Divorce is a growing problem in America. The casual attitude of divorce in the secular world is spilling over into the church, where the statistics are only slightly lower. Marriage is no longer until death parts, but until unhappiness ensues. Consider the following statistics from the US Census Bureau:
In 1920, there was 1 divorce for every 7 marriages. That is 14%.
In 1940, there was 1 divorce for every 6 marriages. That is 17%.
In 1960, there was 1 divorce for every 4 marriages. That is 25%.
In 1972, there was 1 divorce for every 3 marriages. That is 33%.
In 1977, there was 1 divorce for every 2 marriages. That is 50%.
Of course, the divorce rate has stayed around 50% since the 70’s, but has recently exceeded that.
divorce, dating, and dogma… from Bianca Juarez on Vimeo.
Meiyen asked me to address the issue of divorce and discuss what is acceptable and what is not acceptable within the church. I’m not a theologian, but I am a student of God’s word. These answers are not the rule for every church, but hopefully we can knowledgeably discuss this topic in grace.
God is not the Law Master who wants to arm-bar us into submission. He is loving and forgiving. However, let’s be biblically aware of some guidelines to possibly frame a discussion around:
1. What if a person was an unbeliever when he got divorced for an unbiblical reason, but now is a Christian? If reconciliation is an option, seek it out. However, if the ex-spouse is not a believer, do not remarry (2 Cor. 6:14) or if the ex-spouse is remarried, don’t try to reconcile (Duet. 24:3-4; Mark 10:11-2).
2. What if person was a believer when he got divorced, but the reason was not adultery or abandonment and now wants to remarry someone different? If you initiated the divorce, uh, er–read Matthew 19:9. I didn’t say it, Jesus did. However, if reconciliation with original spouse is sought with a confession of sin, that’s the best option. If you were the one left by a believing spouse who didn’t want to reconcile, Stella, go get your groove back!
3. What if a person was a believer when he got divorced, but the reason was not adultery or abandonment, and remarried? Is he is sin? Depending on the circumstances, he may be. But he should confess his sin to the Lord and spouse and seek forgiveness from the original spouse and then he should stay married and be the best husband (or wife) he can be.
Can anyone add to the discussion? What are your views or opinions? Are they backed by scripture?
I love, love, love your videos! Enjoyed this one a lot, and I'm happy for you and your fiance. Divorce is a tough thing, for EVERYONE involved, and I wish I'd known that 20 some years ago. I fall into the #3 category, and while I don't feel it's possible to seek forgiveness from the original spouse, I've prayed about it and I know God understands my reasoning. THANK YOU for sharing your thoughts on this touchy subject! Hope you have a wonderful weekend!
I'm pretty much in sync with you on the issue. I'd like to add a word of caution if you're divorced and your spouse is seeking reconciliation. Don't just jump into it because God wants us to keep reconciliation. You need to pray and be wise yourself. If you have a spouse that divorced you because of issues in their life like pride then you shouldn't run right back to them just because they say they want you back. It could be they see you moving on and they don't like the feeling they can't control you anymore. They might just be tired of being lonely because their decision to leave you for someone or something else didn't turn out the way they had hoped & now they're running back to use you. God wants reconciliation, true. He doesn't want you running in to enable someone else's sin and return to situations where more pain and hurt can be brought upon you, them and possibly children who are involved.
I have to say thank you for speaking out about this truth, because sometimes we do not see what God has planned for them either and what He is trying to do. So yes, we must be so careful to bring everything before Him and COVER it in Him before we make a move. He is such a faithful God and if we ask for His guidance He promises to do exactly that, guide us.
Having grown up with parents who still love each other (GASP, SHOCK, SWOON!), I always approached divorce with trepidation and sadness, but as the statistics show, it is so common in our day and age. Many of my closest friends (Believers) have experienced it and I'd like to think I don't come from a place of judgement any longer. However, being single and in my 30s, I am very cautious when I do meet a single man who has been through a divorce. I usually try to determine the root of it, because I not only do I want to be in a loving and righteous relationship, but I also don't want to be in a sinful one…interesting times and interesting topic. Thanks for sharing your perspective and the Biblical resources.
XOXO!
OK Bianca & readers…
My issue is this. Even saying "abandonment" can be a gray issue. For example, one of my close friends got divorced after adultery. She did not try to reconcile with her husband. She committed the affair. He wanted to reconcile. She understands completely that she has sinned.
I have been divorced as well. I was married for less than one year. I quickly realized that while my husband did not *intentionally* lie, he said a lot of things during our pre-marital counseling and during our counseling for reconciliation, that he had no intention of carrying out. He is a good man. He is not ready to be a husband to anyone right now. We went to counseling for months, I went to counseling in hopes of "heading off" some of our issues before he was ready to face them.
Now I'm dating someone new. He is a youth minister and long-time friend. We truly feel like God has put us together at this point in our lives, which brings me to your Scripture reference. The Scripture reference was Mark 10:9 "What God has brought together"…I truly feel like God did not bring my first husband and I together. Unfortunately, I did not realize this before we got married. We did pre-marital counseling with a minister. We got married in our church. Many people, since the wedding, have said "but you all had such a Christian wedding"…but who's to say that we had a Christian marriage if God wasn't in the center. Unfortunately, my husband was not ready to have God be the center of our relationship or to be our spiritual leader. Is that my fault? I realize I should've seen it. I have felt nothing *but* responsible for the last year since our separation. In fact, I have a blog about my feelings from my divorce here:http://worldofjessicamichelle.blogspot.com/2010/0… and here:http://worldofjessicamichelle.blogspot.com/2010/0… (the second one is more about my struggles living with sin, in general).
So I guess my question is, if my husband chose to give up on our marriage (he said "I can't do this anymore) in counseling and agreed when the counselor asked if he was talking about divorce, does that mean that I was abandoned? If we realized that we were wrong to get married in the first place, should we have stayed in it forever tolerably? If anything, Christian counseling made us realize that things were worse than we'd thought. I'm not ready to go slamming my counselor or saying we're idiots or judging our situation as the *only* one.
Also, should we be more "nosy" before people are married? I saw the divorce rates posted on the blog and all I could think was, "why did those people stay married in 1920?" There was a smaller divorce rate when we had arranged marriages as well, but none of us agree with that, do we? I'm not trying to be argumentative *truly* I'm not. I'm just so confused by this even after my own situation. Do I hate being divorced? Yes. Do I feel like it's a sin that I can never get rid of? Yes. Does it define who I am or the fact that I typically make bad/sinful decisions? No more than anyone else. In fact, my grandparents had a difficult time because in their eyes I'd never done anything "wrong" before. So what do I do? How should I feel? My boyfriend is such a support and he and I have dealt with the emotional baggage of my divorce throughout the course of our relationship thus far. Should we not get married because I'm divorced and he's a minister?
I just feel like making too many exceptions defeats the purpose of sin and consequences, but also that making people feel outcast will keep some…*some* people in abusive/negligent/bad marriages. What if they can't all be saved?
I'm *so* sorry that there are so many questions in this post, please feel free to respond by email if that's easier. 🙂 Thanks.
Well as someone who was in an abusive marriage with a person who was at the time the worship leader at our church… I have to say that my views on all of this changed a lot when I went through it. Our divorce was long, drawn out, and surrounded by all kinds of hurtful rumors and talk. At the end of the day, I know that I had Biblical backing and I will get remarried again one day. And it will be wonderful. It has NOT killed my faith in the institution of marriage, and it has not given me the excuse to get divorced again. I think that happens so much. As Christians who go through a divorce (when we never thought it was an option in the first place), suddenly it's like next time around its an option and it isnt a big deal because you've done it once before. The next time I get married it will be for good. I have learned so much from what I went through and I have seen God take something that was bad and use it for His good. I have seen marriages saved because of what I went through. I have seen abuse recognized in dating relationships that have then ended because of what I went through, and I have seen my heart and attitude change when it comes to being judgemental because of what I went through. Divorce was never God's plan… but God is good and graceful. I am so thankful for that!
Well there is NO way to paint a thorough picture of the circumstances at the time so I'm going to be brief. 😉 I was married young under a LOT of pressure from family even though I KNEW I didn't want to be married to that person. At the time I knew and loved my current husband (the family knew it too).
Anyway, we lived as husband and wife for 2 months before I was strong enough to leave. And literally penniless and alone as my family turned their backs. I made it work and eventually did marry the person I believe God had for me all along. We are committed to each other 100% with divorce not being an option. We have been married 13 years now. At the time I was in rebellion against God because to me my family was "representative" of God and the church and I just didn't see how He/It could be good.
Anyway, I came back to God a year into my second marriage. And he led me through a total process of seeking forgiveness from my 1st husband, the pastor who married us and God himself. I never did seek forgiveness from my family. However, we have repaired our relationship as well as is possible.
I know what the bible says on all of this. And I believe that Grace (that wonderfully scandalous thing) has allowed me to be forgiven for my sins in this area.
I also think Jessica brings up a great question: "The Scripture reference was Mark 10:9 "What God has brought together"…I truly feel like God did not bring my first husband and I together. Unfortunately, I did not realize this before we got married." I feel the same. And I think that verse bears closer study.
Anyway, I think this is a great VLOG topic. I am NOT a proponent of divorce. It is NOT an option for me in my current state of faith. In my past I made decisions while in a state of separation and rebellion from God. I wish I hadn't made those decisions. However, I've made my peace with God. And the people involved whom the Spirit moved me to make peace with. And I have no regrets at this point. I think though that reversing the trend is going to take a move of God because there are generational patterns in place now that would seem to keep the current trend in place.
Yes, yes, yes! I think you would be great to connect with Jessica Willis because you kinda come from the same forrest, ya know? 🙂
All I know is that I'm so glad you found out about the lies of your ex before it was too late.
Annnnnd, I'm happy you are getting married again…
Whoa! No way! I didn't know you had such a great story!
13 years and no conversation of divorce? You deserve a medal. I want to similarily ban the word divorce from my future marriage 🙂
YES you should get married. Okay, okay, I'm not God so my opinion doesn't really count, but your ex gave up! You tried reconciling. You asked for forgiveness. Your current boyfriend loves you and loves God… and he HAS a job. What the heck?!
Do you love God? Have you asked for forgiveness? Did you really try to save your marriage? Are you going to be more conscious next time? YES!!!
Great addendum!
Get ready for bike riding 😉
Love,
Your Match Maker
You too!!!
I'm glad you are happy and serving the Lord. Grace is GREAT!
You're so smart! Dude, I should've just asked you 😉
I've never commented before but this topic totally captured my attention. Congratulations by the way…If I could do the happy dance on the blog I so would have. I was so happy and excited to read about your engagement!
Anyway, on to my thought…I am finalizing my divorce. I struggled to make the decision because I was holding on to what the Lord says about divorce. I consulted with my then Pastor's wife and leaders of my church about what was going on but I always felt more confused.
I left my husband because of physical and emotional abuse. Not only was I suffering it but so were my children. My then 4 year old girl and my son who was in the oven at the time.
I would cry out to the Lord for change, guidance, confirmation, something…and one evening…the door was open. I felt at peace with my decision and left. It took me 7 months to file but when I did…whoa what a sense of "I'm going to be ok." I know this is a topic of debate. I don't promote divorce…in no way had I chosen this path had it been for other struggles but this was my decision to protect me and my children from a spiral of abuse.
I've also come to a place in this road where I have been able to forgive him and ask him for forgiveness. Mind you, it took me almost a year. But the day I asked him to forgive me…wow…it was something I didn't really want to do in my flesh but God kept nudging my heart…and I obeyed. Completely shocked him but I was able to move forth.
All this to say…that I have learned that everyone has an opinion about this…but each case is different as everything else. I came to God and asked for His guidance…it's been a tough season but it's brought me to my knees and my love for Him and my faith in Him has flourished. 🙂
The only conversation about divorce we EVER have had was in the midst of a "fight." We were both in tears and we made it a point in that conversation to say that no matter what we were dealing with divorce would never be an option. That conversation allowed me to feel secure enough in my marriage to be honest. And years later we went to a Marriage conference. At the end of it we signed a marriage contract. The contract stated among other things divorce not being an option. Our children signed it as witnesses. Powerful stuff.
I've been married for a little less than 3 years and my husband and I said, "I will not divorce you." in our vows. My sister saw my vows before the ceremony and thought that we should change it. I adamantly told her no because my husband was a child with divorced parents and we mean what we say. We are still addressing issues in my husband's Biblical leadership abilities because he didn't have that example growing up. We will not do that to our children.
There have been many times that, if we didn't have the faith we do, I would pack up and leave. It hurts immensely sometimes to have someone you're so open to, hurt you unintentionally and then reconcile and then be open to them again. But God has blessed it and I know that He led us together. How else would a California girl marry a farm boy from Iowa?! In difficult times, I remember God's faithfulness and how He brought such odd-balls together, and I rest in God's sovereign plan for our lives together.
Thanks, I love reading your blog, and your sister's 🙂 obviously for very different reasons. 🙂 Anyway, I really appreciate your comments and your feedback. Even though other people aren't God, sometimes it's good for those of us dealing to at least hear that someone else understands or sees our point of view!
Haha, and it's funny you mentioned the differences: loves me, loves God, has a job…because those are things I've literally had a hard time getting used to! Thank you, Bianca! Come to Virginia! 🙂 Bring your sister!
Diandra, we have VERY similar stories. I also went through a lot at my church. People speculated because of my friend's divorce that mine was also a result of an affair. However, an affair would've been easier in some ways than just feeling like the other person didn't care at all. I would've rather him been going elsewhere so I could feel less blamed. But people were awful, they spread rumors and lies, they didn't reach out to either of us, and then they tried to judge what we were doing. I completely understand and empathize. It's nice to hear someone else understands what I've gone through first hand! I will be praying for you and your next husband! 🙂
I have been marry for 10 years, which I consider is the biggest mistake of my life, we are completely different and when you get tired of waiting for the person to acknowledge and be there for you, I am really sorry to said but divorce is the only way out, I am going crazy her because I don’t even want to go home and see him!! I am so hurt that I felt so depressed all the time. for example he is there just because we are marry and God’s hate divorce but, do God wants me to be miserable .We have no kids and it is not because we can’t, it is because we have no intimacy, I have been begin him for a child and he said that it is my fault because I upset him, he blamed everything on me and doesn’t see his mistakes. Yesterday night we had a huge fight and this is happening more often than usual, I know it is because we cannot stand each other anymore. So do I stay and be miserable and grow up older desiring to be a mom which I never will because he doesn’t touch me or should I leave him and try to rebuild my life. I only want to be free and don’t feel forced attached to a person that I don’t love or respect anymore
what a great blog…
First let me say I think marriage is a beautiful, wonderful thing. However, (and this maybe slightly off topic) but I think sometimes alot of people romanticize marriage and think it's going to be easy when in reality it's really hard (so say all my married friends say) and throw in the towel when (to quote you ) "unhappiness ensues." I hate to admit it but a big reason why I'm still unmarried at 31 is because I'm scared to death of getting married and DIVORCED. I come from parents who set a great example for me. Although they didn't have a perfect marriage (who does?) decided from the jump that they better find a way to make it work and have some fun while they were at it cause this was it for them …and they saw it all richer, poorer, sickness and health until death did they part…literally! In being a witness to their marriage I feel like I know what it takes (God, sacrifice, faithfulness, forgiveness, communication etc.) and I'm afraid my future husband won't. It's a sad fear…I admit it!
Ok so here's a scenario… a Christian man fell into an extramarital affair and was actually the one who filed and got the divorce. It's been 10+ years and he is about to get married with a lady who has been divorced herself (I'm not sure of the reason). Both say that they are Christian but that is debatable (no fruit in their lives). Both ex' are unmarried.
So good. As a Family Life Education Major at school all I see all day is divorce statistics and its effect on the family. People today see divorce as to much of an option just in case things don't go the way you thought they would. To many churches today are teaching divorce as an option or not teaching what the Bible says on divorce at all. If both people are truely seeking the Lord and loving like Jesus loves the church divorce should never be on their minds… Statistically the divorce rate for 2nd and 3rd marriages is much higher
Marriage is so much work. SO. MUCH. What I see here is two people who desperately need HELP. Counseling. Prayer. The only way to get a different kind of marriage is to start doing some things differently. I am praying for you and your husband to seek help. To set aside what you "thought" marriage was supposed to be like and to start working at the marriage you have. ((((hugs))))) I'm very sorry for your situation.
Maxine, I read your comment and totally feel you… well, once upon a time. Although we have a little bit of a different story- my parents are divorced, I understand the fear that you are talking about. In my situation, however, there were evident reasons to be fearful about… well, at least I thought. When it came to relationships and marriage, fear paralyze me. I not only had tormenting thoughts like, "My parents were Christian and they got divorced, what makes me think that I'm going to make it?", I also didn't trust my judgement when it came to relationships because I made some mistakes in the past. All this to say, as I waited on the Lord, trusted Him with this area of my life, surrendered my fears and anxieties to him (and this wasn't a one time prayer), He totally blessed me with a wonderful husband. Although I knew that I knew he was God's best for me, I still feared but I was comforted with and lived out this truth… perfect love casts out fear (1Jn 4:18). We are married now…still newlyweds (well, a year married…and counting). Be encouraged, girl, and pray… the Lord will give you peace (Phil 4:6-7). Prayin' for you too!
Thank you Renay….your story, encouragement and prayers mean alot!
First off, thank you for your comment. It's hard to discuss but important.
Secondly, my PERSONAL opinion is that it was a wise decisio. Anything that is contrary to the Word of God is not good. Your husband was NOT loving you or your children like Christ loved the church. Therefore, he has abicated his right as your husband.
Third, YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD! Don't forget that. If he hurts you, that is not right.
I'm praying fervently for your exhusband and I pray he change. Not so that you'll take him back, but that his life will be altered by God.
I'm a single 20 something year old and like maxineluna I've been witness to a beautiful marriage of my parents which to date is 34 years in the making and still going strong! Also like maxineluna I have fears that I'll never have a marriage like that of my parents or my sister and her husband. I'm worried that if I do get married sometime in the future that I'll do something to stuff it up but hope that I find someone as patient as my Dad and as loving as my mum that would forgive me for my stuff ups! I also know that i'll need to find someone strong enough to remind me that God needs to be at the centre of our lives rather then me (or our relationship!)
Interesting topic and intesting to hear opinions but also blessings to see the messages of support and love that are shared to peoples comments.
Sigh… I guess it's no good to try to come here and try to get validation for my ideas about when divorce is ok or not for my family, since God's the one Whom we want direction from. But do you think you could pray for my mom and my family? My parent's marriage is so far gone. Alcoholic, mentally unstable, and totally rejecting of Christ don't make for a good husband or dad. Please pray that the Lord gives my mom guidance on whether we should leave or stay. It seems like severe hurt and troubles await us no matter which we do. Sad face…
The Lord is with us, and I'm trusting Him. But things are getting ridiculous…
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