Women face a different set of challenges in the work force; not harder, just different. In each step up the corporate ladder, choices have to be made. To remain unaware of the choices or ignore the options is to believe the lie and fall prey to questioning your station in life when other women are having children, buying homes, and balancing 592 spinning plates.
This realization is a response to Forbes recent article about Why Millennial Women Are Burning Out Of Work By 30. I read the article excited to learn how to deal with burnout, fatigue, and continuing in the flow of progress. However, I was more intrigued by the apparent lie we women are believing.
One of the greatest lies during the Feminist movement of the 60s and 70s was that women can have and do it all.
Before you think I churn my own butter and wear Duggar-inspired dresses, please know that I vehemently believe in the core tenants of feminism: women have value and should be treated fairly.* However, while bras were burning and armpits were left unshaved, other caveats of feminism crept into the manifesto. One of the greatest lies our Feminist Foremothers proclaimed that we can have it all and do it all! Let’s be honest with each other: can we, really?
Now more than ever are women have higher education, higher level jobs, higher pay, and higher productivity. So why the unhappiness and burnout? According to Kelly Cutrone, exec for a huge Los Angeles PR firm, women need to suck it up in order to survive. Author of, Go Outside If You Need To Cry, Cutrone makes it sound so easy. But this life comes at a cost. I remember Cutrone from MTV’s The Hills [don’t judge me] and watched in horror as in season 2 we had a glimpse into her glitzy yet pathetic life. Twice divorced with a daughter she regrettably dumps with child care when she travels, Cutrone is chronically stressed, ticked off, and frazzled.
The women who are telling us we can have and do it all are either lying or have an infrastructure of support not available to regular folks. For instance, I met with a woman who I admired and wanted to learn how she balances life. She worked a high-level corporate job, she and her husband served in ministry, she had two seemingly perfect kids, and lived in Orange County. What was revealed was that her balance was maintained with a full-time housekeeper, a nanny for her children [moonlighting as a chef], and her in-laws living in their back house six months out of the year. She told me I, too, could keep balance and continue to do what God has called me to.
Let’s be honest y’all. I haven’t cleaned my bathroom sink in a week and I have a pile of laundry I pray folds itself and jumps into my drawer. I don’t have a nanny. I don’t have a housekeeper. I work long hours. I cook most of our family meals. But I’m determined to daily make choices. I don’t have a nanny, I am the nanny. I don’t have a housekeeper, I am the housekeeper. And in making these choices I recognize it comes at an expense.
I didn’t clean my sink yesterday because Matt and I are committed to leading a small-group bible study. I didn’t fold my clothes when they were cleaned on Tuesday because I chose to make a special candle-light dinner for the kids and spend quality time around the dinner table. I took a job sitting behind a desk for the global impact it has while removing my ability to go out and share the gospel as often as I once did. Conscious decisions with known outcomes.
In our small group alone (16 people), four powerfully corporate women expressed sentiments that revealed their longing for relationships in words that seemed sad. They have it all. They own homes or live very comfortable lives. They dine out. They shop extravagantly. They travel often. And yet, they are left to wonder, I have it all and still feel like I’m missing something. Maybe Irina Dunn was wrong, fish really do need bicycles.
Instead of telling the next generation of women you can go to college and graduate school and travel the globe and work a corporate job while cultivating a relationship, a family, a husband, a community without it having a cost, maybe we should speak truth. You can have it all but it comes at an expense.
This is not a tale of woe or depressing news. There is freedom in the truth! If we are made aware of the honest realizations, we can set and manage realistic expectations. We can change the world and change diapers. We can build third-world communities and grow our own community. We can have all that the Lord has given us and more… in His perfect timing. Timing misunderstood by the world and women like Gloria Stienem.
But it’s the truth. And the truth shall set you free.
More thoughts on feminism:
*Before you throw conservative stones at me, this is a biblical tenet implemented by Jesus Christ and affirmed by Paul the Apostle. Booyah!
For me the real question has become what does it look like to have it all? Life has this way of never being what it seems. Balance is this illusion and feels like another measuring stick to judge onesself by. I cannot be all things to all people at all times. I think women have to forgive ourselves for our imperfections and allow ourselves to be human. We also need to stop being chronic comparers.
Can you have it all? I hope so…but I am fairly certain that it may not be all at the same time. Maybe our lives are meant to be lived in seasons and embracing the season you’re in will alleviate some of the pressure of constantly feeling like you are dropping the ball somewhere.
…and really who says you have to have it all figured out by 30? At 31, I am just beginning to grasp what I want out of life and what truly matters. Maybe that is okay…
Best line: Who says you have to have it all figured out by 30? YES! I feels like I just learned to tie my shoe laces?!
WORD.
You’re so right, Bianca. Everything comes with a price and we need to make intentional choices.
I think women are fed a lie that’s different than men that they can have it all because they believe it. God knows I bought into it. My 20’s and most of my 30’s were spent trying to build our business & my career at great cost (primarily because I was secretly trying to prove to myself I had what it took to be successful on all fronts.)
Sad part is I almost lost my husband and my kids are now nearly grown because I was missing out by focusing on the wrong things. Scarier yet, is when we tell ourselves it’s worth it because it’s ‘ministry” & souls are at stake.
We can’t believe we’re solely responsible to save everyone. And it’s not possible to win at everything at the same time… something is going to suffer.
We just need to be confident enough in ourselves to feel free to make those choices without comparing ourselves to others that seem like they do ‘have it all’. We don’t know their backstory or what they may be trading to make that happen.
So, I congratulate you girlfriend on leaving the laundry unfolded for awhile. Kids won’t remember that but I bet they will remember the candlelit dinner they had with you 🙂
I LOVE your insight. Thank you so much, Dawn. It’s a privilege to know you.
This is something that I continue to struggle with and through…
Thanks for delving into ‘hard’ issues. 🙂
AMEN!!
I have a high powered job and it’s provided me with incredible experiences. However, it’s also eaten up a lot of my time. Time that I would love to give to the church. Time that I would love to have cultivating friendships. Time that I would love to spend searching for Mr. Right. And while I don’t regret the wonderful opportunities I’ve been provided and have tried to be a good steward of what the Lord has placed in front of me, I’m EXHAUSTED and I’d trade it all for a different kind of exhaustion to be a stay at home mom with a loving husband. I realize that doesn’t sound very feminist and that many of my “sisters” might question my thought process, however, to me, feminism is all about being able to make the choices that I want…and that would be my choice! I am woman, hear me ROAR!
RAWR! I love it, JJ 🙂
You are telling it like it is Bianca. I’m a wife, a mom to four, in full time ministry, have parents that are ill and also serve as housekeeper, cook and nanny. I’ve learned that I don’t need everything to look perfect on the outside with a perfectly kept home as long as my family’s real needs are being met. Even in that I fall short. But I’ve also come to believe that balance is also a lie, because no one in the Bible who was living life according what God had called them to lived what we would perceive as a balanced life. For me, I try to do what I’m called to do, what I need to do and what only I can do and either ask for help when it’s available (which has taken significant therapy) or let go of what needs to be let go.
Therapy? Yes and amen! 😉
Preach it sister! Thank you!
I would have to say that I think the ideal of “having it all” is absolutely contrary to what we are called to as Christians. Now, I am not talking Poverty Gospel here. But, what I mean is that, according to mainstream non-religious society “having it all” looks entirely different than what it SHOULD look like to us!
We have it all in Christ. It is not about education, jobs, status, or material things. It is about serving Christ and glorifying God each day. We DO have it all. We have redemption and freedom from sin.
Wanting “it all” would be great if we were talking about spiritual wealth, familial strength, closely-knitted Churches with missional focus, ect. But when people talk about “having it all” today, that’s not what they mean.
As Christians, our goals should not be on having the highest degree money can buy, a nice car, or designer shoes. We should be focusing on enternal riches; we should be focusing on touching lives and sharing the love of Christ with all we meet. As mothers, we should be spending time enriching our children with the wealth of spiritual knowledge. As wives, we should be supporting and encouraging our husbands.
I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with wanting a career or a degree. But, if that desire trumps the ones we are called to have by God in the Bible, those desires become sinful. We have to make sure our version of “having it all” looks like God’s version.
Heidi, I think you just took us all to church! 😉
I’m a stay-at-home mom with a one-year-old daughter. I’m tired all the time. The reality is, I’m going to need to go back to work soon. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, if I’m this tired now. I feel like my future will consist of being permanently stressed-out, tired, and frazzled…unless I find some kind of solution that I haven’t discovered yet….
I think Michelle said it best. There are different seasons… some are more stressful than others. I’m not in your shoes, but your plea has stuck with me. Know that I’m praying for the holy spirit to fill you up and over what you think you are capable of… xoxo
I’m with Robyn, except I don’t have a child yet. I’m soooooooo exhausted! I’m still a student, I work a full time job with little ones, I work hard at work so I don’t have to bring things home with me, i cook, I clean (occasionally my husband helps but i feel like I have to do it all because he’s the one that is stuck in traffic 2 hours a day and I work like 5 minutes away from home. He’s a trooper), and then I wonder what it’s going to be like when we start having kids. It may just be the 2 of us in an apt. right now but I feel like I am spinning about a million plates at time. Do I feel like I have it all though? Yeah, I do. I have a loving, forgiving husband, an apt. in Uptown Whitter, aweseome in laws, family close by, a job I love, classes that I love, friends that choose to love me, all exhausting but well worth it! So, I guess I have to apologize to the world because I’m not a homeowner and don’t drive a 2012 model car and have an expensive Kate Spade bag? Kelly Cutrone used to scare me! I felt like she was scolding me!
Dear Robyn,
My heart goes out to you because I understand where you are at. I had to go back to work when my second daughter was 3 months old and my first daughter was 1.5 years old. I will not sugar coat it. It is hard. I will say that God was and is my strength. He has sustained me and given me the strength to keep moving even when I thought I couldn’t anymore. One of my favorite verses is Psalms 28:7 “The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for Joy and I will give thanks to him in song.”
You can do this with God’s help. You can trust in Him to provide for your needs by providing for you to stay home or giving you the strength to be a working mom. Also, there are so many tips to help being a working mom but you do have to let go. A friend of mine recently called and said I forgot there was a bake sale at my daughter’s school so instead of staying up late to make something I just picked something up on my way to the school. Do you think that is okay? I of course told her yes! You don’t always have to be Susie homemaker to be a good mom. I also would suggest if you do become a working mom is to figure out your nonnegotiable. The things that are important to you. Deciding those things early will help you make the hard decisions later when life gets a little muddy.
I will be praying for you and this journey.
Anna
I love this post. Thank you Bianca.
Amen.
The key here is how we define “having it all.” I feel like for myself life has been about seasons. Different things at different times. 🙂
I love what you’ve shared here. So valuable! 🙂
Michelle, you hit the nail on the head! In fact, I just quoted you to someone’s comment. There are seasons for everything. Booyah!
Booyah, indeed. 😉
Why are we so obssessed with having it ALL? Isn’t that greedy? Why do we feel entitled to have everything we ever wanted out of life? Reality is about sacrifice. So, it’s up to us to decide what we are willing to give up to have what we want or to have what God wants for us. Wanting it ALL is selfish. Just because we are American and have been fed the idea of the “American Dream” doesn’t mean we are entitled to have anything and everything we ever wished for. We have to make hard choices, and live simply, and bring glory to God in all we do!
Great post. My mum used to tell me: You can have it all – just not all at once. There are a lot of seasons to a woman’s life and, as you said, many choices to be made. I am thankful that we are able to make choices or have the privilege of choice. Many women do not.
I love that… you can have it all, but not all at once. I may have to steal that from your mum 😉
BB, I have railed against The Machine that is Feminism my whole adult life. I think it’s a lofty notion designed to distract women from what they were called to be: valuable! Instead, it lowers us into competition with one another and with our husbands. There’s no value in that.
I have had to learn to let go of what I once thought would be my career (athletic administration in Division I athletics) because I have found far more value in my current one: wife & mama. I seriously couldn’t hand it over to anyone else. No matter the pay, the power or the benefits. Because I’d have to sacrifice my two Boys. My time, experiences, life. And that is unacceptable for me.
I struggle with it from time to time — I miss the buzz! But I’d miss sitting hear listening to the the two of them singing silly songs in the kitchen while they make dinner a WHOLE lot more. My time with them is now. The world of college athletics isn’t going anywhere. 🙂
Thanks for the post. I love you!
These are some great insights. I don’t have a husband or kids yet, but I have lived in this tunnel-vision world that I can be in full-time ministry, do volunteer work, get a master’s degree and still have time for my friends and family!!! Only in the last few weeks have I realized how detrimental the attempt to have it all has been on my heart and my life. And I’m only 24!!! Remembering to slow down and take life in God’s timing has probably been the best lesson that I’ve learned as of late and here’s hoping that I don’t “forget”!
GREAT post! Excellent discussion here.
I want to challenge the women that say, “I have to work.” What type of house do they “have” to live in? What type of car do they “have” to drive?
I am the mama of a dozen children. When we had 7 children we lived in a 1400 sq. ft. house on a small lot. But … that is what we CHOSE. I would much rather live in a small house with LOTS of kids, than a large house that I “have to work” to pay for.
Now … don’t get me wrong. I know that there are situations where single moms must work, or married moms need some part time employment just to pay the minimum bills. And, I am NOT judging that. I have worked from home … worked part time evenings … and worked full-time for a few years (all while parenting and homeschoolng my children). But, the question needs to be asked, “WHY?” do you feel like you have to “have it all”?
I graduated near the top of my class. I could have pursued many different careers. But, I chose instead to pursue God’s very BEST career for me: stay-at-home mom. And, I have never regretted it.
Laurel
mother of 12 (ages 9, 10, 11, 13, 15, 18, 21, 22, 22, 24 26. 27)
Just have to tell you …
my teens (age 15 & 18) came home from youth group last night, VERY excited. They couldn’t wait to tell me about a conference their youth group is going to next summer. And … “Guess who is speaking?!?!?! BIANCA!!!
Seriously. They were soooo… excited!
Maybe I’ll have to volunteer to chaperone.
🙂 🙂 🙂
Have you read, “The Life Ready Woman: Thriving in a Do-it All World,” by Shaunti Feldhahn? She talks about this very idea. Your post reminded me of the book 🙂
Love this post!
And I’m glad I’m not the only one who hasn’t cleaned the sink/folded the laundry etc etc. x
Couldn’t help but to respond to this hot topic of an article:) Being a wife, mother of 4, homeschooler, pastor is where I’m speaking from in my world.
I was raised with the philosophy, “you are latina & you need to go to college. Oh & by the way don’t let a man rule you!” Sooo, my world & their world was rocked, needless to say, when I surrendered my life to the Lord:) I left EVERYTHING. Thru life I learned what dreams were like thru God’s eyes; career, goals, marriage, kids, friendships and the list continues.
The struggle I see for many is reconciling God’s way of life to what we are doing now. What I see now is alot of women could not help that divorce happened to them, losing their homes, to losing their jobs, waiting on marriage for careers, waiting on kids because of finances. I’m sure it can go on even from here, so, do I stop preaching God’s ideal because our Western Culture is far from that or could there be some benefit in allowing His ideal to reshape us once again? I defer to the latter:) It reshaped my thinking. Through patience, delayed gratification on some leadership opportunities, focus, allowing the season to shape me instead of ‘chasing’ it, hmm, I can say I’m living my God dream:)
So, let me encourage you-move wisely, timely, patiently. Let His God dream chase you, His timing is soo much better:)
Great post! I can really appreciate this post even though I’ve never been in the place of having great success at work AND at home. I’m still in college. I graduate in May and so I will enter the working world at that point. But I do know that if I can’t be happy in present circumstances then no amount of success in the working world will bring me any kind of lasting happiness. I know stress as well. I am in college full-time and am married with four little ones. Life can be really stressful and hard. But I am doing my best to enjoy the journey. I have the things in life that truly matter–a relationship with my Savior, supportive husband, healthy kids, etc. I have to remind myself of this on days where I want my future success to be here today. Thanks for your post, it helps to remind me that I already have what truly matters most! 🙂
You can have anything you want …. but you can’t have everything you want.
Everything you pursue in life will have its benefits, but make no mistake that everything has its costs as well. We need to choose which costs we’re comfortable with paying. I don’t believe that women can ‘have it all’, because I don’t believe that’s the purpose of life. That will leave us always grabbing for more. “Godliness with contentment is great gain.”
I agree with Heidi’s comments as well.
Well said Ms B! I got my degrees, went to work, had babies, and then I just wanted to stay home with those babies! Once I stayed home, then I wanted to get back to work. It’s so hard to choose between being needed and productive, especially for a smart gal like me who had scholarships and was always told to “be something.” but right now, for this season, my first job is raising kids and helping my hubby. If there’s time left over (which we make sure there is) then I volunteer at church. My career can wait a few more years til the kids are planning their own college paths.