David Letterman spawned my insane love of top ten lists. I make them for virtually anything. If I’m in love with something, I make a top ten list of why I should take it behind the school and make out with it. If I’m annoyed with a conversation, I make a top ten list of why I should take up residence in a hermit colony.

This—of course—only happens in my head. Welcome to my head.

In honor of Father’s Day, I made a list as to the top ten reasons why my dad is quite possibly the best dad in the whole WORLD.

10. My dad could make an entire five-course meal with olives, baking soda, jerky. He’s the Chuck Norris of the kitchen.

9. My dad once beat a druggie who broke into our backyard when we lived in the ‘hood with nothing more than a 2×4 plank of wood, ghetto-Jackie-Chan-style .

8. My dad gave an alter call on the shores of Puerto Vallarta, Mexico by standing up and telling people, You drunks, and druggies, and hypes, and wife-beaters, and hustlers, and haters need to know that Jesus loves you. He loves you just the way you are. Come to Jesus! 800 people accepted Christ as their savior. He’s the Billy Graham of Puerto Vallarta.

7. My dad saved my little sister’s life by grabbing her by the throat and snapping the lodged item in her esophagus instead of the Heimlich maneuver. Proper medical training is for schmucks, right dad?

6. My dad likes his food so spicy, he can use pepper spray as a condiment. And not ask for water.

5. My dad can push-start a car and push the car simultaneously with a 1.5 second turnover. I’ve seen him do it. Macgyver ain’t got nothing on him!

4. My dad can make a dollar out of fifteen cents. He’s the one who gave 2Pac the idea.

3. My dad is the only illegal immigrant to this country who can properly use morass, sinecure, and antediluvian in one sentence properly. Ben Stein, who?

2. My dad shaved his head when he started balding. He wouldn’t let hair win the battle.

1. My dad has taught me to let pain have a purpose, to let God be in control, and to let all of my actions to be guided and led by love.

Happy Father’s day to my one and only daddy!