I have no shame in admitting that I’m one for some reality television. Whether it’s HoneyBooBoo, Lisa Vanderpump, or Snooki, I’ve been open about my affinity to giving an occasional mazel to bad acting, horrible plot lines, and exploitation of people grasping for stardom. I usually watch reality television in the dark… alone on my bed… with low volume because I don’t want my husband to know my elitist standards for art are watered down with every mazel Andy gives from the club house. [If you have no idea what I’m talking about, bless your heart. And I mean that in the Southern way.;)]
But something changed recently. What felt far away in the Beverly Hills kitchens of housewives I couldn’t relate with or the Jersey shores I’ll never party on, felt close and real and sad. TLC’s newest sensation The Sisterhood is a reality show that follows pastors’ wives.
I refused to tune in. People, I have STANDARDS! But one night while folding laundry [I do domestic stuff when I watch this trash so I feel less guilty], Sisterhood came on and it was like roadkill: busted up and disgusting, but I couldn’t help but look.
We shouldn’t be surprised. The commodification of women on reality television from childhood into adulthood is perpetuating. Toddlers compete for Tiaras, girls dance for the adulation of their Dance Moms, Teen Moms sell their story to the highest bidder, and women parade around for their Bachelor.
But pastors’ wives? The imaginary line I hold for my nebulous television standards was totally crossed!
The pastors’ wives are from African-American churches in Atlanta and are referred to as First Ladies. And I’m not talking Michelle Obama First Lady, but more along the lines of First Lady of the congregation with preferred parking, reserved church pew seating, and a wardrobe that would make my mother bite her tongue and shrivel up into the prude she secretly is.
As a pastor’s kid and now a pastor’s wife, I’m highly sensitive to the expectation held that a woman is an extension [and a lesser version] of her husband’s occupation. While the First Ladies fight and spend their day shopping and peppering their conversations with misapplied scripture, it’s as if they are defined by their husband’s occupation. There is no expectation for a lawyer’s wife, a garbage man’s wife, or a grocer’s wife to show up at their place of employment and:
- Be expected to do what their spouse is doing because they said I do
- Be treated like superstar by marital association to a person who signed up to be a servant to all
The reason the show was so jarring was because deep down inside, the fear I felt prior to marrying a pastor was showcased on reality television: will I live up to the expectations that people in church automatically assume for me—or worse—the expectations I assume for myself?
I love supporting my husband and I’m incredibly proud to his wife. I love being able to show up at church and support him. But I firmly believe it is detrimental when anyone [albeit spouse, child, coworker, or friend] loses their identity in the presence of another person. Pastor or not.
Above my role as a wife is Child of God. My gifts and talents as abolitionist, creator, and motivator will not disqualify me from being faithful to the call upon my life in fighting for justice and freedom, as well as being the wife of a pastor. I will not let the preconceived notions of reality television or the reality of church, dictate the my value or calling.
This pastor’s wife is going to kiss her husband and leave for work. If Andy was in the clubhouse he was would raise his glass and give me a Mazel! So mazeltov my dear friends.
uh, yep! Needed to hear this one!
Girl I feel you! I’m a Pastor’s wife & refuse to let anyone define who I am because I married into the mob.. err.. I mean ministry. lol. I am defined by Christ. Not by some silly standards. I married a Worship & Creative Arts Pastor. People assume I can sing or play an instrument or do some interpretative dance (I can salsa all day long, but playing with streamers is not my thang). Mazel honey boo boo child to being defined my our creator and still being a darn good pastor’s wife! :o)
What a word!
I am no pastor’s wife, but I and many of the women I know have suffered from the same sort of identity crisis you speak of.
In fact, this very thing has caused my marrage much grief.
I was taught to “follow my husband’s vision + be meek + quiet but helpful.(not very easy to do at the same time)” My husband and I both ascribed to the bias idea of what a christain marriage should look like.
I even named my music publishing company “Sara’s Daughter MP” to show my alligance to the scriptures in 1 Peter—SERIOUSLY!! I was constantly in conflict with who I was created to be and who I fabricated myslef to be as a “christian wife.”
To make this short as possible, I’ll just say I have found my deliverance and my husband and I are both better because of it.
Although I lost myself in the first 6 years of my almost 11 year marriage, the day I found myself + plus answered the call on my life— I became the wife God intended me to be. I even plan to tackle this area of marriage in my business.
As for that Sisterhood show—NO COMMENT.
WOW! Thank you for this! I recently got married, and in turn became a Pastor’s wife. Having been in full-time ministry for many years, I thought I knew what to expect, but i was wrong. I really wrestled with my identity, the expectations for my husband, the congregation and even worse, myself, my ‘role’ at church….AND how all this fits in with being my husband’s helpmate! I feel like I am finally finding my feet (about 6 months in) but I still have much to learn! Thank you for this refreshing insight.
I am a Pastor’s wife and you can go two different ways. People can put you on a pedestal as a pastor’s wife or put some much expectation and expect that you are perfect. I do not like the idea that they are following around pastor’s wives because it’s either show two things – hypocrisy or feel like you are on a pedestal. While I love my husband and I do have expectations placed on me I try to help out my church the best way I know how and how I feel that my gifts lay in. Thankful for your post. Defiintely enlightening.