting married! May 31st!
Happy 5 year mark B and M!
Those powerful words have saved my marriage. Going on 9 years soon and while they have been difficult to say, I have seen the transformation and healing they have brought to both of us.
The scripture I was given by my dad was, A wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her hands…
May God help us become more like Him.
Hi Bianca,
You once talked about how some people haven’t had the coming upon experience of being baptized by the Holy Spirit I am one of the those people and I know it. Will you pray for me?
Thank you.
-Ana Sofia
Words of wisdom!! I will memorize them and keep them like an Ace in my purse. 😉
I’m sorry and I love you aren’t too difficult, but “It’s my fault” and “please forgive me” are gut wrenching, but only when you believe you’re right. I’m realistic and don’t think I’m always right, I know when it’s my fault and don’t have a problem saying it’s my fault, but man, oh man, will it be difficult to say, “it’s my fault. Will you forgive me (implying it’s your fault).
Your father is such a loving and humble man. God bless him.
Thanks for sharing B!
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seems so simple. But at one point you decide that being a doormat needs to stop since you are the only one saying these simple words to save a marriage. Its a 2 way street but i seem to be the only one making the effort. What do you say to someone you have been with since 18 years old after he had burned your inner core, your soul.after he has chosen his mothers advice over yours countless times, after he says nothing when u r put down, insulted. And when u bring this up, he says “i will sooner tell you to f*ck off then i will say anything to my mother”. What do you say now?! When u know u r just a wife replaceable and his mother well she is the one and only. I am the mother to his child and his wife but that means little if anything anymore. I feel like garbage, i feel my soul shattering. I do not see how i should swallow my pride and apologize make things okay again?! It doesn’t not change anything. And know this i was extremely careful bringing the subject of his mother up, since i know u cannot say any whatsoever negative towards his mother even if u r just repeating what happened and how it made you feel. Chances are nobody will read this but at least i can spill some of my heartbreak on paper. What do i do now? Nothing move on and wait till i am finally replaced
Hi Natalie,
I don’t have the answers, but I’m praying they are revealed to you!
Much love,
B
I said these words, didn’t work, he said to not b sorry?.