Dr. Patty philosophized and reported with convincing words why marriage and the Judeo-Christian institution was unimportant. It’s nothing more than a piece of paper which forces people to stay together when they don’t want to, he said as he bit into his baguette in our college cafeteria. The words were an assault on everything I had been taught and the commitment I witnessed between my parents.
According to a recent Wall Street Journal article more 20 and 30somethings are putting marriage off than any other generation.
A bachelor cocktail of high divorce rates, high unemployment stats, and splash of simple cohabitation makes a stiff drink ruining the holiness of matrimony. The Census Bureau reports that many large cities have the highest amount of single young adults, with San Francisco topping the charts at 82% of unmarried adults. [*Note to singles: Don’t pack your bags and move to San Fran just yet!]
An easy alternative to the expense of marriage, fear of marital failure, or ease of dissolving a psuedo-committed relationship is to live together without the a formal commitment.
But what does the bible say? Is this effecting the Church? What are some comments or thoughts you may have on this issue? Speak freely, but temper all responses with love.
Before discussing ensues, check out these verses:
- Genesis 2:20-25
- Matthew 19:3-11
- Ephesians 5
Great post!!!
You look wonderful btw.
Love this!
You know, I hadn't thought of it like that. It's sad that a person is willing to sign a piece of paper to buy a house or a car, but he isn't willing to sign a piece of paper to commit to another human being.
Your dad is right – if it's just paper and doesn't mean anything, then the same can be said of all the examples you gave. What's money? What's a car title? What's a house deed? Just paper. "It doesn't mean anything".
Thanks for this food for thought! 🙂
jsuwsXFD
I've just started reading it, but for more information to defend why sex should wait until marriage, the introduction and first chapter (so far) speak to this topic from the book: The Act of Marriage by Tim LaHaye. It sites some more scripture verses and tell WHY God loves marriage and why marriage is a GOOD thing for those in the marriage.
Having been married 3 years now, (I'm a shrimp compared to my grandparents' 65 years!) it's incredibly comforting to know that my husband is not going to leave me because of that commitment, that piece of paper, those vows we said on our wedding day. Often times in the heat of a disagreement, it was those vows, those promises, echoing in my head that made me stop from running away from it, going for a drive to escape it and made me push through the "hard times" to get to where we are today. And God has richly blessed it! 🙂 It's a security of unconditional love that gets me every time-a representation of "God with skin on". I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
I'm just playing devil's advocate, but when you say "it's incredibly comforting to know that my husband is not going to leave me because of that commitment, that piece of paper" I can't help but snicker in cynicism because divorce rates are about 50% in American marriages, and 34% in non-denominational marriages. I truly hope this grim statistic doesn't apply to your union, but beyond being safe due to vows or a marriage certificate, I think it comes down to an individual keeping their word after making such a valuable commitment.
references: http://www.divorcerate.org/ http://www.religioustolerance.org/chr_dira.htm
Those book shelves make you look smart. Thoroughly impressed. 😉
xxxo
Dad's office. Duh.
hahaha I was soooo wondering if that was your dad's office. because that's what my dad's office looks like 🙂
I was wondering where your neutral wall and corner plant had wandered off to..
I totally agree with all you said…marriage is a beautiful promise…so sad lots of people don't see it that way…my hubby and i have been thru it all…we are still in love with eachother and we have worked through it all (with God)…i have a 14 going on 15 yr old and I hope that we are teaching him the value of marriage and what God intended it to be…happy friday:)
The beauty of marriage is that you are free to be yourself, to be vulnerable, to hope, to share, to be scared, to fail. Knowing that it's forever gives you a freedom not found in cohabitating, and from that true intimacy is found.
I think there's a huge stigma associated wtih commitment today. Perhaps there always has been, but I don't believe to this degree.
This is just speculation, but I believe parents, friends, and even churches have tried to help shield the younger audience from having to face the realities of divorce by telling them they need to wait until they are completely prepared and ready for the costs of marriage before they dive in. I can appreciate the good intention, but what we're facing because of this is a generation with commitment issues, higher chances of divorce because of the number of sexual relationships people are now having because of "playing house" and delaying marriage, the diminishing of grandparents because of delayed child bearing, and an over all selfishness in life because of the "think about only yourself" mentality we've been fed growing up. I DO believe that no one should marry before they're completely prepared and ready for it, but I don't believe that has to look like a college degree, established career, a house and mortgage, and a good credit score.
… con't…
We've been told to focus on our careers, figure out who we are, not let a man or women get in the way of our dreams, avoid children as long as we can, etc. etc. But this is all so self-centered. Not to mention our twenty somethings might as well still be teenagers. It's as if society is telling us to stay young and avoid anything that would make you think about someone else until you absolutely have to. But we're being robbed of the God-ordained intimacy and discipleship a marriage provides by putting it off. Not to mention the staggering rise in statistics of divorce when one becomes sexually active before marriage.
I don't believe we should PUSH twenty and thirty something into marriage if they don't want to. But I do believe we should encourage it more than we have. It's better to do it right the first time then to try and unscramble the eggs down the road.
QUESTION: If we believe this, what are we doing to not just state our opinion but DO something about it?
Many singles are left with limited options! Even with a graduate degree I couldn't afford to live on my own in LA, let alone save for a wedding. Moving home was my only option.
Are we creating options? Are we opening our doors to struggling young adults? Are we living simply so other can simply live?
Love that you always push me to ACT. 🙂
Well I like to start them early … with counseling 🙂 As a professional counseling student and hundreds of hours logged with the youth, I see a pattern of unhealthy relationship ideals. So much so that my thesis proposal was how to increase healthy relationship behaviors. Even looking at my friends and their relationships, I'm not sure any of us have a clue about what a marriage takes. Even I'm still learning and will continue to learn (I'm a nerd for the study of relationships!). My point is that before we can do something about the sanctity of marriage, we need to take a few steps back and look at the dysfunctional relationship patterns we develop before marriage (cohabitation, playing house, co-ed sleep overs, hooking-up, distorted dating practices, pushing physical sexual boundaries, etc.) By the time we get to marriage we are hobbling! -Kate
Brilliant. Just brilliant. I love my husband so much and want to start going to counseling asap. I don't want to wait until we're fractured to try to fix it.
In response to living with limited options, I see a scary trend in urban youth and young adults. There is this need to portray wealth and style through possessions. I work with in the youth employment sector in LA and oftentimes I see my students purchasing expensive new shoes, clothing, excess-ories, phones, and gadgets. Instead of putting $200 towards renting a better apartment, books or tuition, or even food, they would much rather get rims for their beat up jalopies or get the new iPhone.
I even have friends from church who've told me they don't have money for gas or to go out to dinner but a few days later have new outfits that are much more expensive.
As Americans, we do not know how to budget or spend wisely, but what's even more scary to me is that I don't think many people want to learn.
Simple response to your living simply question: No, we're not.
There are many programs, organizations, and gov't assistance options for those that are struggling financially, but on the individual level do we reach out and help others by living simply? I don't believe so. I'm not saying that no one is lending a helping hand to their fellow man, but as an American society I don't believe that we are. We as Americans–and humans–are greedy, either by nature or influenced by media. Imagine if every employed individual donated a portion of their income to help a struggling individual! What we could do if we all came together is, well, a whole lot!
Mother Theresa was once asked why God created poverty (yeah, a loaded question). She answered that we created poverty because we don't know how (or refuse) to share.
[I'm not going comment crazy,promise!] Did you know that today is national blog action day?
1 John 3:17 (New International Version)
If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?
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I [heart] your mom and dad so so much.
Wow this is a great topic. It's very sad that so many people don't want to commit in really anything. Got me thinking, Bianca! Thanks! Have a blessed weekend!! 🙂
After my Graduate degree from The University of Texas, I moved to Denver. There were not many options in 2005 for jobs. I took what I could get and ended up working at an internet marketing company (I am pretty sure they just spammed the heck out of people). I quit after 3 months because I didn't agree with what they were doing, and went on to work on a national museum exhibit that paid the same amount. I had a Masters and didn't make much, let alone enough to pay off my loans. I ended up living with my brother and his friend. My boyfriend's father passed away and he wanted to get out of Colorado for a bit so we moved to FL, where my parents live.
I ended up moving in with him, but before we did, we talked all the time about marriage and had been looking at rings and stuff, so I knew it was in his head and mine that we would marry. I wouldn't have done anything differently. I grew up going to a Presbyterian church and knew it probably wasn't what the Bible says we should do. My preacher actually left FL a long time ago while I was in high school. He knew we were living together. (BTW it was never talked about with my grandparents even though I knew they knew!) 🙂 He didn't say anything against it and flew to FL from Alabama to perform the ceremony! He was amazing and I felt so comfortable with him there.
I do think that people take advantage of the situations they are in and don't feel the need to be committed to the ones they are with…they aren't choosing the RIGHT people then. We have been married for only 3 years (together for 5) and have identical twin daughters that are 17 months old. I don't think it works for everyone and people definitely need to know there is commitment before going into the situation.
Personally I don't believe in marriage, i have seen so many cauples living together without getting married, on the other hand i seen my married friends , they go to church, sever there, but they only look friendly and happy at church (like drug) outside there they are bitter ,even more than a person who doesnt do that all that holy thing. so I think marriage may work for some people but may not work for others,.
I've seen both too, Glendy. I think that marriage was created by God for companionship and intimacy, He said in Genesis that it isn't good to be alone (Gen. 2:18, 21-24) but why limit it to one individual right? Well, I think it's simply because God loves us and wants to protect us.
Did you ever do that experiment in Sex Ed where everyone had a vial of clear liquid and had to mix it with 3 different people in class to represent having a sexual relation with different partners. Only a couple of students in the whole class had an STD represented by a different solution that was still clear, or invisible to the eye. Once everyone had "shacked up" the teacher went about putting a droplet of a different solution that would change the color of your liquid if you had been "infected" by someone with and STD. I think STDs are just one way of being protected from diseases if everyone (in a "perfect" world) waited until they were in a married relationship to have sex.
Another way I think God uses marriage to protect us is by not having "comparison" issues. I have those even now when it comes to friendships and dating! Being compared to a previous spouse, or partner, can be very harmful to a relationship, for both the person being compared and for the individual doing the comparing. It can play tricks on the mind by filling it with thoughts of doubt and mistrust. "Well Joe would never X, Y and Z. I never should have left him." "Jane would always A, B, and C, why can't you be more like Jane?" I think we are better able to deal with issues, problems and differences when we leave out attributes from our past relationships, which can be even stronger when one has had such an intimate relationship with another such as sex or cohabitation.
Wow, these are really good responses, Cindy.
Glendy, knowing your heart and background, I totally understand why you feel this way. But it's important to know that as humans, WE are flawed and mess good things up! God created a great institution called marriage, but we are the ones to quit, don't keep our promises, or become apathetic. Marriage is hard… but with God and community of believers, we can do this. Together.
I lived with my son’s father for 9 years, 3 of which I was a Christian. After having a dream that I was going to be “left behind” I moved out only to find myself homeless with a 3yr old. I lived with friends, I lived in hotels and no car. Finally with God’s help I found a home, met my husband and now own a house. Living with my ex was the easy thing to do, moving out without a place to stay was difficult because I struggles a whole lot.
My ex found a new girl and lived with her for 5yrs. What did I do??? I continually encouraged him to marry her and he finally did…
God will bless you if you’re obedient
Thank you for sharing your personal story of redemption. XOXO
Whoa, thank you for sharing Norma. I never knew this. What a great example of restoration!
In my mind this all comes down to vision and/or hope. The church has done a tragically bad job of presenting the positive aspects of marriage (actually all of life in general) and the crucial aspects of a positive marriage. Truth is, there aren't enough words to describe the benefits of a great marriage to the people involved, the children they raise and the world in which they live. All we need to do is talk about them. And if we can do that with our actions – actually having great marriages – that's all the better.
KUDOS! This was awesome.
I love your dad's response to you.
By the way – you're simply glowing. Marriage looks good on you. 🙂
Girrrllll……………you need your own talk show, seriously though!! I'd be one of your #1 fans 🙂
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I think we need to be reminded of why God created the sacred union of marriage.
Yes, it is more than signing a piece of paper.
Yes, it means you are committed to your spouse for life– in sickness and in health.
Sadly, society has entertained ideas from movies, media and their friends on how love should be in real-time.
It's the truest version of art imitating life and life imitating art…the media studies us and gives us the news, the movie producers know to give the people what they want– that's how you make a Blockbuster and great gains in the Box Office, friends both in the church and out of the church have their own ideas of what love is and what people in love should (or should not) do. It all rubs off on us as we interact with each other in life. A portion of us take to heart what society says and a portion of us hold true to what God Word tells us.
There was a time in American history where "shacking up" and being a "player" was frowned upon not only by the church but by society. Sure, there's always been people since Adam and Eve's day who broke the rules, but at that time in America the Bible-based morals seemed to make a deeper impression on the minds and hearts of youth.
The media can be a wonderful asset to us, but depending what you expose your mind to, it can also become detrimental to your health. People say, "You are what you eat." Well true to that adage, "You are what you watch." Just as the Bible says that by beholding, we will become changed…if you continually behold images and entertain conversations of sinful nature and low morale, you will become what you're beholding. People who have always followed the rules will begin to break the rules if all they listen and see are people doing so and you also become like the company you keep. So if your friends are rebels and into all sorts of things that you know are wrong then sooner or later you will find yourself engaging in the same self-destructive activities.
I say all of this because there are endless messages out there (not just in the media and movies but in conversations with people we know) that strongly go against the standards God has stated in His Word (The Holy Bible). We are truly (not just in America but worldwide), desensitized to sin. There are people who believe that when you're in love, you should do what lovers do– whether you're married or not. They think it's OK because they truly, madly, deeply love their significant other. When we have an abundance of reality shows, movies and again, people within our social circles going contrary to God's Word, we are in danger of being led to do the same thing.
And let's not touch the phrase of "Everybody's doing it". We are at a stage where being who God has called you to be and living the type of life God has asked you to live is considered "uncool," "stupid," "weird" and you risk the danger of being called a prude or a loser. Reality is that NOT everybody's doing it– a reality that holds true to every argument people use that phrase for and that Jesus is coming again. The Bible says in Galatians 6:7, "Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows."
We need to watch what and who our influences are.
We need to keep good company and make sure that company begins with Jesus.
Living the life God has called us to live is NOT outdated, boring or unnecessary! The Bible reminds us that Earth is not our final home. Heaven where we will be when Jesus comes again to take us there. But guess what? We need to start preparing for our true home now. Breaking God's law and rebelling against His rules on how our lifestyle needs to be will only hinder us in our spiritual walk with Jesus Christ and create roadblocks on the road to eternity with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Remember, there's a war a REAL battle between good and evil taking place every day. We have an enemy and he will do anything and everything to keep us from our goal to be reunited with Jesus Christ and restored to perfect peace, and harmony with God's law.
A pastor once said, "It's not the enemy's plan to CONVERT us, but simply to DIVERT us." Don't let yourself become diverted by how society says we should live (especially when it comes to the argument of not needed a marriage license to prove your love or how "everybody's doing it"). Trust God, keep the faith and keep praying and striving to be all GOD has called you to be. Take heart, the Bible says that we WILL be rewarded for our faith in God.
The Scripture says, "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him" (1 Corinthians 2:9, New International Version).
Choose life. Let God lead. He'll NEVER lead you wrong!
God bless you all!
Wow Bianca, I am so glad our marriage was a good ex. to follow. God bless your marriage with Matt. Love, Mom
I am in Italy right now where it is expected that you move in with your boyfriend (or at least by the time you are engaged). As a single 20-something, I have found it difficult to see my friends choose co-habitation over marriage. There is a level of commitment, but not the ultimate commitment. Marriage is MORE than a contract piece of paper… it's a COVENANT (a word that seems to be lost on people). Looking at the factors, it seems that people in my generation see that marriage didn't work for our parents and the lack of trust between couples getting married leads to pre-nuptials (why would you marry someone you don't completely trust?). We settle because we think that this is the best life will offer us.
I feel like churches add fuel to the fire… The Church shoves single people towards the other singles. It happens. Every. Single. Time. It happened in the small country church I worked at. The suburban church in Detroit. Here in Italy! Just because there's ONE single guy in church doesn't mean I'm destined to be with him. I don't want to just settle for someone who is a Christian. To me, being a Christian isn't enough. I want someone who is passionately pursuing Jesus (a man, I feel, that is hard to find these days).
My generation has issues with commitment. It does not help that we live in a world where Craigslist offers hookups, we change jobs often, we are just looking for what matters to us. A lot of things we use are disposable. Unfortunately, it seems that our relationships are just as disposable.
Preach it, Jenni!
Mille grazie per tu opinion! Bacci e abbraci…
"I feel like churches add fuel to the fire… The Church shoves single people towards the other singles. It happens. Every. Single. Time. It happened in the small country church I worked at. The suburban church in Detroit. Here in Italy! Just because there's ONE single guy in church doesn't mean I'm destined to be with him. I don't want to just settle for someone who is a Christian."
This is exactly how I feel too! There are only two guys my age at my church and it's awkward because I feel there is this pressure "you and ___" would be such a good couple." Just because someone is Christian doesn't mean they are a good personality or relational match. Never settle!
Many of my secular friends refuse to get married because they are so afraid of divorce – sadly all came from divorced homes. Another who is in the army has already been divorced and engaged again. The majority of people come from broken families and experience the effects of divorce firsthand, sothey are fearful of ending up that way too.
Marriage Increases Divorce Risk!
After reading several seemingly contradictory stories about the pros and cons of cohabitation from respected national news sources, I could not help but be reminded of this infamous quote about research… “Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.”– Aaron Levenstein
Regardless of one’s position on living together, perhaps, before or instead of marriage, the fact is the America has become a cohabitation nation. Years of condemnation and negative research studies have had no effect on slowly the rate of cohabitation since most couples reject the guilt-laden, fear-mongering attempts to discourage their living arrangement.
Instead, most cohabiters fear a failed marriage even more than the criticism, so opt to live together despite the odds. Now over 60% of all couples who marry will cohabit first and while the rate of marriage continues to decline, the rate of cohabitation will skyrocket since 75% of high school students believe living together is worthwhile and harmless.
Additionally, many of the latest blogs and newspaper stories critical of cohabiting are either using old research, in some cases going back years or the researchers are being quoted, out of context, to substantiate the reporter’s personal bias. Regardless of the results from the studies on cohabitation, please show me one couple who falls in love, decides to cohabit but as a result of a study on the downside of cohabiting, cancel their plans. Furthermore, if you consider the decades long trend… did you know that getting married increases the possibility of getting divorced to nearly 50%. However, when was the latest time you talked to someone who was planning a wedding but called it off due to the often-quoted, well known 50% failure rate of marriage?
Like it or not, for many, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are the new family role model and cohabitation has become a viable institution for over 12 million Americans. Furthermore, if you base your anti-cohabitation opinion on concerns about children and family stability… here’s an interesting little known fact. A child born to a cohabiting couple in Sweden is more likely to grow to adulthood in the same stable home with the same unmarried parents than a child born to a married couple in America.
Cohabitation does not destabilize marriages or families… people who do not understand commitment do. The goal needs to be teaching the meaning of commitment and walking down the aisle does NOT mean commitment. Another recent study found that among newlyweds… the ones who DID walk down the aisle, 1 in 4 men and 1 in 5 women had an affair within two years of the wedding. Obviously, for millions of newlyweds, the wedding did not increase their commitment.
The point here is that while many promote marriage as the “gold standard” for what ails American families, keep in mind that ANYONE of legal age can marry. On the other hand, I think we need to be putting more of an emphasis on building COMMITTED relationships which is something that requires lots of hard work and emotional maturity and can happen WITHOUT marriage, as evidenced by the Swedes.
Yes, let’s keep pushing for changes that range from city initiatives by the clergy to educate couples before marrying, to changes in tax laws or to elimination of no-fault divorce. At the same time, let’s work to develop a productive response to the millions of cohabiting couples who are far too often judged, condemned and ignored by society.
I think we must “re-invent” and raise our expectations of cohabitation, and our attitudes toward those who decide to live together. There is a commonly held myth that marriage means you will “live happily ever-after.” However, there is no similar assumption of cohabitation other than “it won’t last” which helps create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It’s time to take a serious and non-judgmental look at cohabitating couples of all ages and help them strengthen and sustain their relationship whether they ever plan to marry. Let’s consider finding a new approach to this reality.
Goodness, things are muddled. I don't think this is a point on which someone could be persuaded if they aren't concerned with pleasing the Lord. If you don't have a relationship with someone – including God – you don't care what they think.
But God has a story and plan for everyone. If you don't really know what this is all about, look to Love the Person (Jesus), check Him out before getting all caught up in this. The relationship God offers is a picture – THE picture – of marriage: an offering to you of Himself. You don't have to be scared of it ending because of a fight or hurting or being hurt. Like a best friend. The best friend.
I simply don't understand how living together without a formal commitment is "easier" than divorce. My husband and I went down to the county courthouse two weeks before our Christian wedding celebration. We signed papers and then met the clerk in the ceremony room. She gave a brief statement about the importance of commitment and marriage before we said our vows. It was sentimental, personal and wonderful. And guess what, it took a total of 20 minutes from the time we entered until we left and was cheaper than a night out to the movies. Before that day we kidded that it was our "fake" marriage, but my husband teared up as he said his vows and it was clear as we said our I Do's that this was so special. For us it was about taking on the responsibility to put another person first.
With regard to "limited options," I'll admit that it totally stinks being a grad student (which I was at the time I got married) and not having to two nickels to rub together. I have a few friends from grad school who live with their boyfriends because of this very situation. But the truth is that they could live with friends just as easily. If your boyfriend wants to live with you he can "put a ring on it" – silver, gold, plastic, with or sans diamonds.
AMEN!!!!
Powerful and wonderfully said.
Bianca! Hey girl Heeeeeey :D,
I have been following Jasmine's blog for two years now, which is great by the way; it's changed me! Well, except for the fact that looking at pictures of people getting married makes me want to have a panic attack, throw up, or suffocate– something violent and unnatural X). Seriously. (And it's usually tears mixed with nausea because your sister's art is so beautiful that I cry!) Ugh, it's just the…. COMMITMENT. I mean DUDE! IT'S BEFORE GOD. :O. I am apart of the 20 somethings that are scared to death to commit to one person for the rest of my life. I am a generation of ADHD, commitment-phobe, hipsters who freak when we have to sign a two contract with AT&T for our I-phones. "Ummm two WHOLE years?? What if six months in I decide I want a Droid?"
Cell phones aside, the amount of anxiety I experience when even just confronted with PICTURES of marriage, is insane. It's not that I've never seen a good marriage, my parents have been married for thirty years. In fact, EVERYONE on BOTH sides of my family have never been divorced, like all twenty couples. Living in small town Ohio, about 75+% of my friends from high school are engaged, married or even have babies. None of that appeals to me right now, and I honestly it might never.
Allow me to sound like a selfish prick for a moment (but I will because it's honest and true), but I hate the thought of something limiting MY freedom. I like options– and not just in dating (which I have to say I like quite a lot!). I like the ability to pick up and travel to Europe, NO Spain, NO Hawaii, tomorrow without having to consider anyone else. I want to be a CEO. I want to start my own company. I want a six entrees for $20 at Applebee's so I can try them all. I want to not commit. But don't hold me to that.
That being said, what I want most is God. I want His delicious will for my life. And maybe someday… after I've lived on my own for the next ten years, and when hearing the wedding march doesn't make me hyperventilate, I'm pretty sure God's will does includes marriage to a STELLAR, SMOKING HOT guy. With great hair. Because though my friends, parents, and I would consider myself to be a pretty unselfish gal, I need to learn a level of unselfishness that could only happen if I tied myself to another human being (or Diety, and the whole Nun habit might not suit my coloring X)) for the rest of my life, so I can better serve God in loving His people. Also, my heart is overwhelmed with a Love that is too strong to be my own, or human and honestly, it's actually painful to have so much inside; I'm like a balloon with too much helium. …. So Love will spill out of my heart and into a man that God has ordained for me. And then hopefully, our two hearts will be able to do what my single heart can't– hold more of the hundred zillionth of the Love of God that He has for people. And I will find a new freedom in my husband and the things he allows me to do and we will travel to Italy, NO Australia, using four hands instead of two, to spill the Love of God out onto His children.
What you just wrote is exactly 100% how I feel too! It is so comforting to know there are other ladies who feel this way too!!! <3
I want to live my life for me, enjoy my freedom, and establish myself. You know, be selfish in that not selfish way ;] This is the time to live my life for me and I don' t want to be held back, tied down, or stuck from doing what I want to do. Until then I have my three personal goals I would like to accomplish before I commit to anyone:
(1. Graduating college, check! 2. Established in Chosen Career -in process 3.Become financially independent – in process)
I of course would like to eventually settle down with the awesome guy God does have in store for me so we can share our fun adventures together. Until then or never I can keep myself occupied with career, projects, ideas, adventures, travel, my relationship with God… I pretty much straight up quit dating because if I or the guy was insincere what was the point? I didn't want to lead others on or hurt others and I don't want to be lead on or hurt. I can use my time more effectively as a single focused on my goals. And you know what? This time of my life never been happier or accomplished as much!
This video addresses the question of "Isn't marriage just a piece of paper?" http://www.twoofus.org/educational-content/videos…
Marriage is beneficial for society. Good marriages bring a pattern of low crime, drug and abuse rates. High-performing schools usually are made up of children that grow up in two-parent homes whereas schools in low-performing areas have many children who come from single-parent or cohabitating homes. Children who grow up in homes with a single parent who keeps bringing home several cohabiting partners are more likely to face child abuse. A woman is more likely to experience failure in her relationships if she keeps repeating a pattern of cohabitating with several men. Married people are happier with life in general, children of married couples are less likely have problems that children of single parents face (it doesn't mean that they're doomed to failure but they have unique challenges) and are better off financially. Living together doesn't guarantee anything, especially if you're thinking that this arrangement could lead to marriage. Unfortunatly I've seen that living together proves to be a convience for guys and a fantasy for the girls.
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C.S. Lewis brought up a point in his book, "Mere Christianity": Why should non-Christian marriages be held to Christian standards of marriage? He likens Christian marriage imposed on non-Christians similar to another religion’s ideal of marriage if it were to be the norm socially imposed upon us.
BTW "Mere Christianity" is an awesome book everyone should read at least once. It can be read online here for free: http://bit.ly/4TMzTb
I’ll copy and paste the paragraph below:
“Before leaving the question of divorce, I should like to distinguish two things which are very often confused. The Christian conception of marriage is one: the other is the quite different question-now far Christians, if they are voters or Members of Parliament, ought to try to force their views of marriage on the rest of the community by embodying them in the divorce laws. A great many people seem to think that if you are a Christian yourself you should try to make divorce difficult for every one. I do not think that. At least I know I should be very angry if the Mohammedans tried to prevent the rest of us from drinking wine. My own view is that the Churches should frankly recognise that the majority of the British people are not Christians and, therefore, cannot be expected to live Christian lives. There ought to be two distinct kinds of marriage: one governed by the State with rules enforced on all citizens, the other governed by the Church with rules enforced by her on her own members. The distinction ought to be quite sharp, so that a man knows which couples are married in a Christian sense and which are not.”
“Before we consider this modern view in its relation to chastity, we must not forget to consider it in relation to another virtue, namely justice. Justice, as I said before, includes the keeping of promises. Now everyone who has been married in a church has made a public, solemn promise to stick to his (or her) partner till death. The duty of keeping that promise has no special connection with sexual morality: it is in the same position as any other promise…
…To this someone may reply that he regarded the promise made in church as a mere formality and never intended to keep it. Whom, then, was he trying to deceive when he made it? God? That was really very unwise. Himself? That was not very much wiser. The bride, or bridegroom, or the "in-laws"? That was treacherous. Most often, I think, the couple (or one of them) hoped to deceive the public. They wanted the respectability that is attached to marriage without intending to pay the price: that is, they were imposters, they cheated. If they are still contented cheats, I have nothing to say to them: who would urge the high and hard duty of chastity on people who have not yet wished to be merely honest? If they have now come to their senses and want to be honest, their promise, already made, constrains them. And this, you will see, comes under the heading of justice, not that of chastity. If people do not believe in permanent marriage, it is perhaps better that they should live together unmarried than that they should make vows they do not mean to keep. It is true that by living together without marriage they will be guilty (in Christian eyes) of fornication. But one fault is not mended by adding another: unchastity is not improved by adding perjury.
The idea that "being in love" is the only reason for remaining married really leaves no room for marriage as a contract or promise at all. If love is the whole thing, then the promise can add nothing; and if it adds nothing, then it should not be made…
…A promise must be about things that I can do, about actions: no one can promise to go on feeling in a certain way. He might as well promise never to have a headache or always to feel hungry. But what, it may be asked, is the use of keeping two people together if they are no longer in love? There are several sound, social reasons; to provide a home for their children, to protect the woman (who has probably sacrificed or damaged her own career by getting married) from being dropped whenever the man is tired of her. But there is also another reason of which I am very sure, though I find it a little hard to explain.” – C.S. Lewis, "Mere Christianity" (Chapter 6: Christian Marriage)
“Finally, though I have had to speak at some length about sex, I want to make it as clear as I possibly can that the center of Christian morality is not here. If anyone thinks that Christians regard unchastity as the supreme vice, he is quite wrong. The sins of the flesh are bad, but they are the least bad of all sins. All the worst pleasures are purely spiritual: the pleasure of putting other people in the wrong, of bossing and patronising and spoiling sport, and back-biting; the pleasures of power, of hatred. For there are two things inside me, competing with the human self which I must try to become. They are the Animal self, and the Diabolical self. The Diabolical self is the worse of the two. That is why a cold, self-righteous prig who goes regularly to church may be far nearer to hell than a prostitute. But, of course, it is better to be neither.” – C.S. Lewis, "Mere Christianity" (Chapter 5: Sexual Morality)
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