There was a lull in the conversation and for a moment I didn’t know what to say. Sitting in my parked car, I held the phone near my ear and listened to her desire. The painfully honest admission of loneliness and singledom was all too raw and real and hard. Her words felt like the colored leaves floating down from their branches, brown and dry. I just want someone to love me. That’s it. I want someone to love all of me.
The California wind furiously beat on my car as she stolidly shared her heart; listening to the echo of the wind and the pulsating pain in her voice made me feel as if I felt her heart pounding around me. And in that moment I wanted to save her.
I’ve been there. You know, thee single friend who’s attending every friend’s wedding sans a date, RSVPing for one, and praying to God no one asks me why I’m still single. The one who during the ceremony hears vows of for better or worse, until death do we part and prays for the cocktail hour to start just so I can swallow my jealousy in tooth-picked hors d’oeuvres and watery punch.
There is a time for everything...
Everybody was in a season of change. Except me. The invitations arriving in the mail progressed from college graduations to girl weekends to weddings to baby showers. Life was moving forward for everyone else—but I remained like Adam in the Garden of Eden: alone. It was a never ending season of dinners for one, solo movie trips, and wondering when I’d find someone to love me. That’s it. Someone to love all of me.
We continued talking and catching up, but in the middle of discussing weekend plans and work endeavors, I abruptly went back to the conversation of loneliness. I wanted to save her from the pain of solitude, but something hit me. This season of solitude will be exchanged for a season of joy, but with joy comes change and with change comes pain and with pain comes endurance and with endurance comes a new season.
This season shall pass, my friend. But this I know to be true: you will survive. In this season of dry, brown leaves and fierce wind and unsteady footing, drink deeply from the cup of loneliness. Know what it tastes like. Know what it feels like. Because when you find someone to love all of you, there will be joy and with joy comes change and with change comes pain and with pain comes endurance and with endurance comes a new season. And if it’s a season of loneliness, you will know what it taste life, you will know how it feels. And you will survive.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens… —Ecclesiates 3:1
Thank you so much for this, Bianca. It made me cry. I feel just like your friend and just as you described in this post. I know I will be so grateful when God brings me my husband and will appreciate and cherish every day because of the season I am (just barely) enduring now.
Thank you, again. I appreciate your wisdom. And I know God gave you your season of singleness so that you could minister to people like me, and I am so grateful for it.
Tears here too. I love you. For listening. For understanding. For encouraging me to keep fighting. For loving me well.
This is a great reminder, Bianca! Thanks for the encouraging words!
ooohhhhh, this is so good, Bianca. So, so good.
thank you for this reminder… i am thankful that in world full of married people—you still get it. xo.
ohh tears. this couldnt have come at a more perfect time. thank you!
Thank you for writing this. For the honesty, the enouragement, the reminder, and the truth of Scripture…thank you.
thanks for these words bianca. it could have been me you were talking to if we actually knew each other in real life. gahhhhhhhleeeeee it's hard. can we hate the loneliness? because i seriously hate the loneliness sometimes. when i become that needy friend that just needs to cry to somebody. blah. but your words. they offer hope. i'm thankful.
Thank you for this reminder. Really. Thank you.
I second shot a wedding on Saturday (at Mariners!) and got pretty emotional…I'm starting to feel old and worry that I may miss out on some pretty big desires if God doesn't bring an end to this season soon. Thanks for this post.
Love you, B. Thanks.
Beautifully written! I remember this season in my life…when everyone around me was getting married, having babies and I was not. I desired it so much that the person I was dating was the one that I had my first child with…unwed and left alone…since he didn't want that responsibility. I didn't know the Lord then. In fact, I came to know Him and to give my life to Him when my daughter was almost 2 years old. I love my child dearly….both my babies…but I can honestly say…had I known the Lord how I do now…my life, my decisions…would have been different.
I am grateful for that season and the many more that have come after…I am grateful because I can now teach by example and have my kiddos…look at my life and they can choose wisely. Is it painful? Is it sad? yes and sometimes yes…but God is good and He walks with us in happy times as in times of sorrow.
Wow, this is fantastic, exceptionally well written. Even from a guys perspective, this is not an easy season, but a new season is coming, we just need to wait and enjoy the time we are in now, with Jesus. His blessings are like a maple leaf floating to the ground, it takes time to arrive but in season they come en masse. And the best part, the Lord has acres and acres, trees and trees, swelling with his blessings, to send them down to us in His good season.
Thank you for these words. It would be an understatement to say I needed to hear them today.
Amen sister.
Thank you for the gentle reminder, just what I needed to read this morning.
I have to represent for the guys here and say thank you as well.
The pressure to find "the one" seems to be immense, especially if you have anything to do with a church.
But I think I am slowly learning that God is working on my heart in preparation for that season of life where it is not "me" but "us".
Until that time I wait and pray.
Thanks for the reminder.
Yeeeeeah! I love that a guys weighs in!!! Thanks for your honest perspective, Kyle. Seriously.
But I'm going to be honest, ok? You're a great guy. Smart and talented and cute and funny. [You could be a weirdo, but I only met you those two days in Atlanta, so I could be WAY off ;)] I don't want to pry, but WHY are you single? Do you know how many women would LOVE to meet a Godly guys who is cute and has a job? I know five girls of the top of my head!
So… maybe your season of "me" is a season of "me" because you're afraid of chosing wrong, or chosing right, or chosing right now… but you won't know until you chose. Take a leap of out the boat, my friend.
And if you need any help finding a good match, let me know! I'm sure there are many girls who would like to meet you on here 😉
hahaha, maybe I shouldn't have said anything 🙂
You ask some great questions. I ask them all the time as well.
I do not know how much of the selfish thing comes into play and how much I am closed off. I have found that there are girls that are interested in me and for some reason I am not. It makes perfect sense for me to be interested, but for some reason I just do not see them that way. Then there are girls that I am interested in and when I find that girl I fall hard for her right away. But usually I get to caught up in it and instead of just being in the moment I am 37 steps ahead of her.
I have leaped and have fallen. I will continue to leap though and am never opposed to being set up but maybe I am to closed off because I feel like I can tell pretty quickly if I am interested in something more then friends or not. So far I have been finding a lot of friends
Would love to meet the girls you have in mind for me 🙂
Bianca, I think I'm more thankful for what you didn't say in this post than what you did say.
You didn't say to your friend, "…you better enjoy your singleness because when you get married you won't have any free time to yourself, you'll have to answer to someone, you'll have more reponsibilities…" etc. etc. Giving her a list ad nausem of all the so-called disadvantages of being married.
Even though I know all of that is true, it's sometimes disheartening for that to be the first thing you hear out of a married person's mouth when expressing your concerns about being single. It's almost as if as a single person you did something wrong to express your struggles with being single. And honestly, I also like that you didn't cram a bunch of scriptures down your friend's throat either(although you may have discussed scriptures).
One of the deep desires of my heart is when I enter my season of marriage, I will continue to be empathetic towards single people in an open and honest way.
One of the best posts of I've ever read!!!
Thanks, Bianca. I needed this today more than you know. I just recently found someone who I have a major crush on. I feel like a middle schooler just talking about it. And it's been over 6 years since I've had a crush on anyone. But honestly, he meets every thing on my "list." But, of course, he's SUCH a godly guy. He's never dated, and he's just waiting on God's timing. So here I am feeling like a 7th grader, just kind of waiting to see if maybe, just maybe this might be the one God has for me. I want him to be, but I'm also terrified that I'll have this crush for a while, and in the end I'll just be hurt. So I try to push it away. Waiting. Waiting. Working hard not to think about the life we *could* have together, because everything the world says about beauty and attraction says he wouldn't pick me. GAH!
Anyway. Thanks for reminding me that this season DOES end, and that there are lots of others out there just like me. (Thanks to you commenters, too, for reminding me that I'm not alone!)
I just appreciate that God will bring us through seasons and bring hope. I feel like I should be incredibly happy, but my heart fills with fear that I reject but sometimes I feel frustrated. I am so relieved with your message of change.
did we have a conversation i don't remember??
Hahahahahahahahahaha! I seriously laughed and snorted reading this. We've had similar conversations, but not this exact one. And I wasn't hit with the revelation that we are all in different seasons.
devil's advocate here…i may just be the only person who is gonna say this…but i actually LOVE being single. no lie. no pretending. no facade. i actually am thrilled to be in the season that i am in. in fact, the thought of getting married provides the opposite reaction to me.
i feel like if i get married i will lose my freedom. i wouldnt have any idea how to submit after almost 11 years of being the leader of my family, providing for my family and calling the shots. i would have to live a completely different lifestyle and i dont know if i can handle that.
maybe it's because i am also a single mother, hence why i have the reaction that i do..or maybe because i am too busy trying to feed my lil man instead of praying for a man. maybe it's because i have also set my heart that if the possibility of being single is God's plan for me, i've embraced it early on. maybe it also has to do with past fears that have caused me to not want to get married. i dont know. but i love being single.
it's not easy. it does get lonely. i have to carry double the load when it comes to raising a family. but i am actually thriving in this season and i embrace it with all my heart and God's gonna have to pry this season of singleness out of my beloved arms and fingers if He calls me to the season of marriage.
I will recommend this post to every single friend I know!
Bravo!
Me too. 🙂 Beautifully written, Bianca!
B, amen to this post sista! You know exactly how I feel. I feel so alone in feeling this way. But, you confirmed everything I feel. It's good to know that I am not the only one who feels this way. I love you girl and pray you're so richly blessed by the work that the Lord has you doing. May HE be glorified through you! Love you!
Thank you for this post Bianca! xo
I'm married. I have four kids. I'm not in a season of waiting to find someone to love me, or to have a family. But I'm in my own season. Thank you for encouraging all of us who are waiting on something.
I am that single girl. thanks for a post that keeps me believing.
so needed this today. Thank you!
I was at a conference this week, and this was the same discussion we had at a workshop, "Single Women in Ministry." I love how we can all come together and share in our struggles! We are not alone, and God is so good to bring this encouragement. Thanks to you, Bianca!
the no boyfriend season, been there! I'm in the season right now where everyone around me but me is having babies… Thank you for the reminder that the biggest joy will come when it is my season for babies. Beautifully written.
Biana, thank you for this post. I'm gonna have to subscribe to your blog. I've read a time or two but always enjoy it. I wrote a post today about being in this season (seems to be what I always write about) and letting guys fight for girls love instead of girls just giving in so easy, even if it means this season is longer than wanted. Good words. Great post.
Thanks for the words from scripture! I joke all the time that I should have myself my own shower! But in all seriousness, this happens to be the heaviest burden on my heart lately. Keep the thoughts coming!
Don't know if I love the post more or the fact that so many people have commented saying they are in the same place. I attended 39 weddings last year. Yes. that's right. 39. Kinda felt as though there was no one left to marry off. Glad to know there are some of you still out there. 🙂 Thanks for posting this.
This was the reminder I didn't know I needed. Thank you for this, Bianca.
What a beautiful post! Love you Bianca!
Sister, you commented on a blog? I am so impressed with you right now. Hope Bianca knows how big a deal this is!
Marcie?! I can't believe it! I'm so honored. But more than that, I'm affired that this is just a season…
Marce, let's continue to pray for thee most amazing man for Linds 😉
i appreciate you still getting it even though your season has changed. thank you for your heart, B.
Praise God for you Bianca. Truly. Thank you. 🙂
mmmhmmm i'm that girl. thanks for writing this and speaking into this and listening even though your season has changed…and yet you were there.
Thank you.
THANK YOU SO MUCH for this! I just stumbled across your sister's website, and then yours while browsing hers. This is SO beautifully written! This is a testimony to the fact that God always knows what you need to hear, see, or read at the RIGHT time. God's many blessings to you!
What a lovely day for a 1231988! SCK was here
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