Writing in retrospect and speaking in hindsight is easy because processing has already occurred. Everything is neatly placed into emotional containers and labeled alphabetically. Anger [here], Bitterness [here], Comfort [here]. But being in the moment and speaking in-the-now is messy and revealing and lonely. Where is the Holiness container? I put it here last week and now I can’t find it?! Why is Confusion open? I dead bolted the lock on this one!
This is my now.
I said I felt deaf. Or worse like an orphan, abandoned and alone. She asked if there was sin in my life. The response was an indignant no. She asked if I was sure. Then I cried because the only thing I did know was that I didn’t know.
What is wrong? Why can’t I get it together?! For crying out loud, I’m a professional Christian! I get paid to speak the knowledge of Christ and enforce rules and chide sin and do all things holy, right?
Millions of questions with insufficient answers wanes hope and wearies the soul. Questions of doubt and frustration internally percolate and bubble loudly, deafening any Divine reasoning. I’m alone, unloved, and spiritually deaf. I’m drowning in wonder and suffocating from silence. What am I suppose to do?
She bathed me with God’s words. God will never leave you or forsake you. I have loved you with an everlasting love. Cry out to me and I will hear you. I have a plan for you. Be still and know…
What am I suppose to do? Hold onto what I do know. Even in silence.
I believe in the sun is shining even if I don’t see it. I believe in love even when I am alone. I believe in God even when He is silent.
Our Bible study has been going through a book by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, "Life Together". Chapter 3 would relate to you about silence and its importance in prayer and time alone with God…just a thought while trying to help from 1800 miles away here in Iowa:)
Love. It.
Thanks for your care and concern. I can't wait to rip into that Bonhoeffer book!
i'm there with you, my friend.
which means… neither of us are alone.
for you and bianca:
Zeph 3:17 The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”
i pray you both hear His songs of rejoicing and love over you.
Patricia and Alece, thanks so much for the encouragement. Life is good. It really is… it's just a weird season. Thanks for the support 🙂
thank you for being so honest Bianca!!!! This is such an encouragement!
Honest is the only thing I can be. I'm a horrible faker and a worse liar. 🙂 Thanks for caring…
I talked to a few friends in my Bible study about some of these things last night…thank you for sharing!
It was my pleasure. Thanks for the support and affirmation that I haven't lost my mind. 🙂
wow, had this exact conversation last night with my sweet friend – seeking and hear nothing – started to panic in the silence and now I will choose to rest in it. thank you
I needed to hear just these things today. Thank you!
Going to pray for you Bianca. I have been there and am still there at any given moment. I find myself doubting God, are you really going to take care of us, why is this happening, it is the silence that He says, " my child, I love you and I will never leave you nor forsake you". My husband is in out of work constantly, he is in construction. I often want to scream, why not another profession, more stable, but God reminds that He has indeed given him that gift and it is not me that is in control, but the Lord! I recently commented on your blog, saying that he was out of work, he was getting laid off that day I wrote you, he came home, he never got laid off. That was two weeks ago, the Lord allowed him to stay a bit longer, he is getting laid off this Friday….he got a call to start a new job this coming Monday! How good is our God! Yet, I doubt him and feel like life is a whirlwind often! The truth is, I can call the shots but ultimately He is complete control and my shots don't stand a chance. I pray that I will not waiver like the wind, but indeed be firmly planted on the ROCK, the solid ROCK! Praying the same for you sister 🙂 All the way in NY!
i totally get you andrea! My husband is an electrician and we always seem to struggle, especially durin the holidays…and yes i alsways ask too, "maybe you should find some other profession"…but as much as i stress, doubt, panic.,…God always provides….
Yes indeed He does! The winter is the worst the months, but God is totally in control! Will pray for you and your husband.
Andrea,
What an awesome praise report! God continues to be faithful.. especially when we’re not!! Amen sis!!
Norma
So rad!
i think we all go through this…some of us (meaning me) more than others…i am so encouraged to see that a professional christian goes through the same things that this barely keeping up christian does…"why can't I get it together" seems to have been my motto for 2010…i am here with you, we all are…but most importantly HE is…thanks for sharing and know that i am praying for you:)….
Boy, the silence can be a really hard trial to go through. It's a time where if you're not careful you can descend into a cycle of beating yourself up. When you mentioned your friend asked if there was sin in your life, I cringed. I hate that when we face times of silence the first question that seems to inevitably be asked of us is about sin in our life. Yet I'm coming to believe that God gives us times of silence as a way to grow our faith in Him even if there is no "sin" in our life that's causing a problem. Silence to just be together. How many times when you're with your husband (or in my case, my wife) where you just lay in silence and just be? I don't feel abandoned and alone in that silence because I know she's there. I've just had to breakthrough with God to know when I can't hear him just like in those moments with my wife…He's there.
Yeah, it doesn't always make it easier. I'm in a season of getting God to speak in places I didn't expect and staying silent in the places I want Him to talk. It has gotten a little easier, though, knowing He's there in the silence.
Thanks for the empathy! I love and appreciate it, J.
Do you know why you are such a successful professional Christian? Because you keep it real!
This is beautiful Bianca, when the silence is deafening the answers are often at their loudest 🙂
Sometimes real comes with a cost, you know? 🙂 I love the support and encouragement, Suzanne!
Of course it does – but, I know this won't help now but it might soon, the price is well worth the people you reach because of it, right?
There's light – and soon there will be a voice.
Thank you for a very transparent blog. I've walked through a long season of silence. In fact I'm just coming out of that season. As I look back to what I thought was the hardest time in my spiritual life, I see depth, width, vivid colors and amazing grrowth with my Daddy. I couldn't see it while I was in the midst. What felt like a valley experience turned out to truely be a mountaintop experience. No doubt though, It's a workout to get to the top!
Hang in there. Praying for ya.
Thanks for your prayers 🙂 I'm not lying when I say I've felt them!!!
A couple of years ago, I had just taken a leave of absence from Seminary and was experiencing an overwhelming "spiritual desert" that was completely foreign and unknown. Dry. Empty. Silent. Alone. I wandered in seemingly aimless directions and Scripture seemed to lose its voice. During that time, one of the elders at my church said something to me similar to the following, "Although it may feel dry now, if you continue to trust God through the desert, you will look back at this time and realize that this was an important and precious season of drawing close to the Lord in a completely different way." I carried that wisdom with me. And he was right. Now able to speak in retrospect, I came to know the Lord so much more intimately as I trusted through the dryness. It was hard. But it was SO worth it.
This wisdom was stolen from you and given to me! I needed it and appreciate it 🙂
“I am a friend. Of God!”, was the song I was jamming to this morning. It was perfect since I had a little discouragement about some friends this a.m. then God spoke to me (soft gentle tug of the heart) and reminded that he is the friend that STICKs closer than a brother and understands and loves me just for me.
I love love love this song! Makes me wanna drop whatever I'm doing and clap to the beat!
I just started reading your blog and listening to your podcasts after I saw you speak at HDC in October. As many of your readers have stated before your words are full of encouragement. I have been struggling with this same feeling of being alone and just feeling frustrated of why I felt like that. I have asked that same question, what am I suppose to do? Thanks for the answer. Its so easy to forget the simple answer to that question. I am going to write down what your friend shared so I don’t forget again. I love that verse from that song. Another good song is YOU’RE NOT ALONE by Meredith Andrews, the back story of the reason she wrote the song is kind of what your blog is about. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpGbo7V0QEQ
Thank you so much, sweet Betty!
what does being still mean? need guidance on tha
I have never commented before, but i came across this quote and thought it was to good not to share!!!
“He is nigh when He seems absent. He is watching when He seems blind. He is active when He seems idle.”
-G. Campbell Morgan
WHY haven't you commented? Your comments are awesome! All one of them 😉
bianca, i just had almost this exact conversation with my boyfriend this very morning. i was so distraught, i was sobbing. i've spent most of the day in prayer, reading the Word, and fasting. but i still hear nothing. it's very frustrating and lonely to feel as though the Lord either has nothing to say to me right now or that i'm not listening well enough. i keep wondering if He is mad at me. sigh.
anyway, now i'm praying for both me and you 🙂 please keep us updated… i could dearly use the encouragement.
God is good! It's a season. And I'm growing. And it's good. I'm glad we're not alone 🙂
Bless your sweet heart (my Southern roots coming through). I laughed in sympathy at the "I'm a professional Christian." People pay you to show them what being a Christian looks like. And if you can't show them the inevitable stuggles and dark nights of doubt, then what are they paying you for? If you only show them the sunny times, then people think there is something wrong with them if they suffer, and then they suffer more.
So personally, I think you are earning your pay and bonuses. You are being courageous and honest about what we all feel sometimes. You are showing us what faith really looks like. You are showing us faith that we are in God's embrace whether we feel it or not. This is where faith counts.
So thank you for blessing us with your honesty, your pain, and your hope. When we can be open, then all our hearts link together with the compassion of Christ.
This, too, shall pass. In the meantime, rest in the slience, knowing your are loved.
I feel so comforted reading this post and the comments that follow. I, too was sobbing last night because I feel so empty and alone. I just got married a month ago to an amazing man, but feel alone. It’s me, I know it is. I’m comforted in knowing that God is there and other strong women like yourself go through this as well. I’m praying for you and all of the women who are feeling this way. You’re awesome for your encouragement.
there is a unique ministry in lonliness. God reserved that spot for Him, because there will always be a part in us that will never be fulfilled by anything else. i am in that "sweet" spot now – losing my dad to cancer, losing my mom, brother and sisters due to family division, lies and false accusations, and losing my best friend because of differences. god is cleaning house and he is starting with me. He is preparing me for something so much bigger….even if the "bigger" is to be a better wife, be a loving mom, fold laundry more diligenty or prepare meals with love. i will ride the wave of loneliness too, knowing God is with me and seeks to fill me overflowing with Him. Even if i don't feel it right away, I am going to rejoice with excitment at what is around the bend, because it is already beautiful. I just can't see it with my own eyes yet. praying for both of us.
In September I decided to trust Jesus. I decided to burn my safety net. The academia net that is more commonly known as an M.A. There isn't anything wrong with higher education or with getting an MA of even a PhD. The LORD did speak to me however and made me realize that my faith, my hope, my passion was invested in this degree that I had not yet earned. I dropped out of the program and prayed for what Jesus did want for me. One night I felt that the LORD was telling me to be a middle school teacher. Is this journey of obedience difficult? Absolutely. I feel like I'm Eve. Back in the middle of the garden of Eden and the stupid disgusting snake is taunting me with questions like "will Jesus really provide a job for you?" "How can you teach a bunch of children who are lost, you don't understand things yourself. How will you make the difference in their lives, you are not an inspiring person. You're not even a gregarious person and you want to teach 30+ kids? tsk. tsk. tsk. Stupid girl." The career thing is hard but then comes the more challenging stuff. "Can Jesus really provide a husband for you? Nobody gets you. You are "un-gettable." You'll live with your mom for the rest of your life." And thus the lies continue. Then by the grace of Jesus there are moments when I can hear the voice of Jesus who can only speak truth. He reminds me that He has a future and a hope for me and that it is good because Jesus is good and all that He does, is good.
Hebrews 3:12-13
12 "See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. 13 But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness."
Every day is full of making decision after decision to not believe Satan's lies.
I know its hard…it always will be, but it's always about the choices.
The choice to be joyful, the choice to take the peace God offers, the choice to believe only the truth, no matter how logical and rational the lies seem.
Loving you from afar sis,
Mil
me too…
I'm learning that the silence is prime faith-building time, it pushes us to trust the unseen, the unheard, the incomprehendible.
In a dire season of silence this year, God revealed Himself as El Roi, the God Who Sees, and illuminated the story of Hagar. Even though He saw her affliction and distress, He told her to GO BACK to the place of pain and submit! And yet, through her obedience the entire Arab race was born & thrived. Knowing that He saw, that my obedience was not being ignored recharged my faith in a way that I cannot express. And in the end I was able to look back at the horrible, silent season and say GOD WAS THERE, HE WAS PRESENT THE ENTIRE TIME. Never, not even for a second, has He stop being faithful to you!
…thank you for finding words and courage to share the reality. Thank you for encouraging by revealing that the moments of confusion and questions are normal parts of life, of christian life.
Recently I also had a loong conversation with "sisters" in which so many questions were raised and no answers found – "we don't know and might never know" was the conclussion along with "but we need to hold on to what we DO know".
I'm with you Bianca. And honestly, I get scared of my role as a "professional Christian" when I dont' have it all together. But here's the thing, I like you MORE after reading this, not less. I"m MORE interested in your thoughts on scripture and God and Jesus-living because I know you are REAL. Let's vow together to continue to choose honesty and realness over smoothness and "professional" Christian-ing. I know I need to make that promise to myself.
The "Silence" is never a fun place to be in, but I have learn that it is a privledge for us to be there. I have been at a place on my spiritual walk where my intimacy with Christ was beyond what I could imagine. I heard him speak to me non-stop. I was in a state of "Cloud 9 Christianity." I could feel Him, I could hear Him-there was no silence only continual conversation. Now I have gotten to this point where many call it a "Dry Season" or silence. My perspective has changed when it comes to the silence. I see it now a blessing because it is stretching me in my walk of faith. I can now say I know God not based on my emotions-I know God through the spiritual high and the silence. God has given me the privledge of understaning Him and His power full circle.
Thank you.
Those scary floods in Australia are obviously rather alarming, my pen pal lives in quneensland, Let’s hope shes alright 🙂
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