In the previous post on dating and relationships, Yoline asked:
Did you have any non-negotiable standards before you were married to your spouse? Like rules and boundaries that you and your boyfriend/girlfriend at the time agreed on and stood by until married? If so, can you share, and is there something called having TOO high of standards or unrealistic rules, boundaries, etc?
Fancy you should ask that, Yoline! Yes, I did have non-negotiables in dating. Everywhere I go I preach the same two points and I will share them here as well.
- Does this man love Jesus? Even if he carries a ten-pound deacon bible and speaks Christianese, that is NOT a sign of his spiritual maturity! Does he have a passionate, real, authentic relationship with the creator of the universe and creator of my soul? If so, that’s 100 points.
- Does this man have a job? Oh child, you make shake your head at me and think I’m a gold digger, but put your Kayne lyrics to bed! I ain’t a gold digger, I’m a smart woman who doesn’t need a mink coat and Louis Vuitton, but I do need a bed and roof over my head. The last thing we need is more women dating boys who refuse to grow up and live at home with their mom and her 85 cats.
These are generalities and there are loops holes even in these requirements, but seriously, we should at least have these standards. I had personal preferences like teeth and height, but to each their own! Maybe you don’t mind a snaggle-toothed brother… maybe you don’t mind a bow-legged sister… maybe you don’t mind if he doesn’t speak English… to each their own!
As far as standards that are too high, yes I believe that women and men have preconceived notions of what their mate will possess. I swore I was never, ever marry someone who was divorced. Hand-to-heaven, I wouldn’t even consider a guy who had children. Lo and behold, God laughed at my plans because I fell in love with a man was a divorcee and father. Go figure.
But even on larger scales, I think women expect their men have the looks of a young, ruddy King David, the wisdom of Solomon, the knowledge of Paul and the swag of Timothy [or the looks of Beckham, the wisdom of Stephan Colbert, the knowledge of Bill Nye the Science Guy, and the swag of Kanye]. The truth is we are broken and try desperately to hide our imperfections from potential suitors. The more we expose them, the sooner we’ll discover who really will accept us for us.
Matt’s number one complaint in our marriage is that I’m always trying to change him, correct him, and yes, even dress him [the man loves his t-shirts?!]. One day he told me that he wished I loved him for the man I married, not the man I wanted him to become. The weight of that statement crushed me… because it was true.
Whether it’s spiritual expectations, financial expectations, emotional expectations, we need to be realistic in our pursuit of a partner. Should we settle for the jobless man-boy living in his mother’s basement? No. Should we be open to a God-loving man who is in desperate pursuit of bettering himself? Absolutely.
I’m open to disagreements. I know my view is simply that: my view. For added tidbits or corrections, feel free to state your opinion.
PS Kayfabe, I LOVE your single-man perspective. Thank you for joining the conversation as the lone male representative along with Issac Scott! 😉
Your transparency is refreshing! I think Christian women tend to err on one extreme side or the other. Your post is so simply put, but so unspoken in the church. I love your blog for this very reason 🙂 I would love to hear you speak at my home church!
Awesome! Thanks, Heather 😉 PS I’d love to share at your church!
I agree with you completely B! We all have an image of the “man of our dreams”. What he looks like, what he does for a living, how he smells… once we put fantasy out of our minds, it allowed God to put the reality in to our lives. He may be totally opposite from what we’re “attracted” to, he may do a job we’ve never heard of, and he may smell like your Grandma’s house… But! he’s who we are meant to be with.
“How am I suppose to know if I should be with a man who I never ‘pictured’ myself with?” God knows. Trust him.
AMEN, Brit! Dang, when did you grow up and get all smart? 😉
i agree…when the heck did my sister get so smart?!! haha. i am ashamed to admit i might need to listen a little closer to her ‘advice’. eeek.
Great piece B. Completely agree. I don’t know anyone with their perfect, ideal companion that they wanted and was looking. But it was the person that God sent to them.
Love the blog. Keep up the good work B.
God bless.
What?! Andre??? From high school? Whoa, I’m honored friend! That’s for popping on the blog 😉
Yes it is Dre from LMHS. I read your blog more than you know. They are good pieces. I Just don’t really comment. 😉
I just discovered your site because of a friend of mine… funny is that I also follow your sissy she is as cool as you!! 😉
I think you’re so right. We need man that love Jesus more than they can love us… Job is also important… because I ain’t looking to be a sugar momma 😉
Welcome, Amanda 🙂
I’m a 38 year old man with a good job and taking care of my kids on my own. Obvisouly I have been divorced but I am at the point in my life where I am okay with being single. Yes men and women in America tend to have unrealsitic expectations. I live on my own with my kids but I know many brothers in the Lord who still live with parents. On the surface you may say hey waht’s up with that but in reality they are working hard hard and help in taking care of their parents. These men are nproviong themselves to be great sons as the Bibile commands us to honor our parents. I think that the American dream has poisened the minds of a lot of Christians. In other countries families stick together and pool their resources but here people can’t wait to leave their parents and chase the career dreams no matter what the cost. When people they say we should better ourselves, what does that really mean? Does that mean pursuing a promotion with better pay? To me bettering yourself coincides with dying to yourself and outting others first. Remmeber that Jesus warned us not to fall in love with this world and not to love money.
My advice to a woman looking for a Husband is to not see him as a potential meal ticket but to see what you can give to him in the relationship and above all else accept him for who he is not for what you wish he would be. Also don’t get caught up in what kind of career a man has or what his future earning potential may be but rather see if he loves the Lord with all his heart.
The saying goes, “He may not be perfect, but he’s perfect for me.” totally rings true now. 🙂 God gave me a man that has strengths that assist my weaknesses and vice versa. God is GOOD and GOOD ALL THE TIME!
Thank you for writing this. I struggle with thinking that my standards are too high. But AMEN on needing a man that LOVES Jesus…not just a “Christian”. Also, I’m glad you shared that God laughed at some of your standards and gave you the person who is perfect for you. A few years ago I really had to start thinking though that same standard of not wanting to marry someone who was divorced or had kids knowing that at this age, that would be a very rare thing to find. I believe that God will equip me in whatever situation He thinks is best for me.
1. Must love God and seek daily relationship with him, YES! -Thank God i have that and he is in the process of refinement just like i am.
2. JOB, of course! Even if they don’t make a lot of money, they must be good stewards of what they have. I remember when i was dating my hubby i drove a fancy car, and he had a run down truck. I made twice as much as he made and i was always broke. He taught me how to budget, and be a better steward of my money. Now i run our finances and it’s scary.
If you are single, see how he spends his money. Is he a giver? If he is in debt, target that debt and watch him pay it off cause it will go into the marriage. Just a few tidbits.
3. See how he treats his parents. My hubby was abandoned by his mom and raised by his dad. He still sends her money. I remember getting upset about that one day and told him he should stop because she is a horrible person who hurt him. He told me to never say that again because that is his mom and i should respect her no matter what and show her the love of Jesus.
My expectations for my husband have changed and aren’t as “strict” as they were when I started. The major two are still the same – he has a J-O-B and can pay his bills and he loves the Lord. However, now, I’m not as concerned about how long he’s been a Christian or what he looks like because what I am attracted to has changed as well (although there are some traits I am still attracted to). Interestingly enough, a friend of mine and I had a conversation about this 2 weeks ago. Sometimes it seems that as Christian women, we are expecting our husband to just waltz through the doors of our church or drop from Heaven, when in reality, if you are in a small church like mine where there are 3 or 4 single women and roughly the same or less in single men but they are more like a brother than potential husband, you have to step out of your box and meet new people too. I don’t think we should be “missionary daters” (those who date the unsaved to get them saved) but we shouldn’t expect to find our husband sitting in the back pew of the church either. I think my expectations of where I will meet my husband are the ones that I have become more lenient on in the last few months.
I totally agree!! Single people can often find ourselves in merky water in regards to dating and relationships. As as single lady of 29 I am trying to be very careful on who and what I seek. I want a Godly relationship and untill a man shows up willing to have that with me I am going to focus on God. I have a question about guy/girl friendships. Can guys and girls be true best friends w/o it crossing the line and hurting each other? Also how to handle that relationship from a biblical standpoint as well.
May I pipe in as another voice of a single man? I’ve been a long time reader, but never commented (AKA, one of those lame people), but I wanted to show Kayfabe some solidarity and join in with him.
I think I intentionally never made any kind of list. I think I have run into enough people who think that matchmaking is a spiritual gift, so if I described what I was looking for, they would take that as an invitation to do the hunting for me and I would end up with endless blind dates. I do have some expectations, though, that would be preferred.
1. I would say that a committed relationship with Christ is the number one non-negotiable. That’s one thing that has to be true, genuine and visible in her life.
2. The other thing that would be nice would be a commitment in growing our relationship, meaning that there is trust there at the beginning. And really, I am referring to two main issues. I would love to not be blamed for the mistakes of past boyfriends. I understand that there may be some hurt there, and I am sensitive to that and willing to help the healing process. But I don’t think it is fair to mistrust me at the very beginning for what someone else did. The other thing is that there needs to be some balance between her career goals and the relationship. I would be fine with my wife working, but I don’t want to play second fiddle to as job. Both of those issues would make me feel as if the relationship is really expendable and I would hesitate to jump into a relationship with someone who already has a foot out the door just in case things don’t work out.
that second point was a lot longer than I planned, Unresolved issues maybe…
Oh goodness I got SOO excited when i read this blog. I was just thinking that it was a waste of time to have asked that question because it’s not like i would get a response. (i said that with my whole heart). God had other plans!!! (jumping for joy.. inwardly lol) This whole blog and the responses to it are just great! very helpful! Ugh!!! Thanxxx!!! 🙂