It’s kind of like prom. Signs are everywhere, everybody is making plans, and everyone is going to celebrate. You stare at everyone and look at their excitement, but you aren’t going. You haven’t been invited. An invisible trombone from heaven rings out a sad wuh wuh wuuuuuh, and you stand with a half smile on your face while life pushes forward.
That’s Mother’s Day for the average step-mom. No, it’s not tragic or life-ending, but it’s the reminder that you’re a substitute, an alternative, a fill in.
I was reminded of this by my step-daughter Ryen during her nightly bath. Well, my five year-old said as I rinsed shampoo from her hair, I have to go to mommy’s house on Sunday because she’s my mom, she stated to clarify her calendar schedule with me. I agreed and listened to her talk about the card she made her and the lunch plans they had and all the fun things they would do.
I felt like the girl standing by the lockers with an over-sized backpack who didn’t get asked to prom. I heard about the plans, helped pick out outfits, and planned transportation—except I wasn’t the one going.
After dinner was served, baths were done, and bedtime books were read, I told Matt the truth.
Who knew I could be jealous of a five year olds calendar plans?
I totally and completely didn’t know I was this immature!
I do everything for them like a real mom except I don’t get any fun.
[enter sad trombone sound here]
The week went on and I–tried–to mature. I mean, really! I’m a grown adult who is paralleling life to PROM. [Get a grip, Bianca! Get. A. Grip.] Matt consoled me and told me that I matter, that they do love me, and that one day I’ll get asked to prom—um, I mean celebrate Mother’s day.
As a s’mom, I don’t want to take the role of mom. Nor do I want them to choose who to love. I want them to know there are three people in their lives that love them and parent them. I also had to grapple with why I needed their affirmation and why it mattered. The bottom line is I needed to grow up.
On Friday I drove to Parker’s school to pick him up after work. It was the regular routine. I asked him about his day, what he learned, and what was special. He casually tossed his backpack into the car [like all totally cool first graders do], clicked on his safety belt and drove off. During our ride he cracks open his backpack and pulls out a paper bouquet of construction paper flowers and a card he made for me at school. Happy Mother’s day, he says with smile.
And at this point people, I nearly DIE. I gushed about how I loved it, how totally awesome my flowers are, and thanked him for inviting me to be part of his life. He smiled, probably unsure as to why I acted like I was just asked to prom, and casually said, You’re welcome, B.
The night was filled with fun as I received a card from Matt, my in-laws, and the kids for Mother’s day. I totally reinacted a Sally Fields moment minus the whole, You love me! You really, really love me! That would have been overboard. And we all know dramatic girls never get asked to prom again. 😉
Happy Mother's Day Bianca! What a sweet story. Thanks for sharing your honesty in "wanting to be asked to prom"….it's always a good feeling to find out you've been on the list all along. Hope you and your Mom have a great Mother's Day!
So sweet! Happy Mother's Day! That is amazing.
Aww Bianca. I love you girl! The dramatic scenes that play out on your head, your pop-culture references, your transparent heart that calls a spade a spade and *especially* your inner Sally Fields. So glad you feel celebrated and loved today. xoxo
Play out *in* your head. Not on your head! I really should read through what I type before hitting publish. That would have bothered me! OCD? Yes.
Happy Mothers Day! To you and your wonderful mom. Have a low calorie day. 😀
B. I was thinking how lucky you are to share in the lives of these beautiful children! It takes a caring, loving woman to love a man and take him in with his kids…that’s sacrificial love that a mom and only a mom can offer. I don’t see you as a smom although scientifically maybe you are but some real moms don’t do bed time stories and show affirmation and love and you do. Have a wonderful Mother’s Day! Love this post.
Happy Mother's Day!!!!! xo
Happy Mother’s Day! May you get many more paper flowers!
Aw. That's really sweet and even though this is a new role for you and a huge change it sounds like you're embracing it full force. I know the kids will fall in even more in love with you as the years go by and see you living a life dedicated to Christ. Happy Mother's Day 🙂
What a sweet post! Happy Mother's Day friend!
I love the prom analogy. I think you handled it rarely calmly though. I so would've balled my eyes out after receiving that bouquet. God is good. He used your stepson to remind and affirm what you do as his stepmom.
🙂 Happy Mother's Day, Bianca!
Oh friend!! The life of a s’mom is definitely interesting. You have just perfectly described our lives but those little moments make it worthwhile. They love you and will appreciate you more than you can imagine. Love you.
happy mama's day to the s'moms!!! Lord knows those kids NEED you guys.
I hear you 🙂 I officially became my step kids, step mom last month when I married their father after we've been together for nearly 8 years. I've always felt a little out of the loop putting in the motherly work, but not getting the recognition. This year there wasn't a peep of a "happy mothers day", "thanks for all you've done". Nada. I was content to throw my own pity party but agree with you that I need to get over it and move on.
happy mothers day bianca and thanks again for sharing 🙂
Hey B!!! no worries, in time they will know what a blessing they have right in front of them, I know I had 2 steps in my life growing up, and I'll I can say is just be you, and the kids will grow to trust and Love you, It's so hard to be part of a blended family, but It can be done, and your an awesome gal!! I'll be PRAYING for U!! Luv U B!! Happy Mothers Day! <3
You are a wonderful mom! Thanks for sharing your heart. That's just one thing that makes you so special. Your mother is so blessed to have you as her daughter.
Completely understand the step mom thing and the emotions! The whole "step-mom" term conjures up Cinderella, wish there was a better term that would describe the sweet, challenging at times, but rewarding dance being A "mom", and not being THE "mom.
I find this sad and disgusting. The Mom, the true Mom in their lives, I don't know what the circumstances of the break up of their marriage was but she is their Mother and never asked to share her children with some other woman who just thinks she can step in and be their Mom. Think of the pain she has and the trouble the children have with all of this. Sad that it is all about you. I am impressed that you can admit to your immaturity though. I have WANTED, raised, kissed, loved, nurtured and nursed my children from day 1. Their Dad decided his high school girlfriend was a better choice for him and walked out on the 4 of us, so now I'm supposed to be excited about her being a part of the lives of my kids?! Not a chance. Every situation is different, but my children, without my input, have decided that no matter what their Dad chooses, this woman will never even be a step-mom to them. They have a Mom and don't want or need another. We work on politeness to her because that is the right thing to do no matter how they feel. Every step mom out there should realize that they are the lucky one. Lucky to be in a situation that they GET TO be around the most wonderful children in the world.
Wow.
I'm really sorry that you feel the way you do, meandmythree. I think you made an excellent point in saying "every situation is different," but you're shooting yourself in the foot by jumping to conclusions about B's situation since it's pretty clear that you do not know the details.
Parker and Ryen are blessed to be so loved by all the adults in the their lives, and the blessings multiply for those that love them too. Love reciprocates and grows, it shouldn't be stunted or held back.
I'm sorry that the choices the father of your kids made put you in such a difficult situation. You are strong to raise your three kids on your own and loving them as much as you do is very admirable, but I find it unfortunate that you project the outcome of your situation to that of Bianca's.
With love and respect,
Cindy A.
You are right. I have absolutely no idea about her situation. I came to this site on the recommendation of a facebook friend and was hoping to find something amazing. I shouldn't have even posted but it just gets to me when I read stuff like this. I meant it when I said everyone's situation is different and I certainly don't mean to offend. Obviously we are still dealing with our situation. It has only been 1 year. It's not easy. Taking my kids from me even if it is only a few days per month is heart wrenching and so painful. Thinking that they are over there playing house makes it that much worse. I apologize for not knowing the details before I posted, it just hit me right where it hurts.
Romans 15:30
You, your children, and your struggle are in my prayers.
I do hope you stick around for a while and browse through some of the past posts. Bianca is an insightful writer and you might be surprised when you fall in love with her like most of us have.
I completely agree with Cindy! I wanted to post something right away, but knew I'd probably come off as a jerk and that is not my intention. Bianca is a sweet, sweet lady that inherited some sweet kids, but I think if you read through more, you'll see that she didn't take their daddy from their mommy. She's just doing her best. 🙂
Bianca,
This made me cry(at work, too!) I'm not any sort of mom yet, but I can't wait til I am. I think that despite what others may say, being a loving step-mom is so important and that while you will never replace(or even try, I'm sure!) their momma, you will still be such an important part of their lives. I'm so glad that you were celebrated, too. 🙂
I think this is amazingly special – You are so blessed to have Ryen and Parker in your life as they obviously bring so much joy, and they are unbelievably blessed to have a s'mum who obviously loves and adores them and wants only the best for them. Made me cry a bit – too special. x
Judging by the way you write, you seem like a professional writer.;-:~:
I am married to a man who has a child from a previous marriage. Their custody arrangement is quite different from most people. There are some weeks he does not see his child, his child will cancel at the last minute. His child missed Father's Day completely one year, so we adopted a cat that day! My husband is FAR from perfect, he did some very hurtful things to his first wife, that she may or may not have forgiven him for as of this day, I don't know, I really have very little interaction with his child, and I believe that is the choice of his child! I only know that I pray each day for the situation to change, and all I can do is leave it up to God. Bianca is lucky that her step children love her, and his ex wife should also be thankful(and she could be) that someone is there to also love her children as much as she does!
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