I always thought identity crises occur around middle age. [You know, like the 55 year-old balding male who decides to pierce his ear and buy a convertible.] But, as I’ve discovered, anyone can have an identity crisis.
Prior to marriage I could spout off attributes to describe myself should someone ask—for example, tennis-lover, foodie extraordinaire, museum curator, blah, blah, blah. But as soon as I returned from my honeymoon, I became less sure of who I was. Dr. Phil and Dear Abby will all say marriage is an adjustment, but when two stepchildren are involved adjustment is an understatement.
Within the first trimester of stepmotherhood, my identity was in shambles. Around a crowded dinner table, my friend Michelle told me I was having an identity crisis. The only image I could conjure up was the mental picture of the 45 year-old mother who shops with her teen daughter at Forever 21, dyes her hair blond, and wears glitter, so I wasn’t really buying it. But after some soul searching [and crying], I realized I was.
Dateless and single for seven years, I developed a modus operendi of establishing a career while avoiding mediocrity at all costs. I filled my life with culturally enriching events, athletic pursuits, and business travel. As far as my friends and ministry pals were concerned, I was a virtual concierge, always with latest museum exhibition, hotel, or restaurant recommendation.
In my downtown I devoured cooking magazines, Grisham novels, and anything Pulitzer. On weekends, when I wasn’t spending long mornings running on the beach or some random trail, I could be found strolling museums pondering the motivation of tortured artists or sitting in a vibrating chair at Fancy Nail, having my toes painted red and catching up on tabloid trash. On Saturday nights, while the bourgeoisie and their kids waited in line at Blockbuster with a stack of the latest Disney films in their arms, I sat comfortably in an art house theater eating a dinner of popcorn and Evian water while watching intellectual indie files with subtitles. Sundays were no less self-absorbed with picking whatever church service catered to my schedule, workout, or ministry event.
Can you imagine the pain I felt spending $50 on a Saturday night to sit a theater with screaming kids watching the latest poorly produced cartoon? This. Isn’t. My. Life.
Moving from sassy and single to happy and hitched can be a rough transition by itself—throw stepkids into the mix and you got yourself a recipe for HotMess soup! However, it can be done. Whether newly married or newly married with kids, it’s important to allow yourself some time to adjust to wife and part-time mother.
I didn’t allow myself time [and grace] to adjust to what life would look like. If adjustment doesn’t occur and grace isn’t given [by the spouse], the goals of “perfect wife and doting step-mom” will eventually turn into Britney Spears’ head shaving experience: a disaster.
Give yourself time to adjust and weave into your new life activities that are uniquely you. Instead of making gourmet food from magazines, I’m convincing a 4 year-old and 6 year-old that Romano cheese and fresh pasta is so much better than Kraft mac-n-cheese. My weekly nail treats aren’t as frequent, but at least I get to have Ryen pick out a color we both can wear as we read books to each other on vibrating chairs. And Matt? Well, most of the time Matt just gives me grace when I have a meltdown or need a hug. Unless I lock myself in the closet—but that’s a whole other blog post.
I’m still working through this transition and I haven’t figured it out, but remembering my identity is solely in Christ has tempered my crisis and allowed me to embrace the change.
Any other advice is greatly appreciated 🙂
Praying for us 😉 Love you gal!
Don’t lose your sense of humor. LOL
That would be a very hard transition. I hope God has given you some great encouragers to cheer you on.
Wow, I love this post…it is so real! My experience was different but the same. I dated my hubbie for 6 years before we got married…we were really young, couldn't get married fast enough and both graduated early from college just so that we could be husband and wife as soon as possible. And guess what? We both had MAJOR identity crises 🙂 And the worst part was that neither one of us anticipated it at all. No one really talked about the adjustment to marriage and I started getting resentful of people that would say "Isn't marriage so WONDERFUL?" Like I was supposed to be feeling my "happily-ever-after" and wasn't because I was in the midst of a Britney Spears head shaving moment. Even though we got through that transition with full heads of hair, and from the outside no one would have ever known, it was a WHILE before we felt comfy in our husband and wife roles. But it does get easier. And it does start to feel normal…. and then normal turns into wonderful. I can honestly say that marriage keeps getting better and better with each year. We've been married for 5 and I can't wait to keep growing together! Love, Katie 🙂
I remind myself that my children grow up, not my house not my chores etc. When Im home and Noah wants to play legos and Im more worried about keeping the house perfect, im remind myself that he will grow up! There are days when we have to stay in bed past 9am, stay in pj's till the afternoon, let the house stay a mess, take out toys without putting others away first, eat lunch not at the dinner table but on the floor picnic style, dont worry about the breadcrumbs that could be picked up, drink chocolate mik as a snack, and even if he doesnt match let him pick his favorite cars shirt with his firehat! And although all these things raise the hairs on the back of my neck, and enough to drive my type A into a panic attack I remind myself…. He will grow up! He will leave the house and it wont matter that I tried to have a perfect house. What he will remember the times I embraced being a kid with him. Enjoy the time and not the tasks because they grow up 🙁
ha! i can so relate to this 🙂 Seven years ago my husband's 14 year old son came to live with us. We'd only been married 3 years and had an 8 month old daughter together.
so yeah-toddler and teenager. imagine napoleon dynamite with serious attitude. oy vey! the next 4 years of my life were some of the hardest. and most tired, worn out, exhausted, and confused years! lol!
i was able to embrace my newfound role, since i knew it was God's will. but that didn't make it any easier.
pray for them and love them.. especially when they’re “less lovable”
I love your honesty B! I feel like I really know you and what you're going through even though we've never met! A new marriage is hard on the identity front even without step kids!
Looking forward to/intrigued to read the post about locking yourself in the closet…I usually choose the bathroom!
i really appreciate this post. although i am not a step mom i did get married about two months after you 😉 i can totally relate to "knowing my identity" before marriage and now kinda fumbling through. it's funny because the things i thought i'd struggle with i don't and the things i thought i knew, i realize i don't! ha! praise the Lord for His nearness and grace! and praise God for a loving, caring and understanding husband 🙂
B You are so cool! You have no idea!!!
This post hits hard for me. I've been married for almost 4 years and in the past 7 months we have lost 2 babies thru miscarriage, talk about tension and pressure on a marriage. I find myself wondering why why why??? And with the whys, I feel like I've completely lost who I was before these losses. Identity crisis! and I'm only 25, well 26 tomorrow, but still, young! I'm constantly battling what my next step is, is this what God wants for me, how am I going to use this to further His Kingdom, Etc. Someone said to me a few years ago, on a totally different topic, that, It's a process, Life's a process. I think we can expand on the advice, and say, Grief is a process, Marriage is a process, and (step)Parenting is a process.
Much Love
Sara
ps. For some reason I keep thinkin about this verse for you, John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
Marriage & motherhood (via step-children, biological children, or adoptive children) is a HUGE transition for any woman. We adopted our son from Taiwan last April at 6 months old and we were right in the middle of planting our church in South Florida. Phew! Flying 23 hours back to the US with a 6 month old who looked at me like I had 5 heads was quite intimidating. 2010 was a crazy but beautifully exciting year! Those around me give me lots of grace as well (thankfully)…but I tend to be so hard on myself. So, my suggested advice (to myself first and foremost) is to give yourself LOTS of grace and to take some "sanity breaks" – even a once a month outing alone is so refreshing to me. When I come home refreshed, it benefits my husband and son. "When Momma is happy – everyone is happy!" LOL Or, more importantly…Because Jesus was strong, I am free to be weak. Because Jesus won, I am free to fail. GRACE, amazing GRACE. 🙂 Happy Friday from sunny South Florida!
This is quite encouraging. I’m currently single and in no way going through your situation, but thanks!
I am 39 years old with no children of my own (yet)…I am not an "official" step mother, but am a soon-to-be, who plays "stepmom" every other weekend. I have been with my fiance going on five years this June and he has an 8 yr old daughter. Let me tell you girlfriend… I UNDERSTAND! It took me a very long time (I think the first few years) to learn to deal with his daughter especially, as she is a daddy's girl and needs much of his attention. I struggled with trying to be a friend to her & my need for his attention as my partner, yet taking on a SERIOUS role as "stepmom", (ie; cooking, bathing, cleaning, entertaining, etc). I didn't quite know where my place was (as I thought I'm single, no kids – "what am I doing here???!"). Much like you, going from "singlehood" to "I don't even know what to call myself"" was a huge transition…
Biting my tongue when it came to discipline and other things that come with a growing girl was VERY hard for me. At one point I became somewhat resentful of her and I would cry as I knew that my feelings weren't right. After much communicaton with my fiance & God, I came to the understanding that whatever our Lord has planned for me will be. I accept this & I will do my best to be the best friend aka "stepmom" I can be..With that, "Adrianna" & I continue to grow closer by the day. I love her so much and look forward to our time with her… Hearing your words only reminds me to be thankful for my life, my fiance, for my family, for my daily struggles and for all the blessings behind them.. God's plan is greater than my own and I am ever so grateful to have these things & try not to take anything for granted… Taking the good with the bad and thanking God every day for my sanity and Xantax, ha ha (just kidding)…Thanks Bianca 🙂
Bianca. I'm a stepmom. Was a full-time custodial stepmom at the age of 23. I grew up at the same time I was helping someone else grow up! And there were a lot of painful years where my self esteem was truly battered, bruised, torn up, chewed up, etc. I'm happy to say I'm still here. My stepson is married and has an adorable 9mo old baby boy. I'm a grandma at 39! Plus, I now have two daughters (11 and 14).
I felt so alone during those years. But I truly believe that God has helped use what I went through to make me stronger, better, & to use as ministry. If you ever need a listening ear – or objective advice – I'll do my best. (madetomom@yahoo.com)
Dionna
I totally get this. I think our identity evolves over time and during different life stages, yet at the core there are some truths that always remain. And living those truths, and recognizing them as things that need to be nurtured is a gift.
I went through a deep depression two years ago due to many things, but a major issue was the identity crisis. It took much therapy for me to realize that I never really took the steps I needed to nurture my authentic self – to respect it, live it, and surround myself with people who appreciated it. Living as your authentic self is certainly a process, but it is a much easier path in the long run than forcing yourself to fit someone else's perceived ideal (or even your own).
Give yourself that Grace you need. Be the woman God meant you to be. That authentic self that God created in you is there – trust in it. There is giving of yourself, of course… there always will be. But hold on tightly to you and your gifts – they will guide you.
In speaking the hard truth – being a Stepmom has been undoubtedly one of the top three challenges of my life. (You *know* I've been through it, too) You do all the WORK of the regular Mom, love just as DEEPLY as the regular Mom, crave the same CLOSENESS as the regular Mom is so freely given…all for what can sometimes seem like half the return on your investment in their little lives. You wonder who you are and why you're all of a sudden – there – the elephant in the room of their lives. B, all I can say is enjoy . . . and endure! If you have to cry, laugh, fear or fight frustration all your days through it, the dividends in the end are what teach you as much about yourself as you learn about those children in your care.
God has taught me a new capacity for love and patience through my step-daughter, (whom I have affectionately renamed as my "Bonus-Baby" and of course, I'm the "Bonus Mom"). Identity crisis aside, while you are already so blessed you are about to face many amazing discoveries because of your new title.
In last year's summer series, I remember sitting in the sanctuary thinking – by next year's study, teaching from the perspective of not only WIFE but STEPMOM – Bianca is going to have some AWESOME material to share!!! (but I love where you're going with JONAH!) Praying for you – in all things! XOXO, R
Oh I wish I had been able to read this post a few years ago. I can totally relate to your dilemmas. I completely lost myself when I was given the role of step-mother when my and I fiance moved in together a few years ago. Those two children are now teenagers and it is presenting me with a completely new set of issues with parenting. I found it so hard to find that balance (and still do to an extent) but I love your approach 🙂 I am so looking forward to fitting in time for my own "life" outside of being step-mother and wife and making sure I don't get lost again 🙂
Mmm…. Can you say "expectations"? Wow, they are a killer, aren't they? I can relate. It is so tempting to live in the past, future, anywhere, but here. I married my husband at 24 and became the mom of an 8-yr old girl and 12-yr old boy. We decided from go that we would not use "step" labels as they seemed counter intuitive to making a family. While they did not call me mom (my son still does not), it was more an attitude of belonging and love towards each other. And yes, I am sure there were times they did not want me, but we persevered. Letting go of what I thought my life should look like was a life saver. I am being made in His image and if you knew me you would know that is not going to be a comfortable process!
My oldest kids, are now 27 (married with a 2-yr old) and 23. My husband and I have been married 14 years and have a 7-yr old beauty. A solid front and mom and dad's relationship first has gone a long way. With God's help, we have raised 2 amazing adults that have a close personal relationship with Christ. Really, what else is there? I love our family and I would not change it for anything. I am more like Him because of them. I am the blessed one!
He chose you and He thinks you are up to the job, it has nothing to do with your sufficiency and everything to do with His. Take heart mama, you can do it! You are doing awesome! “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Gal. 6:9. Feel free to email me if you need a little encouragement! You are in my prayers!
I NEEDED this post. I am right there with you. Thank you so much
It's so refreshing to know that I am not the only girl who had ideas about marriage and becoming a wife.. thinking of romance and perfect dinners. Only to have reality slap me in the face like a hot towel..
Step-parenting is a slippery slope and I am learning daily to take things one day at a time. Thanks for your transparency!
http://brennengaddis.blogspot.com/
Wrote on identity crisis yesterday. It's so true….. it's so difficult to discover who we are. And it all starts by realizing WHOSE we are. And understanding God and his characteristics…. then allowing him to reveal and show us who we are.
🙂
#1: I lock myself in the closet. alot. It's like my personal time-out zone.
#2: I couldn't agree more. I think, in general, the go-getters in the world fail to give themselves enough time in transition. Every transition in my life has lasted longer than I thought or expected that it should…if I could go back, I would tell myself to just hang on. It will get better, but not as fast I thought.
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Thanks for the transparency. I'm sorry it's been difficult. But, gotta tell you, even parenting bio. kids can be quite challenging sometimes (and then throw in a couple of adopted kids). Identity crisis? Oh my yes! Mother? Homeschooling Mother? Adoptive Mother? Mother of Large Family? Wife? Pastor's Wife? I play all kinds of roles, but who am I??? Still trying to figure that one out sometimes. (But have not yet shopped at Forever 21, nor do I wear glitter. 🙂
Hope your week is BLESSED!
Laurel 🙂
Oh Mama D, I love you. I appreciate your words SO much. Thank you for thinking of me. I can't thank you enough!
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