So here’s the ugly truth:
- We’re all going to die.
- It’s Tuesday.
- I’ve gained weight.
- Taxes are due in two weeks.
I’ve debated posting this because 1. it’s embarrassing and 2. it’s embarrassing. Not the dying part, nor the fact that it’s Tuesday. And honestly, Matt completed our taxes in January so that’s not really the ugly part. But I was hoping to hide the fact that I’ve gained weight in a sandwich of monotony and the mundane.
Did it work? I knew it wouldn’t, but I had to try.
I’ve battled with my weight all my life, but for the first time in a while I’ve been making good choices, eating unprocessed foods, working out, staying away from sugar, not popping any pills, and chewing each bite 72 times [I picked 72 because 7 is the number of perfection and 2 is the number of man. Yes, I’m neurotic.].
I’ve been strict. I’ve kept the rules. I’ve been diligent. And still nothing. One lady from church went as far as saying, You’re not gaining weight, you’re married and happy. And then I died.
I don’t like publicly talking about new diets or weight loss because then I’m prone to sound like Oprah every time she looses five pounds on the newest diet fad only to gain it back with the newest mac&cheese recipe in O Magazine. And the cycle continues.
But here I am feeling like I need to share this because the ugliest truth of all in this equation is that I’m not happy with the size God made me. A friend of mine [who is ripped and fit] knows my intimate struggle with weight and emailed me an encouraging note. She lauded my efforts and healthy eating, but pointed out my malcontent attitude towards this season of weight cycle. Then she dropped a bomb:
My honest gut feeling though… because most everyone I know does shed pounds eating Paleo and working out, is that God is really waiting on you to change the inside before he changes your outside. He wants so badly for you to not be so caught up and consumed with all of it, that it’s really that battle you’re fighting. I think when you learn to let go of that, the weight loss will come. You’ve got to accept yourself and continue to be healthy and happy, and somehow let go of it all. This is your burden that you constantly keep a death grip on and you never really truly let go of the burden and let Him have it. He has the power to prohibit any and every diet from working if he’s still trying to show you something. Because nothing else really makes sense, I just feel like that’s what is happening.
Ah yes. I am well acquainted with the health & weight/heart struggle. It's been a lifelong one for me, and my journal is littered with confessions, repentance, mourning, rejoicing, every emotion under the sun. The lowest weight I've been in a long, long time came from being on a mission trip. And they feed us fried chicken more times than I could count….I think what happened was that I was so consumed with God's goodness and sharing His love that I wasn't focused on my own 'lack' and trying to fill that perceived lack.
Girl, I SO feel you on this one. I need to continual give my struggles to Him, trusting that as my All-Sufficient, He CAN and WILL satisfy every longing of my heart! xoxo
Wow. That's good stuff. Thanks for sharing!
I'm right there with ya. Brianna's words hit home for me too. Sigh.
Thanks for sharing such a intimate part of your life, because I know I've never been brave enough to blog about my weight struggles. As your friend noted, it's about finding happiness within. Just these past three years I've gained 20 lbs. And looking back, I have to laugh at myself because my whole life I've never been comfortable in my own skin. Yes, even when I was a size 4 — I was unhappy, self conscious, and insecure. 20 lbs and a size 8-10 later, I finally found security, happiness, and confidence to be comfortable with who I am. Of course I'd like to shed those 20 lbs I've gained…. But I don't beat myself up over and it doesn't rule my life… Once you find that inner peace, things will fall into place. And goals not easily achieved, won't torment you on a daily basis…. Again, thanks for sharing….
I so get this… the unhappiness with the body stuff… ugh.
Bianca,
I do not personally know the struggle that you are going through, so I won't pretend to know. But, I read your post daily and have heard you speak at my first retreat ever and last summers bible study and let me tell you; YOU SHINE. Your words are of great encouragement and God is really using you to move those of us who need it most. I know your weight must be an issue for you, but if you could really see the beauty that flows through you when you are teaching those numbers on the scale would mean nothing.
Beautiful B … thank you for your transparency … your gut-truth-honesty.
I do understand. Yes. I do. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. Yet, I know that I will never look like the magazine models. (11 pregnancies kind of changes the body shape)
God knew when He created me that my genetic tendencies would be towards being overweight … He knew that I would face thyroid cancer (which totally affects the metabolism) … He knew I would face a serious car accident which would prevent exercise for many years. He knew. Yet, He created me, and He could only create something beautiful. So, I must learn to rest in the beauty that He has created, and not yearn for the type of beauty that man worships.
Keep eating right. Keep exercising. And, allow the Lord to change you from the inside out, first. I agree with your friend … 100% … the Lord is much more concerned with your inner beauty than your outer beauty, and He is doing a mighty work in you through this struggle.
Love & Hugs,
Mama D.
Thank you for you honesty and vulnerability. Havilah
I love you, B.
And I would like the option of re-writing my emails to include some bigger words and flowery metaphors if they are going to be included on the blog. 🙂 Thank you for being honest with me and letting me be honest with you. I'm probably the only friend that has never in my life been on any kind of diet, but I love you more than life and care about everything you go through. I want you to be able to one day post a twitter avi in your bathing suit… just kidding. But I do want you to be happy.
continue to be healthy. stay off the scale…
Bianca,
I totally agree with your friend 100%….what a great friend to give you the "ugly truth" in love. I too struggle with my weight and am very much at a stand still with weight loss myself. But, God is showing me that He cares more about what my heart is like then changing me on the outside. I have always lost weight rapidly when really focused on eating healthy and working out until just recently. I will pray for you Bianca…this post too hits real close to home!
You are a beautiful woman of God who is so transparent and the Lord desires to do good things through you and for you. Your husband I am sure is madly in love with the way you look, but most importantly the Lord is even more madly in love with you 🙂 I only share my heart right now because as I have written before to you, this is a HUGE daily struggle to find that peace and love and acceptance in Him when I don't get it from my husband. You are truly a gem Bianca!
The awesome thing about those words by Bri is that we can apply them to whatever we are struggling with. Is it singleness? Weight? Anger? You name it. outwardly we can fool even ourselves BUT God looks at the heart.
In watching the show The Biggest Loser, those trainers constantly talk about the person being under stress. Not the "working out 8 hours a day" stress, but the stress of the emotions that come with the weight challenge. Then, in a few weeks, those contestants have a breakthrough and continue to lose…I bet your friend hit the nail on the head. If you're doing all the right things for YOU, then you are doing all you can and give it to Him! Don't let this minor set back discourage you from the journey. Don't let "it" win! Go get 'em!! 🙂
Bianca, I have never seen you in real life and so, other than the pictures you post on here, the only part of you that I really see is the inner you…and let me tell you that it is SO beautiful. So beautiful that it brings me back day after day. So beautiful that it touches my soul and teaches my spirit. So beautiful that it radiates from the screen and literally shines. So beautiful that I just want to give you a big hug and tell you how wonderful you are!
I hope that God continues to show you just how beautiful you are, inside and out, and that you start to believe it and stand in it…that one day you own it!
Thank you for being real and honest with us. Thank you for allowing us to be real and honest too and for leading the way so we can follow. Thank you for being you x
truth hurts….revelations in our lives come at a cost sometimes. A painful cost. But truth ALWAYS brings freedom. This is an area where nearly every woman struggles (image, weight, etc)…and it is a message every woman needs to hear- our beauty comes from within, it is intrinsic, a gift from God.
Thank you for sharing your heart Bianca- it is a blessing!!
I'm glad I'm not the only one on the Paleo who has GAINED weight! Even though I feel a lot better, I do feel heavier! Maybe portion control becomes important here lol. I've been doing crossfit and paleo, so maybe its time to focus more on the inside while my body works on the outside. Thanks for the reminder 🙂 …and I haven't done my taxes yet, so looks like you're in better shape than me 😉
So….Hmmmmm…this might be crossing some boundaries…but…why hasn't anyone brought up the fact that you and your hubby are…hmmm…BUSY…doing…STUFF….
I'm assuming that all of the BUSY STUFF MARRIED COUPLES DO would make you hormonal and would totally make it almost impossible to lose weight…everyone gains weight when they get married and I always thought it was because of the hormones due to BUSY STUFF.
Enjoy being BUSY…the weight is going to come off…it has to…eventually…
Hahaha I am ROLLING with laughter!
Oh my word?! I've never heard of this. Maybe this is why…
Oh, and Cindy, stop laughing. I'm going to pinch you!!!
Oh yeah…its very common in Christian circles because some many virgins end up getting married and being BUSY….they ALWAYS gain weight after they get married….eventually you're body will adjust to the hormonal changes…but being BUSY is a big change for your body and there is a huge connection between hormones and weight gain….YAY for being BUSY!!
Hi Bianca,
Good news:
1) There will be people who will not die before Jesus comes, the ones who are alive during when He returns. The Bible says in Revelation 1:7 that "every eye shall see Him" meaning that yes, there will be people alive to witness this grand event, whether it's our generation or not. 🙂
2) When you say you've been "strict, diligent, and followed all the rules," but are still gaining weight as you are happily married, I can't help but wonder…Maybe you're pregnant? 🙂
A beautiful video by one of my favorite youth choirs in the world that will uplift you:
"I Can Only Imagine," as performed by CJW http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j11oS2wNGsU
Wow, go Brianna! That's just what I needed to hear!
I think you are beautiful Bianca!!! Absolutely gorgeous and I know someone else who thinks that…you're probably wearing his wedding ring. 😉 I do understand though because it's rough being a woman and it's easy for us (even those who are the fittest) to feel good about the way we look on the outside. I'll share this verse with you which has really spoken to me this past week: 2 Corinthians 4:18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
Thanks for pouring your heart out and trusting us.
P.S. – Paleo is the greatest diet ever…I haven't shed the pounds (I'm not really a fan of the scale…it lies I tell you!)…but I have noticed a change in the way I fit into my clothes, my skin is the clearest I have seen it in a while (I have yucky acne) and my moods are pretty balanced. I'm a paleo advocate all the way….let me know if you need any help staying on track with Paleo (accountability is key).
I could say that this isn't a struggle. I'd be lying. I could say I have it under control. I'd be lying. I could also say that God is healing me through this process. For that, I am thankful.
Wow….thank you for being so honest and candid in your post. I want to tell you that I think you're positively gorgeous….but I know that it doesn't really matter what others say when you feel a certain way about yourself. I have struggled with my weight for years. About four years ago, I lost 55 pounds. Last year, I gained 20 of it back! I hate the way I look, yet now I lack the (God-given) self control of '07. I wake up every day thinking…'today will be the day'….and that day passes and the next day comes. I love what your friend said to you, simply because sometimes we need that honest friend to smack us (in a nice way, of course) upside the head…and tell us the truth. Of course, I have cried and cried when my friends have been so forthright. Okay….I will pray for you….and I am wondering if you can pray for me?? I know that God sees us as beautiful daughters of His….and I pray that one day I will see myself as such. I pray the same for you, no matter what the scale says. I could go on and on, but I wanted to offer up just a teeny bit of encouragement. Also….some verses that I love are: 1 Sam. 16:7, Prov. 31:30, and Gal. 1:10 (I think that's what it is??). Those are ones that speak to me personally…..and maybe just one will speak to you?? I'm praying for you. Again, thank you for sharing this with "the world!!" 🙂 I believe the Lord will honor your vulnerability and honesty!
i love you. and all your happily married self. 😉
Consider yourself very luck to have a friend that loves you so much to speak truth to you. And speak it out of LOVE. Many people wouldn't be able to do that. I too have struggle with weight, and there was time in my life that my weight consumed my mind. It was my first thought in the morning and the last thought in the evening. But like your friend said, it was when I completely surrendered my heart to Him. I had trusted Him with everything else, but not my weight. I wanted to see myself through HIS eyes, not my own. But I want you to know, every time I come to your blog, I think how gorgeous & beautiful you are!
Don't let satan, WIN this BATTLE Sister! God will give you the POWER to overcome it!
That is a good friend right there!! So awesome. Wish we all had Brianna's in our life!
Thank you for sharing this with us your blog friends. Now we know what areas to pray continually for. I will be lifting you up to the Lord
Love Nayi
this was great! loved it. needed it. thanks for being real – i think all of us as women can relate.
wow. that is some hard, ugly truth. that i don't want to really hear or believe, but i know is true anyway.
ugh.
Theres a book called Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets them Free. I just read Chap. 3 that deals on body image… and it is one powerful chapter. I dont agree 100% with all of what is said in the book, but I really liked that chapter. Id encourage you to read it!
Im a 27 year old mother of 3 and the ups and downs of weight gain since I was a young teen have been such a battle. I remember at age 15 or so my grandmother saying I was chubby and I was crushed. I dealt with eating disorders for years through high school and was so depressed. I hated myself.
It wasnt until years after I got married and the Lord really began to work in me that I saw beauty in myself. It only came once I began to really grasp the understanding that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Who am I to question Gods Hand in how he created me?
Life should be so much more than trying to seek perfection in our looks , weight or bodies.
Lord knows after 3 kids being super petite, resulted in some crazy art works on my stomach and a whole new dept. to feel insecure about… but what sort of life would it be to hate myself over something temporary… rather than love what the Lords given me as a result.
You are amazingly stunning Bianca and I know you dont know me, but I am a huge fan of your sisters. Im a photographers as well… but it breaks my heart to ever see someone question their beauty… and do know im preaching to myself too.
Just to tell you, I do think there is a trouble with your RSS, it isn’t showing right in my Feed viewer. It just began occurring a few days ago, did you alter some thing on the blog?
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