The whole concept of mentoring was like the Loch Ness Monster or NeverNever Land to me. You’ve heard about it for so many years but you didn’t know if it really existed. When people would talk about their mentors one of two types of reactions would occur:
- One: They’d jump around like Leprechauns who found a pot of gold and giddily share about an amazing treasure they discovered.
- Two: Their face would drop as they explained the book they had to read, the homework they had to complete, the pain it was to find a good meeting time, and the rigidity in keeping the weekly appointment.
When Paul writes to Titus and the church of Crete, he’s very clear on a number of issues affecting the church. One of these issues was directed to the older women of the church who were encouraged—if not commanded—to teach the younger women on issues concerning their life. From domestic to spiritual, Paul chides Titus with an instruction for the older generation.
Statistics show that my generation (Millennials) and the generations following are less prone to commit to a long-term agreement. From marriage to academics, the idea of having to make a commitment is frightening. I don’t know about anyone else, but the idea of having to find a mentor, meet her, and commitment to a particular mentoring model is scary! What if I don’t like her? What if she is cRaZy? What if I just don’t want to carry on? I’m concerned about committing to a ten-week small group at church, so the idea of long-term mentoring scares the Zanax out of me.
I remember a while back my church decided to really try to engage the next generation by creating a mentoring program. Though the concept was amazing and mentors awesome, the idea felt too formal for me and I couldn’t see myself as a 25-year old single women in graduate school finding the time for more book reading, homework, and appointments. Looking back, I think I was more afraid of what I assumed mentoring would look like.
In the theater of my mind, the mentor assigned to me would have green skin, a hook nose with a wart on it, holding a red apple and our conversation would go something like…
Ok Bianca, now we are going to talk about the deep, dark secrets of your life.
You ready to uncover the wounds and failures of your past? Mwuahahahahaha!
First, I need to stop reading fairytales. Second, I need to stop being dramatic. Third, since neither of those will occur, I’ll share with you some cool things I’ve learned.
- Make Mentoring What You Want: The traditional model of read, meet, talk is not the only model to follow. Sometimes mentoring can come from a singular conversations with a wise, older woman. At other times it can mean meeting for a month or a year. But if expectations are clear in the beginning, there is less ambiguity in the future. Find what works for you.
- Everyone Is An Older Woman: When we read Paul’s exhort, we immediately think of grandma-type of women who waddle from the kitchen to the couch full of sage wisdom on domesticity. [Or maybe I’m the only one who thinks that. Whatevs.] But the game-changer for me was realizing that in every season of life, I’m both the younger and older woman. Though I may not be full of marital wisdom at this season in life, I’m old enough to speak into academic pursuits. Or dating. Or why all the OC Housewives got divorced. Similarly, I’m young enough to glean from a seasoned mom, grandmother, business woman, and professor. No matter who you are, you can and should mentor.
- You Have Not Because You Ask Not: It was so easy for me to complain about not having a mentor, but here’s the truth: I never asked for one. I made a list of the women in my life who I admired and asked one of them if we could meet. Not only did she say yes, she was honored that I even asked.
- Set Ground Rules: My mentor is an executive level administrator so every time we meet I schedule well in advance, respect her time, and always buy her lunch. Because I want to honor her and her time, I’m intentional about not showing up late, going over in time, or expecting her to meet me. Your mentor is doing you a favor. Act like it.
I’m honored to meet with a few girls as they are trying to do life well. We don’t go through books, I don’t teach a bible study, we don’t have weekly meetings, but we have fun and allow space for real, hard, and uncomfortable conversations.
Last night I had a coworker and two of our interns come over for dinner. Over kale salad, chicken, and rose potatoes, we spoke about life, the Holy Spirit, and their future. And you know what that was? MENTORING! See, it’s easy. You can do it!
To cap off the night we watched two hours of The Bachelorette. Because I obviously need to be mentored on how to be a good mentor. 😉
Just ignore our sweaty faces. We worked out during all the commercial breaks… you know, to balance out reality television trash.
Do you mentor? Are you mentored? What tips can you add to the conversation?
I’m currently helping with a youth group so it’s been great getting to help with the middle and high school girls. I’m still getting to know them, but I definitely am aiming to spending more time with them outside of youth. I got to spend one-on-one time with one of the girls and it was great! Not necessarily life stories, deep spiritual talk kinda stuff, but just getting to know each other. That’s one thing to remember as a mentor, don’t have crazy expectations or compare to past people you’ve mentored. Each person will approach it differently, so adjust accordingly.
I don’t have a mentor right now, which has been on my heart to have one!
As you pour into the lives of young women, I pray God brings a great woman to mentor you! Thanks for building the kingdom. XO
I feel like the biggest complaint of 20 something women is that they aren’t being mentored. I seriously can not relate. I never had a hard time finding someone willing to teach me the things God teaches them and have had dozens of mentors for all sorts of things. Great reminder to go out and ask! Also to not despise the mentoring moments that can leave lasting impact! Honestly, it’s exhausting to expect one super woman to have modeled every aspect of life… God uses all sorts of women to make me me. Makes life fun!
Preach it, Shaena! I love your directness and honesty. Hope you and Nick are well 🙂
Bianca, thanks for writing this 🙂
One of the things that really resonates with me is the idea that mentoring is what you make of it. There have been outstanding women in my life who have spoken truth, pointed me to Jesus and taught me amazing things for a season, as if God had them there to serve as mentors for a particular time to help me grow in a particular way. Likewise, there were girls who, during my college years, I met with regularly to talk and pray — some I still connect with regularly, others not so much. But I think there’s still something to be said about those single conversations or few months that one really serves as a mentor. At the same time, I definitely see the value in a committed mentorship relationship that spans decades of time. Again — it’s what you make of it.
One of the greatest challenges I’ve found in these relationships is the temptation to make that mentor an idol. There’s a difference between admiring the wisdom and grace of a woman who speaks truth versus placing the opinion and insight of that person in an ultimate position. There have been periods of my life in which I idolized my mentors in a way, looking to them for comfort, reassurance and understanding before and above my Father. I’ve found it’s easy for me to do. It can definitely be a challenge.
One thing I do know — I will always seek to connect with and care/pray for women younger than myself. God has blessed me with amazing women who have done that in the past, and I want to be able to bless others as well. Besides — women talking about Jesus — one of my favorite things 🙂
LOVE this Bianca! Thanks so much for writing this. I really relate to your mentoring style. I haven’t heard a ton of women that like to mix salad, Holy Spirit convo, Bachelorette marathon-watching, simple catching up, and deep conversations about future “life stuff” like you shared, BUT! That’s how I like to go about it too! Seriously though; it’s encouraging to read your take on mentoring because it so resonates with my heart and I want to go about that process, too. Thanks for sharing!
Bianca! 🙂
Thank you for taking the time to mentor me and so many other girls especially during our high school years. I was going through my old art history class notes (yes, I keep my class notes haha) and I found a paper listing the top influential people in my life…needless to say you were one of them. 😉 Love you so much! I am SO happy to see you serving in ministry, working with the A21 campaign, being a great wife, and mom. 🙂
Miss you B! Keep on keeping it real.
xoxo
Beccaboo
I LOVE YOU. I needed to hear this today. Thank you for being such a wonderful example to me and so many others! 🙂
So much wisdom! Thank you for sharing! As both a mentor and a mentee, it can be so easy to forget the relational aspect of mentorship. Beyond books, curriculums and those helpful little question guides that some churches provide to help guide conversations between accountability partners or mentors and mentees, there is such a beauty to relational mentoring. There is nothing wrong with other models of mentorship (there is a place for each); but for myself, some of the most rewarding times on both sides of a mentor relationship have occurred when simply doing life together! <3