The plane fluttered about and my cup of water gently rippled from the turbulence. I grabbed Matt’s hand and smiled at him. What are you thinking about, he asked. I replied with a shrug. Bianca, I can tell when you are thinking about something that scares you because you get sentimental. I released his hand and rolled my eyes like the strong, independent woman I claim to be.
He laughed and reached for my hand again.
I tightly crossed my arms over my chest like the immature, sensitive child I’m embarrassed to be.
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. You’re just really touchy when you think about stuff that scares you. He was right. In a succession of conversations amalgamated into one, I poured out my fear and doubt about the discussion of soul mates. The turbulence made me think of plane crashes. Which made me think of dying. Which made me think of Matt. Which made me think of our marriage. Which made me think of our wedding. Which made me think of our six-month engagement. Which made me think of our 13-month dating period. Which made me think it was too short. Which made me think maybe—just maybe—I’m not Matt’s soul mate.
I don’t like cleaning. I’m not financially organized. I don’t like baseball. I don’t like the cold. I don’t like action films or comic heroes. I don’t like change. I don’t like decision-making. I don’t like, I don’t like, I don’t like…
Two weeks ago my sister belted out a diatribe about her belief in the cosmic, kismet matching of one person, your soul mate, in what is truly considered love. I was there the day she met her husband, the day they went on their first date, the first time he kissed her, the day he broke her heart, the day he asked her back into his heart, the day he proposed, the day they got married, and the day around the dinner table almost 15 years later. If there were ever a pair of soul mates, it would be them.
On the plane I thought about the conversation and wondered if my Matthew found his soul mate and I mine. He kissed my hand, which he uncoiled from my arm, and said, You have this fear because you’re not sure you married your soul mate. Don’t worry. I married mine, so by default you did too!
By default?! Oh, sweet Lord! I married a lawyer! His answer wasn’t enough for me. I had to do my own research and find my own answer to the perennial question: Do soul mates really exist?
Though I love Plato and his Socratic wisdom, this view is not substantiated in the bible. The only match I could attribute to soul mates was Adam and Eve. She was bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh, a perfect match for him. But was she half of him? Was she bore from his soul? Or was she formed by God’s hand as one suitable for Adam?
Though I don’t believe in Platonic soul mates, there is something in the idea of soul mates that I’m holding on to. Call it romantic or idealistic or lunatic, there is something about idea of soul mate that resonates deep within. A partnership inseparable, unbroken, perfectly matched to fit together after wandering the earth for your other half.
In Mark 10:7-8 we learn that when a husband and wife marry, they become one flesh: “ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one.” One flesh? Two parts making one flesh? Do you SEE THIS?! It’s soul mates. However, it is the marriage covenant that solidifies the union, the partnership, the wandering other half to meet the kismet match of divine orchestration!
I may not like budgets or laundry or baseball, nor have I been with my partner for 15 years, but I love Matt who owns a piece of my soul. When I’m not around him, a piece of me is missing. When he frustrates me, inordinate grace must be extended because he is a part of me. When I’m banished to the other side of the unknown world, he will find me… because he is my soul mate.
Do you believe in soul mates? Why or why not?
I think about this a lot (leave me alone!) and I think the older I get, the less and less I believe in this idea of two people completing each other. I am coming to realise more and more that love, marriage, lifetime commitment isn’t some form of magic that happens between two people – it is a choice that two people make. Standing in front of God, friends and family commiting lives to each other isn’t submitting to destiny or legalising God’s plan – it is commiting to do the work it requires to love someone for the rest of our lives. Which doesn’t really answer your question I guess.
I think I still hold on to the idea that there is someone out there for each of us meant not to be alone – but it’s less Disney movie and more God’s hand in our creation and journeys and our submission to the reality of making that work.
And it’s beliefs like that which have probably left me where I am today….overthinking it all because I have FAR too much time on my hands.
To clafiry – I don’t think two people are perfect for each other as much as two people make the decision to be perfect for each other and see each others imperfections as perfection.
Preach it!
I believe in soulmates but people think that means I believe in “fairy tales”.
This is the hardest! As a loveeeeee love stories, this has been challenging to keep at bay. I know, I know, this is cheesy, but my Matthew has become so much of a gentle prince to me that deep down inside I want to live happily ever after. [I really need to grow up! ;)]
I believe in soul mates…you just have to work hard at keeping them that way! 😉
Never more than ever do I believe you. Thanks for pushing me to find the answer 🙂
1 – Very few people have what your sis has. I mean, how many of us would even want to be married to our HS boyfriend? Ew. Those two sure got lucky! 2. It’s not based on time. Seth and I got married 8 months after we met – 5 of which we were engaged – So, we totally beat you and Matt. Not that it’s a race; but if it were, we’d win! Win, win, win 😉 3. Soul mate? J* is SUCH a romantic! It’s an occupational hazard 😉 But what I think you see is two people who have grown like two trees that lean against one another, but always face out. It’s the best way to support your partner’s dreams and ambitions. Marriage unifies us, but it’s that ability to help your partner grow – be it in their creative space, as a mother, as a community leader, etc, – that makes a relationship thrive. That’s what I think a soul mate is: Someone who dares you to be better and loves you for it, instead of fearing it.
Ok – I typed this on my phone. Hope it makes sense 🙂
Ps – you and Matt, like Seth and I, were “matched” after several algorithms were run in our questionnaires/personality tests. I kind of laugh that Seth + Aimee = Perfect Match. Who knew math was so romantic ;).
You know, that whole “one flesh” thing in Scripture has always bothered me because it says “flesh” and says nothing about our “soul”. I believe God has a plan for me and saw it long before I ever existed. I believe my husband is my “soul mate” but my husband doesn’t believe in soul mates… so that makes for some interesting discussions. I guess “we’ll understand it better by and by”, right? One day Jesus is going to tell us our story and it will make perfect sense.
The first time we went on a road trip, but my man came out of the gas station with a Hershey’s bar in his hand as a snack for me, I knew he as my soul mate. 🙂
Seriously though, I think that our souls are fickle and selfish…. so as we both grow closer to God, our souls stay connected. He’s the glue.
that is 100% true for me and my husband, God is the glue! cause growing in God and purpose causes us to draw closer to each other and deny our selfish ways. I didn’t realize i had selfish ways and thought i was spiritual but MAN! i need to grow up sometimes.
I think believing in the notion of soulmates sometimes can set up relationship to fail…there are many unromantic moments that couples have to go through: paying bills, setting a budget, etc..and Disney only shows us the story till the girl gets her boy and ta da HAPPY!!!
People are people and sometimes fail and how many soulmates does a person get? one, two? can we try till we find the right person? or are we limited to one great love? this is a tough one
I had this happily ever after sense of marriage and was wrong cause I had a lot of conflict the first years of marriage. I was not good at working through our problems, I always wanted to leave. I confess that a few times I told hubby I wanted out cause things were not working out and I wasn’t happy.
To my surprise, he said he would sign the papers cause he would do anything to make me happy.
I believe that if my spouse can handle my drama and love me with a deep unconditional love, he has to be my soul mate. I am also learning to keep our relationship unique and to praise him more for who he is. I shouldn’t be comparing us with other couples. My hubby and I are like day and night but its been a good balance.
i believe that God has ordained one man to one women, how you find that one “soul mate” is totally reliance, faith, trust and patience on the Lord. B, You and Matt are without a doubt the perfect couple, I love hearing your voice through your blogs, I love u (your such a diva)
The popular response to this in most recent and popular books about marriage (“Love and War” by John and Stasi Eldredge, “the Meaning of Marriage” by Tim Keller) assert that our definition of someone who is “perfect” for us and God’s definition is that we think the person perfect for us will be perfectly compatible in all the most important ways, but that God’s definition is that the perfect person for us is the one who is going to be best able to make us more into the person God made us to be. So not liking baseball or laundry or finances, in no way shape or form, means that you’re not Matt’s soulmate. I think you’re perfect for each other. And he’s a total catch, so don’t even waste your time stressing! Start thanking God that he likes finances, and laundry, and baseball and that that makes him eternally perfect for you.
I believe in it. I know I married my soul mate. He loves me with all my flaws, baggage, errors, and insecurities. He continues to date me, and loves me and forgives me. I am the same with him. We both prayed that if it was not God’s will for us to unite, then to part us. And instead we grew closer and stronger with each, trial, storm, disagreement, and dissapointment. God is good, and he wouldn’t want you to cleave to a partner whom he didn’t plan for you. That’s why we seek his guidance and wisdom for our lives.
I would like to believe in soulmates, but I worry, that I lost mine. After nearly twenty years together, everbody of us two went his own way. What happend? I don’t know. The half of my Life we went togehter, now I have to go alone… 🙁
I hope you will make it…
Love from germany,
Markus
i don’t really believe in soul mates in the traditional sort of way, but that reference to the one scripture makes sense of it in a way…
i love this lady’s discussion about “the one”, soul mate stuff, and all that. it’s quite a bit choice-related in the end, methinks.
http://guidetowomen.wordpress.com/2010/10/20/the-one/
I don’t believe in / agree with the concept of soulmates, like there is one person for every person. I think many people could be happily married to many people. I think the person you choose BECOMES your soulmate, because you choose them, and they choose you. We choose who to unite our souls to, therefore, we choose our soulmates. Maybe that doesn’t make me a romantic, but I’m okay with that. Being married often isn’t romantic, but it sure is holy.
To be honest, I don’t know. I know I’ve seen couples who are absolutely perfectly suited for each other, and then I’ve seen couples like my parents who were basically placed in an arranged marriage even though they have so little in common (and yet have been married for over 35 years). And then there was my failed marriage, which was based on fear and nothing to do with love.
I think part of my confusion is colored by the fact that my perfectly suited mate hasn’t shown up. I want to believe that he’s going to come my way at some point, but what if he doesn’t?
I believe in compatibility. There are 6 billion people in the world and I don’t believe you’d be a perfect match for just ONE individual. You choose who you want to be with, after taking into account what you do/don’t like, will/won’t put up with, etc.
Okay, I’m thinking I’m really cool right now.
Annieblogs linked to you and I got here and said (loud) to my hubby, “this girl looks like this photographer, jasmine star. how weird. Maybe they’re sisters?”
LOL and then I see you linked to your sister!!!
SO cool.
Love your writing and your heart for God, B!
Thanks, Marcia!