I wanted to intervene. I wanted to say something. I wanted shout at the television and wave my hands in the air. And then I wanted to knock Tamara off her chair so she’d stop talking.
I’m not Dr. Phil or Dr. Laura or Dr. Drew, but while at the gym I wanted to interrupt Bravo’s hit series The Real Housewives of Orange County blaring on three large televisions on the cardio section. In three minutes of reality television, I saw a married woman expose her most deepest marital wounds, a inebriated, philandering woman give her friend the worst advice ever, and both women swallow their misery with in glasses of vino.Again, I’m not an expert. I’ve been married for all of three minutes and I’m definitely not going to give marital advice, but I wanted to run in front of the television and tell the women watching, Don’t listen to this advice! These are lies! There’s a better way!
The Scene: Two women discussing marital problems
The Characters: Vicky [married to her second husband for 15 years, claims to be Christian, miserable in marriage], Tamara [separated from her husband, shacking up with a Latin boy-toy, quintessential Mean Girl]
The Advice: Marriage shouldn’t be this hard. It’s okay to get a divorce. —Tamara
On camera, Vicky says she doesn’t believe it should be one partner doing all the work, which I agree with. However, this doesn’t exempt her from putting into the marriage without expectations. When you agree to marry someone, you commit to doing the work… no matter the outcome. It’s sacrificial love. It’s marriage.
Tamara informs Vicky that marriage shouldn’t be this hard.
Whaaaaattttt?!
Scene Change: Bianca enters the scene with a tissue for Vicky’s issue, then proceeds to tell her the truth.
The truth is marriage is hard. It is work. Everyday you’re committing to sacrificially giving yourself to another person while trying to manage your expectations of what is given in return. It’s consciously enacting Philippians 4:3 and thinking of others higher than you think of yourself.
God doesn’t hate divorce because he hates divorce. God hates divorce because of what it’ll do to you, the person you made a promised to, and those involved around you. However, everywhere we turn divorce is being sold to us as the solve-all for marital issues. It’s not the answer.
Vicky claims to be a Christian and wants a Godly man to pray with. I earnestly hope there is a transformational work in her marriage and she becomes the Godly woman her husband desires as well. I believe the God who created the world is capable of healing her heart and her marriage.
But for those of us not on reality television who are married, can you give an honest answer on what marriage looks like? There are many single girls who read the blog and I would love to give a realistic picture of what marriage really is. Also, how can we lean into the pain of becoming one with another person? Any advice to give before walking down the aisle?
Real advice can lead to real change. Speak in love. Share the truth. Be willing to learn.
Marriage is…
Hard
Rewarding
Painful
Fun
Death
Life giving
Life changing
In the words of Gary Thomas, "If you want to serve Jesus, stay single. If you want to become more like God, get married."
Stole my words girl. That is what i tell people when they ask me what being married is like. I also like to add the word 'interesting' to the mix.
Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas was the first book I read after getting married, and it was life-changing. So challenging and so truthful. It was a really great read. I don't know how many other books he's written, but if you have any recommendations, that would be awesome.
I've literally just written about some of my thoughts on marriage too! God must be stirring our hearts and thoughts to this issue!
Marriage is hard and painful and sacrificial. But it is also amazing, blessing and transformational. In marriage you see the worst and best of yourself and are challenged more than you can imagine…but you are also encouraged and supported too (in a good marriage).
I totally agree with your quote from Gary Thomas!
Loved your response. Thanks, Miss English!
I can't say anymore than what these two ladies have said except to keep Christ as your center, married or not, and you can not fail. My husband and I went through a tough patch a few weeks ago. Even though we were upset with each other, we continued our daily prayer and asked God to help us through. He honored our prayer and we are better than before. Each time we go through a trial we grow. We are in our 7th year and I don't know what the 7 year itch is supposed to be but my desire is for my husband. I would not listen to anyone who said that marriage was supposed to be easy. Nothing in life that is worth something is easy.
Woohoo! Love the honesty. Thanks for sharing about your rough-patch. Sometimes people candy-coat the truth and it isolates others. You were so open. Thank you!
Marriage is a choice. It is challenging, exhausting, commitment. Marriage to a man, who may be a believer but not a follower is probably the biggest challenge of my life. This kind of unequally yoked marriage challenges one's faith, one's commitment, ones values and beliefs. How easy it is for the enemy to swoop in and grab a hold of my emotions and create untruths. How easy, to be convinced that it's just easier to not follow God's plan and will. But I know that in these challenges, I'm stretched, growing, learning to love more like Jesus…begging to love more like Jesus.
I hope in the Truth and that my husband was meant for me. Not for me to save, but, perhaps, for me to lead by example, to grow, to shift. He was meant for me so that I will learn to love more deeply and compassionately. I have to depend on the truths that God has given me, that this is a blessing, that He is with us, that He is for us…that He wants it to work infinitely more than I do. I choose to hope and believe that one day my marriage won't be anything short of amazing.
And in choosing this, I choose to try my hardest to be a better wife, to be an example of a Spirit-filled human, I choose to admit my mistakes, to learn from them and to change from them, no matter how ugly and how hard it is to admit. I choose to become the person that God intended me to be. I choose to believe that God brought us to this, he'll get us through it. I choose to believe that I can only be responsible for my actions. And because I know with all my heart and head that God wants this, I choose my marriage.
Great answers, Christie. 🙂
Marriage is God's way of allowing us to experience a glimpse of the Sacrifice He made for us on the Cross. It's was an act of Selflessness, Love, Commitment, Grace, Mercy, and Forgiveness. It was painful and hard but ultimately it was the biggest blessing God ever gave us. Marriage is that to me!
A big, fat AMEN to that answer!
Marriage is insanely difficult. And the issue is that, sometimes, the other person doesn't want to change. Sadly, I got a divorce after a year of marriage from my first husband. So, my advice is, think about it, pray about it, and if there's ANY doubt whatsoever that even one teensy tiny little thing won't work out…I don't mean "that might be difficult"…I mean, any issue dear to your heart that will not ever be agreed upon and could, if used against you, be hurtful, then take MORE time. I don't mean never get married, but if my first husband and I had faced those issues more head-on instead of thinking, "Other good things will compensate for us not agreeing on this thing," then we wouldn't have gotten married, ergo, wouldn't have gotten divorced. I struggled for so long with my salvation, love from Jesus, love from my family…all because I wasn't getting love, but pain, from him. I don't mean to sound like a huge marriage wimp or anything, the things he was doing/saying were wrong and hurtful and led down roads neither of us would've thought our relationship would go down- after only a year!
Now I'm re-married to a wonderful man. I loved my first husband, and part of me will always care about him and pray for him and hope he finds his happiness and peace with God (also something we were not on the same page about pre-/during marriage), but marriage is completely different now, but still REALLY hard at times. The grace that God has shown me now is, the hard work is very rewarding now. With my first husband, even our Christian counselor thought that it was becoming a situation where were both dying inside (tough to swallow when you hear it and love the person in the room with you), but now, even when we still don't agree…it's worth it. However, it's SO hard to compromise sometimes…and it's hard to admit being wrong…and it's even harder when I'm not wrong but i concede to make things WORK. Divorce will never leave me, though. I don't want it to seem like I've found my happy ending, we'll never be challenged, yada yada. I do believe we will be challenged. I do believe we will be together until God takes us apart, however, the shame of that divorce is on ME forever. And ever. It's not an easy fix. I feared losing my family, I completely lost his family, which I'd been part of for 5 years of dating/engagement/marriage. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I never wanted divorce to be an option, but because we didn't listen to each other or God (sometimes known as the little voice in my head) we refused to see *not* getting married as the right option for the time and I have no doubt that we will both be dealing with it for the rest of our lives, no matter what happiness we find. It's just not something you lose.
Sorry I rambled. 🙂
No way! Your rambling is honest and painful and true. Thank you for your words.
Love this. This blog is necessay with all of the foolish marriage advice provided on The Real Housewives of OC. I think that your blog us awesome.
Marriage is difficult. It is so rewarding and absolutely worth all of the give & take. My wife and our relationship is so great. There are days that are filled with selfless moments or errands for my wife and that is not a problem. I strongly believe church membership and prayers are beneficial. Our church is helpful to recently married couples with encouraging bible study groups. I love being married.
Ryan M
San Diego
Married since 2006
WOOHOO! The first guy comment 🙂 Thanks Ryan! Your answers were timely and appreciated.
I have now been married for 23 years. I can honestly say that I love my husband more now than I did when we said "I do." The thing is, I love myself more too…..there in lies the problem. We are all plagued with selfishness, but a good marriage must deny self. My husband and I are very happily married with 5 great children……we arrived in this place with much work and sacrifice. In order for a marriage to be healthy, God must come first….He must be your first love and that goes for your husband too. Next, you put the other…..before yourself, your kids, your girlfriends, ministry….whatever. Keep it in that order and you will succeed and have a marriage that even though trials come, you are united and have joy. My husband and I made a vow to one another in our first month of marriage that we would take to heart the verse that says "do not let the sun go down on your anger." I must say, this has saved us alot of heart ache I am sure. Deal with stuff quickly and don't let it fester. Be on your knees for your spouse…….God wants your marriage to be amazing…..He is the One who instituted it so do it His way!!
Great words of wisdom, Tami! Give Peter my hellos!
A guy perspective…Marriage is sacrifice…just as I am to die to self for Jesus I also must die to self in the name of my wife and my two beautiful little kids. I think it's something I see with a lot of men though, its too easy to work an 8-5 job; get bombarded with emails all day, phone calls, meetings, and deadlines and then drive home and be thinking about your dream job all the while trying to find time to fit your daily Bible reading and your Christian leadership book all at the same time. Then be the man of my house and lead my children and my wife.
If I could make one recommendation, check with your church and see if they have a marriage class. We have one on Wednesday nights and we have done various DVD study kits that have been so beneficial to our marriage. Its an investment that cost nothing but returns great benefits. I think this is VERY beneficial for singles also. It should be a BIG HELPER in making sure you pick out a Godly man and not a guy who says, "Wow! She is HOT and she loves Jesus, so I will say I love Jesus!"
If you want an awesome resource that was great for understanding a man compared to a woman in thinking, etc…check out Mark Gungor's Laugh Your Way to A Better Marriage DVD (49.99?)….I think is the price, but SO worth it! There is even a teen version, which I plan to buy even though I have about or at least 10 years till those days come.
God Bless!
Colin
Great perspective, Colin! Thank you for sharing your struggles too. As a man, there is more pressure sometimes and I thank you for sharing your side of things 🙂
my hubby and I recently went thru Mark Gungor's Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage video series (that Colin mentioned above…hilarious!). Mark begins with, "Women run up to me all the time saying, 'pastor pastor! we got problems in our marriage!' I pause and say 'Hey let's look at 1 Corinthians 7:28 – But those who marry will face many troubles in this life…welp! That sounds about right!"
being married all of about 2.9 minutes, but dating for about 4 hours, I can say that I never expected to have to keep dying to myself over and OVER again. and I thought it would get easier. it hasn't…yet.
as a 23 year old girl, I'll tell those who're about to get married and may or may not be getting cold feet: make sure you marry your BEST friend. it makes the "for better" better and the "for worse" better. if you're scared and nervous and not sure what you've got yourself into (like I did), go back to why you fell in love with him or her. I knew that I was marrying the best person for me, who was completely and utterly flawed, but he was the best compliment to my self. and that he loved and loves Jesus SO much more than me. if that's a priority for you, make sure that happens 🙂
So in the interest of full disclosure, I am single but here's my 2 cents anyways. There are days when I can barely stand myself so the idea that being in union with another human being with their own personality, issues, quirks, etc. will be all hearts and flowers defies logic. I really feel that we have a fundamental, cultural misunderstanding of what the covenant relationship of marriage is. I firmly believe that marriage is one of the most powerful relational tools that the Lord chooses to utilize to aid in our growth in grace and in our sanctification. Yes, it likely can bring immeasurable joy, happiness, and fulfillment but that is not the goal. I wonder what would happen if we would labor more in prayer asking God to clarify the vision and purpose of each individual marriage and to use all parts, even the challenges, for our good and His glory? I for one look forward, soberly and with some trepidation, to that opportunity.
Honestly, this is a great perspective to have. Realizing your shortcomings before getting married is healthy. But remember that sometimes it is our quirks and issues that make us desirable to a mate. Lord knows Matt must have been blind to my junk before we got married, but even now he loves me in spite of them 🙂
The other day I asked my hubby why he hadn't eaten the last trail mix cookie that has been sitting there for over two weeks He replied I was leaving that for you.. I replied I was leaving it for you.. Marriage is being selfless! Best advice is not to have any expectations on what a marriage is based on the marriages that you have seen and never eat the last cookie, in case your spouse may want it!
Awwwwwww! SO cute! I love this 😉 Thanks for sharing, Mon!
Update: Vicki already filed for divorce back in February :-/
But they are just separated right now. They are waiting to see if anything changes. I'm totally serious when I say I'm praying for them. Donn seems like such a nice guy.
Being Married is not hard. Being content is hard which is why those wealthy no problem having women, have problems because they cant be content. Since I think im the only dude on here posting anything. I'll let u know we really only want two or three things, mostly one thing, from our wives. If u give us those things we will love you for it. If u picked the right guy. Married for 12 years, 2 kids, no affairs.
LOVE it! Thanks Trent!!! Your perspective was great to hear 🙂
This was so beautiful! Thanks for taking the time to share 🙂
I have so much to say on this topic but not enough time.
I came across a quote one time while working some tough issues out in my own marraige. I think it summed it up pretty well.
" Marraige is the union between two forgivers"
This is so true on so many levels. Whether it's serious life changing, earth shattering mistakes… or simply you took the last cookie. Forgive and keep living. Of course there are times work is involved. Change is needed to take place so you dont continue to repeat the same mistakes but at the heart of a successful marraige.. is Jesus and forgiveness.
I've only been married for 5 months and I know I'm still very young (22), but marriage has been one of the greatest learning experiences of my life.
I think marriage has taught (and sometimes forced) me to be honest.
If this relationship with my husband is going to work for the rest of our lives, then there really can't be anything but truth and honesty. I cannot fake who I am. I cannot hide things from him. I cannot conceal my feelings. Anything I hide or lie about or cover only drives a wedge between us. If I am upset, I have to communicate that I am upset. If I am happy, I should communicate that I am happy. If I spent too much money on makeup this month, I have to be honest and tell him even though he may be disappointed and there will be consequences.
My big thing is emotions. I'm super emotional. I cry a lot. I have a temper. I have a lot of ugly parts. BUT the more I hide them, the worse they get. The sooner I am up front and honest with my husband about my thoughts and feelings, the sooner we can work them out TOGETHER and grow in our marriage.
It's hard to lay yourself bare, but it is so worth it.
I'm getting married in about 5 weeks, so I loved reading all these words of advice!!!
You write important, the topics are nice. I like this web page. For how long did you get blogging? Just how much time do you devote to it? I hope that I can use a few of your texts on my web site.
How fun that I found this blog post of yours. You showed up on my Twitter feed (someone had re-tweeted you). I scrolled down your blog and found the “Housewives.” I had just ranted to my friend about the very same scene from that show. My words were very similar to yours. “Marriage shouldn’t be this hard.” Load . of . Hooey.
First, I must say this is a huge topic with no easy answer. We have been married for 26 years. I almost didn’t respond because it is difficult to summarize what has kept us together for this long. We have been through many of the seasons of marriage in our reach for long-term-love. Here are a few thoughts about what has kept us together.
Hands down, without question, it is the grace of God and our commitment to Him that has been the center of our marriage. He has been faithful to keep us on the same page spiritually this entire time. Neither one of us is “ahead” or “behind” the other. Spiritually, we are a match. I’m realizing over time that this is something we have taken for granted. It has been a sheer gift of grace.
We are as opposite in temperament as you can be, so you can imagine the “issues.” Over time those issues can fester and build. So, next I would say that gut-level, honest communication (with grace), is next. One of the phrases that we came upon early on was “seek first to understand, then be understood.” For example, the wife shares (the husband doesn’t interrupt). Then the husband tries to mirror back what he thinks he heard his wife share. His job is to understand, not fix or defend. Then you switch and the husband shares. This can be a life-saver when you are working through something. It is very difficult, though, because it takes a great deal of humility and patience. Think about the first word in the description of love in 1 Corinthians 13, “love is patient.” Why is that word first? Something to ponder.
In our work with Christian leaders as well as just interaction with friends, I find that one of the biggest issues for people is truly believing that God loves them. There is no earning God’s love. He is love. He just loves. I think that if we truly knew the love of God for us down to our toes, then our love for others (including our spouse) would be a natural outflow of that. I realize that in this day, there are people who are incredibly, deeply wounded and that God’s love can seem as far away as the moon. Making their way into the gut-belief of how He loves can be quite a trek. Marriage can be a place where we learn to love for real…through it all…one day at a time.
Let’s suffice it to say that marriage, long-term love, is work. Work doesn't sound "romantic" but I assure you the payoff in depth of relationship is amazing. Love is a verb. We love because He first loved us. The two are intertwined.
OK – so there’s my attempt at summarizing a little about long-term marriage. ☺
Thanks for your ministry, Bianca!
Bianca,
You said, "God doesn’t hate divorce because he hates divorce. God hates divorce because of what it’ll do to you, the person you made a promised to, and those involved around you."
Where does the Bible teach this?
You also stated, "In the words of Gary Thomas, "If you want to serve Jesus, stay single. If you want to become more like God, get married."
Where does the Bible teach this?