Let’s face it. We’re a bunch of people who want to do life well. So whether it’s dating or marriage or college or kid-raising, we could all use a few pointers, including especially myself.
The conversation about dating and relationships will continue inevitably in the blogosphere, church, and around dining room tables, but I wanted to include some words on the season of singleness with life, hope, and a focus on thriving in every season.
My friend Jared from church needed someone to share their testimony or story about being single and surviving. To my [non]surprise, he couldn’t find anyone to talk about the subject with authority. [I mean really, who wants to get labeled the 40 year-old virgin and stand in front of 500 people admitting they are waiting for God’s best?]
That’s where I come in!
Around the age of 25 when most Hispanic women are already married off with children, I was in graduate school. I was serving in full-time ministry in an unpaid position in youth ministry, when most people were encouraging me to find a singles group. And I was consciously aware that I could end up a BitterBetty because most single women I spoke to complained incessantly about the lack of spiritual leaders in the church.
I had to decision to make.
- I could sit on my spiritual laurels and wish, hope, and pray for Prince Charming to read me Songs of Solomon and refer to me as bone of my bone.
- I could put my head down, do some work, and keep my eyes open for a Godly man who is doing the same.
Some of the best memories and moments in life were not on the arm of a man, but reaching for the hand of the One who knew me far greater than anyone else. Of course looking back on my singleness is easier than being in it, but I will say perspective changed my attitude.
Contrary to popular belief, there are worse things than not being married. Like being married to the wrong person. Or having a sixth toe. Both are tragic.
For those who are married or in dating relationships, here are some things you can do to be supportive in all seasons:
- If someone tells you they just broke up or are single, don’t wince, sigh, and say, I’ll pray for you. They don’t have a terminal disease, for crying out loud?! Instead, open your house or your calendar to make time to spend with them.
- ThreeDogNight said it best, One is the loneliness number that you’ll ever hear. If you have a single friend, be available. I know, I know, it’s hard to make time. But do it.
- If you’re single, mingle. Don’t be a hermit or spend another night watching FRIENDS with Ben and Jerry. Get out! Meet people! Have fun! Use exclamation marks!
- If you’re single, maybe it’s for a reason. Are your expectations too high? Are you mean? Are you bitter? Do you smell? Ask a married friend to be honest with you and trust them to tell you where you need to change. [Yes, ask a married person. If you ask your single friend if your expectations are too high and she says no, maybe that’s why you’re both single. Jasmine always kept it real with me, You’re single because you cRaZy!]
That’s my two cents for what it’s worth. If you’re single, what’s you reason? If you’re married, what advice can you give to those in a party of one?
Bianca;
Thanks for this post and for the suggestions for those who are single.
As I replied in an earlier post, I am 52 and still single. Years earlier I had wanted to be married with children, but God has a different plan. I have to say that I love being single because I get to spend my time devoted to God, allowing Him to transform and use me as He sees fit. My life is dedicated to Him and I am comfortable with and grateful for that. I see being single as a gift and an opportunity to encourage those who are single.
Abraham and Sarah waited years for Isaac. Moses waited 40 years in the desert before fulfilling God’s call on his life. Joseph’s trips to pits and prisons finally brought him to the dreams God had revealed to him. Instead of focusing on who or what we don’t have in our lives, we can fix our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith. We must choose to trust that God does have plans for our future (Jer 29:11) and rest in who He is and the promises He has made.
Monica
Advice? Devote your time to serving The Lord via serving others without the “distraction” as Paul calls it, of marriage and children! See if you can give a free date night to a couple by babysitting their kids. Or let a SAHM get out of the house for an hour to do errands kid-free. Investing in others’ lives enriches your own.:)
I’m single and in my late 20’s. I think the reason I’m still single is i’ve really been more focused on myself in a not so good way. Really following what the world wanted of me and not of what God wanted. Its a process but turing over eveything to him is helping me really deal with feeling lonely and a loser..esp when most your friends are married with kids. I’m making steps to get out an meet ppl and just focus on God. I know he will show me the one, even if I already know him!
My advice: punch married people in the face. JUST KIDDING!
Seriously, point two is SO critical and important…be available to us lonely folk and try not to give advice unless it’s truly warranted. Getting advice from SEEMINGLY perfect married people with perfect marriages and perfect homes with perfect children is often stuffed into “you just don’t understand” file or it makes us feel worse about ourselves!
I am not single anymore. But it wasn’t so long ago that I was and how I remember those days. I wish someone like you would have been there with wisdom like this. It’s really not that complicated, often in our rush to make things happen we make it complicated!
Bianca, I love your articles!
I’m still in my early 20s, but I have friends around me getting engaged, in serious relationships, or getting married! I’m going to a friend’s wedding in two months.
It’s easy to get caught up in thinking, well why isn’t that happening for me? What’s wrong with me? I love your point about asking someone who’s married for advice because I’ve definitely seen it among my single girlfriends who think they should be setting their standards higher. Yikes!
You have such great points that I need to look into.
You hit the nail on the head – there ARE worse things than being single, like being married to the wrong person.
While I may have been married to the wrong person for nearly six years, I struggled to keep it together – and battled depression and anxiety. At a time I thought things were going well, he left me for another woman. I’m in the middle of my divorce and some days I feel okay – others I’m feeling awful bouts of loneliness. No part of me wants to be with him, but every part of me wants love all around me and to have a replacement for the extended family which has now disowned me.
I know that with people’s advice they are trying to help. They want to be encouraging – they tell me that it won’t take me long to find someone, that I’m better off without him. Well, I definitely know I’m better without him. I’m stronger in myself, and the Lord, without him. And I need to keep working on letting God be what fills that loneliness… not another man.
But dang, that is hard.
Hi Katie, It is hard. I was married to the wrong person too and he left me for another woman. It’s heartbreaking. What helped me was an older friend from church. She was the best. She prayed with me, listened to me, helped me when I needed it. Especially when I felt that it was God’s fault for allowing a stupid union between us only to have it ripped apart with me holding our child. Having another’s perspective, prayers, and friendship really helped.
Hi Katie, It is hard. I was married to the wrong person too and our marriage dissolved when he left for someone else. What helped me was an older friend from church. She was the best. She prayed with me, listened to me, helped me when I needed it. Especially when I felt that it was God’s fault for allowing a stupid union between us only to have it ripped apart with me holding our child. Having another’s perspective, prayers, and friendship really helped.
I am single. I have been divorced since 22, now I’m 26. I suppose the main reason I’ve been single since is because I have a daughter to care for.
I never wanted to be someone that put a relationship with a man above the care of a child. And I never wanted to make the same mistake that I did before. I married the wrong man but I was also not living right in God’s eyes.
I want to marry again. And I am back in college. I am ministering to the youth weekly in my town. I am stuck in whether or not to be proactive in finding a spouse. Two ladies that I looked up to said I should pray for my potential spouse. I am not sure whether that may be #1 on your two options.
Um….I’d stand up in church and talk about being single….yes, me!!!!
But, I haven’t always been single. I lived common-law for a while before I was a Christian.
I just know it’s right for me for now. I’m comfortable with it…like my favourite sweater.
With all I’ve been through with men, I’d rather focus on God and a relationship with Him….
Great advice. Enjoyed reading this post, Bianca.
Thank you for this … a million times over, B. xo
Some are single for a season, others are single for a reason. -Raquel Rodriguez
yes, I just quoted myself. Maybe that’s why I’m single.
Hilarious!
I’m in my late twenties, living in a small town, serving in a small church, and am single. Those factors have placed me in a pretty lonely position. Everybody near my age has homes, husbands, and babies to care for, and the only male attention I get comes in the very secular realm of the university I attend. I have often found these factors pretty disheartening…and even painfully lonely. It might sound crazy, but there are moments when even joy can become a sorrow if there’s nobody to share it with. HOWEVER, I know that God put me here and that He is good. I’ve learned how precious His companionship is, and have cultivated relationships in my church body with precious brothers and sisters from the children’s ministry on up through the silver-streaked crowns of our “seasoned saints.” I can’t say that my years alone (really- think small town alone) have been easy, but I’m thankful for the time God has spent setting me aside for fellowship with just Him. That’s a precious thing.
One thing I think I am prone to overlooking is how God might use my singleness for His glory. I have not been given the gift of marriage, nor do I feel called to celibacy. So, why am I single? What can I do or surrender to make my singleness a gift of worship to my king?
April, I feel you. The only two differences in your comment and my life are I don’t “work” for a church and I’m in my early 30s. Good questions!
Being single is a huge blessing, Paul says those that are loosed should not seek to be bound