But most other times, I say what I mean and mean what I say.
Yesterday was one such time. I tweeted this:
If a man ain’t job a job, ain’t got any goals, and ain’t got a future, he ain’t the one for you. Marriage is for men, not boys.
Oh mercy! What did I do?! Oh that’s right! I spoke the TRUTH.
But sometimes the truth doesn’t want to be accepted. I’m sorry in advance for hurting people’s feelings, but I’m not sorry for speaking out what needs to be said. I’m tired of seeing girls settle for some guy who doesn’t have a job, doesn’t love Jesus, and doesn’t want to give up wearing Superman pajamas or getting fed by his mother.
Women were overwhelmingly supportive of the statement. The men—however—had their fair share of things to say about it.
- That’s sexist.
- Men, don’t listen to a woman who uses the word ain’t.
- Wouldn’t you be offended if someone said that about you?
- You’re brilliant at giving advice in the current economic climate!
- You should fight sexist double standards!
- What if I have two out of the three, but I don’t have a job. Am I out?
I know there are times of unemployment, life-change, and deep valleys of insecurities and I’m very sensitive to that. I know there are unforeseen circumstances or sickness or debt that make our dreams or employment just that: dreams. And of course there is grace in those areas; I’m not castigating or belittling men. I am, however, asking women to choose wisely.
If a man chooses live in his mother’s basement to “train and practice” Lord of War video games because he wants to be a professional gamer and a job will take him away from his dream, we might have a problem. If a man wants to persue a video gaming dream while simultaneously maintaining job, healthy relationships, and devotion to God, it’s different.
I’m not throwing stones, I’m shouting caution. When the American landscape of marriage is marred by 50% failure, we have a problem! It has less to do with wagging a finger at men and more to do with informing women that marriage is for grownups. If you a marry a child at the altar, don’t think you’ll make him into a man.
And to assuage any questions about my gender equality in dating relationships, I believe the same is true for women. See, I’m totally fair! 😉
Stones, comments, and opinions allowed,
B
Amen!!
And I agree that the same is true for women as for men. Trust me when I say I have seen myself and my friends – both women AND men – get involved with the wrong someone. In the last few weeks I've even seen in myself the cycle of making the wrong choice and I am making the conscious decision to stop the madness!
Thanks for keeping it real Bianca 🙂
Funny, when I read that yesterday, I assumed you had just given some decent advice to a friend. Maybe harsh (maaaybe), but it's the advice I give to any friend thinking about getting serious with a guy. I mean, c'mon now. And we all know it goes both ways.
i have 4 younger sisters and i actually forwarded your tweet right on to them; it needs to be said!! we women arent perfect, but you summed up one of the biggest problems in relationships in 140 characters 🙂 we, as a family, have been talking about this issue a LOT lately and my sisters struggle when they see their girlfriends making compromises of their beliefs, opinions and selves, hoping that in doing so first, theyll be able to turn the boy into the man he should be. its so sad to watch and needs to be talked about more! so thank you for bringing it up, keep on keeping it real b!
I think it goes both ways. Men shouldn't be marrying a women that doesn't know how to keep a home and doesn't work. It goes both ways. If women want a good husband then they better be worthy of it and sitting at home overeating, sleeping and spending money all day is not worthy of a hard working focused man.
I'm just sayin….
I'm surprised people found your Twitter comment on men and marriage offensive because you did speak the truth in love, tough love!
Elle, two comments up- you are 100% right.
You should never require something of someone you’re not wiling to give yourself. You can’t say have a job, work 40 hour week, stay in shape, always be honest… If YOU stay at home doing nothing all day, aren’t honest, don’t take of YOURself, etc.
If men must be men, a woman must be a woman.
I
Preach, girl. I can't emphasize enough the blindness of women in this area. We are made to see and believe the best about our men, even bring it out of him in some cases, but we too often apply that gift in the WRONG situations! I teach and counsel college students. You know how often I cover this information! : )
Bianca, so proud of your loving but firm rebuttal. You are right on the money and I think those who had complaints secretly know that too 🙂
So as I tweeted in response to yesterday's tweet…"Werrrrrrrrd"
Truth isn't sexy. The more we try to dress it up, the less it becomes total truth. Keep on writing it, and if we ever get a chance to meet, I hope that you'll speak it, too!
As a man, I took no offensive from that. In fact, I had not checked Twitter yesterday when a male friend of mine posted it, in support, to facebook.
Amen, sista! 🙂
I agree with Elle and the statement you made is for men and women. God spared me from almost marrying a jerk. His mom picked out my wedding dress and was choosing the city we would buy our house in. RED FlAGs or what? I broke it off and he married 5 months later and is now divorced.
God brought me a godly man who adores me. He has a job, loves the Lord and we are like day and night to some people but we are going on 6 years strong. Its been very hard at times but his commitment to God has helped him from giving me a serious beating (I could be a brat)…anyhow, I agree that marriage is for grown ups.
The only problem I have with the tweet is about goals and dreams. I believe any man worth his salt needs to work and that includes those in the ministry. If we are to serve Christ and put him above everything then our goals and dreams as christians will be different and in stark contrast to those in the world. Remember, we are not suppose to strive for the things of this world. Many men work at jobs where there is a salary ceiling and to all of a sudden try to reinvent yourself to pursue some dream may not be wise (the bible even speaks on this, can't find where right now). Men and women need to learn to be content with whatever station of life they are in. It's not about the big salaries, the high ranking positions or getting your dream job. None of that stuff may ever happen, but as long as you do an honest days work and provide for your family you will be fine.
Paul wanted to visit the church Rome, David wanted to build a house for God, and Peter wanted to reveal Jesus to the Jews. All of these man had godly purpose, and I think that's what men lack these days: the understanding of the invaluable purpose God has given them. Job, dreams and goals are a good checkpoint:)
That purpose is really to follow the great comission that Jesus gave us, to proclaim the gospel to all the world. God may not want me to make a lot of money but he does want to spread his word and make disciples of all nations.
Is this the masked superstar from the Bachelorette? If so, that would be so cool!
Let me clarify something: I didn't say you had to be a brain surgeon. I just said they should have a job. There's a difference.
If a man can't take care of his own needs, how will he take care of his familial needs? My husband and I are not rich. We live in an apartment, drive Asian made cars, and I use coupons. But he's man enough to create budgets, dream for our family, and work hard to ensure we're provided for. Every woman should look for those values.
I'm not advocating for women to be gold-diggers. I'm advocating for wisdom.
The Unmasked Commentor,
Bianca
A few weeks ago I found out that a guy who seemed to be so godly, was only after sex. This shattered me. It left me thinking that no guy is worth going anywhere near because the inevitability is that their intentions are corrupt. Now, I need to take responsibility for being an idiot and not realizing sooner that he wasn't as godly as the mask he put on – but the fact remains that so many guys are wearing a mask of godliness that hides something totally different if we care to scratch beneath.
And the same is true about us women.
I want to use my time being single to get wrapped up in who God is and let him change me and shape me so that one day I'll be the wife of a man who is godly and loving – because he spent his single years doing exactly the same thing as I endeavour to do.
…or am I being too picky?
If he don't have a job and lives with mommy.. RED FLAG!
Here’s a challenge for you my creative coworker, 7 years ago, I had all three… Plus loving Jesus… And yet, was presented with a divorce.
Amen Amen Amen!
I agree with everything you said!
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