Boys have always alluded me. They are like an enigma. A conundrum. A RuPaul fashion show. No matter how hard I try to make sense of them, my understanding ends up more like a Picasso than a Michelangelo. You know, disjointed, slightly off, and kinda-sorta-weird looking.
As I’m stumbling to understand men (my new husband, my father, my brother, my step-son, my boss, my local grocery market butcher), I’m realizing how short I fall in being gentle with their psyche. As friends, co-workers, spouses, siblings, and Christians, we ought to think highly of others and be understanding of their needs.
Because I love sharing new revelations with my friends (and my trusted eFriends), here’s a list I put together based on a book I’m re-reading from a Harvard researcher and over 4,000 American men.
- Men need respect. Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected.
- Men are insecure. Despite their “in control” exterior, men often feel like impostors and are insecure that their inadequacies will be discovered.
- Men are providers. Even if you personally made enough income to support the family’s lifestyle, it would make no difference to the mental burden men feel to provide.
- Men want more sex. Your sexual desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of his life.
- Men are visual. Even happily married men struggle with being pulled toward live and recollected images of other women.
- Men don’t want to be unromantic. Actually, most men enjoy romance (sometimes in different ways) and want to be romantic—but hesitate because they doubt they can succeed.
- Men care about appearance. You don’t need to be a size 3, but your man does need to see you making the effort to take care of yourself—and he will take on significant cost or inconvenience in order to support you.
If you’re a man, will you PLEASE help me understand why you are the way you are? What ways can we understand you better? Would you agree with the seven revelations Dr. Feldhahn concluded?
The last thing we need is for ME to try to make sense of men.
Disjointed, slightly off, and kinda-sorta-weird looking,
B
Great post and very true. Men need respect for them to love. Women needs love for them to respect men. It's a vicious cycle I tell you! 🙂
I think it's a perfectly healthy and well-balanced cycle. (I know you were kidding *wink*)
so.true.
having been raised by my father since the age of 8 months, i can totally understand so much of this. ESPECIALLY the respect thing. i remember him saying COUNTLESS times (mostly in my teenage years), "all i want is some respect!!"
this is just the way God made them, to complement our ways.
that looks like a GREAT book by the way!
i totally agree with you. men are meant to be different from us, and we are meant to be different altogether… TO COMPLIMENT EACH OTHER 😀 Great point made. knowing all this (from my book) definitely helps me not only in understanding my husband but in my marriage as a whole. Thanks for pointing that out 🙂
love. that. book. even after almost 9 years of marriage, still haven't figured it out! ugh!!!!
what a great post! after living with a man for 4 years I've learned about his defects and instead of lashing out in anger I just laugh. Hi I'm Ana by the way, just started following you a few weeks ago. Your blogs are awesome! great insight!
Welcome, Ana! Good to have you join the conversation 🙂
love it!
I'm going to have to check out this book to see if Dr. Feldhahn is legit, but so far 1-7 are dead on.
#1 is HUGE. Women don't understand the power of their words and actions when it comes to their man.
Men put on armor and do "battle" every day. When we come home to our "castle" we want to take the armor off and be vulnerable. That's hard to do if we feel disrespected or emasculated.
I wrote yesterday about men & stereotypes: http://www.somewiseguy.com/2011/02/ready-to-rock-…
It is an excellent book. I read "For Women Only", which the book B is referencing, as a litmus test to see if "For Men Only" , the book about how to better understand women, was any good. You can generally buy both books together as a pack. I think there is also a communication guide added in, so that you have do-it-yourself marriage tune-ups.
I read "For Men Only" before my wife & I got married.
It's like all the secrets of how their mind works are revealed.
Must have for any man.
Dear Men:
On behalf of my stupid antics, I confess I totally have failed at "knowing" you. You both said respect is huge and I fail at this often (I think most women battle with this). I get that you need respect, but HOW do we give it? I fail in this area constantly!
I don't know if you've read or heard of these books before, but I HIGHLY recommend them:
– Wild At Heart by John Eldredge (should be required reading for every man seeking to understand themselves and every woman seeking to understand her man). Basically every man needs 1) a battle to fight, 2) an adventure to live, and 3) a beauty to rescue.
– Love & Respect by Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs. Men and women see, hear and interpret words and the world around them through different colored glasses.
Specifically on the respect piece I would say 3 things to never do:
1. Make fun of our job
2. Make fun of us in front of others
3. Insult our intelligence
Playful teasing is one thing, but sarcasm and throwing him under the bus is another.
3 things to always do:
1. Call him your hero (just sit back and watch what happens)
2. Need us (even if you can do it yourself)
3. Give him the benefit of the doubt
That's the best I've got on the fly. Much thanks to you for being transparent and really seeking to understand your man.
Taking notes as we speak.. and adding books to my reading list! Thanks KC!
No problem. I'm passionate about being a man and understanding who God made me to be unashamedly.
Sarcastic tip: Don't read books about men written by women. Who's the better subject matter expert? 🙂
I love this book! I read it before I got married and even got the guy's version for my then fiance'. 100% lets you understand guys more! My husband thought "this is what you think?" when he read the guy's book. He had no idea what women were like either!
I NEED this post!!! haha I totally don't understand men sometimes! Thanks so much for helping a sista out! 😉 xoxo
I'm not married, but the book "Love and Respect" by Emmerson Eggerichs (as well as the lectures on DVD) completely changed the way I interact with men. Just gave me a better understanding of how they're wired and how I can best meet their needs (even as a single…though much of the book is geared toward married couples). His whole concept is grounded in Scripture as well as his experience as a psychologist and echoes many of the points you included in this post.
Still doesn't always make sense to me (okay…it often doesn't make sense to me), but making a conscious effort to respect the men in my life and understand what "drives" them has definitely made a difference.
I saw 2 out of the 6 DVDs and LOVED them. I learned so much 🙂
Not quite sure how to take the Rupaul comment 🙂 but as far as point's 1-7 I would say they are spot on. Especially #1 in regards to being respected. One thing I have noticed though as that the more I mature and grow in the area being a spiritual leader for my wife and kids the more their respect and honor towards me grows. See when I first got married ( I know this is going to sound horrible) I just assumed I should automatically be given respect and honor without doing anything to earn it but it hasn't been until recently when I finally realized that the more I become "Christ-like" for my family that respect and honor will by-product of my actions. Hands down one of my favorite people in the Word is King David, here is a man who could destroy entire armies and in the same day write some of the most beautiful songs and poems ever, and I love that about him. This is just my personal belief but today's society is all about making men timid and weak and I think that is so backwards from the way God created us. God created us to fight, to take dominion, to subdue, to multiple but he also knew we couldn't do it alone and gave us a "suitable helpmate." I know for a fact that i couldn't carry out the call of God on my life without every ounce of support from my wife. These are my thoughts, i hope the make sense. Thanks for the post, I think it's excellent.
I LOVE your response, Isaac! I appreciate your voice.
But HOW do I give respect? I know the WHAT, but explain the HOW…
I dunno. These seem pretty simplistic, especially with the "either" "or" scenarios. I think people, in general, want to be with someone who is secure in themselves and makes them feel secure about who they are. It's probably how we communicate these things that makes the difference. Needs are the same, the way we express them and ask for them is the complicated part. Just my two cents. I'm not a psychologist, but I am finishing up my MA in Communication. Obviously, I am coming from a particular field of study 🙂
Thank you for checking out SWG.
Trying to encourage men as dads & leaders while have a few laughs along the way.
Thanks for doing the reading and giving me the main points. I will print and carry with me as a reminder.
I felt convicted because my hubby always gives me affirmation and encouragement and I need to be doing the same.
P.S. Can you make a list out about women so I can show him?
I had to look up the definition of cunundrum and to men, we are a conundrum that they will never understand.
Women need to know what a "Nonversation" is. A "Nonversation" is a good solid man moment between guys or a goup of men when everything gets said but nobody's talking. Men don't need to talk about everything, so there are times when you ladies just need to let things be.
Also, (we had this discussion before B..) When it looks like men (Good Friends) are arguing or even come to blows, that's how they express their themselves to one another sometimes. Unlike women, once the argument or fight is over, it's over and all is forgotten and they're even better and closer friends afterwards. It's how we're wired and what we do. We are not passive aggressive like women are who will hold a grudge for life if you anger them.
These are just two examples of how we are wired.
Hahahahahaha! Jack, I miss you!!! A nonversation is totally weird to me, but I trust you. I've actually seen this at play and I scratch my head in confusion 🙂
I miss you to B!!! I haven't seen or talked to you since you've become Mrs. Olthoff. The last time I saw you was last year on Easter Sunday. But I digress…
A nonversation is real easy to understand. I know women can't seem to grasp the concept that there can actually be a few moments or minutes of silence (GASP!!!) amongst a group of guys when nothing is nor has to be said (e.g. during a game on tv or a during a movie) and that it's alright with us. We understand that the world will not come to an end if nobody says anything for any given amount of time, because we actually like the silence. For whatever reason, women feel the need to fill every second with non stop conversation between each other as if they're going to die if they don't. That's what us men will never understand. How about explaining that to us?
I learned a lot from For Women Only, but it also brought more questions to mind! Those questions led me to Sacred Influence, by Gary Thomas, and Ch 8 of that book led me to What Could He Be Thinking: How a Man's Mind Really Works by Michael Gurian. Both fascinating books… I highly recommend them! I've even been posting about them recently.
So right on! Every part of it is so true. Those are the same things my husband has shared with me.
Brush and floss teeth. AFTER EVERY MEAL. If you're the type of person that likes to talk while eating, stay away from consuming blue-cheese dressing in public. Gross. If you're over 21, don't shop at FOREVER 21! Daytime TV addicts are problematic and uninformed (How to detect one? Ask them what happened recently in Egypt?) Overall, "This Is a Man's world! But it would be nothing, nothing without a woman's love" James Brown.
I wish I would have gotten into this discussion earlier… but I am just catching up now.
You just NAILED Javi to a T. I don't think I said that right but either way… those are all things we have talked about.
As for the respect thing… we have had SO MANY conversations about this, and I have got it down now 🙂 But in talking about what makes a relationship work and last we came up with 3 things:
1. A mutual level of relationship with God. Whether you both don't believe in God… you both are on the fence or (preferably) you both love and serve the Lord… if you are not at the same level of relationship with the Lord… one is always going to be dragging the other and it is going to be difficult.
2. Loving each other. Making a commitment to love each other. Choosing to love each other. Every day. Forever.
3. Respecting each other. I feel like so many relationships that fall apart are because of this. The other two can be true but if there is not a mutual respect, things fall apart. It hurts my heart when I see a woman belittle her man in public. I dont think it is good even behind closed doors, but I of course never see that because I'm not behind their doors 🙂 I think there are ways of dealing with EVERYTHING in which respect can be shown.
I also really like the response that one of the guys gave of how to respect.
I wanted to add a couple of things that I have found seem to work well for us.
(granted this is from a woman's perspective with a little input from our past conversations)
1. Choosing to respect the decisions he makes for our family… even when I'm not sure about them.
2. Supporting his careers (ministry and Army reserves) and the sacrifices he has to make to make it in both of them
3. Telling how much I appreciate the little things. Making a big deal about a card or a phone call or a nice gesture.
4.. NEVER speaking ill of him in front of people… and rather speaking HIGHLY of him in front of people.
5. We laugh and have fun together but not at the expense of each other. This one took some time, because we are both used to teasing and being teased, but we found that it was making us both feel bad to hear it from the other person.
6. Making sure to tell him how much I appreciate the things he does. How hard he works. How nice he looks, How funny his joke is. Telling him what a great dad he is, and a great pastor and a great example. Lifting him up and encouraging him.
This ended up being long… and I'm not even sure anyone will read it since it is so late… but it just got me thinking 🙂
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