No one ever tells you what marriage is going to look like after you say, I do. After the unity candle is lit, the vows are exchanged, and you walk down the aisle as man and wife, what happens next?
The professional married people make it look so easy. What are professional married people, you ask? I’ll tell you. They are the ones who finish each other’s sentences, never argue with each other, and incessantly post Instagram photos of each other looking skinny, happy, and punch-drunk in love. I love them! They inspire me to be a better wife, but also cause me anxiety because the reality is that I’m not.
These couples are everywhere; the market, work, church, and online. Definitely online. Everything looks so lovely with a filter, a border, and a romantic hashtag [#Lucky #He’sHot #MarriedUp #BoomBoomPow]. But being a professional married person is very hard and social media has made it even harder to have a realistic relationship without comparing it 140 characters of twitterpated tweets.
Take for example yesterday. [Insert realism here]
Matt’s birthday was yesterday. The day started out filled with sugar and sweets and attempted perfection. Cropped photo, beautiful cupcakes, special candles. [#I’mAwesome]
Buuuuuuuut the tide changed when I realized that I had a scratchy throat and cough from sleeping in a room that polar bears would find freezing. Apparently I married a human heater who needs the bedroom to be subzero every night. I snapped at him for sleeping with the windows open and the fan on in 40 DEGREE WEATHER.
What I failed to start the day off with was the good ol’ traditional, Happy Birthday, Matthew!
Tip 1: If it’s your spouse’s birthday, don’t complain about anything. Ever. Even when glaciers pass you in the middle of the night.
I attempted to salvage the birthday by apologizing and admitting I was a jerk. Yay! Back to being a professional married couple. I’m running around the house trying to get the kids dressed while signing his birthday card. This multi-tasking step-mom is ON IT, people.
Tip 2: Never address parenting techniques on your spouse’s birthday. Ever. Even when you think you are the Cesar Milan of child rearing.
Since I was on a roll, I decided to talk to Matt about some discipline ideas to enlist for the kids since there have been some behavioral things we need to nip in the bud. I wish I had a professional married person to tell me that having conflict resolution at the breakfast table with two kids running about before school at 7:00am isn’t the wisest thing to do on a birthday.
Tip 3: Never leave a conversation unresolved on your spouse’s birthday. Ever. The pride will cause you to fall. Literally.
I was flustered that the conversation wasn’t being resolved [aka: Matt didn’t see I was right], so I left the table frustrated and determined to let him know how wrong he was by using my body language. My passive aggressive techniques only get me into more trouble, but again, I’m an amateur when it comes to marriage.
I got dressed, grabbed my work bag and coat in one hand and my dog Ricci in the other as I attempted to zoom down the stairs, and maybe even stomp to show him I mean business! Slight problem: When you stomp down a flight of stairs while carrying 20 pounds of stuff in your hands, it’s highly probable you will fall down a flight of stairs.
Tip 4: Always use the 12 magic words that will save your marriage. Always. Even if you don’t really mean them in the moment.
I am sorry. It’s my fault. Please forgive me. I love you. These words given to me by my father echoed in my mind as I sat on the bottom of the stairwell sobbing uncontrollably. I wasn’t sure what hurt more, the shoulder I landed on or my pride. Matt ran down the stairs and gave me hug. I apologized. I accepted fault. I asked for forgiveness. I said I loved him.
Today was suppose to be a post about what professional married people do for their spouse’s birthday. And I wanted to show pictures with filters and borders and flawless skin. But the truth is that married couples occasionally have falling outs… and falling downs. The truth that needs to be shared is yes, there are moments when marriage is absolutely perfect and you are best friends. But there are also moments when all you can do to survive is suck it up and die to self. And that my friends, is what professional married people do.
When two amateurs agree to kiss and makeup, forgive and forget, love and accept, they are a step closer to becoming professionals. 😉
#BoomBoomPow
For any marriage folks out there—amateur or professional—feel free to give suggestions. This is a safe place! 😉
I, too, married a polar bear.
Get a nice warm, comfy hooded t-shirt with long sleeves. Sleep in it, With the hood up. It will save your marriage. (It also muffles night noises)
Failing that, at least use of those wonderful ear warmer sports band things around your head.
Great tips Bianca… Especially the 12 magic words.
After many years of marriage, I’ve decided the best I can do is bite my tongue, smile bravely in public and remind myself on a minute-by-minute basis that my husband is not my enemy. I’ve long ago given up the notion of being blissfully married, and these days would give anything to just make it to a place where we can find a neutral zone to live in.
Thanks for sharing this real picture of what marriage looks like daily and how we often need to be humble and love others like God loves us…..unconditionally.
Today is MY husband’s birthday. I started off with a rosy Facebook post about him being my best friend of 20 years. Hope I don’t blow the rest of the day! 😉 Thanks for the advice and the 12 words – very good.
Oh, and I hope you are ok from your fall!
I love this and YOU! You are just so great. Thanks for making everyone feel like it’s ok to be themselves and calling the rest of them out to face reality! Haha.
WOW…I am not married…YET 🙂 :)….BUT this was amazing, so honest, so real, so what we young folks need. Whew, thanks for sharing this and thanks for your transparency B!
P.S. I am also a Gates Scholar..so we are basically family 🙂 LOL
Blessings,
Destiny
This is a great post! “Apparently I married a human heater who needs the bedroom to be subzero every night. I snapped at him for sleeping with the windows open and the fan on in 40 DEGREE WEATHER.” Something I didn’t know about my husband until I married him. Although, here in Alaska, the temps have been in the teens overnight. SO FREEZING.
We’ve been married for 7 and a half years, and we are in no way professionals yet, but we’re working on it!
Thanks for sharing your heart! After 7 years of marriage, there have been moments, ( okay usually daily) that I Must ” suck it up and die to self”. My sweet husband graciously forgives me for each Royal fail I make. His strengths are my biggest areas of weakness (i.e I talk way too much, he lovingly talks very little) besides all that ; mostly I wanted to Thank you for reminding me that I don’t need a perfect picture to capture what Amazing Unity God has blessed me with. (although it is nice to capture it ) I know He has done an AWESOME work by giving me this Godly man and grown our cord stronger with each day
Love your transparency Bianca. Keep keeping it real ad raw!
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Thank you for your honesty! So refreshing to read a post that actually shares about the reality of marriage! I loved this so much I actually asked my husband to stop watching the tv long enough for me to share it with him…he lived it to! I will remember your advice next time I try and become a ‘professional married person!” My husband and I have just started teaching a marriage class at our church, and with your permission, I would love to share this with the class. Would that be okay?
Of course! By all means 🙂 Thank your husband for listening!
Well Hello B! Long time no talk, (since we met in Israel many moons ago!)
LOL! Funny, yesterday was MY husband’s (Pablo) b-day! What’s not funny is that we are separated right now, and have been for almost a year (tomorrow). Rough road, both marriage and separation – the latter seemed right at first, but the longer it went on the harder it seems to reconcile. However, my hope is in the Lord, and I pray He will bring him back to me, in His time – but how I longed to spend his birthday with him and make (buy) him cupcakes too!
Cherish the moments Bianca (& perhaps wearing wool socks to bed will help with the frostbite in the morning!)
thank you for being so honest! It’s such a relief to actually see that others aren’t perfect and mess up things too. and it’s good to see that even if you mess up, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. thank god there’s forgiveness. 🙂
#BoomBoomPow #Kiss …yeah, that sums it up in a nutshell:)
I absolutely loved this post. I am single, but I love reading all your stuff and taking in your knowledge and wisdom…and laughing at the adventure that is your life. I love it!
Oh, Bianca!
Thank you for writing this post. We have a lot of young couples that are our friends and married, and I always look at their IG photos and think “picture perfect” ha ha, but I totally get where you are coming from…. My hubby and I are two very strong willed people so you can only imagine our arguments….. but we are working on our marriage (through a marriage counselor), I am glad to know that “picture perfect” is just that, keeping it real with one another, being sorry when one is wrong, accepting fault and apologizing! It is so liberating. We learn every single day, communication is a must, there is a time and place for that….. and that def excludes birrrthhhdaysss! ha. Thank you for the Post!
I constantly have to remind myself that no one’s life is as shiny as the Internet makes it seem. Thanks for always being real! xo
Oh Bianca what a great message!!!! I love your openness and rawness. Happy Belated Birthday and reminding me to be humble! Great advice by the way!
You so Nailed it! Every time! Thanks for always sharing real life stories. They are always encouraging. We just celebrated our 1 year anniversary. Yay! We made it!! Even though we may have been limping across that finish line… we did it! Lol Just days before our anniversary, we fought. And it seemed to leave a fog of attitude til the morning of. Lol. But by the end of the night, we were newly weds again, even laughing at the fact that we crossed the finish line limping. We spent the next day reading our couples devotionals together, and so far, it’s been a good week. We’re still babies to this marriage thing, and by our brattiness toward each other, it shows. Lol Thanks for letting us know it’s everywhere 😉