Triggering thoughts of misconception and confusion, I spiraled down a dark hole imagining the woman people were creating in the privacy of their minds.
Wannabe Mother Theresa + RuPaul + Judgey McJudgerson = Bianca
To order to absorb context and dialog with new people, knowing them is pivotal to whether or not you chose to agree, understand, or continue to invest in them. We need to be known.
So, this is part of me.
I love cooking, but hate washing dishes.
I squeel with delight when I buy something fabulous for a fraction of the price.
I like cleaning bathrooms with bleach and a toothbrush, but I hate sweeping.
I don’t like Elvis—he scares me. And so do clowns.
I believe grilled peanut butter, banana, and honey sandwiches are the best snacks ever.
I care way too much what people think of me.
I used to starch and iron money as a child. (Ya know, so I can pull it out crisply during offering at church.)
I wear heels five days a week, but I dream of wearing running shoes e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y.
I’m afraid of growing up.
I didn’t learn how to read until I was eleven.
Your turn π
chickee doodle!!! "Wannabe Mother Theresa + RuPaul + Judgey McJudgerson = Bianca" That is not u! I got the post…but EVEN if I didn't, all I would have to do is read your other posts and I would know u….your heart shines thru them all….
Not who I invisioned either and my journey with you is fairly new. You overthink, but so do I so I get it. π
π You're amazing Bianca. I think you do such a great job of portraying who you are and where your heart is on the blog. But I am still glad to know you. And it does help to decipher your posts π love you!
Ok, I'll give it a shot.
I hate cleaning the house but like it when the house is clean.
I sometimes wonder if God's thrown me away because of my past sins & that's why He's not opened any ministry opportunities for me.
I used to dress up like a woman once a week. (I was doing comedy improv & it was an all guy troupe so we took turns like Monty Python doing the "girl" parts.)
I run to food too often when I'm feeling depressed, stressed or lonely.
However, I could eat Swedish Fish all day.
When I was a kid I would have my own "American Top 40" on the cork board in my bedroom I'd update once a week.
More than anything, I'd like to be speaking to churches across the country to get them involved in the fight against human trafficking. I'd love to dedicate my life to setting those women free.
It bothers me when no one comments on a blog post.
I fail to see the appeal of Lady Gaga.
And Megan Fox.
And Justin Bieber.
I work entirely too many hours because secretly I fear God's not going to come through to support my family if I don't.
I am mildly lactose intolerant but that doesn't stop me from eating dairy.
My gas and singing can stun a team of oxen in their tracks.
I really like to watch reruns of The West Wing.
Ok, I'll give it a shot.
I hate cleaning the house but like it when the house is clean.
I sometimes wonder if God's thrown me away because of my past sins & that's why He's not opened any ministry opportunities for me.
I used to dress up like a woman once a week. (I was doing comedy improv & it was an all guy troupe so we took turns like Monty Python doing the "girl" parts.)
I run to food too often when I'm feeling depressed, stressed or lonely. However, I could eat Swedish Fish all day.
When I was a kid I would have my own "American Top 40" on the cork board in my bedroom I'd update once a week.
More than anything, I'd like to be speaking to churches across the country to get them involved in the fight against human trafficking. I'd love to dedicate my life to setting those women free.
It bothers me when no one comments on a blog post.
I fail to see the appeal of Lady Gaga.
And Megan Fox.
And Justin Bieber.
I work entirely too many hours because secretly I fear God's not going to come through to support my family if I don't.
I am mildly lactose intolerant but that doesn't stop me from eating dairy.
My gas and singing can stun a team of oxen in their tracks.
I really like to watch reruns of The West Wing.
Swedish Fish, Megan Fox, and oxen all on the same comment?! Wow, this was interesting to read!!!
Well let's see…
I love to crochet and to read and carry a book, needles and yarn everywhere I go.
I like to wash dishes but hate to dry and put them away.
I don't like cleaning the bathrooms AT ALL. Must be done though…huh?
I love worship music and sing out loud in my car. I find myself raising my hands as I go and wonder what people think if they see me.
I love to smell my kids heads, mind you they are almost 7 and 2. This might change when they get older. HA!
I used to crack my fingers and toes at least 100 times a day…I can't anymore…it's too painful with the RA. I miss it!
I don't like even numbers or oddly paired things. I must have 2, 4, 6 (you get the idea) of everything. I also pick the things from the back instead of the one's right in front. Specially books.
I don't like orange flavored candy, gum, etc. Though I like OJ and oranges. I also don't like banana flavored things or even the smell.
I love to eat lemon…mostly with my chips. Pretty much any type of chips I squeeze lemon on them. It's the best snack ever though my dentist believes otherwise.
I went from wearing heels almost every day to flip flops. I love heels…I really, really do…but the RA and two kids will make you think twice about wearing them.
I have two older brothers. One in heaven (he was 6) who died 15 days before I was born. He had leukemia…he named me. He had a dream months before that the Lord showed him his sister…in honor of him, my mom gave me the name he requested.
I love Jesus….and love that I am becoming more and more bold to speak the truth. Without fear or limitation…I shared the gospel with my son's therapist yesterday….totally unethical in the professional world (I know) but I couldn't share our story of Autism without mentioning WHO is here with us…ever present.
oh…and I love your blog. I love how you write and transfer your thoughts, feelings and passion through here. It's inspired me to my core…thank you. π
Your name is even more beautiful to me now…
B-
Your honesty is refreshing. I just spilled my guts too here : http://bit.ly/b9FERH. Glad to know I'm in GOOD COMPANY!!!!!
Prayin' for ya! We should catch up soon. Maybe even do a video blog post? What say you?
Renee
Whoa. Just read it. Girrrrrrl, WHO are you chosing to be your friends?!
I have no clue who I am really. I feel like there is this mask that encompasses me depending on who I'm around. I've been that way since childhood though. I've known what makes other people feel more comfortable with me so I do those things. A people pleaser who doesn't want to feel rejection. What I've learned is that – even that doesn't work so it's best to just be yourself. BUT WHO AM I??? Peeling back the mask is the path that I am on now. Hopefully I'll get there soon. Once I know who I am, I'll be sure to tell you guys!!! Until then, i've heard prayer works… and I need it!!! π
Sometimes self-realization occurs when we least expect it. When you left your job, you became a new person. See, you're figuring out who you are by recognizing you are are NOT.
That's for sure!!! I know I'm getting there because the first step for me was admitting it! π Now I'm on the true path of discovery.
Ha-ha..
Bianca,
Wannabe Mother Theresa + RuPaul + Judgey McJudgerson – what are you talking about?
I was the one who owned up to being confused by the post. No onle else did, but many commented in very different ways on that HOT topic.
Personally, when I was commenting, I already followed your blog for a while, loved every bit of it and admired you. I also heard you speak live once and loooved your energy, honesty, zeal, courage..excellence. And all those fragile, real things that can be felt only live did not escape me.
In your topic you brought up a valid point that there is a tendency of slack attitude towards worship – a heart issue, the symptom of which can, sometimes, be seen in appearance – Right?
Initially I saw a point that there is a slack attitude in appearance to the church.
I believe many people saw it this way because in many responses I saw immediate sharing who wears what in our home churches and how we personally dress for worship. Dress-mess – it was on heart! But few people shared about fire and zeal towards worshiping God present or not in their churches/ their lives…
(continued)
I love to clean but hate it when others do it for me.
I have OCD but hide it very well
I fear I will never enter the kingdom of heaven because of what i did as a christian.
I desire to be forgiven but at times refuse to forgive.
I get upset that you’re so hard on yourself… you are a beautiful woman ans so NOT FAT!!!
Come clean for me. I don't mind it π
i wear flipflops all day, every day (and if i can pull it off with my church outfit – i WILL wear flipflops to church… (i didn't comment on your post about "appearance at church" because i love wearing jeans & shirts & flipflops). this island girl (who is only 5'1) hates heels or anything that encloses my feet with a passion. (my feet are claustrophobic) π
see even if i didn't agree with "dressing up"…i didn't think you were judgmental at all. you were just airing out your thoughts. and people who know your heart behind what you posted know what you mean. people don't have to "know" you to understand that you meant well.
so don't worry. just go ahead and do like RuPaul says: "You betta wooooork, work it girl, do your thang on the runway…" (or do yo thang on this blog…) walk, talk, preach in the name of love! =]
In my opinion, we as a culture are psyched on appearance and it is almost like a overshadowing flag-word on which we zoom-in so readily. I did. And I am sorry again I didn't notice the real issue you brought. I didn’t not because I thought wrong of you – I simply saw a flag word which to me, because of my past, is also like a red cloth for a bull. And off I went to fight with wind-mills of shadows of the past.
(continued)
I come from a background where people (especially older women) judged big time and in some smaller churches even gossiped at during or after services right behind your back about your appearance and moves – yes -moves – kneeling on time, yawning, not knowing words to a song, being late for whatever reason. Also, being a teen at that time I probably overreacted and saw everything in extremely dark tones. But it disgusted me. I rebelled big time! No I wasn't saved. But I had a hunger. I loved coming to big empty church to "be with God". Empty big building, when there was pressure, no judgment, nothing – I could just BE. Whenever I wanted. However I was dressed. To pray. And to listen to that incredible silence, feeling totally accepted.
Only 5 years ago G-d in His amazing grace brought me to a church where I could breathe and listen even if the church was filled with people. But before I noticed anything, – I was indignant – jeans!! People actually wore jeans – whaaat!?
(continued)
YOU CAN COMMENT ANY TIME! Share your heart π It's an open forum.
…Fast forward – I am saved. I loove the freedom wearing jeans to worship or to dress-up. But I also can't let myself to notice people's appearances because it is so easy to start doing what was done to me.
You see, I was surprised to discover that I myself can be very judgmental and have to capture every single thought about people's appearances and choke it. Especially inside the church building. It was a slow process of learning to overlook the appearance. But, like recovered addict has to avoid every hint of the substance, I have to fight any inkling to look on outside. Even if outside is just a symptom. I was yoked by that whole appearance thing and hate that bondage looking back. G-g is still cleaning me out and teaching me things in that field.
Coming from an orthodox denomination and to nondenominational, ALIVE and REAL church, I have to cling to the only thing that matters – Word, Love. I couldn't get those things in the church where everyone looked as perfect as possible.
(yes – again – continued- so sorry)
Hmmm… the short version:
I love sports (esp. college hoops), but couldn't play to save my life.
I love the ocean but am afraid of deep water.
And bridges.
I enjoy cooking and entertaining, but have recently begun to get more excited about my guests exit than entrance. (Not everyone, but the list is growing…)
I too enjoy finding a great deal at the store! As long as it's a gazillion percent off, I'm all over it!
I care too much about what people think about me and have a very difficult time confronting face to face.
I love TV. Almost any TV show is on my list. And I'm with ya, Jason Wert, The West Wing rocks. Can't get enough of that writing.
My father hasn't spoken with me in about 5 years. His choice, not mine.
This probably has everything to do with my fear of rejection and why I can't let an old relationship go.
I want to get my business started again, but am afraid I don't really have anything to offer.
I too am "Wannabe Mother Theresa + Judgey McJudgerson = Annie" (Can't pull off the RuPaul part though!)
And I'm a huge fan of the future Mrs. O!
Best deal I've ever gotten:
Diane Von Furstenburg dress. Originally $495 dollars. I paid $15. Oh yeah!
THAT is amazing!! Easily a gazillion percent off!
To conclude – my comments were a reaction to the flag word "appearance at church", main mover was defensiveness and over- protectiveness, fueled also by numerous other comments solely about appearance. It had nothing to do with thinking bad about you – it was a response to the concept. You do ask interesting, thought-provoking questions sometimes, inviting a response to the topic, not to you, don’t you?
_____________________________
By the way – I passionately hate ironing.
Loove cooking, gardening, even cleaning. Need nature walks as often as possible – prefer trees, lakes and mountains to the beach. Take simple things such as soft grass, flowers, nice smells, beautiful skies, or a pretty leave on the ground as special gifts prepared for that very moment for me by G-d.
Love,
Aljolja (or Alyolya – it is the way my brother pronounced my name yeeears ago when he was little)
P.S. I don’t have a moral right to comment anymore for months ahead – it seems to me I ran out of the quota so bad, I’ll be tackled soonο)
the more i know about you, the more i love. i'm serious.
few tidbits about me:
i don't like chocolate.
i burp. loud.
i love a good margarita. or two.
i am VERY insecure.
i love to eat.
i was pretty nervous about meeting you.
aww wait you got to meet bianca?? im from socal and i haven't even met her yet? o_O
uhm btw. i burp LOUD too. this is why i heart you!
but i need to pray for you. i dont know why u don't love chocolate.
doesn't that just mean there's more in the world for YOU!? π
nooooo. because i would LOVE to share the goodness that is teuscher truffle with you one day!
girl next time you're here in cali… pls save a lil bit of extra time for me. i want more alece time!
Alece, WHY on earth did I make you nervous? I felt like I've known you for years!
Patricia, I'm with Alece… chocolate isn't a need for me. In fact, I'm allergic to it. It makes me break out in fat.
Hi, nice to meet you!
A glimpse . . .
God and I, we dance
I love the country lifestyle, yet my pink rubber boots don't fit in
I am living my dream living in the country
More than I could imagine, more than I deserve
My children: 2 horses, 2 dogs, and a cat
I love my Mom and Ed. The rest of the family: tbd
I have a neighbor family
I am always seeking to learn
I tend to lead
Everyone I meet I am constantly thinking: "how can I help you?"
I love to cook really yummy healthy food (best from my garden) – feels so good!
I want to help the youth change their lives
Ed told me: "you're not afraid to fail, I was always afraid." I didn't know that about myself till this weekend.
I fear the unknown and have a hard time trusting men – in the relationship category
I have to leave now to study for my Master's comprehensive exam
I have test anxiety
Keep writing! Some people get it π
Pink rubber boots? Wow, you're a country diva π Love it!
Hmmm….
I love to sing. Loudly. At the top of my lungs in the car by myself.
I eat M&Ms one color at a time. I don't do this conciously.
I am 6 feet tall…..and hate it.
I hoard mild sauce from Taco Bell and wet naps from Chik-Fil-A.
I love being from the South – everything about it – the accent, the hospitality, the slow pace.
I have lost 2 dear friends in car accidents, and now I have a fear that every time the phone rings, it's someone calling with bad news.
I absolutely cannot wait to get to Heaven, and I hope the Lord comes back while I'm still alive!
Who DOESN'T sing out loud in their car?!
I'm with you!
I also love to cook but hate to clean up afterwards
I pick my nose
I have been known to be hanging out with friends at dinner, concerts, hang outs, etc…and be reading a book.
I want to wear heels everyday
I am jealous of my friends that have parents that pay for everything for them, even though I am proud that I can pay for everything myself, including buying my own home.
When I start to fall asleep in church I sit on the edge of my seat to stay awake
God has called my husband and I to buy an ice cream store-no lie.
Bwahahahahahahaha! Hold on… bwahahahhahaha! I can't believe you wrote: I pick my nose.
I mean, everyone has to do it, but you just put it out in the cyberworld. Classic.
Bee,
I adore how you always keep it 100 (% real). I repeat I'm a girl who's been known to spend $20 dollars on a hair blow out to meet my girlfirends for dinner but pull my hair up in a messy ponytail for church…you we speaking to my heart with that post and I was convicted. So thank you!
What else?
I love …
Dorritos dipped in cottage cheese.
Old re-runs of Rosanne and the Golden Girls late at night.
Saving my back issues of Vanity Fair.
Spending a few bucks on a good hair blowout and pretending I woke up like that!
…and I dream of meeting a man who won't freaked out by all this secret girl behavior of mine!
Dorritos and cottage cheese? I'm getting nauceous. And my eye is twitching.
Good thing our friendship stretches to college… π
Ok… I'll be a sport….
I love to cook for others.
I wish I could dance on stage at least one more time!
I think in I Love Lucy episodes and quote them often.
I believe my husband is definitely the better half.
I crave white rice with saucey meat more than other foods.
I struggle with insecurity.
I hate spiders.
I loved the attention that came with having a twin but hated the competition between her and I.
There you go… only a few because I can go on and on and on! π
I found your blog via your sister's blog- and although I am not a religious person (more "spiritual") I love reading your thoughts. It puts me in a good perspective for the day. Keep up the good work!
Ohhh Bianca. How I love thee π Don't you worry your pretty little head about that blog post and what people think. Your openness and honesty, the way you allow yourself to be known, and you willingness to share the ugly and speak the truth when its tough–SO INCREDIBLE. Keep it up, sister. So much love for you!
I'll be coming up with my list soon. I love this idea. I'll blog it. It will be a miracle when I come up with two blogs in one week. Hahaha.
Here we go!
I am a professional goofball. (seriously the church I work for tried to coin it in a job title for awhile ..HOOPLA DIRECTOR)
I love hot tamales in popcorn
I stay up way to late at night and feel guilty about it most of the time
I wrestle with insecurity..which is actually pride…and self preservation
I was raised in a cult where the leader believed he was Jesus
I have been radically transformed
I have been known to make "ridiculous choices" in my pursuit to follow Christ
I like reading your blog and you are one of 2 people whom I don't know that God has moved me to pray for on a regular basis.
I am wrestling with insecurity as I type this…wondering if I said "good" things π
Man, I can't believe people are still misinterpreting that post. Doesn't make sense to me…but perhaps that is because I've known you, oh, FOREVER.
and yea, you already know everything about me too. π
I didn't know Courtney drove to Arizona after your first heartbreak. Ergo, we are SO not best friends. Ugh, I don't even know you anymore?!?!?
Test of our friendship:
Who was my first crush at LMHS? (I'm positive you won't get this right.)
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink!
It is what is on the inside that counts, not an outward appearance.
Many people judge books by the cover and decide to pass them by, open them up, you never ever know whats inside.
One thing about me,
I hate being followed, saved for future reference, recorded, traced, tracked. I'm not a plane or a ship/boat so therefore I don't need a homing beacon! I only tell my Husband where I'm going to be, that's enough.
love u B…KIR…
I just started reading your blogs and watching your vids on YOUTUBE and I already Love you sooo yeah…hope you don't think I am a stalker..I am not..lol π I love to Blog, Read Blogs and Faith! π
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