You don’t even want your own kids, how do explain taking on two kids who aren’t even yours, she asked is complete bewilderment. I felt like a shy kindergartner who was on the verge of wetting her pants. I don’t like conflict, so explaining confusing concepts while not having adequate support is like the Kindergarten teacher asking me to explain Quantum physics over animal crackers and tap water. Painfully confusing.
Stammering over words which sounded foreign, I explained that I could handle it and I was ready to embrace the challenge to be endured for the next decade and a half. I lied.
The truth, I really love him, just didn’t sound like a rational response.
My fiance has a peppered marital past. His first wife betrayed the vows of holy matrimony, monogamy, and fidelity. On multiple occations. Though the institution of marriage has been marred and abused in his first marriage, he still holds to the promise of redemption, renewal, and restoration. God can make all things new.
[Curtains open. Bianca enters stage left. Spotlight on Matt with opening line: “This is my new!” Crowd erupts in joyous clamor. End scene.]
While getting married is exciting and new, being a stepparent is terrifying and scary. Statistics show 74% of children must deal with a stepparent before the age of 18. Media has portrayed thee worst renditions of pseudo-parents, so what can I do?!
I mean, poor Cinderella had to deal with her evil step-mother and so did the red-headed twins in The Parent Trap! The only reference point I have are vile characters who are born to make their part-time spawn’s life miserable.
[Curtains open. Enter Parker Mason and Ryen Blake stage right. Spotlight on Bianca with opening line: “This is my new!” Crowd erupts is ruckus laughter. End scene.]
The girl who spent LA weekends in art galleries or watching inde films has traded in the expensive dinners and designer shoes to love in ways bigger than a Jackson Pollack mural, deeper than a French foreign film, and more delicious than a dinner at Spago. And the shoes? Well, leave my shoes alone 😉
I’m not your mommy. She loves you in ways I can’t imagine… but I want to try. I want you to feel safe and warm and happy when you stay with Daddy and me. I want you to dance our special happy dance when we cook in the kitchen and never get tired of me tickling you. I want us crawl into bed and read stories at night forever. I want to be the last one to pray with you at night and the first one to say good morning.
Forgive me for not knowing how to make your lunch like Daddy. Or where your clean socks go. Or how to sign you out of Sunday School. Or how to correctly eat a popsicle. I’m new at this. But I promise I’ll get better!
Even if I’m mad at Daddy or he’s mad at me, I’ll never leave him. Or you. I promise.
Thank you for sharing your daddy with me. One day I hope you’ll read this and know how much I love you… then and now.
B [aka Stepmom Extraordaire]
hooray! (first comment!) also, i'm kinda crying. a little bit. this is a super sweet one, bi. you will be a wonderful step mother and parker and rye are lucky to have you…and also, even if those little boogers still don't like me and are afraid of me for being too tall, i will win them over, too! muahahahaha!
Two things guarentee you will be a great stepmom – your Faith and your honesty. You will be a wonderful example and an infinite source of love for them – what lucky children!
they are so blessed.
They will be so lucky to have you. So lucky to have you.
You will be a great step-mom! I was in tears at the end of your post!
You have the right attitude to be a stepmom. I became one this year…kinda wish the kids had been a little younger, but we all get along great. Kids respond to love…and how you treat their father.
Oh wow. Tears. I can only hope my children's step mom feels the same way…
My brother has a “peppered” marital past. He has 3 children – beautiful I might add. I just officiated his marriage to a wonderful woman who seems to love his kids as her own. I can see her speaking what you wrote.
Fantastic post! I've had multiple stepparents. One stepmom and two stepdads. I've been burned but I've also been blessed. I've also been burned and blessed by my own parents. The difference – show that you love God first, spouse second and then them. Show them that you are united and there is no "easy" parent to run to and try to get away with stuff.
i totally believe God honors this….. what a powerful post. 🙂
BB, all I can say as I re-read this letter (again and again) is that not only will you be an outstanding mother to those precious babies, but you are going to be an amazing wife to that precious man of yours. While you might not know where their socks go or how to eat that popsicle the right way, they are never going to have to wonder how you feel about them or their Daddy. They will never have to try to figure out whether you love them or not. Because you are so willing to learn everything about them and love them in spite of what you find out, you're already leaps and bounds ahead of the curve. YOU are precious…
Love this. I totally cried. 🙂 It was SO great to meet you last night!
Bianca,
you will make a wonderful stepmom to those two beautiful children. its funny that you post this, i’ve been praying about this, you and Parker and Ryen. Just love them, love them.
i love you for being so real in all your posts, and even when we speak in person.
<3 legs
Speaking as one who walked that road before you…just love 'em like they were your own and never let them think you don't love them as much as their daddy. You'll be a great step mom. 🙂
Adorable kids! There is also nothing like a love that comes from someone who doesn't need to love you. I am a product of a divorce family and my stepdad took us in as his own, he was there when my real dad didnt want to be. He loved me not because he had to but because he wanted to!
And I may not carry his DNA but he is MY dad! Don't worry I still don't know how to be a mom and I have had 2 1/2 years of practice. With God's help He will show you how to be the parent He has called you to be!
What an exciting journey you are about to go on.. Welcome to parenthood.. It is a Crazy but blessed ride!
Wow… We are very blessed. I must admit this German, non-emotive person almost cried.
Matt, this non-emotive girl almost cried too! What the heck!
I'm pretty sure its against german law to cry
you will be a great mom im sure.
this is precious. more than precious…as my abuelita would say, "preciosisisisisma!"
um, I don't even know how to make my kids lunch like Daddy! haha! As a parent, we will have fears and failures, but i have seen more forgiveness in the eyes of my children than anywhere else. As a parent, we will learn hard lessons, but those lessons have been lasting and reach deeper than any book i've read. And as a parent, we will seek to control as much as possible, but it's in the letting go that I've learn to give Him control over there little lives.
i love that God has entrusted you with these two precious lives and you will be a beautiful second mama to them…i don't call either of my step parents, step parents. Since my parents divorced when i was less than a year old, my step mom is "mom". (and my mom, believe it or not, is still "mommy!" yes. i'm 33 and still call her mommy. oye!) And my stepdad is "Dad Too" because you're right – step parents get a bad rap! 😉
Oh Bianca, I had to wipe the tears before I could type this comment. You are going to be amazing with these two little ones. They are going to love you and cherish the relationships you build with them. God has placed you into this new family for so many reasons and it is all out of his great design and purpose. I will pray for you guys! All four of you! xoxo
B, you are one special person…I like that heart of yours! : )
I am right there with you Bianca! It is a fun, crazy, and full of love ride! I am a step mom to both a boy and a girl as well…God will show you things through them, watching Matt with them, and through your relationship with them that you will not even be able to imagine! It is a challenge, but one that God will work wonders through and you will see a side of Christ's love like you didn't know before. I will be praying for you and all your adventures ahead! Much love!
YOU have the heart of a stepmom and those children are so blessed to have you in their life! I've been a stepmom for almost 8 years. It's the toughest job I've ever had, but there will be moments that just melt my heart. You may be surprised at how much you can love someone else's children. I don't know you, but have read your blog for a while and love your straightforward, heartfelt way of speaking the truth. I think you are going to be one fabulous 2nd mom! Best wishes to all of you!
They are so gonna have to rewrite fairy tales by the time you're done. (You'll be great at it! Obviously. 😉 )
Tear. You and Matt are slowly becoming one and on your special day the process will be complete. It's been a blessing witnessing how your love for Matt and his kids grow and to see you both on stage last night left me speechless with joy in my heart. 🙂
143
What an honor and priviledge God has given you. He has entrusted you with the lives of these precious babies. He will sustain you and guide you. He will teach you many things…
If I may… Spilled milk is just that.. spilled milk
Crayon on the walls can be cleaned, if not, there’s Lowes, kids running in the house is a precious moment to cherish, messiness and disorder is nothing to panic about… there’s a solution for EVERYTHING!
except a grieved spirit… be spontanious!
I happen to have ocd, i cleane and clean and its never clean enough. Because of this.. Gabriel is witness to this and i grieved his spirit… so I slowly learned that spilled milk on the carpet is just spilld milk.
u will be amazing!!! They are so blessed to have u…and being a parent is something that changes u and grows u in extraordinary ways!!!
Oh, wow. I love this. And you, from reading your blog. =) God will give you grace and you will do GREAT. Can't wait to read what happens next!
Chills… nuf said.
My friend. This is by far my favorite post of yours. The authenticity of this blog has brought tears to my eyes, a gulp to my throat, but most of all a pitter patter to my heart! It's going to be so exciting to see you live this out daily, and through the grace and goodness of God, you can and will! As God equips you, you are going to continue to be exactly who and what Matt needs as a helpmate/partner and what Parker & Ryen need as a step-mommy/wife to their daddy. I love you and promise to continue to pray for you, Matt and the kiddos daily.
They are so blessed to have you. You're going to be an amazing mother. If that doesn't work out you can be mine 🙂 I had multiple step parents, my dad remarried multiple times. At first it was hard, but looking back they each hold a special place in my heart. AND they were a fraction of the person you are. We will keep you and your new family in our prayers. Love.
Bianca, you are going to be a wonderful stepmother! I know in you and Matt they'll see love, devotion, honesty, compassion, truth and much more. You'll just be living out Christ's love in a new way!
B- so beautiful! I'm not the crying type, but whoaa! AND MATT COMMENTED! Hollleerr!
Haha I had that same reaction: AND MATT COMMENTED! Hollleerr!
Gosh, Bianca.
I am dating a man with 3 young kids … and I'm just not sure what to think about the whole situation. You just need to make sure that YOU and MATT – put the MARRIAGE first, even before the kids. Quite honestly, I feel very SECOND to the kids, and often like an outsider. In my case, he's so busy raising his kids, I'm not sure that he has any left over to give to OUR relationship. I dunno, I recently read a quote in a book saying, "If you care about your spouse, you should never expect, or even accept, SACRIFICE as a solution to a problem." Instead look for win-win solutions.
I guess I feel like this particular relationship I am in is more sacrifice than romance. I just want to feel a little pursued. So … I just wonder, is it because the man I am with is so busy with his kids or is it because I am selfish and need to be the center of attention. I do believe I am a giving person – but I guess I'd like to have a bit of attention as well. A bit of adoration 🙂
Anyways – you have a beautiful attitude towards the situation. I pray that your marriage will always be first!
B, you obviously haven't watched the movies "It Takes Two" or "Stepmom." Step-parents aren't all evil. *wink*
I didn't get to meet either of m granddads, just a stepgranddad, who happened to shower Vicky and me with more genuine love than other blood relatives ever could, my grandmom included. Love is just that, love. Regardless of height, age, weight, race, IQ or blood ties. Besides, you "live in the name of love" already, so I can't imagine how much more love your ginormous heart can give to Ryen and Parker.
Post Script
If you can't learn how to eat a Popsicle, you could always just teach them to be charming, witty, fashionable and God-fearing. I think that trumps knowing where the socks go!
Much love,
Cindy
aww let me just say as a former step child of a sometimes scary stepmother, those kids are very blessed to have u as a stepmommy 🙂 they're gonna grow up with so much love 🙂
Ah Bianca!! Im crying! What a lovely letter. Know that God gives you the tools you need to do well when you are following His will 🙂 Youre going to be an awesome mom! And even if you make a mistake, kids are super forgiving 🙂 They will love you!
This is absolutely beautiful!! I seriously just shed tears reading this. I have no doub you'll be a great stepmom! How awesome!! 🙂
You're right about how the media didn't really help the cause of stepmothers. Case in point: Cinderella! I grew up with a stepmother and I didn't know how to handle it. All I could think about was the evil stepmother and stepsisters in that story! I wasn't the best stepdaughter and stepsister then, but so much was different back then. God was not in the picture in our family. I struggled with feeling unloved and forgotten. But when I let Jesus into my life, He turned things around, and thank God it wasn't too late for our situation to be redeemed. I already know that it's going to be so different with you. You're already off to a great start, because having God in the midst of your family already makes all the difference. 🙂
Dear Step mom extraordinare, this was Beautiful!! You are and are will continue to be super amazing with them! They are super blessed to have you and as hard as it might get sometimes they will definitely bless your sock off!
Love,
Wicked Stepmother 🙂
Hey girl! I am so with you! I married my hubby 6 years ago and gained a family. My step children were 3 & 5 at the time and I was absolutely SCARED. It has been a very difficult challenge to embrace, but one SOOO worth it. A Blended family can be difficult…yet with Jesus Christ…even the difficult times (with ex wives, kids, memories that I wasn't in, etc), even those times are bearable and God pressed me thru them (presses me thru them:)) for my character development. I adore my step children and look forward to their arrival every week . When I married my husband he was worried that he had so much "baggage"…but the truth is…he didn't..he had "blessings". Praying for you as you enter your union with your fiance. I am praying that God surrounds you with people who will continue to point you towards him! If you ever need someone to hear you out as you walk thru "step-mommy hood"…here's one stranger…yet a sister in Christ who's been there!
Bianca Honey,
Wow! what a post. I can sense a little hesitation, but worry not, God is in control over all you do.
I have a Step Dad. He married my Mom when I was 5. He did not accept me when I was little, actually not until I was 18. But..HE did provide a home form me, clothing, food, education, learning right from wrong and a sense of family. Although I was kept at a distance due to the stigma of "the not your child thing"…He has turned out to be the BESTEST FATHER IN THE WORLD. He has apologized to me profusely for treating me the way He did, but He did not know any better. He was following what society was saying, YOU are following what God is saying. HUGE difference there. I am not the perfect Mom, nor do I claim to be. But one thing I do know, is Show love, companionship and you will be wonderful.
I also pray every night after my Daughters go to bed, that they forget anything I did wrong, or said wrong, for God to erase those memories from their minds. God has been wonderful to me and my Family.
You will make mistakes along the way and that is ok. Just try not to do them again.
You will learn from the Children as well as the Children learning from you. You will be able to teach them what you were taught.
And WOW..Matt commented! Tubular Dude!
This will be an exciting adventure for you, a journey like no other. Not all steps are bad and I know you will be wonderfully awesome! Happy Baking and mud playing!
Mommies Unite!
B!!!! Wow!!!! This post is up there – prob one of your most touching. I can't even front – I am slightly teary eyed so I feel you Matt. You are gonna play a huge role in Ryen & Parker's life and they will be a huge blessing to you in ways you would have never imagined. Stay on cruise control and let God maneuver you through this new road.____I need to let my daughter read your letter, she thinks stepmom's are mean cos of Cinderella just as you mentioned. Stepmoms can be Extraordinare!
Hi Bianca,
this sounds awesome and believe me, to be a Mom (or a Dad) is not so difficult like it sounds (maybe sometimes) 😉 I think you will be a great (step) Mom.
Love from Mallorca (Spain),
Markus 🙂
May I just say that seeing you two on stage Tuesday was heart-warming. Your love and admiration for eachother are very apparent, and I am so happy for you. God has chosen you to bring pure joy and laughter to the lives of these little ones. I have seen first hand the important role that a stepmother has to take. Even wicked stepmothers have the ability to make the child feel warm and safe. You have chosen to love them and you WILL love them in a way that no one else could. There will be drama, but the fruit of your labor will not be in vain. 😉
What a beautiful letter!! You melted my heart!! That you love HIM (Jesus) IS enough! And that you love him (Matt) will make it easier. Pray like crazy And even when times get tough (i am a step mom too) Agape Love IS the answer. Those kiddos are blessed! May God's grace pour out over you as you enter into this new season of your life. I will continue to pray!
You definitely just brought tears to my eyes. When you said "Even if I’m mad at Daddy or he’s mad at me, I’ll never leave him. Or you. I promise." it really touched me. I think all parents should think about that, "step" or not.
I know being a step-parent is a little daunting, but I think as long as you stay genuine, and you very much seem to be, I think you'll be just fine. 🙂 I have step-parents in my life, and although it was an adjustment, I love them and can't imagine my life without them. They don't replace my parents, they're just a little more love I get to have in my life, and in a new and different way.
Bianca you had me in tears, My family has taken on many mixed,step and broken families: we have bonded with LOVE and forgivness! No one knows the situation unless they experienced it! you know how to get hold of us, if ever you need words of wisdom or advice,don't hesitste to call. And remember to continue to pray for their Mom too!!!! LOVE YOU BIANCA
B, WOW!!! Serious water works here at work and people lookin an me all crazzzzy! Coming from a girl who's three months out from having her engagement called off!! Don't do that to me… but I absolutley love and adore this!!! Your relationship with Matt and especially the one you have with his children lets me know even more that God is so amazing. You remind me a lot of myself and though I know it's not perfect I pray that God blesses me with a relationship like yours. Does that make sense? You two are a very good example of what I want the next one to be like. I pray that God will continue to bless your lives and the kiddos lives even more.
much love always,
Lesslie
You will be a great step-mom because you are a good person with a big heart and a lot of love and really that's all a kid really needs. Just be yourself and K.I.R!!!
Thank you for being so open to accepting his children as part of the unconditional love you have for him. I am a single mom, and my son's dad is married. My son's step-mom is a great girl. While we aren't BFFs, I trust her with my son, and know she loves him with all of her heart. She has written to me before expressing her desire to not replace me but simply be the best she can when my son is with them. You don't know how much peace it brings me to know that. (Before he got married, my son's dad dated another girl for a while that didn't give my son the time of day.)