I heard the following question asked on the radio today and nearly died: Ask your spouse what it’s like to be married to you.
Being married to me is like one big party. Minus the balloons, cake, streamers, and confetti. So basically it’s a table with me sitting at one end. Maybe playing with fire.
No, but seriously. Why on earth would I ask Matt what’s it’s like to be married to me?! I already know it includes headaches, heartaches, stomachaches, and annoyance. But this question has permeated my mind and convicted me on a number of levels.
For starters, I have NEVER thought about what it’s like to live with me, but I ALWAYS will point out what it’s like to live with anyone else, be it a roommate, family member, friend, or spouse.
After some soul searching [Los Angeles traffic allows for 75 minutes of soul searching and occasionally fist pumping to pop music on my commute home], I discovered to following things:
- I’m neurotic. This is proven in the fact that I’ve asked my roommate and life partner 16,392 times in the last six months if I’m neurotic. Case. In. Point.
- I want the entire house to be clean, but as long as my bedroom door is shut, I can care less what pile of Emelda Marcos shoe collection or pile of books say about me.
- I have this thing about water stains on glass shower doors. I squeegee my shower doors constantly and Kaboom-them weekly.
- I care about everything. And when I say everything, you should know that it’s everything. I won’t ask you if you want vegetables with dinner, I’ll tell you why you need vegetables with dinner. I will tell you why you should know my opinion while subtly slipping in that my idea is waaaaaaay better than yours. I will take care of you and mother you in an annoying Nurse Ratchet kind of way, because—well—you don’t take care of yourself. Obviously.
The list goes on and on, but boiled down to the ugly dross is the sad realization that I’m a nag. A contentious woman who is highly opinionated, but has a good heart. But good hearts with no action plan only lead to boring headstones.
Matt has always taught me to lead with the end in mind. His reference was to my teaching style, but I’ve taken his advice and applied it to my life. I want to live my life focused on the finish line [2 Timothy 4:7]. When I leave this earth, will my roommates talk about my mildew-free showers or my quiet and listening spirit? Will my husband say that I served him respectfully or nagged him constantly? Will people I serve say I mothered them or launched them to dream bigger dreams?
And since I want life to be one, big party, join me at the table. Bring the confetti, cake, streamers, and stories of what your roommates would say about you. If you want to lead with the end in mind, how are you living now versus how you want to be remembered when you die?
Oh, B… this post is, well.. humbling. To say the least. Thanks for the reminder that for all the things we feel the need to nitpick about in others, there's just as many things, if not more, in us. Being mindful of our own shortcomings helps us to not only appreciate God's grace, but to lavish that same grace on others. We really, really (really, really, really, etc.) need Jesus!
Oh, and my roommates… well they'd probably say I'm a "mom"… sometimes in a good way (like when there's freshly baked chocolate chip cookies) but also in the worst ways (nagging, complaining about dirty dishes, etc.)… I rarely let any little thing slip past me. But then I start to see myself doing those things that annoy me when they're done by others. And then I realize I'm a big ol' hypocrite who ought to show a lot more grace. And then I beg Jesus for His help, 'cause I'm very aware I can't do any of this without Him!
Werd!
Oh Vey! conviction conviction conviction….as I look in the mirror and realize that I am nothing more then a "pea brain" who thinks she is " all that an a bag of fritos" when it comes to living with my ugly self. I wish that my life was one big party, cake and streamers and loud beats…instead it's a bit of party poopin'n going on. I realize that I am indeed a big nag who often has nothing good to say to my soul mate aka " roommate". I nit pick everything about him, rarely saying anything good. Instead saying nothing at all. When he gives me compliments, my ears are often deaf to it. We live under the same roof but do we share the same heart, NO, far from it. Praying that our two hearts would become one once again, and soon. Will you pray to?!
Andrea, I promise I will be praying for you! Promise.
Here's two things that has changed my perspective:
1. Ask the hard question of what it would be like to be married to me.
2. Start a journal of all the things I love and appreciate about my husband. This has proven to be a wonderful reminder and tool 🙂
I'm learning to make His "ways" my ways, I'm learning that every part of my life needs to come under submission to Him, I'm learning that things will never matter as much as people. Thanks for the reminder to keep my eye's focused on the finish line!
Did someone say "finish line"? I'll race you there!!!
oh my…well i'm a bit of a nag as well…which kills me because i cannot stand to be nagged…i am definitley not living how i would like to be remembered…really i feel like i live a cowardly life (those issues start deep, but that's another story)….i want to be remembered as the mother who taught her children well (basically like all those stories you share about your mama:))…i want to be remembered for being a woman after God's own heart…ayayay…the list could go on forever…but thanks so much for reminder…
what a great reminder for me today!!! thank you thank you. so true…. they aren't going to remember how many days i worked out or how many times i ate an extra cookie or if i kept my room exceptionally clean or my desk was clear and my to do list done…they're going to remember the times that i saw them. that i stopped to talk to them and hear them. to hear their stories and carry their stories with me. the times i engaged with them and loved them well.
I've always said that it would be really hard for me to adjust to living with someone permanently. Yeah, I can handle a week or two or even a few months, but actually, for real living with someone? That would be really difficult for me, I've always said. What I've never thought about, though, is how it would be difficult for someone to adjust to living with me. That sounds like something I need to consider. Because right now, giving up sole control of the remote would probably be a pretty big struggle.
Hey Julie! Welcome to the commentors club 😉
The fact that you can admit your fear of living with someone is a great FIRST step! And let me remind you that you don't have to find a roommate. Maybe That is a sign that your contentment is not found in a partner. Either way, having this discussion is important. And I appreciate your honesty!
Thanks for the welcome! Right now I'm definitely not looking for a roommate. The next person I live with will either be a husband or my roommate at the nursing home. I think you're right. My family just can't understand how I can be 30, single and still be happy…lol But the thing is, I am. I happy. I'm content with where I'm at and where I'm going, and I really feel like God is using this time in my life for a great renewal. Thanks so much for this post. If you can't tell, it really struck a chord!
I'm not married, but I do have brothers whom I nag…Funny thing is that when God convicts me to encourage rather than nag they usually end up making the right decisions. Jesus never nagged.lol This post is very thought provoking, will probably be "chewing" on it all day. Thanks for this entertaining, and deep post.
Admitting that I'm a nag has been the hardest thing. But with people I love, I feel it's MY responsibility to intervene. My "Savior Complex" needs to be left to the Savior. 🙂
HA! Only if I get to eat them too…..too bad things are rarely that black and white! Besides, I suppose if we want to be healthy when we're old and still pushing littles on the swings then we better stick to the diet and exercise and eating just one cookie now and then 😉
Great post, Bianca! I am definitely being moved toward the process of understanding how my day-to-day life is what will make up my legacy. The decisions we make daily and the way we choose to live in relationship with one another make up our stories, and our stories truly are the most important part of our legacy.
*ask
But, if the roles were reversed – what would he say about me? He'd probably say I am a constricting nag and a funsucker. I focus too much on the little things, which makes me miss out on how fun things could be. I don't take enough risks. That's not what I want to be known as. But, it's hard – so,so hard to change yourself. Especially because I've been fine living with myself for all these years, but now someone else has to deal with me. Great post, lots to think about, and hopefully because of this I will actually face on this fear instead of hiding it like I have been!
Steph, the BEST advice I can give to you is start a journal and list all the reasons why you're marrying him, how amazing he is, and how much you love him. Because honestly, there will be times you might need a reminder 🙂
Secondly, you sound JUST like my husband. Coming from someone who is FUN-oriented, make sure you allow us to be creative and fly high… but gently bring us to reality when we get out of control. Best of luck and congrats on finding your future husband!
Marriage is awesome.
don't ask how many times a male has said to me: "oh how i'd like to meet the man married to YOU!" probably not good. not good at all.
Thank you for being so honest. Although a nice, clean shower is important I agree that at the end it's better to be known as a woman who is not a nag. I always think of Proverbs 25:24: "It is better to live on the corner of a roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." OUCH but boy can I relate to your sentiments.
My hubby has confessed in the past that he has to walk on eggshells around me. I'm sensitive, impatient, and not a good forgiver at all. With God's help I want to be able to practice James 1:19 "Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger." I also want to learn with my whole heart how to be a good and quick forgiver and how to just accept people as they are and recognize that there will be injustices in life.
Thank you for challenging us to grow as wives and women.
I loved this post. It's adorable.
My wife and I are in a small group going through a DVD study on "Love & Respect" and it has been incredible. The concept of pink vs. blue and how different men & women are is astounding. Highly recommend checking it out. It'll ensure a long AND happy marriage for any couple.
A liitle late to the party but this is really good! You just let it all out. Love it! Btw, i'm afraid to ask J what it's like to live with me so I'll just sit quietly and enjoy this party.
While Papa and I were walking through our Marriage Crisis in January, I often thought of this question. But … after almost 29 years of marriage … I'm still too chicken to actually ask it. 🙂 Seriously.
Great question, though.
I have had similar conversation starters with some of my young adult children, recently. I've asked the 6 young adults what I should do differently as I parent the 6 Young Ones. There are some issues, that I would just let slide, if all my children were grown and gone. But, realizing that I've made Mama Mistakes, I have asked for their input so I don't make the same mistakes for the next 10+ years.
Hope your week is BLESSED!
Mama D. 🙂
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