Happy Labor Day! This is Kati again. I’m back today with a guest post by….me!
A little update for you: Bianca is still recovering. She is feeling much better but still can’t type. Continue to pray for her!
At church this week the pastor tells us that Judas handed over Jesus for a price so small, so insignificant it is hard to imagine. He is said to have been greedy—that’s why he did it, for the money. But the numbers don’t add up. Judas watches Jesus perform miracles but the money just seems better?
That’s not the whole story.
A little over a year ago I wrote a blog post about dropping my nets to follow Jesus. Like the disciples, I was leaving it all behind to follow Jesus. I heard Him clearly and He opened up the door with a job at a ministry so ideal I could hardly believe it. Overwhelmed with gratitude and anticipation I left behind my California home to go to Texas. I dropped my nets willingly to follow Him.
Of course, when I said disciples I meant John and Peter and good bunch. I never meant Judas.
A year later, that dream job is gone and I’m still here in Texas. The greatest understatement I can muster—nothing turned out the way I thought it would. I’m confused. Hadn’t God called me here for that job? To do ministry like I know He was calling me to?
A year later and I’ve all but walked away from Him. His plans? I don’t get them and I’m weary from trying to make sense of it all.
In this pain and in this mess, I no longer wonder if Judas really was greedy. I know that’s not the whole story and I can see it a little bit clearer.
I can see it because I am Judas.
I am Judas. Disillusioned that this ministry looks nothing like I thought it would. Jesus, where is your power? Where is your Kingdom on Earth and my seat at your table?
I am Judas. Staring at the choice before me, angry that this isn’t easy, this isn’t what I signed up for or ever wanted. Where is the glory?
I am Judas. I give my life to do your work and where does it get me? I trade all of my safety and my comfort to come after you and there is no reward. What’s in this for me?
And that’s it. It’s not so hard to become like Judas. I betray Jesus with my pride. I betray him by trusting in my own strength, I hand him over the minute this stops making sense, when the disillusionment grows too strong to fight it.
Judas’ sin didn’t begin with the betrayal, it began with thinking that this was supposed to end a certain way. It began with following Jesus to find out what was in it for himself, not to see His will be done.
My sin started the same—thinking following Jesus was going to always work out the way I envisioned, and turning my back to Him the minute it wasn’t.
Sitting here in Texas, all expectations are shattered. I think He knew that’s what I needed. When I can finally let go of what I thought He promised, I can see what He really did promise—to always forgive and to never leave.
Grateful for these words, Kati. Thank you.
Great post!
We, too, “lost it all” when my husband quit a “secure” teaching job to follow the Lord into full-time ministry.
Husband moved . . . house never sold . . . I was doing the single mom thing (homeschooling 6 kids) with hubby ministering out-of-town. 16 months later, hubby quit the ministry. 20 months later, he still hasn’t found a full-time job; he keeps moving from temp job to temp job.
We lost everything financially. We nearly lost our marriage. We lost the love and respect of our adult children. We lost our retirement. We lost our insurance. All because we truly believed that the Lord was calling my husband into the ministry . . .
Here we sit, 3 years later, and all that we have is the Lord . . . His love, His grace, His mercy, His forgiveness. And, what we are learning is “that has to be enough”. He never promised all of the other good things that we used to have. But, He did promise that He will never leave us or forsake us.
Laurel
mama of 12
That is so true, isn’t it. We turn our back the minute it doesn’t turn out how we expect. Thank you for the lesson of Judas, and the encouragement you’ve given me!
I pray you learn (and I learn) that God is enough.
Thank you,
Hannah
Thank you katie!
Wow – now that’s some honesty. How many of us have walked that road – a bunch I’m thinking. I love that you put it to words, sometimes I don’t think we even realize what happened.
Incredible insight…and, for ‘such a time as this’….
Thank you for your honesty.. I have felt this way before.. I never thought that I could be like judas, but you are right.. I am judas at times.. Need to keep my eyes on Jesus and the hope I have in Him.. Again thank you for your honesty, I needed to hear this.
thank you so muuch for sharing this. It is amazing at times what God has in store for us. Many times we have blinders on. May the Lord bless you and may you continue to walk in His ways.
So much truth and humbleness in this post! THANK YOU for sharing your heart and being transparent. I went through something very similar just a few years ago. My whole world changed when I stopped trying to live my vision and started living God’s. He has blessed me beyond belief and in ways I didn’t think I even cared about. So thankful we serve a God who really knows what we need even when we don’t! Praise His Name!
Wow…thank you for your honesty. Great timing on this. All best to you Kati!
Kati, I think we could be soul sisters! I’m struggling with things for Jesus not looking like I expected and thinking full well at times that I am no better than Judas himself!
Never thought about that in this way, what an eye opener. Thanks for sharing… <3