We sat in her car, keys in the ignition, car turned off. She stared at me blankly and asked, Have you woken up and said, ‘What the hell did I do?’* She’s the only person in the last ten months of marriage that has asked me pointedly about life as a step-mom.
But I get it, I really do.
You look at someone in a uncommon situation—a situation you probably would not want to be in—and are afraid to ask about it.
- So… how’s life as a single after your bitter divorce?
- So… how you doin’ since your startup company crashed?
- So… how are things now that you left your boyfriend?
- So… how are you handling your life now that you have two children to take care of that aren’t yours?
See! There are tons of situations that we would rather just ignore. But she asked. And I responded.
Life as an insta-mom isn’t easy. Vacillating from one week as newlyweds to the next week as Dad and S’mom can cause schedule schizophrenia and identity issues. But it’s not a disease. It’s not a curse. It’s a decision.
If we’re honest, transitions are never easy. But denying the emotions or hiding feelings only causes more anguish and isolation. I love moments where it’s just me and Matt and we can fly by the seat of our pants and eat ramen and mustard packets for dinner if we choose. But I also love the moments when two extra bodies sit around our table to eat a healthy, organic, well-balanced meals and discuss the drama of kindergarten.
Sure, there are moments when I wish Ryen wouldn’t cry because Parker is looking at her, or that I would be picked for our family board games, or that Parker would let me dress him for church, but if you’re a biological parent, I can safely bet you have those moments of frustration too. Because this, this right here, is when we make decisions.
In life we wage battles everyday. To talk back or not talk back to your boss. To stay in Philosophy 101 even though it assaults all of your core beliefs or quit. To file foreclosure on your house or try to save it. How we deal with those in-between spots depends upon our decisions; we can either fail or flourish in those moments.
To answer the question publicly, yes, I do have moments when I ask myself if my choices, decisions, and transitions, are worth it. But even my savior had a moment—alone on a garden floor in Gethsemane—when he asked for a substitution. When one wasn’t granted to him, he then asked for transformation. In my moments on my proverbially garden floor, I don’t want to ask for substitution… I need to beg for a transformation of heart, mind, and soul.
*Mom, I didn’t say the word “hell.” It was Kati. Don’t wash my mouth out with soap!
what an awesome post..thanks for your honesty and your encouragement…
Thank you for being you. The honesty of your words jumped through my computer screen this morning.
It's so easy to forget about asking for transformation when substitution isn't an option. Thanks for the reminder!
I love reading your blog Bianca. You are SO real, I love it!
Wonderful post from one insta-newlywed/stepmom to another. You words are so true!
Thank you for your honesty. We ladies especially are good at frontin' when it comes to our true feelings.
I am an S'mom and married my husband with two little boys 16 years ago. Your honesty is refreshing. Wish I would have had that perspective that many years ago. Still, now having to make those decisions and praying for transformation every day. Thank you!
Great post! and I had to do a double take.. did she say hell? Hahaha… you’re such a mom!
I am a step mom to 2 adult kids — this blessed me. Thanks 🙂
Amen!
I wonder if step-dads ask themselves the same question…I am a single mom and sometimes wonder these things. I'm sure they do, maybe not in the same way step-moms do, but they may wake up one day and think, "Woah…what did I do? Did I bite off more than I can chew?"
Thank you so much for your honesty. You're such a breath of fresh air!
I've been in the step role for almost 8 years now and find encouragement in thinking that even Jesus had a step-parent (Joseph) and he turned out great! Thanks for sharing, I love the line about transformation and believe that is key. : )
I applaud you for your honesty! I'm a single mom and planning to get married next year. I wonder some times if my fiance will think that way. He tells me the same thing you just wrote, It's a choice that he wants to make. Your husband is a blessed man. I know that God is using you to show his agape love.
I love this post. So many things in life are just what you said – decisions! Give yourself lots of credit for a S'mom job well done – everyday!
"I wish Ryen wouldn't cry because Parker is looking at her" — has me laughing So Hard. Siblings! Can't live with 'em, Can't live without 'em!
Unfortunately I have to ask myself what the hell I just did a lot. Not in regards to being a s'mom, but all this other stuff I get myself into. And then I step back and look and have loved every minute of it. Stress at times, a few frustrations, but totally worth it all.
Dude I was totally thinking that if your mom reads this…!!!! You said Hell!
Wow… thats a beautiful post. You're doing a great job, i'm sure of it and anyone who has you as a s-mom is really blessed. 🙂 I love how honest you are… we need more people like that! God bless you!
I want kids so bad and haven’t been able to have them. Its funny how those with kids always say, you don’t know what you are asking for but yet they are so happy with them. Hubby and I enjoy each other but long for those parent moments. May you enjoy these beautiful children God has placed in your path…it sounds like you are a fun smom.
Thank you for being so real and honest!
Even as a biological mom I have these moments ALL the time. Making decisions and choices on their behalf…wondering “did I make the right choice? How will this affect them?” Etc. We do the best we can in our unique situations. The best thing to do in all circumstances is to love…love…love. Show them, tell them and live it! 🙂
Oh Bianca, Keeping it real!! That is what I love most!! I was a single mom for 3 years I met a wonderful man and our son is an adult now. He moved away after high school and I emptied nested for a year in a half. It took me that long to adjust. My husband and I loved our "new" life! We were like on a honeymoon. My son recently moved back in, and when he goes out we are like kids! I love your honesty, even for a biological parent we have these thoughts. Parenting is the toughest job on earth, but the rewards are so worth it!! I love my son, and after not seeing him for 2 years I hug him every chance I get. God is awesome! Parker and Ryen and so blessed to have you enrich their lives! And teach them, guide them and hold them. You are blessed to have Matt and them as well! Blessings always and thanks again for your words!
LOVED this post. but, yes, mom will still be upset you wrote "hell" in a blog post. seriously.
Then I won't tell Mom you actually SAY hell all the time. Muwahahahahaha…. I'm evil.
Bianca, thank you for your honesty, this post brought tears to my eyes, (let's face it, I'm a crybaby). You're right, this new role can't be easy, in a lot of way this isn't a true "newlywed" set up, but the other posters are right, your stepkids are very lucky to have you in their lives. It takes so much to live a life of integrity and I'm glad that they have you all. Keep it up!
You so threw Kati under the "dust"! Dirty! Other than that beautiful and very very well said. xxJ:)
Only when I was not saved 😀
Now I say, “what the heck did I do?”
I'm sure your mom thought it was me since you told her I cussed up a storm 🙂
I LOVE LOVE LOVE this post!!! so honest so true!!! LOVE!!! xo
Yes Bianca, Jasmine IS right, I was shocked with the title but what a great blog!! You honestly are a great stepmom. I know Matt DAILY counts his blessings for having you in his life! MY LOVE FOR KATY WILL NEVER DIE:) Lova, Mom
What would you have done if you loved your then "boyfriend" but couldnt stand his kid(s)? One really does marry the children as you know. i love the man but cant stand the kid…what to do?????????????
I hate to tell you this: don't do it.I'm not saying this because it'll be hard for you… I'm saying this because it'll be hard for him. You're basically asking him to choose between his child and his heart. That's not fair. You MAY fall in love with the child… but you may not. Don't threaten the relationship with the child's parent. His child will always be his priority… and it should be.It takes a special type of person to step-parent. I'm saying this as one who fails miserably all the time! Seriously Laura, don't move forward if you already know its going in a bad direction. I'm praying for you right NOW.
I hate to tell you this: don't do it.
I'm not saying this because it'll be hard for you… I'm saying this because it'll be hard for him. You're basically asking him to choose between his child and his heart. That's not fair. You MAY fall in love with the child… but you may not. Don't threaten the relationship with the child's parent. His child will always be his priority… and it should be.
It takes a special type of person to step-parent. I'm saying this as one who fails miserably all the time! Seriously Laura, don't move forward if you already know its going in a bad direction. I'm praying for you right NOW.
What a beautiful and well written post!! I was cracking up out loud on the reeces and pooping!! LOL