Writing in retrospect and speaking in hindsight is easy because processing has already occurred. Everything is neatly placed into emotional containers and labeled alphabetically. Anger [here], Bitterness [here], Comfort [here]. But being in the moment and speaking in-the-now is messy and revealing and lonely. Where is the Holiness container? I put it here last week and now I can’t find it?! Why is Confusion open? I dead bolted the lock on this one!

This is my now.

I said I felt deaf. Or worse like an orphan, abandoned and alone. She asked if there was sin in my life. The response was an indignant no. She asked if I was sure. Then I cried because the only thing I did know was that I didn’t know.

What is wrong? Why can’t I get it together?! For crying out loud, I’m a professional Christian! I get paid to speak the knowledge of Christ and enforce rules and chide sin and do all things holy, right?

Millions of questions with insufficient answers wanes hope and wearies the soul. Questions of doubt and frustration internally percolate and bubble loudly, deafening any Divine reasoning. I’m alone, unloved, and spiritually deaf. I’m drowning in wonder and suffocating from silence. What am I suppose to do?

She bathed me with God’s words. God will never leave you or forsake you. I have loved you with an everlasting love. Cry out to me and I will hear you. I have a plan for you. Be still and know

What am I suppose to do? Hold onto what I do know. Even in silence.

I believe in the sun is shining even if I don’t see it. I believe in love even when I am alone. I believe in God even when He is silent.

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