You know you’ve done it. You know you have. So let’s just get it all out in the open and keep it real.
Gossip happens at work, at school, at home, and yes, even at church. When someone on youtube asked me to address the issue of gossip months ago, I debated whether or not it had to be discussed simply because scripture is quite clear about the gossiper and the gossiped about.
But when I received two more questions on facebook about it, I realized it wasn’t necessarily the issue of gossip, but more an issue of how we use spiritual means to perpetuate gossip. We use “accountability” as license to divulge information and phrases like,”keep him in prayer because…” as a way to spread info around like butter on toast. And really, who doesn’t like butter on toast?
True wisdom comes from asking ten questions before giving one answer. So let’s handle this. What are ways we can change this? What is true care and concern versus gossip and slander? How do you fail or succeed at this in your own life?
For more resources and references on gossip, click on the following links:
- Leviticus 19:16
- Proverbs 18:8
- Psalm 34:13
- Romans 1:29-30
- 2 Corinthians 12:20
- Proverbs 11:13
- Proverbs 26:22
LOVE this topic!
Several years ago in my Spiritual Growth Group we essentially got to the point of not allowing prayer requests unless they were personal or family-related. A couple of the girls saw our high-intensity study as a grown up "youth group" (quotes used to imply a difference from student ministry) and utilized prayer request time as a gossip fest. It's sad, but I don't know how much the new rule really penetrated or made them behave differently outside of our group and ultimately, in larger settings where seekers do participate, this CAN be a huge deterrent. I really hope that people like you continue this conversation as both an instruction and reminder to us church folk!
XOXO!
Love this, Bianca. Thank you for speaking a bold word of truth and using your influence well! Your community is listening. 🙂
Bianca,
Thanks for sharing this! In listening to this, I was convicted of a certain situation in my life right now where I was in heart doing just that, "spreading the bad news" when I should be sharing the "good news" ( of Jesus that is). My intentions were never to go out and purposely gossip about this young girl…but found myself doing that…thanks for being used by the Lord to convict and correct my heart!
WOW. This took boldness to admit. But listen, we've all been in situations like this. It's better that you see it now and ask for forgiveness than to have it turn into something worse 🙂
i was just thinking about gossip the other day! i was out at happy hour with a few of my friends (not all are christians) and they started talking about this girl. it wasn't really mean stuff, but they were discussing some of the "lesser" aspects of her personality. it made me feel uncomfortable because i've been working on not gossiping so much, but i didn't know what to do. i tried to say some nice stuff about the girl and change the topic but my friends weren't having that… i mean, i didn't want to say "let's stop gossiping" because 1) i didn't want them to feel judged by me, 2) i didn't want them to think that i thought myself better than them, and 3) i didn't want to make things awkward. so i just sat quietly. does anyone have any advice on what i should have done?
Don't be afraid to take a stand! If you're doing what's right, and doing it with the right attitude, it's not your fault that other people are feeling bad; they know they're doing something wrong and don't like to be reminded. Conviction's uncomfortable, I know it =P But people will respect you for your standards and maybe even follow them. Do what you know will make Jesus proud, and don't worry about anything else.
Hi Fran! I agree with Michelle. Don't let others dictate your voice. I will, however, say that you can make the situation as uncomfortable and comfortable as you want. If you stand up and walk out like a pharisee, then it will be a show. If you casually mention your uncomfortablility, it's a gentle rebuke. I tend to lean on humor or sarcasm as a transition from the conversation about another person. If they keep pushing it, then I'm more direct with my approach. I hope this makes sense 🙂
Yes I have done it.
i have gossiped and bad to, it comes from the heart, i notice tho alot of times it comes from not being busy about my OWN business and worrying about others, you can be concerned, but tru concern leads to action, not simply talking about the person. if it bothers you that much do something about it, God willing of course. But gossip is bad it destroys the church and relationships between believers because if you don;t trust someone how can you be their friend really, if you know they are going to tell all your buisness.
This is the hardest part! Trying to find real relationships in the church takes trust… not just getting trust, but giving it too. Good insight, Alli.
I'm Mexican…it is in my BLOOD to get my chisme on 😉
Totally kidding..kind of.
I was going to use "chisme" but I knew I'd lose the meaning in context 🙂 Ha! At least you would've gotten it.
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Yep, sadly I’ve done it! I don’t use the “pray for so and so because…” Nope, there is no shame in my game! KIDDING of course! Most of the time I’m venting i.e. murmuring and complaining! =( Sometimes we just need another person to validate our feelings and then we can move on and be done with it. But when we share it with the Lord there is no excuse because we are to die to self. So He absolutely is not going to validate our feelings hence gossipping to a friend! My behavior is not right, but I’m “keepin it real”.
YES! I've used gossip to validate my feelings. It has less to do with someone else and more to do with my hurt feelings. Julie, this was a BIG learning you just taught me! I hate using past tense wording… the truth is, I still struggle with validation even now. UGH!!! I'm a mess.
Bianca, first off thanks for addressing such an important topic. Unfortunately (I hate to say it) I have been on both sides of the coin and agree that it is way too rampant within the church. This may sound kinda random but when I was in the Air Force we had what was called "core values." These "core values" were: 1) Integrity first, 2) service before self, 3) excellence in all you do, and in a funny way, applying those to my "walk" has really proved fruitful. Truly striving for the character of Christ and not just using Him as a way to defame someone else has really been something I have been working on. I have noticed I tend to do it when I feel like I have been offended by someone. Instead of going directly to that person or taking it to the Lord, I think in a sick way I try to "get them back." (I feel like I'm using quotation marks way too much). I don't think its any coincidence the church is called a family, cause I know in my family I could talk smack to my sister all day long:) but as soon as someone else said one thing that even came close to gossip or degrading I was ready to knock em out. Anyways not really sure if any of that made sense but figured I would share my thoughts.
Isaac, I LOVE it. I'm stealing those three points!
Awesome! Thanks for doing what you do, I always love it when the religious pot gets stirred. Aim High! (okay, I know, way too much air force cheese but I couldn't resist)
sadly, I've done it. I've also been the victim of it. So, I keep my mouth shut, if prayer is needed, I give basic facts in writing, then re-read the request to see if I've given to much info that is really non-pertinent. "If you can't say something nice, then dont say notin at all!" I'm trying, but it is hard. Will it help or will it hurt?
B, as always you hit the nail on the head! Muchas gracias for keeping it real, it needs to be done.
Well..I must tell you, we (bomb squad) talk and gossip about you all the time when you aren't around. Just saying… 😉
Lurker finally coming forward ….. my women's group talked at length about gossip a while back and the most helpful outcome for me was this:
Check your motivation.
Check your fruit.
Why am I motivated to share this? And what fruit is borne out of sharing this? I found it soooo helpful in determining whether I was truly sharing out of a pure heart, for good reasons, or just gossiping.
Great suggestion in checking your motives first!!!
Yeah!!! Hi Lacey 🙂 Thanks for the comment and delurking!
I agree with Joyce… we must check the motivation in the nation 😉 The motivation will determine the fruit.
10 points extra credit for you, Lace!
Thx for making the effort to describe the terminlogy to the newcomers!
It's my pleasure Earle! Thanks for the affirmation 🙂
Thanks Bianca for posting about this!
How does one address gossip within family? Sorry this is off topic to "church and gossip" but there are those who have more contact with family/and/or non-believers rather than church family. Somehow, I think we justify that we are entitled to know information about family… as a need to know, right to know.
Ohhhhh this is all too famililar with me, Joyce! Ok, the way we handle in in our family (for example) is making sure our words are gentle and short. If we recount all the drama with adjectives that are way too descriptive or hurtful, it's not cool.
I echo Lacey's comment. Check the motives.
One thing I appreciated about my old church is that we would corporately pray for each other and our requests every week. But with certain people, that prayer session turned into the latest gossip. It was humiliating when guests would come and experience The View, Church Edition. But what drove the point home was when I left that church and would hear from others what was being said about me. Ouch. In a way I'm glad it happened though because it made me vividly aware of what it feels like so that I would work harder in my own life to make sure I'm not doing it to others. Sticks and stones can break bones, but words can utterly destroy a person.
Wow, interesting topic Bianca! I've never thought that someone could turn prayer into something so negative. It's good to be aware of how we could potentially slander someone's name in the "guise" of prayer. I haven't experienced this yet.
Very interesting topic, and I really like your take on it. I, like most people, have been on both sides of it, and have been noticing how incredibly pervasive it has been in my work relationships (one situation in particular) lately, and the corrosive effect it's been having on everyone involved. I've been struggling with the negativity that I'm surrounded by and have been, to some degree, participating in – thank you for bringing this to the fore and giving me the motivation to try again to do better tomorrow!
I have definitely been guilty of this when it has been to validate my own feelings or frustrations. But I have to realise that if people hear me 'moan' about others then they will probably assume I 'moan' about them. And that is not very attractive at all!
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