Tomatoes. Garlic. Parsley. Olive oil. Mozzerella. Basil. Kosher salt. Garlic.
It had been several years since my dysfunctional break up with Satan ended, but the conversation around the dinner table in Florence, Italy haunted me: once I learned how to cook, I’d learn how to love. I’d cook and create and serve food until my heart could be tasted in each and every bite. I’d whip up delectable morsels bringing mounds of joy and piles of pleasure. At least that’s what I dreamed of.
In a moment of sheer panic and SingleBrownFemale depression, I drove to the store and headed straight to the Italian cheese display. “Parmesean, ricotta, mozzerella, and everything will be fine,” I said under my breath. Throwing parsley, basil, and garlic into my basket like a professional pitcher, I was out of the market and on my way back home.
The whole family was coming over and I had to pretend life on Single Avenue was great, but deep inside the ache of dinners for one and solo lunches were wearying on the soul. Even the adorable Vietnamese lady who did my pedicures tried explaining in broken English that I needed to find a man.
“Um, Minh, I’m sorry but—uh, I don’t—um, what did you say?” She paused filing my nails and spoke slowly. She must have thought I didn’t understand her because she slowly replied, “Honeeee, wha you nee rearry bad is a chopstick. You know, honeee! Your odher half!!!”
Awesome. Just awesome. Now Minh Lien from Fancy Nail is my therapist and nail technician. Next I’ll be getting financial portfolio advice from the guy at the bakery. I’ll add FIND CHOPSTICK to my to-do list and it will be taken care of shortly.
Back on Single Avenue, I prepared the ricotta, one egg, chopped parsley, seasoned breadcrumbs and black pepper in a large bowl and thought about my life. I sipped sparkling water and thought, What went wrong? I did what I wanted to do. Graduate school, backpacking through Europe, all-night lock-ins with kids from youth group. I did what I wanted to do. So why do I feel so unfulfilled?
I’ve been conditioned to believe my life would magically be complete when I scratched everything off of my quarter-life crisis list. But it wasn’t. I pushed everything and everyone away so I could do what I wanted to do. And it was a zero sum game.
The bubbling of the shells in boiling water indicated they were ready to be drained. Reaching for the pot while simultaneously stirring the sauce on the next burner is a feat only few can accomplish, but I did it with grace as Dad and Mom spoke about their day in the living room.
So and so had her baby. He had his surgery. She passed away. It was the type of conversation only years of marriage could breeze through, but it was spoken with love like a soliloquy only a poet could achieve.
One by one family members arrived home and gathered around the dinner table to talk about basketball games, church updates, business reviews, and everything but my non-existent love life.
There I was, surrounded by my loved ones at our dining room table, crowded yet simultaneously alone, and the words of Minh Lien, my therapist/nail technician, were correct: I missed my other half.
My sister placed her head on the shoulder of her husband. My dad kissed my mom’s head. And I—well, I longed for my chop stick, my useful other half.
I served the stuffed shells onto dinner plates with caprese and bruschetta. I made sure everyone’s plates were overflowing. Just because my heart was empty, it didn’t mean their plates had to be. It was a caloric compensation for the emotional lack I felt within. And for a moment, it worked.
To eat is love and to love is to eat. Because eating is sharing. And sharing is caring. So eat up. And be loved.
Although this is something women everywhere deal with, thank you for exposing the plight of the SingleBrownFemale. What's your advice for a recent college grad 'with the world as her oyster' afraid of and dealing with the same issue?
Hey Delle! Here's my [humble] advice:
Don't put off one thing for another.
For example, don't compartmentalize love, serving, work, calling into separate areas or spots on a timeline. LIfe is integrated! Every aspect of our life affects another… I wish someone would have told me this was ok 🙂
Beautiful post. I do not miss the single days. Ugh, that's totally how I felt. I was a single white female (well, half Ecuadorian, but you'd never know by looking at me) and think your advice applies to us all. I needed to be reminded of that now that I'm married and baby talk is at our table! Timelines are overrated!
So not to take away from this lovely post, but my single sister is going through what you just described. All my girl cousins was hanging out and my sis reminded us of this video. She says it is so true. I think your nail lady come up at 2:05. http://youtu.be/SsWrY77o77o
were*
"I did what I wanted to do. So why do I feel so unfulfilled?
I had one of those nights the other night. I was surround by people I loved but felt alone, unfulfilled. Most days I can go through the day and never miss what I've never had, but then there are some where I miss it as if I was missing my right arm.
I've prayed that God would be all I need and most days He is. Let me rephrase that. All days He is. Most days I let Him be everything. The days that it's easier to feel alone and empty are the days that I'm not letting Him be all I need. Do we ever get to that point where 100% of the time I allow God to be all I need, or will I always try to control my own life?
well that was a little depressing.
Agreed.
LoL! I was kinda thinking the same thing! I guess I'll go eat something now!!! 😉
Wow…This is one of the best blogs I've read recently. Thanks for your vulnerability and openness on the subject that is never talked about. 🙂 feeling encouraged now…
The last thing I need to do is eat up. I loved your post, but it was a reminder that although you're no longer looking at J* put her head on JD's shoulder, I'm now looking at you (and other happily hitched women), wishing for my other half, media naranja, helpmate, chopstick, lobster (FRIENDS reference), Prince Charming, etc. There are so many fish in the sea and I only want ONE! I'm not alone and I know that God is asking me to be patient as He works in my life and that of my future husband, but sometimes it's beyond hard to keep from using food as "a caloric compensation for the emotional lack I [feel] within."
Just being honest.
I couldn't have said this any better.
I'm the only single girl left in my close circle of friends. Dang it! It's HARD sometimes.
simple Beautiful Bianca, Im happy you found yuor chopstick. i wish i could find mine too, i came from a disfuctional relationship too, loveless kind of thing but after reading your post, you fill my heart with hope.
Confession – I rather know how to serve this amazing meal and work on my quarter-life crisis to-do list then ever…EVER…let another satan in my heart again. The price is much too high and life has other adventures (adventures with family, friends, career, self development, etc.) which are just as thrilling and fulfilling.
I'm just done with all of that…
Confession #2 – I hope I dont regret choosing these other adventures as oppose to choosing to open myself to another potential satan.
Confession #3 – My satan is married with 2 kids now and is a youth pastor somewhere. Yeah…I pick Italian food over "love" ANYDAY lol
I got married at 31, traveled through Europe twice, served God since I was 12 in every possible ministry…single life was not bad for me. I took my focus off the perfect love of Christ and expected my hubby to take over…I was wrong. My loneliness came when hubby disappointed me and left me alone a lot to better himself at school. Yeah I said it, you can be lonely and married. God is good because he fulfills me and praying for my hubby and watch him become the man God wants is rewarding. Working though health issues and its brought us closer to God and each other.
Thank you for the insight, Liz D.!
Well said…and it made me hungry. On a number of levels. (-:
I REALLY appreciate your honesty here! We are always told that God is your husband (and I know he is the only one that fulfills us) and that we should ENJOY our singleness. But what do you do when you are trying to accept your singleness, but while you are seeking after God ,it only makes you desire a relationship more?
P.S. I think you should start your own dating service like in the movie "Hitch"
another post I can just totally relate to.
Thank you, Bianca. Thank you for taking the time to reflect back on this time in your life even though you have moved on from it. It is so encouraging to read about someone who has dealt with and overcome this struggle.I appreciate your honesty so much
One – I am trying to be sneaky at work and read your blog. Two – I am trying to be even sneakier trying to hide my tears behind my Mac. I am recently single and just trying to pour out love – Royal Wedding Tea Party for my nieces, Fiesta Friday for my family, decoupage Easter Eggs for my neighbors (I would say I am getting pretty creative) … I can not deny that I am surrounded by love. And I truly feel blessed the more I give. But my heart still struggles and hurts… a lot. Thank you for your honest and transparent thoughts. (You also made my day by reference your to Satan, may I borrow?) Right now it seems about fitting 🙂
sigh. waiting for that chopstick/other half is so tiring and lonely sometimes. like even if you're open to it and it's not happening then what. i'd love a little ten step plan or a here's how to navigate this single life well and to actually have hope that maybe someday there will be someone. that whole god um you put this desire here and goodness me i'd love for it to go away but it hasn't so what are you going to do about it because this whole not feeling it and not being satisfied with you hurts.
How love how you right… and i love how you cook (girl, I'm hungry now!!!!)
Ahhh the single life, what a beautiful gift is but a lonely one. I guess I should start adding chopstick to my prayer list.
Thanks for this wonderful blog B. Loved it! So very true!
Wow! I am both honestly amazed and grateful for this blog! I can relate to and feel these women on a personal level for sure!! Waiting on the LORD…and feeling as though the closer you get to Him, the more the desire grows…mmm??? I love how these women have shared so honestly and RIGHT ON about this issue. But especially, thank you Bianca for your candid story and how real it was, happy for you too! 🙂
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