You can’t go anywhere without someone talking about how over-sexualized our culture is, berating our morals, and wagging a finger at what those crazy kids are up to. But as a purveyor of culture and lover of the Church, something more needs to be done than merely standing by the sidelines with our eyes covered and praying for a good outcome.
I say this because recently the good church kid Justin Bieber has been alleged of being someone’s baby daddy. The allegation—true or not—has stirred up in me the desire to take a stand bring a solid definition of what our view of sex should encompass.
*Warning: This post contains sensitive material and should not be read unless you’ve had The Birds and The Bees talk with your parents.
After almost eight years in youth ministry, I was constantly asked what was okay to do in dating relationships; essentially, how far is too far. The question hasn’t disappeared for adults, however, we have defined our own definition of what is sex and is not sex. The problem with ignoring or sidestepping the question leaves others to fill in the blank.
I hear parents or church leaders respond with the holy yet nebulous response, The question shouldn’t be what the line is. The question should be how far can we stay away from those temptations! And I agree. But isn’t there a real answer?
The questions emailed or asked of me:
- Is oral sex technically considered sex?
- If I’ve had oral sex, am I still a virgin?
What does the bible say? How far IS too far? We need to address these questions because there is a generation of Katy Perry’s and Justin Bieber’s and Jessica Simpson’s who grew up in the church and probably asked those same questions. Were they given good responses? Did anyone have the gall to give them the truth? Or were they afraid of what others may say?
Let’s break it down from a biblical resource and a non-biblical resource:
- When Paul addressed the Ephesian church, he stated that there should be no hint of immorality among the believer. The Greek word used for immorality is pornea, which is like the catch-all for sexual activity. Everything from shacking up, to booty calls, to hand/mouth/genital intercourse. It. Is. Wrong.
- By medical definition, sexual intercourse now encompasses hand, mouth, and genital engagement. Even Merriam-Webster dictionary includes all three areas as sexual intercourse.
If you’re married and Christian, you probably have forgotten the temptation that faces single people ranging from ages 12-99. People, it’s everywhere! Television, media, movies, commercials, books, the gym—temptation is everywhere. In a world saturated with sex, it isn’t surprising to discover that over half of American 10th graders have engaged in oral sex. Yes, I said half [and the data is outdated (1999)]. A suburban group of 12-16 year-olds set seventh grade as the starting point for oral activity. When asked what they thought of it, most stated that it wasn’t sex.
In April 2000, another New York Times article on precocious sexuality quoted a Manhattan psychologist as saying “it’s like a goodnight kiss to them” in a description of how seventh- and eighth-grade virgins who were saving themselves for marriage were having oral sex in the meantime because they perceived it to be safe and risk-free.*
If this is affecting our youth, it’s affecting our culture. If it’s affecting our culture, it’s affecting our church. In the words of Notorious B.I.G, if you don’t know, now you know!
Tomorrow I’ll address the question, If I’ve had oral sex, am I still a virgin? Until then, feel free to comment on the topic and add your insights.
*The stats were pulled from Oral Sex Among Adolescents: Is It Sex or Abstinence?
Unfortunatly, while sex is such a taboo subject, people are left with no choice but to make up their own boundaries – which, when it comes to kids, they will 9 out of 10 times regret.
It takes someone brave to address the issues instead of tiptoeing around them – it’s too easy to give a blanket response to get out of a conversation instead of actually answer. I’m glad you are the one braving it – I can’t think of anyone better. (if I lived in California, I’d totally ‘b’-line for your doorstep when I had these kind of questions! truth.)
Love you.
I have to agree that I am glad that you are addressing this. As someone who was saved in my mid-twenties, I have already experienced sex. When I gave my life to God and accepted Jesus as my Savior, I made the hard decision to not have sex again until marriage. For me, it was to honor my future husband and my God who saved me.
Unfortunately, a friend who I have known for years and was baptized on the same night as me, made the easy decision to continue to live like the world when it came to sex. He was OK with still having sex outside of marriage. Trust me when I say, it has not been easy for either one of us. He no longer follows Jesus and is living with his pregnant girlfriend. For me, it has been hard for me to be single and I am insecure about getting into a relationship.
Fortunately for me, I have wonderful friends, some of who have been in similar situations as me, that have shown me that it is the right decision to wait. While sex is important in a marriage, it is worth waiting for the right spouse. It makes me sad to see that so much of the world believes it is OK (or are unwilling to say anything even if they don’t) for our culture to be so sexual.
this would be a FANTASTIC “Elephant Room” topic!!
My husband is a college pastor. Every year we do a sex series. Why? Because of the fact that the temptation is EVERYWHERE. We talk about everything. We don’t tiptoe. I think too often when blanket statements are given to those who are asking very honest questions about a very serious topic, you don’t help. In fact I believe you actually contribute to the problem. Thanks for posting this Bianca.
And just one thought. If the divorce rate is any consideration, I am guessing the temptation for sex is affecting married couples as well. I believe married couples should pay close attention to these warnings. Blessings!
I agree, we definitely need to be talking more openly about sex in the church because the world is bombarding us with the topic.
..but I also think the church needs to be talking more openly about holiness- not the imposition of arbitrary rules and shifting boundary lines but God’s call for us to be a holy people set apart for His purposes.
I have been meditating lately on 1 Peter 2:9, which says, “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.” Priests consecrated themselves in the OT so they would not die in the presence of a holy, awe-inspiring God. God hasn’t changed, we have just made Him more familiar and less in our eyes than who He is.
As a 31 year old single woman, I know trying to staying pure is HARD and pursuing holiness is HARD BUT obedience is so much better. I think the conversation needs to be elevated from “how far is too far” to “how far can I flee from temptation and sin.” I mean Joseph literally came up out of his cloak and ran away when presented with the opportunity to sexually sin. Lord knows I need to start doing 180s from the line and sprinting away.
Interesting that greed is also addressed in that verse… I don’t think it’s unrelated. A very quick Google search on the word greed brought up this definition: “An excessive desire to acquire or possess more than what one needs or deserves…”.
Until we’re married the Bible says our body SOLELY belongs to Jesus, and so, engaging in sexual activity (of any kind) is a bit greedy, right? We’re trying to acquire/possess more that what we deserve in that moment. The same can be said for adultery.
I am always comforted when I remember that Jesus endured every temptation that we face, yet He OVERCAME. And, even better, He’s interceding on our behalf right now! We have The Ultimate Intercessor praying for us! So cool.
My husband and I had a similar conversation last night. There are conversations we don’t necessarily WANT to have with our 7th & 8th grader but if we don’t have it they are left with gaping silence. The culture will fill in those silences for us if we don’t speak up.
I grew up with a list of Christian “don’ts” but never the actual biblical teaching or the WHY’s of those don’ts. We’ve decided to take the hard road and have the conversations and to teach our kids. We can’t leave it up to the church, youth leaders and others to teach our kids this stuff. I love your thoughts though. I feel like they will add to our conversations. 🙂
I like the word FLEE in sexual immorality. It is both for the single and married. I think the issue of purity begins in the heart. I was 26 when I. compromised and crossed the fine lines making justifications for my sin. I think conviction of the Holy Spirit is a great sensor in these areas. Guilt and conviction is to turn us to God and we should listen. Condemnation and shame destroys our hearts and Jesus can heal in these areas. Thank God for his love and grace in my life. He has given me a wonderful husband who adores God then me and is careful to keep our bed pure even in marriage…weird but I hope you understand that statement.
I used to feel horrible guilt over my sexual immorality, and I hate that I can’t actually make other people feel what I used to feel. Hallelujah for grace. Sex…the temptation, it is so strong. If you are asking the question, “How far is too far,” you need to stay away from the situation. God doesn’t have a “line.” He tells us that if it is in our hearts, we have already committed the sin. (Matt 5:28) True statement that I cannot remember the actual pain of those days as a single person, but I wish I could say that it isn’t worth it and people believed me. I understand the selfish feelings of, “I love that he wants me…,” but God certainly didn’t love that. And, those thoughts will lead to trouble. They start out small and can lead to big regret. It isn’t just about 16, 18, 20 year olds…grown men and women of every age still have these feelings. It doesn’t go away. And, when a wo/man looks at you, as a married wo/man, your choice is to either say, “Thank God for my wonderful husband/wife and the marriage he created for me,” or “It wouldn’t hurt to smile back…(*insert butterflies and the lies of feelings that come with that…and the horrible sin that results*).” It is part of our temptation. It is our responsibility to ourselves and God that we fight it every step of the way…and we can because he loves us. And, when we fall…he loves us then, too.
I am so glad that I waited until 24 to start this dating thing. Was it tough? Heck yeah! My friends were all out feeling special because of the boy attention they were getting and I was learning that I was special on my own. (Does that sound like a grouchy old lady? Totally not supposed to be!) It clearly worked out for the best but it was most definitely hard.
I thought it was going to be easier because I waited. I had preached at kids for years to wait and not push the boundaries and I “knew what I would do when I was in that situation”.
Then I got a boyfriend who looks like he could be Josh Duhamel’s brother (and as pretty as his face is, he’s an even better kisser!). As much as I like his face, what attracted me to him was his passionate love for Jesus. And what keeps me around is how he is intentional about making sure I know that I am loved.
It’s much more difficult than I expected but on our second date we talked about boundaries. Our boundaries come from an intimate knowledge of ourselves. He isn’t allowed to touch my stomach and if his hand is on my leg then he has to be able to touch my knee cap. *No worries. There are others*
But we haven’t stopped talking about boundaries.
As we grow closer together we need to make our boundaries more tight because it’s going to be easier to go too far. As we understand more about ourselves in relationships we understand what we need for boundaries. We’re committed to continuing to talk about them.
B, I also want to thank you for your dating advice. Last year, a man I respect told me that he couldn’t understand why I was single and so the only thing he could figure was that my standards were too high. So glad I didn’t settle. My guy isn’t perfect but he’s quick to apologize when he’s wrong and loves Jesus (and has a job! Boo yeah!)
Wow. Oh wow. Speaking right to my heart! God has burdened my heart with this topic in particular b/c as it was said it really is looked at as “a kiss goodnight”. Me, the girl who was up in church every Sunday and Wednesday, ended up being in the same position (more or less) for 2 months and not thinking of it as wrong until God broke me down. I look forward to your post tomorrow!!
For me, this is such an important issue to discuss that I can’t imagine leaving it to ONLY the Biblical viewpoint. Growing up a preachers kid born to a teenage mother who was given a blanket commandment instead of an education about why I should abstain, I know that all too often we hit our kids with “WWJD?” and think that’s enough.
If there were more communication and education on the subject and WHY they shouldn’t do it (pregnancy, disease, etc.) as opposed to a black & white moral issue, I think we’d have a much better success rate.
We have to stop being afraid that an education is the same thing as permission. Bravo to you for opening dialogue on such a tough subject.
Thank you for posting this. You are right. Sex is everywhere; temptation is everywhere. Purity is not something that is viewed as sacred any longer. And marriage is another topic that is viewed in a distorted way. Society has taught us that “if I get married and things don’t work out, I have an out.” The morals and values that are so important to the heart of God are mocked by our culture. We, the church, the bride of Christ, are supposed to be preparing ourselves for our Groom. Keep speaking and spreading His Truth. He is using you!
Oh I love this Bianca! It is so true, especially in college! I’m a student at Cal Poly Pomona and when I talk to people who understand why I am waiting out, I feel great! But when talking to my friends who aren’t believers, I get this kinda of half smile look and a “oh that’s cool” kinda look. It’s gnarly. I will admit that because of this pressure I’ve felt the need to bend the lines on certain areas in order to not be deemed as being the weird girl with the chastity belt on, but in reality, it’s only hurt me and gone for the worst. It’s hard to stay “pure” whether in Jr. high or College. What I never forget is not the reasons why I shouldn’t partake in any sexual activity before marriage (like many of your readers have also stated) but to know the reasons WHY I should wait till marriage. It’s tough but thank sweet baby Jesus for yogurt and girlfriends we can run to when we struggle! 🙂
Preach it, Girl!!!
3 of my young adult children got married in the past year. Now, we are expecting our 1st grandchild. Sadly, this grandchild is NOT from one of our 3 married children. This grandchild is being brought to us by one of our unmarried children. We LOVE them dearly … and know that this child will be a BLESSING ( no matter how conceived, God’s Word says that children are a blessing), but we are so sad for the life this child’s mommy and daddy have chosen. So sad. So hard.
Also … one of my daughters-in-law told me that when she got engaged MANY of her Christian friends and family questioned WHY they were waiting until marriage to have sex. Other Believers were practically taunting her, and telling her that those scripture verses were old-fashioned. So sad.
Tell it like it is Bianca!!
Oral sex has to be considered sex. Sex is said to be a spiritual thing and your emotions get very tied into it. Emotions unfortunately did got tied with me because I didn’t view it the same. I thought they weren’t the same. It feels like they are now. I regret it so much.