“Oh, if we would only remember who God is!” —AW Tozer
The edge of the bed was the only stable item in a room that was spinning. I felt short of breath and the walls of my mind were caving in. On the day I was suppose to be celebrating my twenty-first year of life, I sat on my dorm room bed and felt everything but celebratory.
Oh…
“Oh,” I numbly replied to my father on the other end of the phone. Oh was the only word to fall off my lips. Oh was the only word I could say. Oh was the only word I felt. My mother was diagnosed with not one, but two forms of cancer on my twenty-first birthday. It was an unnecessary, unwanted birthday gift wrapped in ugly paper.
Oh, if…
If I wasn’t in finals, I would’ve drove to the hospital. If I wasn’t in a dysfunctional, broken relationship, I would’ve called my boyfriend. If I wasn’t feeling anesthetized to life, I would’ve cried. But I didn’t. I sat on a stiff college bed and felt nothing, not even an urge to breathe.
Oh, if we…
We had been through so much as a family. In financial poverty, God never let us down. In loss of job, house, and car, my father ingrained in us, God will provide. In times of confusion, we were instructed to trust the Lord for direction. In times of plenty, we all knew God was the giver of all and we owed gratitude to our provider. And now in times of illness I found myself asking, “What if?”
Oh, if we would…
Would God take mom from daddy? From us? From the church? Would God let down the hope, wishes, and prayers from people at our church who needed their pastor’s wife? Would God forget how she sacrificed for Him, for us, for them? Would God even care?
Oh, if we would remember…
I feel to my knees. Then on my face. Then coiled in a fetal position overwhelmed by the unanswerable questions. I wept uncontrollably and cried bitter tears, angry at the silence. And when the anger melted and my cold heart softened, I remembered. I remembered the donated food on our porch when daddy lost his job. I remembered the borrowed car a church friend lent us. I remembered the fact that though my boyfriend didn’t love me, God did. I remembered the Red Sea, the manna, the cloud and the pillar of fire. I remembered the fish and loaves, the water and wine, the blind and the sick. I remembered who God said He was.
Oh, if we would remember who…
Who do you say I am? A question Jesus asked of his disciples throughout the gospels and a question I heard on the floor of Harris Hall, my college dorm. Who do you say I am?
Oh, if we would remember who God…
God, the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the giver and taker of life. God, the creator of all, the giver of all, the lover of all. God, the author, the editor, the finisher of our faith. God, the first, the last, the all. God, caller, listener, speaker. God, healer, rebuilder, restorer. God who loved Adam, loved Esau, loved Judas, loved me. God, almighty, all powerful, all knowing. God. God and nothing else.
Oh, if we would remember who God is!
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