Welcome back, friends! As we continue to discuss relationships [read yesterday’s post] and the genesis of how to do dating well, I want to address this itty bitty thing called EXPECTATIONS. Here are the questions we’ve asked so far:

• Attraction: Are you attracted to that person?
• Expectations: If so, what are your expectations of them in the next phase of the friendship?

EXPECTATIONS

We all have expectations. Whether we realize it or not. So let’s own it.

[If you’re a woman reading this, you KNOW you have expectations. You see a cute brother and you do the metal check. Yes, I said the metal check. As in, does he have metal on his ring finger, IE: Does that guy have a ring on his finger? Don’t lie. You know you do. 😉 Just keep the standards high!*]

But whether you are a guy or a girl, we all have expectations.

In Song of Solomon 3:1-3, it says,
All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves; I looked for him but did not find him. I will get up now and go about the city, through its streets and squares; I will search for the one my heart loves. So I looked for him but did not find him. The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. “Have you seen the one my heart loves?”

Though this is in the voice of the woman who is married, I think there is a practical learning lesson for both men and women who are single just from her honest language.
We have desires and expectations.
Many of us [not all], but many are looking for the “one my heart loves.” We “look for them, but do not find them.” So we “get up and go about the city, through streets and squares, searching for our heart’s love.” We “search for them but do not find them.”

Not everyone who is single is looking for a spouse, but statistics will say that 85% of single people want to be married or in a monogamous relationship. So we need to come clean and admit that at some point in “friendships” we need to have a DTR. We need to Define The Relationship.

MEN

1. Own Your Actions Guys, if you go out with a girl, by yourselves, more than twice, don’t be surprised if she thinks you are interested in her.

B, you’re totally trippin’! We are just hanging out.

Don’t be a fool by thinking she wants to watch the NBA finals with you and be your homie and don’t be a jerk by not addressing what things are in the first place.
Own your actions!

[Sidebar: Some girl reading this saying, “I really do like the NBA and I like hanging out with just guys. Girls are such drama!” Good on you for watching sports, but don’t be surprised if that puts you in the NFL “No Friends League”! Everyone needs community with their gender so when you are 48 years old living by yourself and opening beer cans with your teeth and burping like a man, don’t come complaining to me!]

2. Use Your Words Guys, don’t be lame. God gave you a mouth, use it. If you’re interested in a woman, don’t make her guess. It’s a waste of your money and her time if you date without stating your expectation or intention.

Also, if you aren’t interested in her romantically but think she’s cool, make sure those lines of communication are clear. Yes, it’s awkward to bring it up and have someone deny attraction, but it saves everyone heartache and hurt feelings if everyone is on the same page from the get go.

WOMEN

Ladies, you aren’t off the hook.

1. Don’t be weird! If a guy asks you to coffee, don’t start planning your wedding. We need to give men space to get to know us. And if I can be honest, we need to give each other space to be chosen.

Within Christianity there is this enormous pressure to find the ONE. The moment someone asks someone out, all of a sudden there is the pressure to decide if you could see yourself holding on to each other at the age of 85 while the Titanic drowns in the Atlantic Ocean to the interlude of Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Always Go On!” THAT’S TOO MUCH PRESSURE.

You will freak out the person on your date! I wasn’t like this. I was the opposite with my husband. He asked me to coffee and I agreed. But they I totally freaked out and sent him this HUGE emailing explaining how I loved ministry, and I had a calling on my life to preach the gospel and free slaves, and graduate school was just finishing, and he was a nice guy with a great heart, but I didn’t feel comfortable meeting someone I really didn’t know for coffee.

Friends, I have seen Dateline How to Catch A Predator, I was having visions of ending up dead in a ditch because I met up with the Craig’s List killer or something. His response, classic German, was, “No problem, but… it was just coffee.” [Yes, I even did a vlog about coffee dates.]

Why was I single? BECAUSE I WAS LAME!

2. On the flipside of that, I see people rush into relationships out of fear of being alone or desiring jump start the biological clock. Slow your roll! Take time to get to know the person you are dating.

SOS 1:3: Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the young women love you!

She thinks he’s hot, but even his name is pleasing. More than perfume, its perfumed poured out! In the ancient world, names were more than just something you called each other, but they were attributes that represented YOU and your character.

In those days people didn’t take many bathes so men would cover themselves with perfume. But in verse 3 this is what she found to be truly attractive and took precedence over his looks: his name!

A man’s name is his virtue and character. The word name comes from the word, caraso, which means to be etched out. Hallelujah for HOTNESS, but to those that think attraction is all there is, she also says that he has a great name. A name that will not fade away and transcends mood or whim.

Single women: We need to know a man long enough to learn what his name is. Not the name he tells you, but the name that doesn’t fade away, that which is etched in stone. I see whirlwind romances where after like two or three months they are engaged and rushing into marriage. Then they are left saying, “What happened to the man who dated me?” Did you know his name?

This is a man we want our sons to become and our daughters to date! Instead of looking for a 6’4 brother with light eyes, a BWM, and an 8-pack like Usher, we need to look for a man who reads his bible, prays like he means it, serves the Lord, and YES, has a J-O-B!

I know it’s hard being single, but there are worse things than being single… and that’s being married to the wrong person.

When looking for a potential spouse, don’t look at the physical or financial, look at the caraso! There are many expectations we have. As we move into dating relationships, can we be honest with our expectations?

I say this in love: Don’t be lame.

The last and final installment in this series will be on BOUNDARIES. And it’s rated PG, so tell your parents and sign a permission slip for your eyes 😉 Just kidding. Well, half kidding.

XO,
B

*Ladies, take note: We need to raise the bar! As yourself these two questions:

1. Does this man love Jesus? [This is a MUST. If he doesn’t love Jesus, he will never love you in the way you need to be loved.]
2. Does this man have a J-O-B? [If he ain’t a job, he needs to find one. F’real.]