The book of James and the studies we’re going through are so serious and booty-kicking that I’m opting to share some totally awesome massive clothing fails this week [insert sarcasm here].
Like really, I can’t stand when people are perpetually serious, perpetually spiritual, or perpetually saying perpetually. It’s annoying. So I have to shake my shoulders out be me… the Godly girl who makes fashion faux pas’ and lives to write about it!
1. I attended Matt’s best friends wedding this weekend and insisted on buying a new dress. I took a picture and emailed it to him to get his thought on whether or not he thought it was modest, hot, and appropriate. MASSIVE FAIL.
Though the collar was high and the length appropriate, there was slits on each side of the dress that I didn’t realize would be noticeable… until I sat down [really, who sits down when trying on dresses?!] and noticed the Spanx I recently bought were exposed. SWEET! I love when that happens. FAIL.
2. Don’t ask my why, but Matt’s boss intimidates me. She’s sharper than a double-edged sword, smarter than Ben Stein, and has a blonde Victoria Beckham haircut. She’s fabulously flawless and I’m sure multitasks in her sleep. Imagine my horror as I walk up stairs into the reception hall and the wind decides to blow. Right then. Right at that moment.
My glorious dress and the sparkly, overdone beading betrayed my secret love affair with tummy-controlling undergarments as the wind whispers in my ear, Hahaha! There was a whole new meaning to the American idiom, spitting in the wind. FAIL.
3. Finally, a big, fat thank you to Kati Smith who swore Spanx were the butter to her biscuit, the sugar in her coffee, and the solve-all to body dysmorphia. During the reception I felt the tummy controlling, non-rolling fabric begin to slowly roll south. I tried desperately to stop breathing to prevent further rolling. Then I casually moved side to side to try to unwind the madness in my midsection, but it appeared as if I was gyrating on my chair. So I stopped. And sat there. With non-rolling elastic fabric wound around my waist. And ate cake. [Don’t judge. You would too!]. FAIL.
Et toi? Do you have any massive FAILS this week? Oh do share! It’ll be fun 🙂 I promise. Perpetually.
Bianca I love you!! I would never of thought you owned a pair of Spanx but thank you for sharing!!
Failure for me was trying to lose 5lbs but instead I gained it!! I really do not like being in my 40's
If this means anything, you looked really good last night. No lie.
Thanks for the hug 🙂
Haha, awesome post. Gotta love spanx. 😉
That's what everyone says, but I don't think I'll wear that again. I felt like I was in a corset?!
Hilarious! Too funny! Thanks for sharing!
Mama D.
I loved that you laughed 🙂 Hey, when are you coming to Cali?
This morning I woke up thinking I need to buy myself a pair of these lovelies. I am still carrying around more than I want left over baby weight…I call it postpartum weight…the irony…he is going to be 2 next month…I don't think I can pull that one for very much longer…ha!
Love your honesty…just love it…I was laughing out loud and I'd probably be rolling on the floor if I was not at work.
Have a beautiful day!
Breast feed the baby! I heard it makes you loose so much weight.
I'm thinking about taking it up 😉 Just kidding. Well, half kidding.
I did…when he was an infant…and it worked…but then we stopped and I ate… 😉 I love chocolate and chips with lemon…and on and on…
Ha! I joke that I need to lose weight so I should get pregnant so I can breastfeed. Getting pregnant has always been the ultimate weight loss trick for me. The problem it turns out is you can NEVER wean or it doesn't last. 😉
Angelica,
Own your Mommy Weight! It's a badge of honor. We go through A LOT to bring those beautiful creatures in to this world and even more keeping them around. HAHA I'm still working on mine … and my "baby" is 11 years old and 5-foot tall. In the end, if The Hubs is still grabbin' at ya, then you're good to go. {wink wink}
Annie you are too funny!
The first (and only) time I wore my "higher power" spanks I was in the middle of a conversation when without thinking, I reached down to discreetly adjust them and they made a snapping sound-a LOUD and very noticeable snapping sound! Worse part was the person I was talking to pretended not to hear anything. My best friend who also heard and I had a good laugh about it later.
As for my fashion fail of the week- I ordered a pair of shoes online but they were slightly big on me. I put in Dr. School's heel grips-the clear kind and I was walking out of a store when I looked down and noticed they had shifted and they were hanging out of the front of my shoe! I quickly reached down and pushed into my purse, not without a curious stare or two!
Oh girl, I just love ya! Cracking up over here in horror, because man, oh man, have I been there!!!
ok, that seriously made me laugh out loud… especially the last bit… who really is brave enough to admit to wearing spanx? you are… thanks for your refreshing honesty… and for your beautiful writing… it's truly inspiring… to make readers — feel ok with imperfections… I surely will be back for
the good read… and for your inspiring words =)
Emily, I will NOT be wearing Spanx anytime soon. I loooooathe them!
🙂
Well Bianca.. I failed at everyting this week! Couldn’t communicate anything with my husband, sister or God! I open my bible, read one chapter and fall apart. I failed at being patient with my 2 yr old. I can’t cook or clean due to being on light duties and I can’t dress appropitely because there are no maternity stores in porterville… Failure spells NORMA… 🙁
porterville! i moved back from bakersfield and took a drive to porterville to explore and girl i feel your pain. what saved me was cd's my aunty would bring me of pancho and the on the level love flowing through my laptop – hang in there!
Hang in there Norma! God took you and Gabriel there for a reason. Your season it yet to come…
Haha! This totally makes me laugh…but only because I have had the exact same experience!! When possible, I prefer the shaper tanks with straps to prevent the horrifying roll down (that of course the package swears WON'T happen! If only all dresses allowed such a thing. Alas, ditching the spanx altogether is sounding better and better…
I hate to admit that I too wear the one with straps and an underwire bra built in. So what it comes down to is wearing a very tight bathing suit underneath my clothes.
Vicky (my dear, sweet, kind-hearted little sister) so lovingly refers to it as my "sausage suit."
Vote no on Prop Spanx. It's bad for your health.
this was the first post of yours i have read and already i'm hooked!
thanks for the laugh but as i was reading i completely felt your horror! that why i where the full body faja fantastica! yes my hubby has to help me put it on and yes i can't sit for very long and yes i don't drink much so that i don't have to pee but it really takes you in about 2 dress sizes!!! how vain i am 🙁
Hahaha chikies, see my comment above!
Well I'm glad you liked the post. It was at my expense, but I can laugh about it too 🙂
Because the last month was one huge fail with everything that literally went wrong, I had to take my cat back to the vet because he got sick after finishing his antibiotics. Major fail and another $120 to vet.
Dying!!! oh my goodness, it's nonstop action with you my friend!! I love it!!
Well I don’t wear spanks and I let it all hang out and I am o.k. with myself.
Is there a prescription for being ok with oneself, because I think I need a daily dose…
I second that, Cindy!
First time writer, Long time Reader.. lol. Oh my goodnes. I purchased a paid and felt like a used toothpaste tube. I felt like the Spanx where squeezing the life out of me. I couldn't even breath. Then they rolled down and OH My. I totally feel your pain. 🙂 Thanks for always sharing.
Well helllloooooo to the commentor's club! Welcome and it's nice to have you 🙂
I am laughing so hard because I know EXACTLY what you are talking about!
I'm glad you feel me, Mar! Never again will I wear those stupid things.
Bahaha!! Sorry, I can't help but laugh a little bit. 😉 Umm… well I have this yellow dress that I wore on Sunday with a slip under it, yet when I got in the light I could clearly see my underwear.. and so could everybody else. That was a humiliating moment! lol At least now I know to check and make sure it's all good. 🙂 Have a blessed day!! Last night's study was really good, by the way. 🙂 Love you Bianca!
Tara, we BOTH are a mess. But I'm glad we can laugh about it.
OK. I have never said this out loud.
Ready?
Once upon a time, I was a size TWENTY. (Yep. That's what it says.)
The funny part? Somehow, on a trip to New York, I convinced myself that Spanx-type-things would magically make me look like a size eight. Especially, I reasoned, if I bought them a teensy bit smaller than I should.
No. They did not make me look like a size eight. In fact, I could not breathe to save my life! So, during intermission at a Broadway show, I excused myself and Took. Them. Off. And threw them in my thankfully-too-large-really-for-an-evening-out-bag and decided that I was just going to have to embrace the size that I was for the night. 😉 (The workouts commenced the very day I got home.)
No way I can't believe this. I would've never guessed.
Which? That I was a size 20? Or that I'd take those silly-spanx-things off at intermission? (HA – because I would so totally do that again! HA)
And yeah. I've had a long up-and-down battle. I've been everything from a 4 to a 20. (What's fun is looking back at high school pics when I thought I was soooooo fat — and I couldn't be that tiny again without starving myself! Man. The things we do to ourselves, huh? 😉 )
This is so vulnerable and touching. It made me feer trusted, and, therefore, loved.
Thank you Bianca.
My failures? Oh..
There is one area of my life where I am failing to perform. Perpetually. For a year or even longer..I should actively, wholeheartedly do what I ought to do, as unto the Lord, but in reality I don't want to die to myself. I tried to repent many times, but kept failing and now it is on a sluggish "what is the point" level. Weak attempts to just do it are followed by anxiety attacks, (because the problem just grows), and then by more apathy and doing the opposite of what I should. Now I am just waiting to be struck down and for it all to fall apart.
And I was placed in this situation by G-d . Perhaps so I would die to myself, would submit, would "bloom where I was planted", maybe even produce fruit for His kingdom. But I don't.
If I was comparing myself with Israel – I am still sitting in front of Jordan river, not going over, but not going back in-to desert, because I don't want to wander for 40 years either..
Yes.Fail.
But you're still getting back up. Proverbs tells us that a righteous man fails and gets back up! You're doing good… hang in there.
i was CRACKING up at this one….seriously.cracking.up.
yesterday i took the girls bike riding and it was overcast and cold…so i wore nylon tights. like the cute ones with a chevron pattern. but yeah. they might as well have been panty-hose! i wore them under my summer skirt. i looked ridiculous, but madabella got a kick out of their mama! well, eventually i got so hot, i had to take my fake pantyhose OFF. Like NOW! So I stripped right there on the blvd. girls were so embarassed and i got a few honking horns. but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do!!!!
and can i just say, i was totally thinking about you when i recorded my last little video online…i left a blooper in the first 5 sec. and i thought, i wonder if Bianca ever has this problem for her vlog posts! haha. check it out for a quick sec. when you can!!! then you can laugh at me, k? K! (http://madabella.typepad.com/blog/2010/07/bible-study-session-4-rest-to-rejoicing.html)
oops..here this one! Ma bad!!! http://madabella.typepad.com/blog/2010/07/bible-s…
I have failed every morning this week to get up and work out – epic fail!
Accountability: Did you work out today?
Love it !!! I had a gotten a haircut not 2 long ago n worked it spraying,fixing,didn't move 2 much cuz I was styling going to Dead Sea Scrolls,well I got a flat tire,was pressed 4 time,didn't want 2 go,but ended up going with a sister in the lord in her car, well it was one of those VERY HOT DAYS, and the sister didnt want to use her A/C cuz it uses to much gas she said 🙁 ok I just started to pray n it was HOT,cuz we R on freeway with windows all open ohhhh N my hair,was all STRETCH OUT in every which way,cuz I sprayed so much it was whipping in my eye's like tearing em cuz my hair was so hard ughh in my mouth in my nose,well I just was CRACKING up cuz I thought ok Lord,humble myself and what is my new do here my sister stepped up to plate to drive and Blessed me, how could I complain. She finally truned on A/C in car cuz we couldn't hear each other talk. wheww!!!
Big hair is BACK! Perfect 🙂
haha…u had me chuckling…mine arent spanx, but some generic kind…and if anyone could see me putting them on they would think, "what in the world is going on there?"….but i feel ya..thanks soo much for allowing us to know u share the same struggles and issues…that is wut keeps me coming back!!!
my failures would equal a long list..but one i keep kicking myself about is committing to working out…instead i sit and complain and feel horrible about the way i look and feel….
Hilarious! Lol I can totally relate 😛 You looked fabulous on Sat. by the way! What a small world! My friend Henry is best friends with the groom. Henry was the guitar player & I went to sing a song with him & his band…I was on the other end of the room & only stayed for a lil while =P Wasn’t the bridal entrance amazing? I loved the singing and dancing! Lol Made me want to marry a Kenyan just for that hahaha Oh and that cake was good! ;D Do yo thang girl!
YOU WERE THERE??? Why didn't you come by to say hi? I wish you would've!!!
Um, I LOVED Henry's voice. Girrrrrrl, WHY aren't you doing worship on TUESDAY nights??? F'real… we need to talk.
I really wanted to but then I didn’t want u to think I was a weird stocker fan! Hahaha Although I am a huge fan hehe just not weird or stocker lol And about worship anytime! =D Just holla! =P
This is the funniest thing I'v read. Can't stop laughing!!!! Thanks.
I'm glad you found the humor in it 😉
only you. YOU would wear spanx!!!! 🙂
Girl, you are hilarious! Too funny!!!
It happens all the time to me. That tummy – roll thing. But with normal TIGHTS 😀
Hi Bianca,
last weekend I fumble around a pickle on my forehead. The result was, that I spend the last five days in hospital with a big infection and getting an infusion every day. BIG FAIL
What do we learn about that mistake? Never fumble around a pickle that is above your nose… 🙂
Love,
Markus 🙂
I don't get it…
Hi Cindy,
I had a spot on my forehead and get an infection because I manipulate it and my face swell like a balloon. sorry, I'm german and sometimes my translation is not the best…hope you understand now….!?
Pimple? 😉
LOL…thanks for sharing!
Because, your not the only one girl,
It's in the package "Power Panties"
The power to truly cause embarassing moments!!!
And why is it when I slip mine on I don't seem to get that 18 inch waist like the picture!!hmmmmm
omg, i also have a perpetual aversion to the over-spiritual and too-serious. AAAAnd perpetual wardrobe misfortunes. ugh, i have totally been the girl whose spanx rolled down her belly (hello, what is even the point of trying to hold myself in if it's all going to come out when even the elastic tummy-tucker that is supposed to be my bff for the evening gives up on me!?) thank you for sharing this – i think, though, the part i needed was to remember how much i detest religiosity and super-spiritualism, to be honest with you. xo
I love this! It's so good for us to be able to admit our funny and quirky mistakes or "failures" because in the end, who really cares? Jesus doesn't care so it all doesn't really matter 🙂
Today I was trying a new yoga pose and fell on my face! I just laughed it off, at least I tried it!
I love your work- it's absolutely brilliant!
oh my gosh, I can NOT stop laughing! I just can't!! ahhhh, thank you!
oh my gosh girl – it's posts like this that make me love you! I'm so sorry for your spanx-cident 🙂
My fail… do you want the whole list or just the top ten this week??? My poor hubby got sick yesterday w/food poisoning (we are on a belated honeymoon) and I spent the day at the pool and then went out for dinner. #hugeWifeFail 🙂 – I made sure he had gatorade first 🙂
"Gyrating on my chair" — you had me laughing out loud in a room all by myself. Hilarious!!
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