If I’m being honest with you, I walked into marriage with the delusional fact that Matt and I were insanely compatible. Friends, we were so compatible, eHarmony matched our profiles of the thousands upon thousands of weird people swimming in the online sea of available fish. Our relationship went something like this:
- You have can spell and have your teeth, so do I.* Let’s communicate!
- You have a job, so do I. Let’s go on a date!
- You love Jesus, so do I. Let’s get married!
I would love to tell Matt and I had a long courtship, we always dated in groups for accountability, and I learned every thing I possibly could before saying yes, but the truth is that we dated for a year before he popped the question. [Every Christian mom is cringing that I just said that, but to salvage any legalism people may still have towards dating, I proudly confess that I fasted [read: broke up] from Matt for a month to seek God (read: question my sanity)]. But I digress.
Being married to a midwest man of German descent has proven to be more of an adventure than I bargained for. For starters, our cultural differences were not remotely apparent until we were married and living under the same roof. Food items like casseroles, meatloaf, and goulash were the complete opposite of tortillas, jalapeños, and guacamole. And don’t mess with a Midwesterner’s corn! Apparently there are proper ways to make corn. It’s CORN, people?!
Even communication tactics and learned behaviors have been hilarious. If I’m mad, for example, I raise my voice, wave my hands in air, and roll my eyes. Apparently to my calm, cool, and controlled German husband, its—oh I don’t know—DRAMATIC. With Matt, it’s like I have to decode his frustration through eyelid blinks like a modern version of Morse Code.
During our first year of marriage, we had a moment of heated fellowship [read: an argument] and it went a little something like…
M: Whoa, whoa, bring it down. Why are you yelling?
B: Yelling? YELLING?! You think this is YELLING? I’M PUERTO RICAN! THIS IS HOW WE TALK!
Whatevs, man, whatevs.
I bring this up because the other day a friend of mine mentioned her hesitation in dating someone outside of her ethnicity out of fear of cultural differences and lack of understanding. She explained that he was perfect but she wished he could be [insert desired ethnicity here] because it would be easier in marriage. In that moment I wanted to stand up with my melded family of a German, MexiRican, and quarter-Korean stepkids and say, This is easy! The truth is that it’s not. But what relationship is?
Throughout the bible in [Deuteronomy 6:5, Isaiah 58, Mark 12:31, Matthew 22:37-39] we see a level of sacrifice as we are called to love our neighbor as we love ourself. From the beginning of time, relationship and community is what God designed. Essentially it’s a reflection of our relationship with our Creator; we love the Creator’s creation, we love Him.
The early Church was comprised of Jews, Greeks, rich, poor, slave, free. The message from Paul to many bourgeoning churches was unity, equality, and loving each other in spite of differences. As we see the landscape of America changing and melding into a diverse landscape of ethnicities, can our filter and lens be that of deference and understanding for those who are different than ourselves?
Above a diamond ring, sex, and no more solo TV dinners, marriage is a picture of Christ and His unending love for the Church: self-sacrifice, deference, loyalty.
As the cultural landscape continues to morph and meld, I pray we don’t build relationships out of ease or comfort, but out of love and commitment… despite any cultural or ethnic differences.
Until then, I’m going to continue to talk loudly, use my hands, and try to tone down my passion when communicating with my calm and controlled German because love supersedes stereotypes, cultural differences, and yes, even ruining green bean casserole. [Note: This Latina needs to stay away from casseroles calling for fried onions out of a can. But that’s a different blog for a different day! :)]
Comments, concerns, stones to throw, feel free to add your two cents. 🙂
*I can’t tell you how many people on eHarmony lacked in proper hygiene and couldn’t spell. If someone wants to be my baby daddy, they at least have to floss and know the difference between their and there.
Girl, do you know you and Matt are the reason I signed up for eHarmony (among a few others – you guys were the final push). I was convinced that if two SANE, Jesus-loving, ministry-doing people could find each other through online dating, it couldn’t be all that bad. And let me just tell you, I completely agree – GOOD GRAMMAR IS EVERYTHING! The guy I liked the most so far had such good grammar, it made my heart sing, and that played no small part in my desire to communicate with him. LOL.
Hahahaha! This is awesome. But I hope your experience with eHarmMe wasn’t terrible 😉 Thanks for being part of the journey!
The fasted/broke-up bit made me chuckle.
I imagine I that will earnestly long for God-ordained confirmation when I am in a relationship that is headed towards marriage.
Great post!! There’s no doubt that cultural difference are a fun one to navigate:)
Namaste Chica;)
Hahahahahaha! You TOTALLY feel me! Naan and Wonderbread, huh? Much love, Spence!
Part 2 (^^): And by confirmation I mean a sky written message telling me to marry X or a heavenly scroll deposited into my lap.
Do you think that will happen?! 😉
TOTALLY WILL! 😉 Just kidding. But glad we could have a laugh about it!
One of many reasons I should never internet date – good grammar is just too darn attractive! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen grammatically correct Tweets by a guy I like and just melted! “He used the correct ‘their’, he’s the one!!”
(please pretend like there’s a possibility I’m kidding. Thank you)
I love this girly side of you 🙂
I agree with Sara Beth. Your story was one of the reasons that I decided to jump in the ‘fish pool’. Love this blog! It is so real. Thank you for your honesty 😉
Did you meet anyone?!
Ha! I love this! I’m of the Scottish/German/Polish variety and my husband is from Mexico. Somedays it feel like he comes from a different planet instead of a just a different country. 🙂 But I’ve learned so much more about how big & amazing our God is through him and his family. (and seriously – tortillas, jalapeños, and guacamole. I’ll take it) Wouldn’t trade it for anything!
Bianca I met my husband before the “dating websites” so yes…we met “a la old school”! I’ve often heard that opposites attract and so we did. We are so different in so many ways but where I fall short he completes and vise versa.
I’m not gonna say its been peachy keen but I know my life could not be better with anyone else on this planet. We have been together 25 years married 23.
Your blog always inspires me… please keep on sharing.
Utterly uncalled for!!
What!?
Differences rather it be ethical, cultural or ethnical are what make the world go. You defeat stereotypes by exploring outside of your comfort zone. Can’t be afraid. For some its vanity because they care too much about what people might say or pride because that’s how they were raised that stops them from going to the other side. Some people need to realize that they wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for THEIR ancestors joining the melting pot. I know I wouldn’t.
As a midwestern girl, I can appreciate all the casseroles, proper corn cooking techniques and gracious, at the mere mention of goulash, I am hungry! I think that there must be a little Peurto Rican in me though because this girl can do some “passionate” speaking and some serious hand waving!
I can relate to you, Bianca. Thank you so much for sharing it. I love my marriage…we have so much fun together!!!
Haaaa! Ohhhh, Bianca! How this made me laugh! I recently married my kind, loving, levelheaded Portuguese husband last September and we were just talking about all the lovely things we’ve learned about each other over the past several months.
The funny thing is that when Brandon asked for my hand in marriage my parents sat him down and explained that there WOULD be cultural differences (I’m African-American) and asked him it he was ready for this–for life? Apparently he nodded fervently and agreed that he was so ready–scout’s honor!
I’ve learned to accept that my gem of a husband will never have rhythm (no matter HOW many times I turn on my 70s Funk Spotify playlist and t ry to teach him how to clap on beat…not the down beat!) and he’s learning to understand that my raised voice doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m YELLING and that I will NEVER cook a green bean casserole (unless of course he really, really, reallllllly wants it)!
The best part is the blended concoction us mixed kids turn out to be. Ha! Awesome post!
Hey Bianca! 🙂
This was such a great post to read! Kinda in line with what I’m going through right now. Although, I’m not married and we connected on Facebook 4 years ago. Do you perhaps have an email address? Would love to share my story and hear your thoughts!
By the way, I love your style of writing, So witty yet so encouraging and uplifting!
Sending hugs from South Africa!
This was hilarious! My sister is married to a man from Samoa. Last week his parents (while babysitting) gave their newborn twins a potion to protect them from demons. YIKES. My family hasn’t stopped praying over then yet.
Girrrl! Nicaraguence plus Norwegian equals an axe-blazing loud Viking brood! 🙂
Mixed heritage families are an adventure:)
I love me some White women with Blue eyes and white milky skin. I’m Latino.
I just love your posts. Thanks for reminding me that marriage isn’t all hand holding, laughter and sex. This single gal needs a reminder that I’m blessed to be in a season of tacos for one 🙂 BTW:. I had no idea you guys met on eHarmony. I did a commercial for them last summer, still no German cowboy. Eh, blogs like yours remind to appreciate this season of life. Keep it up B!
I hate when people say that..i could never date so and so bc the truth is heaven will not b one type of person and we are CALLED to love those different from us whether we WANT to or not. Its a polite way ofnsaying im better than you. That is all. Because no one from the different household has the exact same way of doing things..it simply doesnt exist apart from God
In a marriage you have to be in AGREEMENT and that has nothing to do with race or culture two people from different lands can AGREE racism is stupid they may even get married. Go figure. GOD CARES little bout the minors like chicken con pollo versus nigerian stew. Besides thats like saying i couldnt marry someone who is from New jersey (which i may understand) but God died from someone from Jersey and me too. Hence beginning of racism.
and in my neighborhood we DO YELL lol. Someone might miss what i said and people dont listen so That is how we talk. Yes yes i know.. but i speak with some family members from the other side who cannot take it so i kindly refrain and go to my other relatives where we have our impassioned speak all day LONG. Lol.
Jesus died For someone from new jersey sorry
I tried to bake..i figured my future husband would like sweet rolls european pasties. Forget it..it was a mess so im back to yams steak and grits..whats a girl to do. Just be you.
Wow! This is my marriage to a T!! Haahah my husband is Irish and I am full Mexican. Im so glad I came across your blog!
I am Australian and my fiance is Brasilian, and I love it!
No, we are not married yet, so no doubt there will be a few (okay, MANY!) surprises in 3 weeks time when we start living under the same roof.
But so far, when we come across differences, we truly believe that those differences basically come from different family cultures. If you think about it, even with an all-American couple, for example, they will have struggles as well, as a result of a different way of being brought up, etc.
So we just remember that we have different family backgrounds, and yes, our different cultural backgrounds do come into play as well – but the differences are awesome. We’re being moulded day after day!
And I’m pretty sure that moulding will never, ever end 😉
I’m a white girl from the Deep South. My husband is Filipino & from all over (his dad was in the military). I completely understand, that’s all I’ll say…
We speak the same language. I’m a lover of Christ, mom, step-mom and lover to my super tall, German descendant, northerner, who’s slow to speak and mild-tempered. This Tex-mexi, loud, passionate woman has taken it down a notch and learned to breathe only because of Christ’s transformation in me. We too met on-line and were married in a year. That was 14+ years ago. We were 6 (2 mine, 2 his), now only 3. Christ, my love and I. Re-write and erase the messiness? I wouldn’t change a thing. We’ve grown closer because of our spiritual walk together.
Hi. I recently heard you speak at cornerstone Christian fellowship in Arizona so I guess that led me to your site. This post was perfect. I have never read anything like it. I say that because I’ve been married for 19 years to a Vietnamese refugees/immigrant. He was raised in the United States since the age of 3, but in a heavily Asian household with all of the Vietnamese customs. All I know about my heritage is that I’m a very white girl who speaks loudly and passionately whether I’m angry or not. My husband and I just completed 19 years of marriage and I have to say that 95% of our struggles are cultural. This shows up on a daily basis. I’m so thankful that he is my partner in life and for our beautiful, mixed, kids. However, when we signed up for this I don’t think either of us knew the impact the different cultures would have in our marriage. I’m constantly reading about the Asian culture so that I can understand how they think And function. Girl, it’s so different than my way of life. Interestingly enough, we lived in Peru for seven years and that’s where our kids were raised. So now, we are a mix of Gringos, Latinos and Asians However, some days I feel much more Asian than I do American. I don’t know why am telling you all this except to say thank you for your article and I can relate above and beyond. I am super thankful that this marriage has exposed me to a culture that I might not have known anything about. Plus, white jasmine rice is an every day staple in our family. Rice or die!
P.S. his entire family can’t live without my green being casserole him. So strange, I know.
I just got your book and reading it now it’s amazing. Can’t wait until this coming Saturday.