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Being the daughter of and working for the man who wrote a book on marriage titled, “Love and Respect,” has made it impossible to ignore the word ‘respect’ and what it means to me. I will admit, Ephesians 5:33 is not a passage many of us women jump for joy when reading.

“However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
Ephesians 5:33

Even though the thought of respecting a husband can understandably be met with resistance, I think my perspective shifted and things finally clicked when I looked at the research.

We asked over 7,000 people if in conflict they feel more unloved or disrespected?

83% of men said they felt more disrespected.
72% of women said they felt more unloved.

Thats huge. Setting aside evil people and simply looking at those like you and me who are flawed but good willed, then it’s significant that there is such a drastic percentage of people who feel a particular way IN conflict. Proving my fathers phrase, “Not wrong, just different.”

(Unless we believe men are wrong for feeling the way they say they are feeling. But we would never do that!)

It finally clicked for me. Maybe God is giving us instructions on how to deal with each other in conflict because he wants us to be at peace!

I know I want both love and respect, so how are they different?

Well, first of all I have come to believe that men and women are different. Research on the male and female brain gives me confidence in this arena.

Plus most diagrams in the doctors office.

What frustrates me is that people sometimes assume when we say someone is different; we are stating that they are lesser in value.

This is wrong.

My mother and I both know we desire respect, but my mother voices the desire because she feels assured of my father’s love. And If I am honest with myself, I know I expect respect, but I don’t dream about it the way I dream about being loved. But, since I know I want both, why wouldn’t scripture say, “Husbands and wives, love and respect one another?”

My dad has said, “We all need love and respect equally. However, as years pass in marriage, (especially in conflict) felt needs differ. For example, most husbands are assured of their wives’ love but wonder if their wives really like and respect who they are as a human being.”

He points out this difference can be due to wives loving more naturally (generally speaking) than husbands. This explains why God does not command a wife to agape-love her husband. Only a husband is instructed to agape (unconditional) love. God instructs wives to respect in a way He does not instruct husbands. This may mean it’s not as natural for women to unconditionally respect. My dad says men live by an honor code, so respect can be easier for them (again, generally speaking).

So, while I know I won’t be perfect and either will he…I’m making a choice in my singleness to be aware of how my husband is going to feel in conflict and the sensitivity he has to feeling like I really don’t “like” him in conflict.

And hopefully I will remember when we are in the middle of that conflict, “Joy, he’s not wrong, he’s just different.”

Hopefully.

Okay friends, is Joy right? Join the conversation and add to her research.