Happy Labor Day! This is Kati again. I’m back today with a guest post by….me!

A little update for you: Bianca is still recovering. She is feeling much better but still can’t type. Continue to pray for her!

At church this week the pastor tells us that Judas handed over Jesus for a price so small, so insignificant it is hard to imagine. He is said to have been greedy—that’s why he did it, for the money. But the numbers don’t add up. Judas watches Jesus perform miracles but the money just seems better?

That’s not the whole story.

A little over a year ago I wrote a blog post about dropping my nets to follow Jesus. Like the disciples, I was leaving it all behind to follow Jesus. I heard Him clearly and He opened up the door with a job at a ministry so ideal I could hardly believe it. Overwhelmed with gratitude and anticipation I left behind my California home to go to Texas. I dropped my nets willingly to follow Him.

Of course, when I said disciples I meant John and Peter and good bunch.  I never meant Judas.

A year later, that dream job is gone and I’m still here in Texas. The greatest understatement I can muster—nothing turned out the way I thought it would. I’m confused. Hadn’t God called me here for that job? To do ministry like I know He was calling me to?

A year later and I’ve all but walked away from Him. His plans? I don’t get them and I’m weary from trying to make sense of it all.

In this pain and in this mess, I no longer wonder if Judas really was greedy. I know that’s not the whole story and I can see it a little bit clearer.

I can see it because I am Judas.

I am Judas. Disillusioned that this ministry looks nothing like I thought it would. Jesus, where is your power? Where is your Kingdom on Earth and my seat at your table?

I am Judas. Staring at the choice before me, angry that this isn’t easy, this isn’t what I signed up for or ever wanted. Where is the glory?

I am Judas. I give my life to do your work and where does it get me? I trade all of my safety and my comfort to come after you and there is no reward. What’s in this for me?

And that’s it. It’s not so hard to become like Judas. I betray Jesus with my pride. I betray him by trusting in my own strength, I hand him over the minute this stops making sense, when the disillusionment grows too strong to fight it.

Judas’ sin didn’t begin with the betrayal, it began with thinking that this was supposed to end a certain way. It began with following Jesus to find out what was in it for himself, not to see His will be done.

My sin started the same—thinking following Jesus was going to always work out the way I envisioned, and turning my back to Him the minute it wasn’t.

Sitting here in Texas, all expectations are shattered. I think He knew that’s what I needed. When I can finally let go of what I thought He promised, I can see what He really did promise—to always forgive and to never leave.

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