Is he romantic, she asked in a sweet, schoolgirl way only a mother could ask. I laughed at the instant age reversal happening before my eyes as my 56 year-old mother swooned like a tween. I paused for a moment and thought about when Matt ran into the garage and carried up a heater into our bedroom so I could studying warmly in bed. Or the time Matt cleaned the entire house and organized the closet while I was away speaking. Or the time Matt took care of me when I was so sick death came knocking at my door. Yes, Mom, I confidently smiled, Matthew is incredibly romantic.
Why is this?
In a discussion with LV Hanson and Tenley Mozahn, from reality show The Bachelor, the discussion of romance and the perception it entails revealed so much about the female psyche. We are addicted to ideals and standards prescribed by Hollywood. Jack and Rose have an adulterous relationship on a sinking ship and we long for that. The Notebook made us swoon as two teens engage in a dysfunctional relationship for years. We want to be saved by an enigmatic vampire in Forks, Oregon who sparkles in the sun, but will leave us in a forest.
Yes, we want that. We believe that. We yearn for that.
In the most profound interview I’ve had in months, LV stated that porn is to men, what romance is to women. My instinct was to buck and negate such a fallacious remark—but was it true? Why have I watched six seasons of The Bachelor? Why did I want my first kiss to be at Disneyland? Why did I read Twilight in seven consecutive hours? Because the idea of romance is addicting. A cancer of sorts with tentacles creeping into cavities in the heart and mind, distorting healthy growth and sustained living.
Tomorrow I’ll be following up with the personal battle of romantic expectations I’ve had in the first couple months of marriage, but before I do, whether you are single, married, divorced, widowed, male, or female, what is YOUR definition of romance? Don’t pick up a dictionary or thesaurus! In YOUR words, define romance and state when you believe LV’s comment bears weight.
Bianca,
Speaking as a man – and this is a generalization – men are more visual, women are more of the heart.
BTW – porn isn’t romance to men – it’s lust plain and simple. The proof – there is a way to “glorify” romance – there is no way to “glorify” porn. “Romance” in whatever form, Hollywood or otherwise, is a far more noble expression of desire.
To me romance comes down to one word, “Cherish”. If I love someone I show that by “cherishing” them. It could be a heater by the bed, or doing laundry and folding everything exactly the way it is supposed to be, or baking an “I love you” – with sprinkles. If I love – then I find what it is that the woman I love needs – and I fill that need – it’s my job – it’s “cherishing”.
God Bless and keep you and yours today
Are you married? I hope so.
That is by far the best response! Very well put Craig…
Totally right. Have you read the Five Love Languages? Great book, kind of along the same premise. Women are more of the heart, I guess that is why we sweat the small stuff sometimes even when our husbands see nothing wrong. My husband does things for me and that is how he shows affection. Sometimes this is changing the oil in my car or filling my gas tank. Sometimes I do have a tendency to get aggravated because I want him to fulfill the "movie romance" but then I have to remember that the things he does for me are a big way that he shows he loves and "cherishes" me and I should be so grateful to have a husband who does these things for me. We are working on a happy medium and have had many pillowtalk nights about the topic. Conversation and understanding of each others' love language helps smooth every relationship and makes on realize not to take the little things, no matter how unromantic they may seem to the other one, for granted- Cherish was a great way to put it, if he didn't care/love- those little things would disappear.
I love my husband of 5 years- we grow and grow each day. Bianca- The best is yet to come!
Totally right. Have you read the Five Love Languages? Great book, kind of along the same premise. Women are more of the heart, I guess that is why we sweat the small stuff sometimes even when our husbands see nothing wrong. My husband does things for me and that is how he shows affection. Sometimes this is changing the oil in my car or filling my gas tank. Sometimes I do have a tendency to get aggravated because I want him to fulfill the "movie romance" but then I have to remember that the things he does for me are a big way that he shows he loves and "cherishes" me and I should be so grateful to have a husband who does these things for me. We are working on a happy medium and have had many pillowtalk nights about the topic. Conversation and understanding of each others' love language helps smooth every relationship and makes on realize not to take the little things, no matter how unromantic they may seem to the other one, for granted- Cherish was a great way to put it, if he didn't care/love- those little things would disappear. __I love my husband of 5 years- we grow and grow each day. Bianca- The best is yet to come!
Craig – wonderfully put! Thank you. I love the word "cherish" and for me it involves constantly thinking how can I give to my wife, from "spoons" in the morning, to cooking dinner, regular texts, and so on & not needing to be acknowledged every time I do something.
Craig,
I agree that strictly speaking, Romance is not on the same level as porn – but it can run amok and become the same thing as porn. Porn is sex run amok (and perhaps a culturally masculine sexuality run amok). Shows like the Bachelor are the equivalent of emotional pornography. It takes a good and godly thing – (good) romance and perverts it to where one man is dating a multitude of women. That sort of thing cheaps romans like porn cheapens sex.
To return it to your glory test, we can glorify romance and glorify sex. Both are beautiful expressions of God-created relationships (when done within their proper bounds).
We desperately need a proper view of romance (that isn't emotional pornography) and of sex (that isn't porn).
I think "romance" is different for different people. To some women it may be what porn is to men. When I was a 20-something, I thought romance was my boyfriend bringing me flowers and taking me to a nice dinner where we would be able to sit and talk and hold hands across the table. Or him finding some ridiculous way of surprising me with an over-the-top gift for my birthday. Now that I am married and in my 30's, I find romance is quite different than I what I expected it to be in my 20's. It's sitting on the couch, dressed in sweats, and talking to my husband, a man with whom I am expecting a baby. Romance us both trying to fit on the couch, him on one side me on the other, and him massaging my feet. Romance is that loaf if Kings Hawaiian sweet bread he brings home because he thought I might like it, or him coming in on a cold and frosty morning telling me he's scraped the ice off the windshield of my car. Romance is him cuddling with me in our bed as he holds my belly telling me he loves "you both." Even when I was fist married, I thought romance=sex. Not ALWAYS true. Though it can be romantic, so can all the little things than make up our marriage.
I've read all of the comments so far (up to Christy's) and I have to say that I think your comment, Lynnette, is by far the most accurate to what I was thinking. Romance, like our taste in vegetables, can change as we grow up and experience different things, like going from being a girlfriend, to a fiancée, to a wife, even to a mom.
An ever-evolving definition of romance. I like that.
romance: touching the heart of the person you love.
for me it is romantic when my husband washes my car, or makes the bed every single morning (even though i am always the last one up,) or hands me $20 as i am walking out the door (because he knows i never have any cash!) or eats at jack-in-the-box (which i love and he doesn't.)
for me, situations that may traditionally be seen as romantic, just feel contrived, like it is all about "look what i did? aren't i romantic? now go tell all your girlfriends how romantic i am, so they can tell you how lucky you are!"
although, i also know that candlelight and roses touch the heart of some people, so i guess that's ok too 🙂
romance to me is giving the other person selflessly! loving them and putting their needs first touching thier heart. It comes in different acts from a nice dinner to waking up with a newborn so mommy can sleep to doing the dirty dishes!
lame I know but above is what I call realistic romance! haha
Urgh…I don't like the porn/romance description AT ALL! I think there are SOME women/girls who see romance as a fairy tale thing…but hopefully, they grow out if it at some point. Maybe it's because I'm single and in my 30s, but I LOVE and yearn for romance…but not necessarily the "Disney/Twilight/soap opera" variety.
Having read the 5 Love Languages for Singles years ago, I realized that love and romance comes in many different shapes and sizes. I'm a "words of affirmation" gal, so if a guy complimented me on a dinner I made (even if it was off-handed and not pre-meditated), I'd swoon. For other girls, doing a service project with their guy might ring their bell.
With that said, a nice night of cuddling and smooching is great, but that only lasts for a while…
i've heard that statement about romance is to women what porn is to men so MANY times, i absolutely dislike that. coz if we were going to compare it with movies…then i will also say that action movies are to guys what romantic movies are to women.
women swoon over romantic movies and romantic comedies and even books (yes i am confessing…i read the whole twilight series (in less than 4 days) THE WHOLE SERIES. the idea of romance is addicting…
BUT "action movies" have the beautiful bombshell as a girlfriend, a hot seductress trying to take them away from that girlfriend, and a man who thinks he can save the world. and what man doesn't want that? what man doesnt want the barbie doll and the nice car and all the outward things that make one a "man's man". if im not mistaken, that also is a form of "cancer of sorts with tentacles creeping into cavities in the heart and mind, distorting healthy growth and sustained "
This is what's so shocking to me. I'm NOT the pink princess who walks around on rose petals. I didn't think I was going to have an issue with this stuff because I know my love languages and all that jazz. But I didn't realize until after I got married how many unstated expectations I had.
PS I really loved your dinner last night 😉
OK. My first thought is that a lot of that is right. My husband is incredibly romantic, even when he isn't trying to be. He makes me dinner when I work late because he's only working part-time (to finish his Master's). He wrote a blog post during his trip to India about "missing home" and emailed me to let me know that the post was all about me.
However, I also love The Notebook and Twilight. I hate Titanic. I will say this about those two things (in particular): 1. Twilight is not my idea of romance. That doesn't mean you don't root for those two crazy kids(vampires?) but it's not my *definition*.
2. The Notebook is. I honestly don't have any problem (even though it's probably not 100% accurate for 99% of the population) with a guy waiting for a girl for 7(+) years. Now, I do think that it has set unrealistic expectations for men. Poor guys don't stand a chance…unless they do. I may have the most romantic husband ever, I'm OK with that. But we watched The Notebook when we first officially started dating…after he'd realized that he was in love with me (while I was in another relationship), had written it off as a possibility, and we ended up together…also after I decided that I needed personal space from romantic guys and guy friends and had stopped talking to him…and he started writing me daily emails that I got once we started dating (although he had planned on just using the emails as a way to get his feelings out since we were no longer talking). I'm just sayin' I think it can happen. PLUS, if you read The Notebook (and *especially* the sequel The Wedding) you'll see that there was a lot more to that fictional relationship.
That being said, I clearly have too much emotional attachment to books. You should've seen me when I finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife. RIDICULOUS. 🙂
this is a hard question…um romance to me is selflessness, consideration, and a sprinkle of mooshiness…haha..i don't know…it's romantic to me when my husband chooses to take me to watch a movie that i want to watch on our date night..or even take me to eat food he doesn't like (like sushi)…but also can be complimenting me…or even making me feel desired..
it's hard because if i go on, then romance gets mixed in with considerate, loving, thoughtful…and all the others…i mean is romance the same asbeing loving?
I do agree because it isn't so much about what Romance is or what Porn is. We have to ask ourselves what we long for. Women long for things that warm their heart and make them feel good – they understand and yearn for emotional security. Men tend to understand love in a more physical way, not that it is all he wants, men just tend to be more visual than emotional. I think that many many women depend on romantic movies and books to feed what they wish the man in their life would. It almost seems that we are sometimes living vicariously through these characters and then hold our men to ridiculous standards. And I feel like men do the same thing, at times, with the way women appear physically.
To me, romance is what makes you feel emotionally "full". To me, my fiance can simply hold my hand and I think it's romantic – because it makes me feel loved. Romance is defined within the relationship and with godly expectations. We can't say that romance only equals these crazy things we see people do on the silver screen.
As with everything, it depends greatly on context and the individual situation but I do believe that there is a great deal of truth to romance comparing to porn.
Couldn't agree more… its the motives/ longing behind the romance and porn that is the problem. And then the subsequent expectations that are then brought into a relationship can be very dangerous.
Maybe romance is what makes a girl swoon and say "Awwwwww," clasp her hands together and bat her eyelashes. What it takes to get a girl to react that way, well.. depends on the girl! Her age, culture, experiences, and a lot more.
What makes me swoon? Well definitely not Titanic (selfish Rose couldn't share the door) or Twilight (dumb Isabel saying things like "I'm not suicidal, I just have no desire to live if my life doesn't have Edward in it"… cliff diving just to see his face.. argh!). I think I'm more of a Hunger Games girl and romance is Peeta doing everything he can to keep Katniss alive, safe, and taken care of, regardless of the repercussions his actions have on himself.
I might be interpreting this way off, but as women, aren't we supposed to be loved (girls want love, guys want respect?). And we love when we feel protected and taken care of, not in just a financial/material way, in a substantial way, like when Matt brings you the heater to make sure you're warm, or when Phil showed up on my doorstep with gloves because he realized my hands are always cold, but he "isn't always there to hold them and warm them up." Little things. Little, meaningful things are romantic.
Post Script
If you haven't read the Hunger Games series, I would highly recommend you add them to your list! Just ask J*, they are to die for!!!! Anyone out there to back me up?!
Don't ask me why, but I'm crying right now.
This is SO good…I might have to write my own blog on this….LOL
I agree with his comment with a twist. It's not that "porn" is to men as romance is to women. I would define it as "passionate sex" is to men as romance is to women. Porn is wrong. It's twisted and perverse sex. Women might have a twisted version of romance…if a woman is longing for happily ever after, then yes, his definition is right…porn is to men what non-biblical romance is to women.
However, I think this statement is correct, "passionate sex is to men what emotional love is to women…"
B- if you haven't read Love and Respect by Dr. Eggerichs you MUST. I attended the Love & Respect conference and learned so much. I thought I knew a lot after 11 years of being married to my best-friend and babe…but the book is SOOOO good. Men need respect, like women need emotional love (Eph 5:33). So when a woman says, "I'm too tired for sex" what he really hears is, "I don't respect you and your needs" just like a man when he forgets an anniversary or does something that stomps on her emotions she hears this, "I don't love you" This is a fascinating topic to me!!!
Why do you think a man will leave his wife for a young woman? Because she respects him and the wife stopped doing so…If a woman respects her husband and communicates her feelings…the romance (or really, it's the emotional love) she desires will come naturally to the man. It's all about reciprocity! Or, a better way to put it, is it's about agape….I love you unconditionally, then you will see that, it will be attractive to you and you will unconditionally love me in return…
I agree…
Just to clarify, I'm not the girl who loves pink, wears glitter eyeshadow, and hopes a man will rescue her. I'm somewhere in between the two divides, but this topic is forcing me to wrestle with unstated expectations.
What's wrong with glitter eyeshadow?! 😉
i think expectations are so hard because like u said, u don't realize you have them so sometimes our own expectations can cause some strife…and that's from a husband or a wife…
great post B! just for clarification, I am trying to stay away from dogmatic & absolute indictments that I’m so naturally prone to – so, in our conversation, I was hoping to make the point that romance can be as addictive for women as pornography is for men. Â It seems so clear that both can be steeped in fantasy which provides a seductive escape to the hurts and pains of life. Â I’m not saying it’s addictive for everyone, but in our culture, it’s definitely worth a serious & honest self-assessment; actually I would ever shy away from “self” assessment. Â Ask a mentor or counselor (not your closest friend because we all know that it’s so easy to blow smoke for fear of hurting or being hurt)…ask someone who has no benefit of your adoration – they will give you and honest assessment. Â I truly believe addiction is running rampant and the general response is avoidance.
I am so thankful for our conversation with Tenley and Bianca – honest, open, direct, and full of so much wisdom. Â I walked away being reminded of what I heard from Kenton on Sunday at Mariners Church: sacrifice, patience, and pain are pathways into obedience…ultimately leading to joy (Hebrews 5:8). Â Will I suspend my immediate need to “take” what I want for the delayed blessing of trusting the Lord for HIS provision. Â May not be what I think I want, and it most certainly won’t be in the time frame that I “need” it, but He never fails and is always good. Â And then I remember that the heart of the Father and His love for His people is the origin of true love, the essence of romantic wooing, and exemplifies a sacrificial patience…yes, I can wait on Him. Â Yes, I will wait on Him. Â
(Isaiah 64:4)
Thanks Bianca!
LV
Romance to me is being there. Being present. Being attentive to my needs or his needs. I definitely know that I hold to some of the cliche ideals of what romance should be or how it should look… I'm working on that. As far as romance for women being the same thing as porn to men – I think that's true only if you're thinking sexually (i.e. thinking romance leads to sex/ puts someone in the mood).
LV tried posting and couldn't. He emailed me instead and gave me permission to post it for him 🙂
great post B! just for clarification, I am trying to stay away from dogmatic & absolute indictments that I'm so naturally prone to – so, in our conversation, I was hoping to make the point that romance can be as addictive for women as pornography is for men. It seems so clear that both can be steeped in fantasy which provides a seductive escape to the hurts and pains of life. I'm not saying it's addictive for everyone, but in our culture, it's definitely worth a serious & honest self-assessment; actually I would ever shy away from "self" assessment. Ask a mentor or counselor (not your closest friend because we all know that it's so easy to blow smoke for fear of hurting or being hurt)…ask someone who has no benefit of your adoration – they will give you and honest assessment. I truly believe addiction is running rampant and the general response is avoidance.
I am so thankful for our conversation with Tenley and Bianca – honest, open, direct, and full of so much wisdom. I walked away being reminded of what I heard from Kenton on Sunday at Mariners Church: sacrifice, patience, and pain are pathways into obedience…ultimately leading to joy (Hebrews 5:8). Will I suspend my immediate need to "take" what I want for the delayed blessing of trusting the Lord for HIS provision. May not be what I think I want, and it most certainly won't be in the time frame that I "need" it, but He never fails and is always good. And then I remember that the heart of the Father and His love for His people is the origin of true love, the essence of romantic wooing, and exemplifies a sacrificial patience…yes, I can wait on Him. Yes, I will wait on Him.
(Isaiah 64:4)
Thanks Bianca!
LV
Dang. Awesome comment. Wish I had heard the interview, is it online somewhere?
LV – powerful…thank you…Ian
Romans 1:25 25 They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.
This gets to the heart of the issue, true desire, needs unmet, expections,leading to disappointment and consequences or "rewards and punishment"
Hebrews 3:13But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.
James 4
1 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
listen to this familylife link to shed more light on the core issue
http://www.familylife.com/site/c.dnJHKLNnFoG/b.62…
Romance can be in any of those moments where you find yourself totally engulfed and filled witih love. My husband and I sat on the couch watching a dramatic movie the other day, when I realized we were holding hands. I asked him if he realized we were holding hands and if he remembers reaching for mine. He said no, but proceeded to say that we held hands because we loved each other. That to me was a romantic moment. It is hard to describe it or know when it is happening because you can have romance in any action that you take for the one you love.
"LV stated that porn is to men, what romance is to women"
to think my love will be compared to porn is tragic to say the least =/
My love is my love and I love the way I love not like anyone else and vice versa
I hate having standards to what Love and Romance is because I know there will be something somewhere that's going to be disappointing and all I can do is hope it's not going to be a major one
so for me Romance is many things, Romance itself is a living organism always changing in more ways than one it can be quiet and subtle or boisterous and adventurous or complete opposites it can mean that the heartache will be gone and be full of color, life and joy <3
Romance is the anticipation of needs I didn't even know I had,
Responding with love and acceptance to the faults I'm ashamed to have,
And supporting the dreams I'm too scared to let anyone know I have.
Wow, I am on edge, completely excited to read your post tomorrow! As a newlywed of 8 months, I think my view of “romance” almost suffocates my husband at times. I’m not the super over the top girlie type either but when it comes to my husband… I want him to be the perfect Prince Charming who never lets me down. My expections have been somewhat unreachable. The truth is, he DOES love me with everything but he is a human, we are 21 years old, and he is trying to balance the weight of college, providing for us, and learning to BE a husband and all that entails… So there are bound to be let downs and disappointments on BOTH ends. So I’m in the process of finding a new, healthier, view of romance! Looks like I’ve stumbled on your blog just in time! So stoked 🙂
My idea of romance is my husband picking up my 16 month old son at his caretakers home after I've had a long day at work. Allowing me to go home and rest in silence for at least 15 to 20 minutes before the dinner time chaos begins. It's my husand telling me to go on to bed at 10pm and that he'll take care of cleaning the kitchen, locking up and putting the baby in bed! 😀 That simple. 😀
Media romantasized romance. It’s not about the “butterfly” feelings and the “runnig on the beach” type. True romance is by actions. I like it when my husband brings me coffee on his days off. Of course for him romance is different, having dinner made when he gets home from work. Of course, buying something “nice” for yourself to please him is also a display of love…
My pastor said that anybody that wants to suck your blood is not of God, it’s from satan.. haha
Men are visual, that’s why Adam named Eve a WOMAN! get it? whoa!
Porn is NOT romance and my husband says it’s about lust, and temporary satisfaction that leaves you empty and feeling gulty because porn is a sin… what goes on between a man and his wife should always stay behind close doors..
MARRIED LADIES OUT THERE.. keep it behind close doors. When I was single all I hear married ladies talk about is their sex life. No matter what, have some self dignity and keep it between you and your husbands.
my 2 cents
Although I respect your opinion I have to disagree with you.
I am single women and having married sisters and friends who share about their sex life shows that it is healthy, holy and something to rejoice in. I disagree that sharing means not having self dignity. I believe sharing that sex can be fantastic shows not only single friends but daughters and young women why sex within marriage is so wonderful! Yet at the same time keeps me from having unrealistic expectations on my husband and I have the benefit from learning from others experiences.
I believe part of the issue we have in teen sexuality and pre-marital sex in general in our culture comes from the Christian community treating it as a taboo subject and not allowing it to be discussed openly.
respectfully.
i agree with LV's comment. Porn gives men an outrageous and unattainable idea of what women should look or behave like. Most "Romance" (movies, books, songs) give women an outrageous and unattainable idea of what men should look or behave like. I get sucked into romanctic stories – i am borderline psycho twilight fan! – and then i stop and think "Why do I think that is so romantic?! If a guy said/did half of those things I would be thinking 'cheese-fest!'" but, time after time, i watch or read those stories that i know will never happen – an in my heart of hearts i know i wouldn't want.
i think one of the most romantic stories ever is "The Gift of the Magi." I know that's probably totally weird – but the idea of two people giving up something so valuable to themselves just to bring joy to the one they love – wow…….true sacrifice. That's ultimate love. God sending His son for us. Jesus willingly giving His life away for us. That's romance.
Loved this blog, B! I also really liked what LV had to say!!
In my marriage, it has changed over the years. 15 years and 4 kids later, romance is my husband coming home and saying "I'll take the kids to dinner while you have a night to yourself".
As a martial therapist, though, I do agree that women do well to set some of their romantic ideals aside in marriage. I see a lot of people fighting over unmet expecations (often based on the media) that just can't hold up in reality.
Being romanced by our Father in Heaven is for me the best definition of the word romantic. It's to KNOW that Someone loves you unconditionally even when you're at your worst. Max Lucado described it so aptly when he wrote the following;
"When my daughter was a toddler, I used to take her to a park not far from our apartment. One day as she was playing in a sandbox, an ice-cream salesman approached us. I purchased her a treat, and when I turned to give it to her, I saw her mouth was full of sand. Where I had intended to put a delicacy, she had put dirt.
Did I love her with dirt in her mouth? Absolutely. Was she any less of my daughter with dirt in her mouth? Of course not. Was I going to allow her to keep the dirt in her mouth? No way. I loved her right where she was, but I refused to leave her there. I carried her over to the water fountain and washed out her mouth. Why? Because I love her.
God does the same for us. He holds us over the fountain. "Spit out the dirt, honey," our Father urges. "I've got something better for you." And so he cleanses us of filth; immorality, dishonesty, prejudice, bitterness, greed. We don't enjoy the cleansing; sometimes we even opt for the dirt over the ice cream. "I can eat dirt if I want to!" we pout and proclaim. Which is true—we can. But if we do, the loss is ours. God has a better offer ~ Just Like Jesus"
I am ecstatic that I am being romanced daily!
Shalom,
Nisha (Malaysia)
P/S: Your blog has been a great blessing in too many ways for me, and for that I want to say THANK YOU!
wonderful story. never hard of iit. thanks for sharing
Romance has a definition, we can't make up what it "means" to us. It's not relative. Since when do we make up what words mean to us? Romance is romance whether Hollywood style or not. It's relating to romance…candlelight dinners, soft music, baths with your spouse in candlelight, moonlit stroles on the beach, feeding each other, etc. NOW, having said that, all that Matt did for you is WONDERFUL, thoughtful, caring things that show his love for you, and that's what I'm looking for in a husband. However, it's not romance or romantic. The 5 Love Languages also came to mind as with many others and it is "Acts of Service". So if by doing these thoughtful and caring things you feel loved, then that is your love language…Acts of Service. =) There's nothing wrong with it, but it's doesn't make it romance. Just that you feel loved when he does these things.
Actually Jules, the definition is HORRIBLE:
a. A love affair.
b. Ardent emotional attachment or involvement between people.
c. A strong, sometimes short-lived attachment, fascination, or enthusiasm for something
The problem with definitions is that it limits it so vaguely that the essence is lost. The eskimos have 32 definitions for the word "snow." When learning a new language compiling multiple explanations of one words is how the meaning is understood.
I know it sound postmodern when I say, "your definition" but since the definition has been stripped to "a love affair" we need to reclaim the meaning. Acts of service may not be romance, but they are romantic. And your definition of romance doesn't remotely pertain the dictionary.com's meaning of the word. That's why I have an issue with that one standard definition. We need to adequately explain and reappropriate the meaning.
Hopefully I'll clear up any confusion in tomorrow's post. Thanks for hanging in there and adding to the conversation! Oh yeah, my love language is not acts of service. Mine is physical touch and gifts, but Matt loves in acts. We're OPPOSITE!
thank you for his post and the reminder that my husband really is romantic. I feel he shows his verison of romance when he snuggles with me on the couch and watches the Real Housewives, when he takes our daughter on daddy/daughter dates, when he wakes up every morning and makes me my coffee. That is sustainable romance. That is true love. The movie examples you used struck a cord in me, all those relationships come with GREAT pain and sadness. why do we as women view romance to be so much of a roller coaster? i guess that wouldn't make for a good movie. Our romance in the form of a movie would be this. . . . women/man fall in love. man and woman are loyal and loving and cherish each other. sometimes things are a little tough but not really cause their love for each other makes nothing else really matter. the end. LOL real romance is years of loving each other day in and day out. the little things. the fact that after 13 years together we would rather be with each other then anyone else.
I think romance is demonstrated when your significant other does something for you to let you know that he is thinking of you. It can be as simple as pumping gas and putting air in your tires on a cold (ok, freezing!) January night. It can be a shared smile from across the room. It can be recalling memories from years passed and laughing together, reliving the moment. Of course romance can also be found in the sweeping gestures: flowers, quiet candlelit dinners, etc. But my favorite moments shared with my husband are the quiet ones that don't seem like they mean much at the time but later, are the memories that come to mind when I think of how I know I'm special to him.
romance to me is simply feeling cherished and loved for who I am, quirks and all…add in laughter and fun, and I've been romanced
Romance, to me, is forsaking self to bring happiness, delight, etc. to the one you love.
And as a words of affirmation girl, a hand-written note doesn't hurt. 😉
http://k12moodle.umeedu.maine.edu/blog/index.php?postid=712 Thanks for that awesome posting. It saved MUCH time 🙂
What do I think? Well… I think that Romance is only equal to Porn if it is something that is being used as an escape or a fantasy. If Romance is something that makes women feel better about themselves, where they are deriving a sense of worth, or being wanted…. that is NOT originating and flowing from Jesus and the love of God, yes, I believe it is as unhealthy as Porn. But I want to cover myself in saying that it is said as a conditional statement: Because I think romance… real romance, is Godly, healthy and righteous. Our God romances us from the moment we are born. We have a longing set deep within us from the get-go to be called to something higher, to be wanted, relentlessly pursued, loved unconditionally. Only God does this all the time, without change or ceasing. However, people plugged into that Power, can also be conduits of that same love, relentless pursuit and desire for connection, and can lavish that onto us. Now THAT is romantic.
If all you want is roses, a pretty setting, and things and fluffed up actions, then you are seeking to be filled by surface things. It is what occurs within the heart of a man that is the true tell of real romance, the way God romances. I do agree, it is how you define romance. I have a God who has fought battles for me, who has DIED for me, taken bruise and beating, ridicule and rejection… all for me. He gave up his comfort, his wants, his needs, his rights, all to love me, save me, cherish and adore me. That's a tough love to be willing to be a conduit for. Not many people want to sign up for that job… not in dating, not even in friendship, or ministry for that matter! But if they do… now, THAT's romantic. 😉
To answer more clearly… yeah, if you do the research on Porn, and why men seek it out, how it makes them feel, the psychological and physical responses they have to it, because it triggers their 'pleasure center' and reinforces positive feelings they derive from it… yes, I think women use Romance for the exact same thing. God created both sex and romance… and yes, I think humans have twisted and perverted both.
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Oh, and btw, it's Forks, Washington, not Oregon where the Twilight Series takes place. I know this because it is my hometown and I grew up there… and I can attest to the fact that there is no Edward. (And my theory is what we all loved about Edward were his qualities that were Christlike… but that's another blog for another time, I'm sure….) Great subject matter Bianca! 🙂
this post has impeccable timing. thank you.
Good blog post! Real and true quality. I'm single. My definition of romance isn't Disney nor is it Twilight, but I do like watching both. I feel like the worlds romance is second rate and I want a God Written Love Story. I guess I'd say romance is my future husband buying me a reeses because I had a bad day or cleaning the bathroom because I hate toilets? There is no such thing as the PERFECT guy. I don't want a PRINCE CHARMING. He's fake and too pretty! I just want the perfect guy for me!
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