If you’re not careful we’re gonna make a profile for you on an online dating site, the teens in youth group teased and laughed hysterically. As they jested, I made a mental note to myself that online dating is a joke; yes, it’s reserved for those who are truly dateless and desperate.
Further conversations with people in the church solidified my fear of even discussing the possibility of meeting someone through alternative measures. But as I collected research about women in the 21st century, it seemed like more and more data pointed to sad statistics. I wrote an article about it for a Christian publishing house. It was rejected. As was the idea that the Church should even discuss the issue.
But I couldn’t help of meander sites and see normal, real-life people succeeding at meeting viable candidates for holy matrimony. So I did was any normal girl would do. I convinced a friend to do it! Yup, I suckered in a co-worker to sign up.
Hesitant at first, she was SOLD after I regurgitated the statistic that 1 in every 6 couples in 2009 met online and were pathologically compatible based one a number of values and preferences [yes, I sounded like a commercial]. We openly discussed it, set parameters, found good pictures of her, and signed her up. Being the good friend I am, I was with her the entire way collecting data.
Lo and behold, she met Danny only after five weeks of joining an online site. They were married this past March.
So at this point you probably think I’m going to advocate online dating as the new rage and convince every single woman in the American Church to join. But I’m not. In fact, I’m not advocating anything. I simply want to talk about it. Discuss dating openly in a simple, easy, honest way.
Thanks to Jasmine, the story of how I met Matt is out of the bag. I knew at some point it would have to be discussed, but there are a host of fears which come with being vulnerable and honest. But Internet, someone has to speak about this!
As of late, it’s alarming to see the rate of women leaving the church to pursue partnership and love. Statistics show that most 24-36 year olds spend 42% of their day at a computer; the evangelical church is comprised more single women than single men [com’on men!]; the church is remaining silent on instructing men and women how to pursue each other in a Godly way.
Instead of remaining silent or casting stones behind people’s backs, lets discuss concerns, fears, apprehensions, or successes. God is in control of all. Yes, even the internet.
- Fully commit your dating life into the hands of God. He cares about it.
- Invite other people to walk this journey with you.
- Set high standards.
- Don’t compromise.
- Be honest with yourself and about yourself.
- Listen to the insight of others.
Like I said before, I’m not advocating eHarmony. I have waaaaay too many funny stories and reasons why the process is odd [one guy listed his profession as “Keeper of the Night”?!], but the discussion is needed. So jump on it!
Questions? Concerns? Success stories?
Africa or bust… 🙂
two of my brides met their fiances online. and one of my best friends met the guy she has been dating for over 5 years online. so many real sucess stories!! wahoo!!
Awesome!!! Thanks for sharing Lauryn 🙂
Dude seriously.. you read my mind.. I tried to email you the other day but it didn't work because I want you to vlog about this topic. Thanks for sharing! Praying for you and the africa team.. say a little prayer for my family in Uganda if you go there.. Its my hubby's desire but not sure it is Lords will if we should go one day!
Here's my thinking. It creeps me out. But so does dating ANYONE I dont already know. I know that everyone views life through filters. And my filters are a horrible and abusive relationship with a guy I was with for a year before we were married. I really thought I knew him. He fooled not only me but also my family and friends. And we were introduced by a mutual friend! So there is a part of me now that thinks, ANYONE could be crazy.,.. whether you meet them online or anywhere else. Have you seen the new movie "Killers"? (a little spoiler alert here)… in the movie, people are planted in their lives to take them out. kill them. So they start being attacked by people they think they know and love. I know this is a movie and it isn't reality, but I think that anyone can hold up an act for a certain length of time. Getting to know someone WITHOUT the pressure of dating… in a friendship setting… and making sure the people around you get to know them… and you get to know the people they surround themselves with… and above all else, looking for God's guidance. I think those are the things that are important… not where you meet them. Because the guy on eHarmony that "might" be crazy… could live next door to you!
Safe travels to Africa!! I will be praying for you and your team!!
(sigh) OK. I've got to admit that I've reached the point where using the 'I'm not ready, it's not time, getting over the last one…." stuff has crossed the line into excuse because seriously…..the thought of getting back in the dating pool? (sigh) I'm not an expert on what *does* work, but I think I've got what *doesn't* work down to an art form in this area. 😉
So I'll just listen. 😉
Love,
deb
Too cute! Thanks for sharing Deb, I knew I wasn't the only expert on what doesn't work…
e-Hug!
I am one of those success stories that you hear about. I am engaged to be married in October to a wonderful man who I met online. I have been a single mom for the past few years.. working full time AND going to school. I'm not particularly fond of some of the manners in which to meet a man these days and found the internet to be a very useful tool. What I loved about it was that I could really get a feel for what was important to someone based off of what they talked about. I also enjoyed the fact that the men were able to see upfront that I had a child and that I knew they were okay with it or the contact never would have continued. I emailed my now fiance' for a couple of weeks before we met and I was able to really get to know him past simple chit chat over dinner. I was able to really experience his creativity and see an incredibly intelligent man! Our first date turned out to be the best date I've ever had and ended up being 12 hours long!
I do agree that maybe internet dating isn't for everyone and there certainly are positives and negatives. I sure did meet a fair amount of strange people but that isn't any different than meeting someone face to face and finding out after you've spent more time and money that they were not compatible for you. Like you said~ there are some basic principles and things that you must require and not bend on.. you can learn about some of these things right off the bat by simply emailing and communicating.
I believe everything happens for a reason~ and I truly believe God brought my fiance' into my life for a reason~ I felt that from the moment I first read an email from him.. solidified when we met~ and completely confirmed when he asked me to marry him! I feel so blessed that God brought us together!
I've heard both sides – one friend of mine found the man of her dreams and they've now been happily married for several years … another didn't meet anyone special and started dating an old friend and they are getting married next month. One thing I would like to see change is people's opinion of online dating. I have several girlfriends who have confided in me that they want to try it, but feel that its giving up on "regular" dating and its some sort of cop out. They are very embarrassed about admitting they want to try it. Is it really so bad? Why does everything think it is especially when there are so many success stories?
I too would like to know why there is such a negative opinion/judgement on those who choose to try online dating. A guy I met signed up on match.com and I asked him why (he's very attractive, social, intelligent-Masters in literature, responsible, financially stable, etc). I was very curious because he is someone that has NO trouble whatsoever talking to a girl in any kind of setting. His answer was something to the effect of:
Online dating is another resource for meeting people. People use family, friends, coworkers, business events, networking events to meet new people all the time. Someone who knows someone introduces you to a potential date, or you swap business cards with someone that sparks your interest or you see someone that catches your eye and makes good conversation at a bar, party, bookstore, wherever! Those are all resources, why not add online dating as a resource?
I think a lot of people view online dating as a last resort for those that just can't "hold on to someone" or for people that don't have polished social skills, but I don't agree with this view at all. But I can see why people would hold back from announcing it to the world if they are dating online.
People judge.
Christians judge.
I have a friend that just married this month, after meeting her husband a few years ago on an online dating site. I actually considered recommending it a few single and "saved" girlfriends of mine.
I was able to meet my husband "traditionally", but from what I hear, it is not easy out there in the dating world now-a-days.
I say, do what works! Just use wisdom.
I am a single mom working a full time job and growing my photography business on the weekends. When I "go out" (which is rare), it is to spend time with girlfriends, catching up and enjoying each others company. Trying to meet a man is not even a thought. I just don't have the time to "find someone" conventionally. I've recently toyed with the idea of online dating. I tried it out many years ago, but with no success. Now it's just a matter of time, pride and budget.
Very well put my friend. I think this is going to be very helpful and informative for a lot of people. Jesus does it again. Using you to shed light on taboo topics. Praying for you guys, go save the world my friends!!
I just recently jumped back on the dating wagon with trying out eHarmony. I like the opportunity of using it because it doesn't allow direct searching of every available person in an area. As a mom of a toddler, who is scraping together a new photography business…and living in a small town…and being a Christian who doesn't frequent the bar scene…it is virtually impossible for me to meet a good man! I am giving it one month to see what happens…I figured it couldn't hurt!
Bianca, I'll definitely be praying for your trip to Africa!! I hope you are blessed!
Three of my close friends (2 were Christians) met & were married from online dating. For a while, it worked for me. I met an amazing man of God through eHarmony & relocated to a house in the city he lived in b/c we wanted to plan for marriage. He has since asked for space and time to figure things out, & I believe God has me waiting for His great plan and not mine 🙂 So, I wait – for whoever God has for me. *If you read this, feel free to send up a quick prayer about it!*
I will say this – what I LOVED about my experience with internet dating was that by the time I actually met my guy, I felt like I already knew him. We emailed back & forth for a week before talking on the phone, then spent a week talking on the phone before we met. We had wonderful, heartfelt conversations about ourselves and our faith and families before we ever met. We covered topics that may have taken MONTHS to get to, had we met the 'traditional' way.
Thanks for starting the conversation, Bianca!! And, congrats again on the engagement 🙂
Lord Jesus: Please give Mary the courage to trust your good and perfect timing. Please speak to her clearly as she waits for You to show her what path to take, decisions to make, and course to follow. If this is the man for her, please strengthen him and enable him to be the spiritual leader he needs to be in order to be a godly husband for Mary. If he is not the one, please give Mary peace of mind and peace in her heart. All in all, may this time of waiting draw her closer to you. In the precious name of Jesus Christ, AMEN.
Cindy, thank you so much 🙂 You echoed the prayers of my heart!
I used to be majorly opposed to online dating services. That's until my brother met someone whom we all love, not sure if there are wedding bells yet or not but she's a wonderful person. And I agree with Diandra, that crazy could be living next door so you, it's like anything it's how you choose to filter
Oh wow, can't believe you just posted this Bianca haha! I had no idea you met Matt through online dating. That's so cool. (Congrats again!!) I just signed up for eHarmony about a month ago and met someone last week (next date this weekend!). I don't have time to get out a ton and meet guys, so I think it can be a great way for some people who aren't commonly in situations where they would be introduced to people. I think it's a great process, and it can save one trouble from going on many dates finding a person has these certain "cannot stands" whereas, with online dating, sometimes you can find out these characteristics a lot sooner. You can also find out what sort of relationship they want to pursue before meeting too. I think all these things are really helpful and can save someone going through a ton of first dates that just don't work. 🙂
Just something else I wanted to contribute. I was at first really nervous about finally meeting in person. I prayed a lot about it though and prayed that I would feel relaxed and safe about it all if it was. (Actually, I prayed that God would make it so obvious to me that I would be like brutally sick nervous if it was against his will haha!!) I believe he also spoke to me through reading the Bible, because the day I asked for reassurance, I came to Matthew 6:25 in my daily readings and it was the passage "Do Not Worry." I was still nervous before meeting, but the good/excited/eager sort! And it all went great. So that's just my encouragement for others to talk to God about it and pray for his guidance. 🙂
I see nothing wrong with online dating services if they are used with wisdom.
I have tried Match.com in the past and loved it. My first and only date was a total click. With sparkles. What follows has nothing to do with how we met, but though we did not marry, and 4 years of the relationship were turbulent, we both got saved in the process.
I am 28 and single now, but I don't think I personally will use online dating again. Mainly because I don't want to be in control anymore. I want to trust G-d completely to bring the right person in my life if it is His will, or to keep me content in singleness, if it is His will. Meanwhile – I would like to grow in intimacy with Him and in obedience to Him.
By the way, “Master, Mission, Mate” – little book, easy read, wonderfull ideas very relevant to the "dating" dilemma.
I've used every dating website there is. Name it, I've used it. I got so involved in my church with the hopes of meeting a special lady. Online dating caused me more stress, anger and frustration than anything. I went on so many first dates. There'd times I swore of online dating and then within a few months I'd try it again claiming a different attitude. I got the same results. Then when I asked out women I served with a church they were just plain rude. They would not return my calls. Listen I'm no weirdo. I'm not Brad Pitt and I'm not tall. But I'm not repulsive either. All of this has left me feeling very sad, depressed and hopeless that I'll ever find a woman. I've prayed until the cows come home that the Lord would lead me to someone. I've already been using the suggestions you mention. I've started going to a new church (for many reasons) with the hopes that I'll have a better experience. When I hear these stories about meeting online I don't understand it. How come it never worked for me? I wish I had a dating surgeon who could pinpoint exactly what I'm doing wrong and remove those behaviors. I am not supposed to be single. I do not have the gift. Now I've become so obsessed with meeting a woman I can't even enjoy my time being single.
Which church do you go to, seriously? I'm a resonably attractive christian female who wonders if she's invisible to the guys.
Hi Paul,
I'm really sorry to hear that your overall dating experience has been frustrating. I'm also very sorry to hear that the women in the church that you've asked out did not decline gracefully. As sisters we do need to consider the feelings of our brothers in all aspects! I'm sure you've heard it before, but I want to throw this out there (it's the TNIV version):
I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the LORD's affairs–how he can please the LORD. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world–how he can please his wife–and his interests are divided… I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the LORD.
–Paul (1Cor 7.32-35)
I love this translation because it uses the word "concern." Be free from concern. Dating, loneliness, marriage, etc can be such a heavy burden on our shoulders! But the Lord wants you to be free of that so that you can be freely devoted to him! You said yourself that you can't even enjoy your time being single and that you've prayed till the cows come home… but I humbly ask you one question, "Have you listened to the Lord's response to your prayers?" I've been single for a year and half (after being in a VERY committed relationship for 4 years) and it has been a long, painful, road that has yielded much growing in my walk. 🙂
I'll leave you with this:
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
–Paul (Romans 12:12)
e-Hug!
Hey guys, well if you think it's a taboo topic, try even mentioning it in Mexico… it's just not even talked about. I'm leaving my comment kinda late because the post got me thinking all day, and at first I thought that going into online dating is a little desperate (I mean no offense with this, please forgive I'm trying to know your opinion also) because in my mind it's like taking the pen from God's hand and trying to write a love story in my own strength and I feel that is no trusting God (again if you think I'm overreacting I would like to know your opinion. Maybe it's the romantic in me who still believes that romantic stories can blossom in the traditional way, and then I look into my hectic schedule and say to my self "Girl with this lifestyle it's never going to happen" but then my mind gets back into the promises, caring and loving details of God in my life and remind my self that if God cares about all the other areas in my life He also cares about our feelings and our heart and fulfilling all our dreams of having a husband or wife. So as you can see I'm still wondering what's the way to go. For now, all I know is that I'm trusting a loving and caring God and He knows the desires of our hearts! So, am I the only crazy for thinking this way???
I'll be praying for you and your team in Africa! Love and Blessings!!
Jess
Hi Jess…I know what you mean, I'm mexican (and living in Mexico) and it's not even mentioned here. But here's my opinion. First, according to INEGI there are 4,408,159 christians (protestant & evangelical) in the country, It's not mentioned how many of them women and how many of them are men, but, from what I can see in my area, it's mostly women. So, truth be told, I've a whealtier position than the average "christian" in my area, meaning, i've had access to better education, been exposed to many cultures, been able to travel, read, experience a lot tru that. So, currently, I have no church, for man different reasons such as relocating recently. I've dated 3 guys, and only one of them was Christian, we were to young, things didn¡t worked, long story short, he got married before he was 20.
All those circumstances made me consider online dating, because yes, I spend several hours behing a laptop screen, and yes, for every 15 young women attending Youth service there was only one, I repeat, ONE guy attending church. And regullary, they were younger than me. I knew I was not going to find many options here. Simply because christian guys in my area are not willing to aproach me because of predjudices, such as: I have better education than them, I definitely earn more than them, and things like that.
One weekend I found myself alone, in front of a computer, so I prayed "God, you gave me an open mind (and heart) about trying this, I'm not going to aproach a guy, if a guy aproaches me, ok, I'll consider it, but I dont want to push things, please if there's a godly man out here, give him direction to lead, to initiate, to courtship, I'm only going to do 2 things, suscribe here, and pray, may Your will be done". Long story short, 3 weeks later, I was about to close my profile, the guys tha aproached me seemed either weird, or vain, I was sick of that, then, a guy got my atention, he initiated the communication, 4 weeks later I'm about to travel to meet him, I've asked God to give me peace, and He has given it to me.
Do I recommend online dating? Depends…it's not for everyone
Does online dating makes things more "unromantic"? no, it doesnt, trust me, there are several ways to be romantic.
I think it's only a resource, for me it was a great tool to find guys willing to lead, to initiate. I was so frustrated here, but then again, I've never felt I fitted here.
God gave me a "think outside the box" mind for a reason, and if He gives you dreams, it's because He can turn those dreams into reality.
I think it's great to hear and read about online dating success stories! Admittedly, it's definitely something that scares me. I'll never judge people who do it, in fact, I applaud them for their courage!
I know I posted before…but, I have a question. I am pretty traditional when it comes to letting the guy make the first move…should we be that way online? If I see someone I am interested in, should I wait…or contact him first?? Just interested in other's thoughts. Thanks!!!
I say go for it. It's better to know than not. Why play a game or make your mind think it is? You never know if you don't try. It's not like you are trying to control the relationship or a person. If they don't respond….their lost. If you nervous about it, give a day or two then see how you feel.
I have a couple friends that have met their now fiance's online – each were engaged within a year or less of meeting. I've thought of trying it out myself…haven't hit the complete courage part yet but I'm close – I like face to face initial meetings of people better (and I have approached a guy before). I've heard good things about eHarmony. I saw do whatever works for you and what you are comfortable with. Whether that be online, in person, being the first to contact online or in person…just be you.
Thanks for opening the topic Bianca! Blessings to you and your group in Africa!!
I agree with Saggleo. Go for it Kelli! Just because you initiate an email conversation doesn't mean you're a feminazi who burns bras at beach bonfires, never shaves her legs, or refuses to have doors opened for her! LOL
Also, there are sooo many people on these dating sites that I'm guess just because you've seen someone who sparks your interest doesn't mean they've had the chance to check out your profile or that you've come up on their end of the search. Like Saggleo said, "you never know until you try." What's there to lose other than 5 minutes to write something along the lines of "Hi I'm Kelli and you're a pretty interesting person. Check out my profile and let me know if you'd like to get to know me."
Courage! Hehehe!
One additional point that I want to convey after reading the thoughts of others~ is that perhaps God DOES lead people to each other online. There are a lot of things that have to go right when you meet online~ and it is only through God (IMHO) that those things fall in line like they do. I WHOLEHEARTEDLY believe that God had a hand in me meeting my fiance' that I met online! There are no coincidences!
Amen to that! God has His hand over every part of our lives. God is so good that if it matters to us, it matters to him. I mean, just look at the first miracle (water to wine at a wedding party).
Was someone dying? Sick? Demon possessed? Starving? Nah. But Jesus calls us friends, and He looks out for His own.
😀
I met my boyfriend of 5 years in a chat room. I wasn’t even participating in any discussion, the room was just open while I was on the phone with my best friend. I received an IM which looked like it could be spam and I went to click ignore and accidentally opened it. It wasn’t spam so I replied and we spent the whole night talking. When I first met him in person, I wasn’t entirely sure that I wanted to meet him and even by the end of the night I wasn’t convinced. But we talked every night and there was this empty part of me that didn’t feel empty anymore. He became my best friend. The difficult part was telling people how we met, because at the time it wasn’t as ” accepted” as it is today. One of my really good friends expressed how “desperate” and “sad” even “icky” the online thing was, so the real story of how we met is still only privy to some. I think that God can lead you to the right people through any medium.
I would love to see a sample of what you had on your eharmony profile. Survey, etc…? Blessings and I am praying for you and the team in Africa!
I am also a sucess story. I met my husband also on eHarmony. The funny thing is once we got to talking on the phone we realized we had met 10 years earlier back in highschool. It helped knowing that we had met before and knew some of the same people so I did not think he was crazy or anything. After being on the sight for over 6 months he was my first date (partly because I was out of the country for three of them) but I found that guys seemed to be more willing to chat online than actually go out on a real date. That was why my husband sparked my interest so much at first. He wanted to move past the internet thing and really go out. I think the internet is a great way other than church, school, work to meet people who have common interests and goals. You do have to be carful but coming from being divorced and meeting my first husband in highschool and through church you have to be careful no matter what.
Wow..that's trippy that you'd met back in the day and came in contact again years later. Very cool! That happened to a friend of mine – she ran into an old boyfriend in Dunkin Donuts one morning..on his last day going to that DD b/c of a new job he'd be starting the next week, and she never went in (her sister or brother-in-law would) on their morning drive to work…and he recognized her. They were married a year later. No internet connection but a Higher Power was definitely at work there.
How cool! Ok, so John and I met online ! I talk about our story in my about page. There were so many questions I got from women on "is online dating for Christians wrong" and if not "how do you do online dating" that I wrote a whole series on it.
John and I met on ChristianMingle and married last year. For me, the most important part of the process was not "which" online dating tool you used, but what state your heart was in as you entered into the dating process… God had to do a lot of work on me before he brought John to me… it was years of hard work… but it was so worth it!
Am lonely n I need someone to date
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