When I think about the life I want to live and the friend I want to be, I can only think about times when I failed. Like, really failed. In fact, my nickname among my friends is The Silent Passenger because when it comes time for opinions to be stated or sides to be chosen, I’ll look out the window, change the subject, or comment on the weather. Which makes me like the two-and-half-piking-with-a-twist Greg Louganis into the pool of avoidance. I’m so good at it, I don’t even make a splash.
In observing culture and social interactions, there are certain things that should be avoided. I’m not a relationship therapist or friendship guru, but I’ve seen some relationships thrive and others strive to make it work.
Instead of listing out how to make a friend [because this will differ for everyone], I’m going to list some simple observations about how to lose a friend.
In trying to cultivate and create opportunities for a relationship, you should never:
- Think of yourself before your friends. This is the best way to wedge out people who want to invest in you! Tell them you meet them after church, then flake. Promise that you’ll call them, then don’t. Say, Yeah, we should hang out, then bail. It’s a fool-proof plan to lose your friends. And be a jerk [Philippians 2:3].
- Say things like, Yeah, we should hang out. The truth is, you never will just hang out because life will get in the way. If you find someone you gel with, bust out the calendar or email some dates for a coffee date or meet up. With that being said, be careful to not come off as the EagerBeaver who whips out your iPhone and twitches with excitement at the possibility of social interaction. You’ll be seen as crazy. And desperate.
- Strive to be in a certain crowd. I’m not talking about a social strata [like cliques, groups, or social classes], I’m talking about trying to be friends at the cost of desperation. There should be a natural fit to your relationship. An ease, of sorts. When you start carrying a 10-pound bible and wearing those jeans and reading that book just to fit it, you’ve lost your unique identity. Be who you is.
- Push away anyone who tells you the truth. Shall I remind you that better are the wounds of a friend than the kisses of an enemy [Proverbs 27:6]? F’real. You need people in your life who will keep it real and tell you when your breath smells, point out when you need an attitude adjustment, or advise you to stop dating that broke brother who ain’t got no job [Proverbs 27:17]. I’ve wrote about this before, but I can’t harp on this enough.
- Take their trusted secrets and share them with everyone you know. Not only will you lose a friend, but you’ll crush someone in the process. And the Lord will eventually shut your mouth [Psalm 101:5]. Even if you think you’re just mentioning it to your prayer group for accountability. Don’t.
- When someone is hungry, thirsty, or in need, ignore them. Don’t act like Jesus if you want to lose a friend! It’s waaaaay too hard. So just ignore their calls or turn a blind eye when they are in need. But remember: what comes around goes around. What you sow you will reap. When you lose your job and the girl you swore was your Proverbs 31 wife dumps you, don’t be surprised when your bros aren’t around. You ignored them when she came around. Duh.
This is all tongue-in-cheek and in no way do I think I have the corner of the market on friend advice. If you have additional insights, feel free to share them. The forum is open. 🙂
Lastly—as a word of encouragement—don’t just sit around and expect people to pursue you. No one will know how fabulous you are unless you put yourself out there. In the words of Nike, Just Do It! And if it doesn’t work, try being the friend to others that you’d want to have.
Your friend,
B
you the Silent Passenger? that is just plain confusing to me…
Good advice on all counts. I'm guilty of the "let's hang out one." I will work on it.
Haha. That's what I was thinking. Bianca? Silent passenger?? I must be missing something!
Ya, really B. I’ve never met you and I’m LOL. You the silent passenger? Why else do u think u ride in your blog hahahahahahahha
Don’t get silent on me. 🙂
Thanks B for these words of wisdom today. I'm definitely guilty of a few of the things you mentioned.
B, call me crazy or if anyone else has ever experienced this please feel free to chime in, does it ever seem like Christian friendships are harder to maintain sometimes? Or maybe I just happen to be friends with some overly sensitive people. Its insanity sometimes.
Tony, they're WAY harder! Or maybe we're both friends with some sensitive people, haha.
Yup!!! Don't tell anybody but I don't have many friends from church 🙂
Wait. I don't have a lot of friends period. Hahaha!! I think I need to re read the post!!
Dont' laugh but I had to re-read again. I got confused and then went on a tangent about the wonds of a friend… read below.
I'm with you, I don't have to many friends. I find it extremly hard to open up to people and let just add that I've always found it easy with you.
So when is our getting together? Bust out the calender woman!
Oy vey! Listen to all of you cackle!
Ok, one of the number one things in relationship is VULNERABILITY. Relationships seem hard all the time if you're not yourself. It's like going on a job interview or a first date… it's tiring because you're not yourself.
Stop faking the funk. If people like you, they like you. If they don't, go on and dust yo' shoulders off! But if friendships are hard to maintain, it's probably because you or the person you're friends with isn't keeping it real.
Truth in love, my fellow CCM'ers 🙂
I'm not really a phone person…I can't think of anything more boring. I prefer face to face fellowship when possible. So in line with the "let's hang out" say, Give me your number, I'll call you..and never call.
Well said. Like Lindsey said; I’m guilty on some of them and victim of others.
In regards to better are the wounds of a friend… It should be done in LOVE and prayer and not taken as a free passage to state what he or she are doing wrong and there should be follow up and encoragemebt instead of ruffling up feathers and fall off the face of the earth.
Ok. I’m done. 😉
I love this. My life has been kinda crazy lately and I am totally guilty of leading my friends on and then not following up. Booo me. I will do better! Thanks B!
Solid stuff! Definitley been guilty of some of these…
Thank you for this post. The whole friendship topic has been on my heart. I feel used a lot by my friends and I think everyone (including myself) can be a better friend. I am so going to post this on my wall. Love you B!
Oh, EO! I love you 🙂
Great post! I hate when I get the…we should hang out soon, let's hang out or meet up song and dance…and it never happens. I used to be the type that would follow up with the person that said it, and I would suggest a date to meet, and would either get the same song and dance or eventually no more response to it. Then I got tired of doing that and never getting anything in return…I even called someone on it once and was told "that wasn't nice" – that I said it, but it's nice not to follow through on your word? OK! And I guess that can lead to telling truths….I try my best to stand in my truth and only want the same in return. I completely agree…I'd rather get some wounds from a friend and we heal, than a kiss from an enemy who means harm.
love you my lil silent passenger!!! 😉
My husband has noooooooooo problem being that guy in telling you the truth and making you uncomfortable. That's why I married him. He's legit hahaha. GReat post!
Welcome to the commentor's club, Erica! Woohoo 🙂
Yes, I married someone JUST like that. He kills me… but he's right.
3 things I have learned about friendships:
-Tell truth in love
-He who has friends must himself be friendly. Prov. 18:24…but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
-Forgive their transgressions
I wish I had read this before I came to college! I met so many amazing people here but most of those opportunities for friendship fizzled out because of the things you mentioned. I think I've learned from my mistakes, just wish it had been sooner rather than right before I graduate and move away. I loved the post.
Geez Ms. Bianca you were all uppp innn my stuff. This was very powerful. Convicted and reflecting. Bless you sis!
Maybe I can get some advice on this one… What if you have a friend who is kind of sucking the life out of you, or bringing you down? What if you want to distance yourself but not out of cruelty but because you just need a break and the friendship is becoming unhealthy? What is a Christ-like way to do that?
Oh darling! I feel you.
It's been SO hard to balance that relationship. But here's the truth: if you don't address it, you'll resent her. Ignoring it doesn't help either because it's just complicating things.
I shared openly and honestly with a friend that sometimes she's a bit "much"… and she takes a lot more than she gives. I explained in this season in life, I don't have much time/energy/patience to constantly be picking up the pieces in her life. It was a tough conversation, but she took it. At first it was rough, but in time we were able to still hang out every so often without the constant feeling of being her savior.
Speak the truth in love!
Intense advocate of others being able to learn from my mistakes. Wondering if I am the inspiration for this post. Miss you B.
Great advice!! I have the hardest time with my friends that are not Christians. I know that I am guilty of the "let's hang out" deal. I am sincere about it when we are face-to-face, but then let life get in the way. 🙁 I have to work on that.
This is such a great post! I wish I would have read something like this years ago.
Interesting thinking…
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This is awesome. It's so easy to forget to be selfless since selfishness is so ingrained in us. I just have one thing to add: If you're embarrassed by your friend because you don't think he's cool enough, you're not being a friend you're being prideful.
This is awesome! Thanks for posting. We are a part of such a selfish generation. Sadly even in the church. My favorite is when people pretend to be your friend as long as they can get something from you but once they're done, they don't give you the time of day. Or an even better one is when people are all hello and smiles until they've graduated into "the super important crowd" you know the one that The Lord has a special place in Heaven for, oh wait He doesn't, then they act like they don't even know you anymore.
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I know I'm totally late, but I think it's important to note that those who take advantage of you are not truly your friends. If you have to give and give and give for someone to keep being your friend, that's no friendship at all. In the end, you'll both end up hurt – you'll eventually say, "Enough is enough!" and they'll get mad, and it will be awful. Take care of those relationships early on.
On the same note, if you require someone to go out of their way to be your friend, and you never return the favor, you're the user. BE A FRIEND IN RETURN. GIVE OF YOURSELF. A marriage would never work that way, and though friendships are a little different than marriage, I would say they have a lot in common. Everyone has to contribute equal parts to the relationship for it to be worthwhile.
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woah.. I don’t normally click the link of a friend’s wall post till i read the phrase ” how to lose friends”.
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Thank you Ms. Bianca
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