We sat outside of the cafe under a yellow umbrella and sipped cool drinks. I stared down the street thinking about what Matt said. The weight of his words. The love in which he spoke them. And I knew he was right.
Being away from home provides introspection that I cannot hear due to the monotony of life. The same, the routine, the traffic deafens me to the silence. And in the silence I hear things I normally don’t.
The completion of a 568 page book, the pace in which I run, the way I eat, how I drive… it’s excessive. His words stung so deep because they were true. I flipped my fork over and back in a continuous pattern so I didn’t have to look at him. Him and his blue eyes being more gentle with me than I’ve ever seen.
I finished the FrauenKonferenz on Saturday and felt like a failure. Like I couldn’t find my rhythm. Like I was a crazy American who made a stoic group laugh, but questioned what they retained. My fear of failing and not imparting God’s glory crept over me like a monster as I plopped on my bed after the conference. I wanted to run away. And then eat something fattening. And then sleep.
And that’s what I did.
The next day is when I picked up my book and lost myself. Matt said I deserved a break and said we should have a relaxing day. No email. No internet. No schedule. Give me an inch and I’ll take a hundred miles. For the next 48 hours I obsessively competed with myself to finish the book, to lose who I am in the pages of who Minny was.
As a child, I lost who I was in the characters of strength in the movies I watched, the stories I read, the tales I wrote. For example, as an 11 year-old, 178-pound MexiRican girl living in Los Angeles county, I read every single Sweet Valley High book because I wanted Jasmine and I to be Elisabeth and Jessica, the thin, blond haired, blue eyed beautiful twins from Sweet Valley. Except we weren’t blond. Or blue eyed. Or lived in Sweet Valley. But for hours I lived the stories of others so I didn’t have to live my own.
The ice cubes clanked in my glass and I swirled them around trying to ignore the truth that was staring at me in front of my face. You lose yourself in what you do, so you don’t have to face who you are, Matt said in a way he’s never said before. And that’s when I lost it. I grabbed my cup and took a long swig, tilting my head back to keep the tears in my eyes. But they slipped down my face and rolled onto my lap.
I felt like I was standing on the cobblestone road, under the yellow umbrella, naked for all of people of Fussen to see. I had been exposed, discovered. And I sobbed because I couldn’t pull the blankets over my head and eat food in secret like I once did as a child. I couldn’t run. I couldn’t hide. I had to listen.
The principle lesson for me wasn’t to figure out if getting lost in a book is bad. What struck me deeply is that I run from who God created me to be. And in running away, I loose my identity in the characters I wanted to be. I want to be as structured as A, B, and C. But I’m more like %, 2, and Q. But this is me. God made me a beautiful disaster.
My percieved failure is ironic. The feedback is coming in and I’m amazed to know the simple words spoken touched an 18 year old girl and an 82 year old Oma [grandma]. The customarily quiet and reserved women broke free to laugh with me, at me, and stumble through the seminar to learn about who God is, how He loves us, and who He created us to be.
And in my case, it’s a beautiful disaster. 
Just so you know, you are beautiful inside and out! I too struggle with who I really am, often God reminds that He created me and " He don't make any JUNK". I fail miserably every moment of my life, it seems, Thank you Jesus that your grace is enough! I pray that especially during this week where you can enjoy your hubby who loves you for who you are and not for your failures, and to just seek the Lord and listen to what He has to say to Bianca 🙂 Love hearing your heart, its beautiful because it is the heart of Jesus <3
OH Bianca, this is so great!
A just wrote a whole long comment and then it disappeared. So I'll take that as a sign to be short and sweet!
Wow! Isn't it so hard when our husbands manage to speak with such love and grace while putting their finger on and pushing the very spot that hurts even when we don't know it yet! I've had this exact moment just with slightly different words and drinks!
Love you Bianca, and love your heart x
You so nailed my struggle with…myself, and who God made me.
i do exactly the same thing. i lose myself in other people's stories (especially fictitious ones) so i don't have to face who i am. and it's interesting that since starting grad school last fall i've had more breakdowns than i've ever had… my poor boyfriend has seen me at my very worst. and part of it is probably because i no longer have time to lose myself in a good book. i've had to face my flaws this year because i don't have time to distract myself with fun. i've been working on it and i'll say a prayer for you as you continue evolving into the woman God created you to be.
Wow…this brought tears to my eyes. I do this too, all the time. But you know that. I look at you and can't imagine how you could want to not see yourself for who you are…beautiful, passionate, loyal, fierce, and a joy to be around. You shine friend.
Have a blast with that wise man of yours…
Beautiful. I hope you write all this and more in a journal somewhere. It sounds like you are creating a amazing story of your own (and you even have a twin, so not fair 😉
"You lose yourself in what you do, so you don’t have to face who you are"…..I started crying right there. That is SO ME!!
Hello Bianca,
Sometimes I am lost in my mind and in this state, I walked miles without knowing where I'm going…sometimes we are lost in what we are doing, but the most important thing, is to get back to those who we love and who loves us…I know Matt only from one day in our real world and I don't know much about him, but I know he is a good guy and I know he is a good husband for you. 🙂
Love,
Markus 🙂
Thank you for this beautiful post. As many comments before me, it seems like we all struggle with this. As I walked my bike home last night after it blew a tire God decided that I finally needed to face the pain I have been so easily shoveling to the bottom. I realized as I walked home how my insecurities blew up in my face as I walked home feeling exposed to the world. I thought about how as a child we seek to be noticed by those around us. But when we become adults we avoid being noticed and exposed. I think that is do to the insecurities within us. We don't like who we are, therefore, we don't want others to judge us. That is not necessarily the point you were making but I felt like your post related to what was slapped in my face last night. Thank you for exposing yourself to us. You are a beautiful woman both inside and out and have so much wisdom to give to others.
Just having a conversation the other day about how so few people in our lives will be that honest and graceful at the same time. "Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful." Proverbs 27:6
I love this conclusion post. I too read Sweet Valley High wishing to be them too…among other books and things I lost myself in so I could pretend my life was better. Though a lot of things in my childhood were bad…there was some good too, but I wouldn't want to change a thing because it all shaped me to be the person I am and am becoming. Thank you for your honesty and rawness and sharing it so openly.
B. I read this and I am grateful for your honesty and openess. In marriage iron sharpens iron. Although there is cling and clash sounds, when both are in unity and partnered in preaching the Gospel, its like piercing a spear in the realm of satan.
May God continue to mold you and shape you for his glory. In God we live and move and have our being.
Bianca,
This is beautiful. I'll be pondering…
:::Taylor
Crazy…I read the sweet valley high books like they were going out of style, and decided I'd be Jessica…but I still never wanted to be blonde. Love you, friend
gosh! i can SO relate to what you're talking about.
Tender. Naked. Beautiful. Those words resonate with me. I chased after who I wanted to be for 30+ years. And then I stopped. Realizing that "the chase" actually meant stopping and embracing me…the real me…the me I can love…the me that can be…and, finally, after many tears, I finally love the me I am. Your words are touching many lives….Much love from Minneapolis.
This is so totally me. Thanks for sharing. <3
I came to the US when I was 6. I'm Colombian/Spanish. For as long as I can remember, all I wanted to be was American. It was before the CHI was invented and my hair didn't look like "the preppy little white girls" hair (thank goodness for Brazilian Blowouts now!). I think somewhere along the line, I became whatever my idea of American was. Now I kinda wish I could have embraced who/what I was a little more as I became who I am.
I'm not sure if I've ever commented on your blog before but I've been reading off and on for some time. I've found you through your sister Jasmine as she's been a guiding light in my photography journey. This post really kinda punched me in the gut. I had a mild breakdown with my husband yesterday, expressing that I just didnt feel like ENOUGH in so many aspects of my life. I didnt feel like I was doing enough, being enough, etc. I've been avoiding my journal and biblestudy like the plague out of fear of what I might find there. This post pointed out the same theme in my life. I've always been one to lose myself inside of books or movies. I wanted desperately to be the character, as successful as the character, as spunky, as brave, as pretty, as independent…but I never connected that to running away from the struggle of who I am and who God has called me to be and what my role in life is to be. Thank you…
Rarely do I read a blog and then sit back and stare at the screen slack-jawed at the power of it.
This was one of those blogs.
Powerful and beautiful! Thank you for sharing.
This is SO me. Or I guess it was so me. I'm trying to get over it. I always read blogs and want to *be* that person…as cool, talented, loved, funny, whatever. Then a few days ago I sat and read my OWN blog with my best friend and laughing said "mate, f'real if I wasn't me, I would SO want to be me", then stopped, realised what I'd said and cried. I realised I spent so much time wanting what others had, that I hadn't appreciated what I have and who I am. And when I stopped and looked at me, and my life, I realised…I think it's kinda cool 😉 Love hearing that someone else is coming out the other side of a simular thing. xxx
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright, bright, bright, bright
Sun-Shiny day.
I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin' for
It’s gonna be a bright, bright, bright, bright
Sun-Shiny day.
Look all around, there’s nothin but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin but blue skies
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright, bright, bright, bright
Sun-Shiny day.
Bianca,
I completely understand what you mean about losing yourself in a story!
I used to read the Sweet Valley High Series too! Every summer, my dad would take my brother and I to the library. My brother would check out one or two books on puppies and other boy books and I would stack high the series of Sweet Valley High! I remember reading ALL of the books in the series. I still remember some of the characters! Apart from the famous twins Elizabeth and Jessica, I liked the story about Olivia the artist and the girl, what's her name Robin who went from fat to fab and started dating the quarterback who loved her completely. I remember identifying with Robin's weight struggles and secretly wishing I could reach such success! I remember thinking it was such a great compliment when one of my friends said that when it came to the Sweet Valley High twins, I was more like Elizabeth. Made me smile because I love writing and well Elizabeth had Todd– a handsome and reliable and caring and smart beau. LOL. Yep, I was most def wrapped up in the lives of Sweet Valley High characters. But you know all of my reading (I read other books too like Love Stories which is also a sweet series and Lurlene McDaniel– Loved her Christmas series) paid off because it helped me to grow and find my voice as a writer.
I still love to read a good book. I saw the trailer for the movie The Help yesterday! I'm thinking of reading that book too….
I LOVE THIS BIANCA! I am Blessed because of who you are!
Thank You!
AND…I am glad I caught this once both posts were up..cause I would have been dying to finish the story…LOL! 😀
Everything I had hoped this post would be after reading the first one. I know it's kind of strange, but it's comforting to know there are others who lead crazy, hectic, self-doubting, beautifully disastrous lives. (let me check my count…yep got enough adjectives in there 😉 )
Great reminder! I think I finally figured out that I have not let myself date anyone for 31 years because I was AFRAID of loosing myself in a guy. I think it is time to face my fear and take courage though!
You're beautiful and I love your blog. I'm 21 and I too absorbed every single Sweet Valley book. I too try to be super structured, but I fail miserably and I'm learning that being a spinning top with a kajillion ideas is okay 😉
totally cried….that’s exactly why i love movies and books…to escape reality…to not have to face me…loved this…
I am so heartbroken and so happy at the same time while reading this. We are all beautiful disasters, I knew I loved Kelly Clarkson for a reason. Love you. Miss you.
Bianca,
Something just prompted me to read your blog this morning as I drank my coffee, and tears just fell down. As a little girl, I also read to escape. I love your perspective, and that "God made me a beautiful disaster"…..I think when we feel like we have missed the mark, He is at work through us the most. Thank you for your words, be safe and have a wonderful trip….
Wow.
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