The din and chatter of singles seeking significant others, waiting for the proverbially One, and kissing dating goodbye is deafening. People talk about singleness like it’s disease, or worse, like it’s a death sentence. Both married and non-married people don’t know what dating, courting, or dourting should look like.
But who’s to blame?
We encourage people to abstain from sexual relationships, but they’re mocked for being like Steve Carell in The 40 Year Old Virgin. We laugh at people who save themselves for marriage, or—as in this case—fear we are going to be the brunt of jokes revolving about chewing each other’s faces off.
What do healthy relationships look like? Who is doing it well?
[Side note: I can’t speak about marriage because, really, I’ve been married for like five minutes. It’s disconcerting to me when newlyweds instruct singles on matters like how to be a good wife or what submission and sacrifice look like after being married for two months. Really? Asking me to give advice on marriage is like asking Biggie Smalls how to diet.]
The kissing virgins were tragically and comically ridiculed [honestly, I died laughing after watching this clip]. However, I was convicted about laughing at an institution I believe in and adhere to. I was the 30 year-old virgin when I met Matt so laughing at this couple while awkwardly eating their faces was an affront to the very principle I held on to.
People would ask about our compatibility and chemistry and worry that I might be doomed to a life of awkward kisses and bad sex. But our view of God is incredibly small if we think we will be punished for making biblical choices, adhering to wisdom, choosing to wait for the intimacy God desires for the one person you spend your life with.
How do we redeem relationships? How do we paint a healthy, whole, and happy picture of what marriage and waiting and abstaining looks like?
If you’re single, what is your biggest concern in dating, waiting, and abstaining? If your married, what advice can you give to those who want a real and healthy picture of marriage?
Biggest concern? That waiting has caused me to idealise the relationship, marriage……… That it has made me my own worst enemy. That it will be too much pressure to survive
Thank you for your honesty, Suzanne. But the fact that you can identify your fear is a step in the right direction. And yes, there’s heaps of pressure to survive and thrive in marriage. But one of the beauties I’ve realized in marriage is that messy is real. And in the mess, we find ourselves while clinging to each other.
I said I wasn’t going to give advice. And I’m not. I’m just affirming your insight. 😉
Heyy Bianca! My name is Bianca haha that’s sounds weird!! But anyways I tried emailing you but the blog wouldn’t let me///: but if you could get back to me I had some questions for you! My email is BiancaEscobar44@gmail.com
if you can’t I completely understand! Have a wonderful day!
What if you’re getting married for the second time and you’ve already fallen into not waiting for marriage? How do you get out of that?
Great question! I can’t speak from experience, but I can reiterate what Pastor Mike Erre says: “God is the God of second chances. He makes all things new. He can take the old and re-cycle it into anything He deems usable. Do you think He won’t do that for you?”
As someone who married a man who was married before, there’s always repercussions and effects to work through. However, if both parties are willing to cling to the new creation God called redeemed, then it’s all good. Just my two cents. 😉
Bianca, I know God is willing. the problem lies within me. I know that I want to continue doing what I’m not suppose to. Yes that sounds horrible I know. But its the truth. I just keep telling myself that I’ve sinned on so many occasions, how can I try one more time when I know that I wont follow through with it.
I have to admit that I laughed hard at that video. I live in a rural midwest town. My grandparents were married at 16. My parents were married at 20. My siblings were married by 23. As I’m knocking on the door of 32, I’ve been thinking about this question a lot.
I’ve made good decisions, and quite frankly, in a few years the 40 Year Old Virgin may be about me. Fortunately my friends won’t be like the movie 🙂
My biggest concern? Settling. The older I get the fewer available men there are. And add to that finding a man that loves Jesus AND has a job? Virtually nonexistent around here.
So that’s been my focus this last year. Don’t settle. A few pounds heavier than I should be? Don’t settle for ok. Go for great. He sort of loves Jesus. Don’t settle for sort of. Wait for God’s best. It will be worth it in every aspect of my life.
ps sorry for the book 😉
Julie:
You spoke to my heart. Thank you.
Hugs,
Cindy A.
This is exactly what my concern is. As I recently turned 30, I am one on the older end of the single 20 and 30 somethings in my church. There is also a smaller group of single men to “choose from” if you will and I’m shy so I’m not good at meeting new people outside of my group, which is probably one of the things I should do.
Another concern of mine is that as the older I get, I don’t want to get “stuck in my ways.” Oy. That is frightening because I don’t want to be so rigid in my list of characteristics of a “perfect husband” that I miss the forest for the trees. Yes, I’d love to meet a man who already has a relationship with Jesus but what if he isn’t saved already? I’ve seen what happens when you reject a potential boyfriend/husband because he isn’t saved yet – the relationship obviously goes nowhere and he doesn’t get to see Jesus through you.
Sorry for another book!
Julie, Thank you so much for sharing. You also spoke to my heart! I’ve also had trouble trying to find the “right” man. To be quite honest I almost settled but glad I didn’t. It is hard the older we get. I wish you luck! God Bless!
I think the hardest thing about being single and having absolutely no relationship experience is trusting God, that he has your significant other out there. Also trying to not be concerned with finding him in your own timing ( aka not doing Gods will for him) that’s something I really struggle with
Biggest concern for me is wondering if you’re even going know how to do those thing when they come. I have always said I won’t kiss a guy till my wedding day and people always tell me that’s impossible with the pressure of everyone looking at you…you have to practice before you do in front of hundreds of people.
What scares me the most as a woman who has been permanently single and kiss-less my entire life is that I have this incredibly idealized view of love and relationships and what I “think” love should be (especially from biblical standards) but that I’ll be disappointed in it all. I’m scared that once I do find someone (prayerfully the ONE I’ve waited for) I’ll be too afraid of being vulnerable in EVERY way since being single and independent is all I’ve ever known.
I am a divorced woman and find that my biggest hurdle is loneliness.
On Monday God spoke to me on this subject. I’ve lost his eloquence, but to paraphrase, He said that people tend to chase sexual relationships because they are seeking a connection to the Source, when the reality is we should be chasing the connection to the Source in the first place.
Our God is so wise!
So, in light of my lonely feelings I’ve made a commitment to work on patience. God is worth it.
I’m with Kayla on the independence thing. The older my friends and I get and remain unmarried, the more set in our ways we become. We laugh about how it’s good none of us have roommates because we don’t like living with someone else. I like living alone most of the time, I have a routine I stick to, I have very much gotten used to my time being my own. I am open to and desire marriage….I’m just afraid I won’t know how to compromise or fit another person into my life……maybe that’s why I’m still single…who the heck knows. 🙂
Replace “unmarried” with “introvert”, and that’s me in a nutshell. I’m married with a child, and I find it hard to make it all work…How to balance my husband’s and daughter’s needs with my own. (And everybody knows that introverts need their alone time or else they burn out.) I was 31–and very set in my ways–when I got married (almost three years ago). I’m definitely still adjusting, especially since we had a baby just over a year after we got married. 🙂
Ok, that video is hilarious! Sadly is reminds me of my first kiss! AH! Well, half of my first kiss. I was like, what is this guy doing? Yuck! Ugh. Still makes me laugh with embarrassment some 15 years later!
My thoughts if you are waiting to be married before you kiss is to talk about what kind of kiss you’ll do. I’d suggest, soft, CLOSED mouth, NO tongue. This comes from watching a first kiss at the alter go wrong. The bride was a bit taken back.
Personally, I’d rather not have a first kiss at the alter. Obviously, I never “saved the first kiss” so I didn’t have the choice. But my thought is this: Do you really want to share this rather intimate experience infront of your parents? I also have a friends that (althought they were not “kissing virgins”) chose to just kiss on the cheek. That was also awkward to watch because HELLO, the priest clearly said, “You may now KISS the bride.”
A realistic view of marriage? It is wonderful. Every day that you work at it. Not a coincidence.
Can you say awkward? LOL. I do have to say I admire their discipline and willingness to save their first kiss and themselves for marriage. I wish I had both times. My first marriage, I was unequally yoked. How I wish I wasn’t a prodigal doing things my way. I now have a 17 year old who is up to his eyeballs in the world. Sin is so enticing to him. His dad and I never saw eye-to-eye on HOW to raise him, and now he sees the “fun” of sin. I see how my disobedience has taken its toll. Fast forward to today. I have been married 10 years to an awesome godly man. Although our beginning began in disobedience, God has been very gracious. I think had we not kissed, we wouldn’t have fallen. Kissing awakens passions that can quickly ignite and burn uncontrollably. Why play with fire anyway?
I’ve been on both sides. I was a single mom wanting the “hook up”. Wait on the Lord. I can’t stress that enough. Your moment of settling will hold consequences not only for you, but for any children that come out of your moments of compromise. There is nothing more painful to have a child who was raised in the Lord, and wants no part of Him. Wait! Sit at Hos feet! Wait! And find out who you are without having a significant other.
Wow! Thanks for your honest opinion and experience. Thanks for sharing, Carolyn!
What you said really got to me. I’ve compromised and yes sin can be very enticing. I feel as though I’ve fallen into sin oh so many times how can I possibly go back and try again. What you said about your children caused me to feel concerned about mine. I’m sure that you want what is best for your children as do I. I need to learn how to let go and let God. Please pray for me.
I’m not looking for anyone and I am content to be single. I’m in my late 30s and have already been married before so I’m just enjoying my singleness and how to use it to serve God. I think the Church can do a better job of embracing singles instead of pushing them to get married. The most annoying thing is when someone at Church wants to play match maker and set me up with a woman. Believe it or not there are happy singles that are okay not being married.
I feel that such an important aspect of single life, and life in general, is truly trying to realize the fullness of who God wants you to be. I truly believe that as man and wife, you are meant to be Christ for each other and as a single, I want to come to a fuller realization of what the love of God means and how I can be that for another. My prayers lately have just been for God to help me understand more fully his love, this messy but beautiful love. I agree with what’s been said, it’s so much about waiting and giving your heart to God..as hard as that can be sometimes, we just have to trust that God has a plan 🙂
“But our view of God is incredibly small if we think we will be punished for making biblical choices…”
Wow. Way to bring it back to remembering why we’re choosing to live this life! I definitely want to get married sooner rather than later though 95% of the time I’m so content at where He has me at this point in time. One of my biggest worries is that as time goes by, I am growing to be more and more independent and becoming one with another person is going to be hard!
Can I just say – I am loving these comments. It is so nice to know I’m not alone in this and that there are others going through the same struggles/concerns.
I agree!!!
As a single man, my biggest concern about dating, waiting, and abstaining is meeting a woman who is also waiting and abstaining. It seems like every single woman I have met through church is sexually active.
It is almost as if sex has become a part of the Christian dating scene. Every Christian dating site, book, or what have you says that waiting until marriage is “unrealistic”. I have been attacked on sites/blogs by women because I say it is not “unrealistic” or “impossible”.
I made up my mind before I even started dating and have not deviated from the course that God has for me on this subject. I have dated some very beautiful woman (models and professional cheerleaders) and it was me that ultimately ended things because they did not measure up (morally) to my standards.
Am I concerned that I will never marry? Yes, however if that is God’s plan for my life then I am fine with it. I am good with who I am.
Society seems more concerned with the fact that I am nearly 32 and not married. Some people seem to think that because I did not get married right out of college or soon after that there is something wrong with me. The truth is that I do not care.
People think that because of my age that I am constantly looking for someone to marry. It is just not so. I am more concerned with making sure that all my bills are paid on time than I am with finding a wife. My bills are auto-pay, so I am never late on a payment.
My marital status does not define me. What people think of me because I am single does not define me. What my Lord and Savior thinks of me is all that matters. Am I being the hands and feet of Christ to a dying and lost world… That defines me.
this is awesome, and it’s really encouraging to hear from a male perspective! I, too, find myself surprised by just how much sexuality has become part off Christian culture for unmarried adults.
thank you for sharing 🙂
Such an interesting topic, and one that has come up quite often in recent conversations. It’s funny though. I used to be embarrassed about waiting. I have a ton of Christian friends, but more non-christian ones, so I’m a hot commodity in my circle. The fact that I’m still a virgin baffles some of my friends minds, while others don’t even know that about me. It’s not that I’m embarrassed to tell them, it’s just one of those things you don’t go screaming from the rooftops, nor does it come up in normal conversation. “Hey world, look at me, I’m 26 and I’m still a virgin.” HA. However, when it does come to surface, the questions is always why? If I’m being truthful, I sometimes don’t have a good answer, because at times I’m not even convinced that this is such a good idea. I remember having an awkward conversation with my Gynecologist once, who was literally flabbergasted when I told him that I was still a virgin. He actually repeated the question and made sure I understood what he was asking. “Yep, still a virgin” I said, thinking he would condone my healthy choice. However, he proceeded to encourage to, and ask me to promise him that I would “take the car out before a test drive before I bought it”. I remember sitting there absolutely stunned. Not only did he disagree with my choice, but he was urging me to change my mind. Obviously, this got me thinking…am I crazy for waiting? In a world where my choice is an unlikely one, rare really, am I just totally out to lunch? After waiting all this time, will it just be a cruel joke to find out that my future husband and I have the worst sex? Because, in the words and experience of some of my friends, there are people that they have just had really terrible sex with and they are thankful for ‘dodging that bullet’. So, is my idealistic view that Mr. Right, will be everything I’ve dreamed him up to be, even in bed, actually an unrealistic one?
“But our view of God is incredibly small if we think we will be punished for making biblical choices, adhering to wisdom, choosing to wait for the intimacy God desires for the one person you spend your life with.”
BOOM….yup, that’s what I needed to be reminded of. You speak the truth sista! Now, if I could only have told my Dr that, I wonder what his response would have been….? 😉
Thanks, Bianca! Your honesty, openness and wisdom are refreshing to my ever wandering soul.
Wow, this is pretty much me in a nutshell! thanks for sharing your post – I’m glad I’m not the only one 🙂
You are amazing! A friend linked me to your website, and I was so thrilled because I’ve been following your sister, Jasmine, for a few years now! What a surprise to find you, with your huge heart for our Father!!!
Thank you so much for writing- it encourages me so much! I’m trying to catch up on your life, but seems God’s got you doing some pretty incredible things!
Just last week God gave me a picture of who my future husband will be, and I’ll let you know, the wait will be worth it. Although I may be single for a long time until I find him, I know wasting myself on someone else is so not worth it.
Thanks for posting! Blessings!
Ok so that was one awkward kiss and I just winced and said oh oh oh oh aaaahhhh. Then my husband says it’s ok, they’ll get the hang of it. Bianca, I’m with you on the whole thing about being married for like 5 minutes. It was during our pre-marital counseling (which was super awesome and SUPER hard because I actually had to talk about my feelings and be open) that both Mark and I learned that we had to be realistic about our expectations about marriage. Despite our different cultures, how we were raised, habits, personality differences (he’s the introvert to the max and I’m the very loud extrovert), the list can go on, we both know that God is our guide and from His word we learn to love, serve, and forgive one another. We are still learning our communication styles and love languages and I think that we will be doing that for the rest of our married lives. Marriage is HARD and such a BEAUTiFUL blessing at the same time. I’ve learned a lot about myself, I’m learning how to deal with my anxiety disorder thanks to the support of my husband which is something I used to hide from the world, I’m still and forever will be learning how to serve my husband. We were both 30 when we got married. Pre marital really helped us to bring out our extra baggage to the table and discuss all of that. It was way neat and way hard. We are going on almost 1 year (april 2nd) and still adjusting to married life, schedules, church, college (for me), friends, alone time (he needs it more than I do), life groups, and so on. Marriage is most definitely an adventure and I ‘m glad that God provided my awesome geeky husband. I hope this helps someone =) I know i wrote a lot and hope I don’t scare anyone!
A very naive simplistic view to the “loss” of one’s virginity. The portions of the bible which I’ve read illustrate the loss of one’s virginity prior to marriage for a very practical reason: In biblical times, people married at the age of like 14 and 15 and losing one’s virginity prior to that would have been harmful to a little body that was still developing. Modern times we live in have people marrying well into their 40’s for their first marriage so to ask people to abstain from about 13 (when the hormones start flickering about) till they’re 40 is like asking people to abstain from consuming food. As others have mentioned, waiting till you’re married to “the one” sets you up for really high expectations that no mortal man will ever be able to meet, nor you will meet his expectations, if you’re marrying a virgin. Part of getting to know a potential life partner is also getting to know them physically; this all a part of the courting. This doesn’t mean you end up sleeping with every Tom, Dick and Harry.
I’m a 36 year old woman who grew up in the same type church that Bianca grew up in and the puritanical, guilt inducing beliefs that these organisations set upon the believers is akin to abuse.
Abstinence may be for some people but certainly not for everyone and I think it really harmful to the general populous to make them feel guilty and dirty for doing something that is wonderful and satisfying.
I don’t believe in raising a flag and showing off how many lovers I’ve had and how great (or not) it was with them, nor should abstaining virgins fly their flag stating how better it is abstaining. Everyone’s circumstances are different and really, sex isn’t that big of a deal to put so much on it.
Oh dear 🙁
I’m almost 24 and single. my biggest concern? that I’ll give up waiting for God’s timing and that I’ll miss him because i’m too afraid to make a mistake.
when I look around I see very few men who meet my expectations, which discourages me. but I always tell myself I only need one good match, that’s enough. 🙂
i married at age 31 and was a virgin. my husband was also. i remember a former boss knowing the environment i was brought up in and the fact that i graduated from a christian college (as if that makes someone righteous?) interested him. a co-worker known for sleeping around walked in his office one day and my boss asked, “what would you think if you met a girl who was 28 and still a virgin?” laughing he replied, she’s probably quite ugly… (he looked at me sitting there and paused a moment) or maybe… just picky?
at 44 i am now concerned about bringing up my children with the same beliefs that our marriage is built upon. it’s hard when you see christians that think the bible is outdated in social areas.