I make no qualms about my love for books. Reading for leisure, reading for work, reading for pleasure, reading for change. So you can imagine my excitement when I received a pre-advanced book of Trisha and Justin Davis’ new book, Beyond Ordinary. I only review books that I earnestly believe in, so believe me when I say this marriage book is not like your typical marriage stuff.
Below is a post from Justin on conflict resolution in marriage. His wisdom, experience, and honesty are main tenets of this post, and their book. Stick around and we’ll do a giveaway of Beyond Ordinary… just because it’s awesome. 🙂
Trish and I got married the summer before my senior year of college. We were young and in love and somewhat took pride in the fact we never really had a major argument through our time dating. But, man do I remember our first argument! The argument centered around Christmas presents and how to arrange them around the tree. It came to an abrupt end when Trisha looked at me and said, “I hate you.” Argument over! Whatever the issue was, in that moment, she was right and I was wrong. I never wanted her to feel that way again…so I apologized for whatever I did and we moved on.
As kids came into the picture and ministry responsibilities increased and our life got out of balance, I began to measure the success of our marriage by the absence of conflict. So if we didn’t argue more than we argued, then it was a good week. When conflict arose, I knew that Trisha was probably going to be right; I was probably going to be wrong. I knew the easiest way to move on was to identify why she was mad, try not to make her angrier by saying I thought she was wrong, and just apologize. She would feel better because she was right…I would feel better because there wasn’t conflict.
This pattern got so ridiculous in our relationship that it came to a head on a Saturday night about 6 months before we separated. Trisha was leading worship the next morning and I was speaking (probably on conflict resolution or something)…and we get into this huge argument. After a while, I look up and it is 1:00 AM. I am freaking out. Finally, I just said, “Please just tell me what I need to apologize for so we can go to bed. We can’t lead people closer to God tomorrow if we are like this.” My motivation for resolving our conflict had nothing to do with growing closer to her, it was to avoid conflict altogether.
I think that when most of us get married, we have a vision of growing in intimacy with our spouses. We believe that the longer we are married, the closer we will get to each other. But our extraordinary vision is too often replaced by ordinary reality.
The goal we once had for intimacy quickly gets replaced with the goal of pain avoidance. We don’t want to experience pain. We need a break, and we hope that avoiding conflict will bring some relief. When pain avoidance becomes the goal, we start walking on eggshells and doing all we can to avoid an argument; to dodge conflict; to elude a disagreement. Avoiding pain will never lead to oneness. Dodging conflict will never allow us to be fully known.
This is true in much more than marriage. It is more comfortable to avoid conflict. It is much easier to believe a relationship is healthy simply because there is an absence of conflict. Even when that relationship lacks intimacy.
Maybe that’s why you haven’t called your dad in a few months. Maybe that’s why you haven’t gone home for Christmas in a few years. Maybe that’s why you don’t talk to your sister anymore than on special occasions. Maybe that is why you bounce from relationship to relationship or from job to job…because if you are honest you are much better at avoiding conflict than resolving it.
Avoidance in a relationship will never lead to reconciliation. You are never going to grow closer to anyone, including God by pursuing the absence of conflict over the presence of intimacy.
Who doesn’t love FREE, right? If you would like to be entered to win a FREE copy of the Davis’ book, or would like a FREE downloadable link of the first two chapters, leave a comment and you’ll be entered to win!
For more info about Refine Us, the Davis’ marriage ministry, check out their Facebook page and join the conversation!
This sounds like an amazing book!!!
Excited for this to be released!
Would love to read more!!
Being married almost 22 yrs I’m always looking at making our marriage stronger
Funny how no matter how many years one has in, we can still learn how to love our honey.
sounds like a fantastic book, would love to read it!
Ohh would love to read this.
Looks like a great book!
This hits too close to home! Would love to read the rest.
Great Post! Sounds like a great book!
SPOT ON!! This couldn’t have come @ a better time. Right now, TODAY!! Though this has applied to my life more times than not, my excitement is share this with someone, who just yesterday was on the verge of a breakdown. God is great – thank you so much for sharing this!!
would love to check out this book! 🙂
No matter how long were married, there will always be arguments and disagreements, book sounds great
i like free.
I love that the author says that the avoidance of pain”tango”
We do with mates transcends into our approach to
Other relationships. I’m sure receiving this book will
Guide me in mending relationships across the board.
I would love to read this book.
would love to win this book. Just like you Bianca, I devour books. Can’t get enough of them!
Been with my husband for 10 years married 5 years and boy!! has it been a challenge I continue to pray for God to give me strength and be a wise wife. Would love to read this book to learn more and guide me, would be a blessing. 🙂
This sounds like a great book!
Sounds like a great book. I am getting married in 5months and know that my guy and me would benefti from this book. Thanks for sharing.
Looking forward to reading Beyond Ordinary, Bianca. Thanks for the recommendation.
Argh… I’ve noticed this in my relationship and I’m not even married. Sometimes I don’t even realize why I’m arguing other than I’m arguing to be right. *pouting* I hate it when I realize I need to grow and mature.
Just finished the book and it was amazing.
Thank you so much Jeremy! Really appreciate that!
Bianca, thank you so much for hosting me today and for giving away a copy of our book. All of your readers can download the Introduction and first 2 chapters of the book for free…just go here: http://refine.us/QOzlAt
good word.
This book seems amazing!
WOW!!! Would LOVE to win a free copy. I was referred to this book from my favorite christian artist Natalie Grant. I have been looking at purchasing a copy but just havent had the funds to do that yet. Plus I just found your blog which looks pretty cool so I will have to bookmark it 🙂
Sounds like a great book that everyone should read.
I would love to read this! I think no matter what, I will be making sure I have a copy in my hands!
: )
That was a good word! Would love a copy!
I’m single and I told myself that I was not going to read another relationship book (I gave away all of my Christian dating books just a couple of week ago!). But I’m big on reading people’s stories so I would love if I won it!!
Wow that tidbit of the book just blessed me!
Sounds like a book worth reading! 🙂
I’d love to read more!! Thanks for the chance.
Wow, just that little bit was so honest and insightful! Would LOVE to read the entire book!
We all run from conflict! Would love to read!
This book sounds great – I would love to win a copy!
I want to read more!
Sounds great! Thanks for sharing! Looking forward to reading it and maybe even convincing my sweet husband to read it too!
Hubby just bought this book and has been reading it (even though he’s not much of a reader). 🙂
After 30 years of marriage, he is still focused on avoiding conflict rather than growing in intimacy. I am praying that he will really “hear” and apply the premises of this book . . . for our marriage and for the extended family that he has avoided for many many years.
this book looks awesome! I’m a newlywed and want to read everything I can to not be one of the statistics. 🙂 (So far, so good, though!)
Literally God has been teaching me this over the last few years. My parents avoided conflict & so did all us kids growing up. It resulted in my parents recent divorce & a long road of my personal healing journey with Jesus. Through it all I’m so grateful for the grace, mercy, & sovereignty of God. He is and has been my anchor through it all. Hope in God!!
would love to read it!
Sounds like a great book to read and study together before marriage. I’ll be ordering this book soon.