Dear Matthew,
Six months ago today, I ran down route 246 to the Santa Ynez mission, fell to my knees, and wept in the rose garden. I knew I wanted to marry you, but for a fleeting moment I was scared. Scared that you would leave me, scared you would reject me, scared that you would find out all there was to know about me and be bored. Or unamused. Or unattracted.
This morning I celebrate six months of falling forward and flailing towards each other and God. Marriage has been the hardest yet most rewarding thing I’ve ever had to do.
My aversion to conflict and struggle has been—shall we say—challenged in marriage. Delusion and dreams kept me holding on to perfect sunsets and happy endings and flittering fairies. But vocalized opinions and shed tears and a horrible inability to always get my way has proven to be great lesson while clutching to God’s promises in the midst of debating how long it would take to pack up my half of the house.
But beauty is birthed in struggle. And struggle makes us stronger; it builds us up and deepens our faith. I’ve discovered our maturity is strengthened when we stand and face conflict… not run from it. I don’t want to be a runner anymore. I want to stand in front of our giants and face them with you by my side.
Thank you for relentlessly pursuing me to resolve problems, pushing me harder than anyone has, and holding me to the standards set only by myself. As I left the Santa Ynez mission on September 7th, 2010, I vowed to God that I would stay with you until I exhaled my last breath or God removes you from me. I’ve kept my promise and will continue to uphold my vow until my very last breath…
Here’s to falling forward, redeeming our stories, and writing great adventures!
I love you more than anything in the whole wide world,
Bianca Olthoff
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