After my three-year dysfunctional relationship with Satan* ended, I memorized Psalm 34:11, The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. For six and a half years I was President of the Single Hearts Club. Yes, I was the self-professed Six Year Single. I joked about it, but inside I struggled with doing Life alone. I did everything by myself; shopping, eating out, studying, driving to holiday functions, hanging with groups of friends.
There were times where I didn’t mind; other times weren’t as successful. Many nights after youth ministry I would chill with my two friends, Ben&Jerry, while watching You’ve Got Mail as I never received any mail. Pathetic? Yes. Honest? Oh, yeah!
But here’s one thing I took for granted: I called out to my one, true best friend 24/7*. When someone couldn’t listen, when no one would care, when everyone was busy, I leaned upon the only one who was there. I would have honest and tough conversations with my Divine Love about how lonely I felt, how ugly I must be, how ridiculously pathetic I was for watching hours of television on Valentine’s day so I wouldn’t be seen alone.
But He listened. And cared. And gave me peace. Was I alone? Yes. But I had someone who was close to me… because the Lord is close to the brokenhearted.
So, let’s do some market research. If you’re single, what’s one thing you enjoy about being single? What’s something you hate about being single? If you’re married, what are things you miss about your singleness? If you’re married, please be gentle! And as always, please remember singleness is not a disease 🙂
*Satan is a fictitious name to protect the [not-so] innocent.
*24/7=24 hours a day, seven days a week
Yes, I’m going first:
Okay, so the thing I hated MOST about being single was when people would look at me pathetically at weddings. Like, “Poor Bianca, she’s he all alone and she must feel like a loser.”
Um, yes, I kind of DID feel like a loser, but please don’t patronize me by reinforcing my insecurities 🙂 Thanks!
Haha! LOL. Bianca you answered your own blog question. Your too funny!
I’m married. Happily married, in fact. But one thing I miss about being single is the ability to leave and do whatever I want, when I want. I know you said you felt alone, but sometimes that’s the very thing that keeps us close to God.
Thanks! PS Cute boyfriend!
I am married now, but I often still do things alone since my husband travels a lot. I’ve done birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, parties etc alone in the last five years.
I love having that alone time when he’s gone. When I can make my schedule and do my thing and hang out with my girl friends with no one to check in with.
I am married and I wish I was single, sometimes married ruins everything and you ended up in a sad relationship, I’m married just because friends and family kept telling that it is a sin to get divorce but I am not happy with my husband, my life it is a frustration and just because we pretend to be happy in front of people, everything is not what it seems, my life ever since I got married has been a misery, sad life, I don’t think any women deserves to life a life like this!! I am so desperate I want to get out of this loveless relationship, I have wasted 10yrs of my life and what have I got, nothing but bitterness and deception.. Please ladies out there, think twice and choose wise before you get married..
wow… i don’t think i have ever looked at a person and thought, “poor her, she is single”…i miss being able to do what I want , when I want…but I got it double becuz i have had kids ever since i got married…so being carried by the wind is something I might even envy sometimes:) But I do love my hubby and my kids with all of my being:)
One thing that I miss about being single is the ability to do things for myself and not feel guilty.. Now I have to think about if I really need that purse or does my son or husband need something more!
Married for 13 years: Miss being able to do EXACTLY what I want without consulting the husband. i.e.: get a dog, cut cable tv, become vegetarian (and not have to cook meaty foods for the family), decorate my bedroom TOTALLY girly… 😉
Single girls… you have a total perk in that regard! Don’t neglect it. 😉
I have been single for over 5 years. The first 3 years were out of choice – coming off a very unhealthy relationship, I vowed to be single. I told myself I needed to be fully ok with who I am and my relationship with God before I got into another relationship. The problem is that with being single for so long, I now find it hard to enter into a romantic relationship because I am so used to being alone.
While God is there 24/7 to talk to, sometimes I just want a tangible person to hug me, or audibly speak to me and tell me everything is going to be ok, or to give me words of praise when I do a good job. And there’s a different feeling when it comes from a significant other than when it comes from a best friend or a parent. I know I personally want that person who I can share my life with… my life partner, who is there through thick and thin. I think the hardest part of being single is wondering what the future holds for me. Will I be single the rest of my life? I’m afraid of the unknown.
On the other hand, as Jill said, an awesome thing about being single is that I can, essentially, do whatever I want, when I want. I can move half way across the country if I want to!
I’m married and agree with Jenn…feeling alone is sometimes the thing that keeps us close to God. I still have times where I feel alone but that is when I reach to God and find He is close.
Ooh, and I miss being able to paint my toe nails and not having comments about how much the nail varnish ‘stinks’! And I miss not being challenged when I have a strop or pity party…but then that’s probably a good thing! 🙂
Being married, I miss time with my girls-I have to make a concerted effort to spend time with them. And I don’t like the constant reflection of my selfishness that I see reflected off of my husband. He inspires me to be less selfish.
Marriage really takes effort and energy to keep the communication lines open. No laziness allowed!
Hi Bianca! I am very happily married with 5 children, but I have to agree with Jenn on the freedom thing. Every once in a while, I do miss the freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I want. But, then I remember how very blessed I am when one of my precious babies or sweet husband comes up, gives me a hug and kiss, and tells me they love me:) I wouldn’t trade my hectic, chaotic “zoo” for anything!
Married…the only thing I miss about being single is having only one set of issues to deal with every day. 😉
I love being single because I don’t have to check with anyone else before I make plans. My schedule is pretty free. I’m learning to embrace that freedom and see it as something good that God can use in my life.
However, I hate being single because recently I haven’t been invited to some events with friends because they are all engaged or married and didn’t want me to feel weird about being the only single one at the party. I know they were trying to be considerate of my feelings, but it is difficult when my relationship status prevents me from having some quality time/fun with my friends.
I’ve also had a 3 year relationship with Satan…so I’m really feelin ya on that 🙂 While i’m not single now, I remember that during that time I learned how the Lord uses loneliness in BIG ways to draw up closer to Himself! Loved that.
I love that you called him “satan” because I had a 3-year dysfunctional relationship too (ending in the broken engagement 3 weeks before the wedding – j.e.r.k!)
Love being single: freedom to spend my money how I want, see who I want, and I believe my light shines brighter without someone who puts a lampshade on me. No need to “check in” with someone.
I think that if the right one were to come along, these things would absolutely be absent, because it’s best to be single than to be with someone who is controlling and manipulates God’s word to justify their moral choices. (You can probably tell the character of my ex).
Hate being single: killing bugs, changing light bulbs and moving things. It’s also nice to be prayed over too, but good girlfriends in the Lord do that as well 🙂
DianaJ (u know me B, xo)
I’ve been married for 8 1/2 years… and was happily single until God put my husband as my neighbor (where I couldn’t run away from him – I mean, this was some serious Divine Intervention) in Aug. of 2000. Anyways, I believe that a happy marriage takes work, and I dealt with being “single” while my husband was away for 6 weeks this past year, but I realized living alone was harder for me now. So I would say, the thing I miss the most about being single is how uncomplicated life was! Marriage, kids, all that stuff brings work, which I would not trade any part of my life for anything, but life was definitly easier and much simpler right after college with no worries and just me to think about!
What I dislike is the uncertainty of it all… Am I where I am supposed to be? Am I currently dating the right guy? How many more heartbreaks or lonely years will I have until the right man comes along? Most importantly, what if I just let the right man go when I shouldn’t have. It is the uncertainty I do not enjoy. It would be so much easier to simply fast forward to a few years from now where you are with the person you are supposed to share the rest of your life with, if only there was such a remote!
However, I do thoroughly enjoy making decisions to do whatever and leave on a trip whenever I please without consulting another.
I was 30 when I met my husband, and 31 when we got married, so I was single for a long time. It felt like a LOT longer than it was, really, looking back.
I miss the freedom to do what I felt like God was leading me to do. Mission trip? Check. Sponsor another child? Check. Volunteer 2x a week? Check. There is freedom to do SO MUCH for God when you are single. When you get married, your marriage is your primary ministry. That is how it should be and I am honored and blessed to have been given to the man who is my husband.
For MOST people, those single days are numbered. So do as much as you can while you’re in them and do it all for the Kingdom!
the best part of being single is being independent and being free to do what I want to do when I want to without consulting with/ coordinating with others.
the worst part of being single is annoying family members getting on your case about your nonexistent significant other. And trying to plan girl’s time out with married friends.
I know this is going to sound lame, but this is like group therapy! I LOVE reading the comments. This is SO insightful.
Dear Anonymous, PLEASE seek marital help from a professional. You are not called to be miserable in marriage! I earnestly believe that GOD can restore your marriage. I’ve seen it happen! Through therapy and/or counseling you can have a fruitful relationship.
If your husband doesn’t want to go, YOU go! You need to be healed. Who knows? Maybe when you start loving your husband again, it might spark a reminder of the man who he’s called to be.
Please don’t give up. Fight for your marriage. I’m going to put a Post-It note in my office wall for you…
Wow..After reading the previous posts, Here is my take:
1. Please seek God before you are married. Prayer is key/vital. Seek Godly counseling, Seek God. Do for your husband as you would do for God. If you show love, it will return. 2. I am married, for 22 years this next October. Wow what a roller coaster it has been, fun, frustrating, sad, challenging, blessed, comforting. I know I love him more today than the day I married him..but, Yes I do miss my singleness. I miss being able to do my hair, hands, toes, face, food, movies etc when ever I want to. I guess you can say that what ever our individual situation in life is, we always want or desire a little of what the other person has, Marriage, Freedom, Singleness, 60inch Flat screen TV with surround sound, 3000 square foot house, Candy Apple Red Miata (loaded), Tiffany Diamonds, Lavish Vacations…the list can go on and on, but when we are happy with what we currently have and are thankful to God for all we have, life as it is should be sufficient for me…
Marriage= The phone always ringing from the Husband wanting to know when you will be home (you just left 4 minutes ago!)
anna peavy
..my Husband just called me cuz he had not heard from me in 2 hours..
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@anonymous – I will be praying for your marriage. Then enemy seeks to kill, steal and destroy. I have seen marriage after marriage rocked in the last year. Stand strong in the Lord. May He restore the years that seem to have been wasted and bless you with more joy and love than you thought was possible!
Married and love it most days. There are always moments when I think it would be easier to be on my own, then I remember all the blessings I have received from being married..my two children on the top of that list.
I truly believe however than being single can be a wonderful thing until God places that perfect person in your life. My sister married the wrong person and now deals w/ it on a daily basis..what’s worse is they have two kids together who experience first hand the effects of that wrong choice.
I was in a horrible relationship (controlling, manipulative) before I met my husband, but I knew God had someone for me, and was willing to wait for him! 🙂
What I LOVE about being single is the ability to just get up and go! And I sure do! And to buy myself and treat myself to whatever I want and not having to answer to anyone. (well, only to God and my mom) and for some weird reason, being single among my married friends, I’m kinda popular with my singleness! And still feeling the joy and the love of others. And really NOT minding going to coffee shops or my favorite book stores alone. Going shopping or to the museum! I like being alone. And I know the ONLY reason is the contentment that Jesus has placed in my heart. To wait on Him. My Jesus is still working in my life. He is molding me and shaping me into the Godly women He wants me to be. I know that He has my beautiful godly husband waiting for me. Don’t get me wrong, I do have my “lonely club hearts” moments at times. But they don’t last long! Thank GOD they don’t! Because it will just get in the way of me loving and serving Jesus with all I got! and right at the moment, all I got is ME =)
anonymous…my heart breaks for you because it recognizes the familiar feelings and dangerous longings behind your words. i too believed marriage was about me being happy, when God has designed marriage to make you HOLY. big difference. i am praying for you too, because i have seen him restore my marriage. we are still in the middle of the mess, but he is far too powerful and his ways are beyond our own. please please seek godly counsel. do not let satan win this battle to destroy your marriage.
Divorced for 4.5 years, mother of two … and I am 99% sure that I will never be married again. I do long for a man that will mow my yard, shovel my snow, drop me off at the door when its pouring down rain … but I’m completely unwilling to do his laundry, cook for him, pick up after him, and give up control of my house in return.
Mostly though, I have never known marriage that wasn’t arguments, distrust, anger, and resentment and now that I’m so completely blissfully happy with my kiddos (excepting that I have to shovel my own snow, mind you), I don’t know why in the world I would ever invite that sort of strife into my life.
And happily married people … I’m not sure I’ll believe you if you tell me that marriage isn’t those things. Even in the happiest of marriages, you have those things and the fact of the matter is … I DON’T HAVE THEM NOW!
To be free of my marriage (mind you, it wasn’t my choice to leave and it was a long, hard road to recover) was pure, blissful freedom and I will never go back.
To do believe in the sanctity of marriage, I haven’t been intimate in all those years (another thing that I miss), and I always encourage people to stick it out and fight for their marriages. I’m not against marriage … it just isn’t for me.
Love the question, Bianca.
I miss shopping and buying things for myself. As a mom and wife, sometimes I feel like I am shabby and not so chic. So although it is kind of shallow, I miss being able to buy new outfits and getting my hair done…because as it is now my kids dress waaaaaaaay better than I do. I wouldn’t change it for anything at all though, but I do miss not feeling guilty for buying a new shirt. 🙂
My biggest hurdle of my singleness is my married friends’ un-contentment w/my singleness! I feel as if I have to comfort them of my marital status & remind them of what it means to “wait on the Lord”
cyn
I have been married for almost 3 years and I love every part of it and there is nothing about singleness that I miss!! My hubby and I do everything together and my family call us crazy but we still want more time together, its wonderful!! My grandparents who have been married so long are the same way, they love spending every moment together as well!! 🙂
Hey B,
No, no my friend, see you THOUGHT you were the President when really you were MY VP! I have not had a relationship in 7 years and prior to that, it was 10 or 11 yrs!! Soooo, as you can see, I am the CEO of the Lonely Hearts Club! But I find it hard to believe with all of the close girlfriends you have that you would EVER do that much alone and no email is hard to believe.
What do I enjoy about being single? SLEEPING IN! Letting my dog sleep on the bed with me. Having my girly pink bathroom and a kitchen with pink knives, cups, cutting board, toaster, everything PINK! Going out to eat when and where I want and cooking what and when I want. Buying what I want and then eating PBJ if I need to until next pay day. Being able to get up and go ANYWHERE I want! From mission trips to Bible studies, to women’s retreats! I only have to seek my husband Jesus who confirms it and them I’m off and running! When the Lord made a way to give me the desire of my heart (going to Israel), I didn’t have to consult with ANYONE! I just did it. The morning I was in the shower getting ready to go to the airport, the Lord spoke to me and said, “see, if you were married to so and so he would have told you “we can’t afford to go to Israel right now” because he spent his money on an HD or plasma TV and you wouldn’t be going to Israel right now. But I am your husband and I am giving you the desire of your heart.” I loved that and thanked Him for my singleness.
What do I hate about being single? My love language is physical touch! I miss a hug most of all, holding hands, an arm around me, a kiss. I miss being desireable to a man. Things that show when a man loves you i.e touch, looks, showing and saying they love you. Serving in ministry ALONE. Traveling ALONE. Not being a Mom or a wife. And most of all, hearing from married people “stop thinking about it, when you least expect it, it will come.” I’m 43 years old, how much longer?!?! And people telling me how old Sarah was when she conceived!
Funny enough, I am the president of the Canadian chapter of the club. Have been for 28 years. Almost 29. Haha.
Sometimes I am ok with it. Sometimes it’s horrible!
Ok with it: Like most said, the freedom. Going out whenever I like, my activities and classes, etc.
Horrible: Feeling lonely. Being the only single person out of all my friends. The uncertainty and doubt that it will ever happen. Struggling to find someone to read a scene or an audition with (because when/if I get a boyfriend, he will be my automatic reader. 🙂 )
But I will differentiate, I am lonely, but not alone. He is always there. But like Kelly said, I do long for the tangible person.
Praying. 😀
I’m single and I LOVE being able to take off any time I want…or change my house up any time I want…or watch chick flicks anytime I want.
BUT, I really crave and miss out on intimacy, connectedness, and romance, too. : )
Honestly I can say that I miss NOTHING about being single. I wouldn’t trade being married for the world 🙂
Wow, this is totally like group therapy. My struggle is that I truly love being single and all the “me” time! I have been single for three years now and only feel the pressure to date because I want children and I am in my thirties so time is running out ! I love my runs at the beach alone, going to the movies alone and reading a good book at a coffee shop all alone. But still pray that I will find a good man who will hopefully become my husband and appreciates an independent woman!!
I love not having to take someone with me everywhere. I love going and just sitting all by myself. Maybe it’s because that’s what I’ve come to do out of being single, but it’s nice.
I hate watching couples all around me having fun. I hate spending friday nights and weekends in my room. I hate when I don’t want to be happy for my friends who are not single.
But I remind myself, I will wait on the Lord. His timing is definitely not mine. I learned the hard way. = )
I’m married and I think the one thing I miss about being single is hanging out with my friends on holidays.Being able to do what I want and shop anytime I want. But the Lord has me married with children and I have learned that I am with my friend every holiday!!
seems like the standard answer so far but I agree. What I miss most about being single is not having to compromise. Whatever I want whenever I want it. Is that a desire to be totally selfish all the time? I think so… =)
Marriage is really great and hard. Singleness is also really great and hard. Don’t forget that.
B im going to break your 6 yr record ha! I kinda like being single, at times it has it’s pros – such as being able to just get up and go to the movies, I kinda enjoy going by myself. I also enjoy the fact that I get to fully devote my time to my daughter. It does have it’s con’s as well and they tend to hit when Christmas comes – seeing families kinda makes you wonder, will I ever get a shot at it = )
Anonymous do all you can to save and fix your marriage. Seek wisdom and discernment on it from the Lord, seek counseling – do whatever you have to do to try and save it. Divorce always hurts both parties – make that your last resort if possible. I have been through a divorce and tho the decision was not mine it was rough for both in the long run.
Will pray for you.
hmm, sometimees it’s strange to think that i’m no longer single… i’m more on the verge of getting engaged 🙂 anyway, i was single until two weeks before my 23rd birthday. i know that doesn’t sound like forever but it definitely felt that way since all of my friends were attached.
the thing i miss about being single is the freedom to make big decisions without consultation. my roommates are all moving to hawaii for the summer and to africa after that but i’m moving back home to be closer to my boyfriend. (we’ve been long distance for two years now.) i love him immensely so it’s not too huge of a sacrifice, but still, if i were single i’d definitely be on that plane with my roommates!
It’s probably the freedom I love most about being single. The ability to do ministry, expand my business, stay up late without the responsibilities marriage would bring. Because I am blessed to still live with my family, I do still have to consider how my decisions affect them, but it’s still different than the context of marriage. The hardest thing about being single can be the uncertainty. I want to be married and raise a family sooner rather than later. Yet God’s grace in this time is growing me, and about 99% of the time I rest in His peace. Still working on that last 1%!
Being a woman in ministry, singleness has benefited me very much. I can travel whenever I want and as much as I want in order to fulfill the ministry the Lord has called me to. I’m not sure that marriage is a part of that, so I try not to allow the ignorant comments of others effect me. Bianca is right. Singleness is not a disease. Doing what God has called you to do…whatever that may be…is more important than wasting time in search of a mate. If one’s life is so focused on being “with” someone, so much of HIM and all of His blessings and ministry opportunities are at risk of being missed.
Being busy about my Father’s business helps quite a bit. It doesn’t give me much opportunity to dwell on the loneliness. I admit I do have my moments, but overall, I’m happy with my life. The one thing I hate more than any other is when people take every opportunity to point out my singleness. I grow weary of the marriage and children questions and comments. I especially dislike the matchmaking. They mean well, I’m sure, but marriage is not the definition of life. Jesus is.
Oh how yesterday almost killed me!! One friend gets engaged and another has a second baby on the way. Although I am ecstatically happy for both of them, my insides were a bit crushed. THAT’s the worst part of being single to me. I won’t be calling anyone with some phenomenal news about my new ring or new bundle of joy on the way … and I want more than anything to have a great husband and babies! Lots and lots of babies!! It’s been almost 5 years of singledom for me, but my hope is built on nothing less … 😉
The best part of being single is not being too busy for those I love. to serve them in the best way I know how and have the ability to serve. As my favorite book of the Bible (Ecclesiastes) says, there is a time for everything under the sun. 🙂
The responses to @Anonymous have been phenominal. I’m so touched and blown away.
Words are all I have. So I use them carefully. Please know you have been on my mind and in my prayers since reading your comment yesterday.
To all who replied to the questions, you guys rock! The feedback has been SO enlightening. Thanks for the candor and brutal honesty.
Thanks a lot for your comments, I have been reading this blogs all day long and your comments and support ladies blow me away,, I felt love throug you ladies.. Thanks.. I think i run out of tears now.. thanks.. loveless Anonymous
Yay back from holidays and already hooked back into your blog!
Likes about being single (lets start with the positive): being able to do what i want when, being free to be there for my friends 24/7, being able to book a holiday and travel on a whim, being able to serve the lord first and foremost all the time, being able to watch the tv i want to watch all the time (he he so i’m still a little selfish about being single)
Disklikes: the looks that married friends give you when you go to a wedding or other event and you are one of the only singles there, the CONSTANT comments from some family members about not being in a relationship (remember gran it’s about quality not quantity…) the lack of romance, stupid valentines day (yep i’m a total hater!) watching movies at the cinema on your own….
hmmm i think i need some serious therapy on this….
I’ve been single my whole life, waiting for the one God will bring me to.
The thing I love about being single is basically having my own agenda.
The things that I hate about being single is having those lonely nights reading a book or watching a movie or eating dinner by myself. and one thing I can’t stand about being single is when there is someone you are attracted to, not only because of physical features but because of his spiritual features him being a man of God, praying for 2 years asking God if it’s him and he is also a friend you’ve known for years and you hang out with the same group of friends and you can’t say anything but is scared that if its not him that my time is wasted on wondering.
Let’s see if i can top everyone – i’m 30 and have been single for 30 years. 🙂 top that!
Hate: not knowing. i don’t mind the idea of never getting married, but i don’t want to WANT marriage if it’s never going to happen. i hate that i have a desire for a relationship, but these days, not much hope of having one.
Love: freedom to do what i want, spend my money how i want, decorate how i want; i get to spoil my niece and nephews all i want; i got a dog without having to consult anyone; i take trips with friends a lot and do really girly things; i get to watch unlimited chick flicks without having to worry about someone not liking them; i don’t have to share a bathroom
I really needed to read this post today. There are great things about being single, and great things about being married.
I’m turning 37 in a few months, and I’ve never been married, and I don’t have any kids. I know that 37 isn’t old, but I’m tired of doing things alone or with my girlfriends. I know that there are things that I’m trying to learn about myself in this season, and I know how much God loves me and knows the desires of my heart.
I have a great family and friends, job, and my health. I try to focus on the blessings that I have, but there are still times when I’m lonely. It makes me sad at times, and then I laugh at myself for having a “moment” but I guess my deep dark fear is that I’m always going to be by myself.
I have to admit that I hate when people say that they don’t understand why I’m single. Me too. Most of my friends are married, and I understand that isn’t all rainbows either, trust me,but I think that most people don’t want to go through this life alone. Plus, I would love to have a family. I don’t think that I have to give birth to a baby to be a mom, but I don’t want to do it by myself. Dads are so important, and wouldn’t want to do it by myself.
Anyway, thanks for letting me get that out. Love your blog.
@Rae: I’m praying for you! And everyone else on here 🙂