We all—whether knowingly or unknowingly—have been in between. Yes, in between the has and hasn’t yet; the past and the future; Egypt and the Promise Land. Today’s post is guest post from my friend LB. She’s candidly sharing a moment from in-between and what a struggle it is to wear BigGirlPanties.
For those who are in-between and in a desert of transition, I spoke about this season of life in the Desertology series. You know I love giving away stuff for free, so if you want to catch the session, I’ve posted it here.
In The Middle
Last Sunday was supposed to be my wedding day, but instead it was just a normal, hot August day. No wedding. I spent the day doing normal Sunday things like going to church, going to the grocery store and going into Target for something very specific and coming out with a mirror, a tank top, 2 rolls of paper towels, a bike pump, blue nail polish and gum. No one at church, Trader Joe’s or Target knew that I was supposed to be a bride that day. All day I carried it around, like one of those zits you feel but no one can see, it hurts and it’s all you can think about but there is nothing you can do to make it go away.
It’s still surreal; the whole thing. I never thought it would happen to me, the whole broken engagement thing, but it did. I always thought it happened to people who should have seen it coming. Or people who were sloppy in relationships and reckless with hearts. Or people who didn’t listen to their gut. But come to find out, sometimes it’s not about any of those things and there may never be a good logical reason for “the why”. All I know is that my life is in a very different place today, than I thought it would be in late August. I’m somewhere in between my old normal and my new normal, and nothing feels normal.
I’m in the middle of things. It’s the space between what went really, really wrong and whatever is next. For the record, I don’t like being in the middle. People always talk about it like it’s this great place where you learn so much about life and yourself and you grow, but I think the people who say that are not in the middle of anything. They’re on the other side of whatever “it” was or they just haven’t been in the space between. I don’t know if I am growing or learning much of anything – I’m mostly just bearing it.
There’s really no preparing for the middle, it just happens so suddenly. Someone dies, or a precious relationship ends, a diagnosis happens, a dream falls apart – old normal can change in an instant and even the biggest pair of Big Girl Panties don’t seem to be big enough. I wish I could just say I’ve been “puttin’ em on and pullin’ em up” and that I have been marching through this middle with sass and vigor and resolve, but the truth is, more days than not I have been going commando.
Some days my heart hurts so badly that my only relief is to get in my car and turn on the radio as loud as I can so that I can’t hear my sadness for a few songs. I have belted out everything from Rhianna’s “We Found Love”, to Green Day’s “Time of your Life” to more recently the pop hit of the summer Carly Rae Jepson’s “Call Me Maybe” (I’ve almost got the entire thing memorized). Other days, I just need to talk about it (again) to the people who will listen (God bless ‘em, every one). There are lots of days when I would give anything to hear his voice again, to get back to normal, to talk about that thing we talked about, to be the me I was with him. Those days are worst. Then there are those days when I laugh easily and my head feels clear and my chest light – I love those days.
There is no telling when I am going to get to the other side. I don’t even know what it looks like or where it is or how much longer I have to go to get there. I know I am in a different place than I was because I can talk about the middle. It’s an identified place and no longer a free fall. I don’t want be here, its not what I had planned and yet, as the days go by and the wedding day has now come and gone and the phone calls have stopped and the expectation of an explanation wanes, I find myself starting to get acquainted with a different me. Maybe that’s all I can do right now, just get acquainted with these surroundings, with this me, and with these circumstances. I don’t know, I’ve never been here before.
So, I’ll keep you posted. I’ve got my Big Girl Panties dangling around my ankles and maybe, just maybe I’ll start working them up, because something tells me I am going to need them if I am going to make it through the middle.
Wow – that was beautiful. Just stunning. Wow
Thanks for passing on this post. The BGP gals were so excited to have LB be their guest blogger this week! Check out our other entries!
XO
The BGP Gals
I would love to keep reading her blogs….is there any way to link it…. I am currently in the middle….. and she is inspiring….
Hi Donna
LB was a guest blogger actually for thebgpblog.tumblr.com (where this entry was initially posted)! Feel free to check us out!
XO
RP
WOW! I need to hear this, I am in the middle too and sometimes you just feel so alone, LB thank you for sharing how you feel because I know I am not alone 🙂
Wonderful picture of that uncomfortable place we all find ourselves in. Loved it.
I read this and know exactly what you’re talking about. Exact same situation. Exact same middle and exact same heartache.
Thank you for sharing. Like you said, no one expects it to happen to them. Every morning is waking up to put on those big girl panties and face the world. It’s been 7 years for me and I would like to say I did learn a lot in the middle. Most of all, my faith grew fierce and NOTHING could make it falter.
No one expects you to feel better over night or will be surprised if those big girl panties hang around your ankles for a while.
God bless you and know there are fellow ladies out here who pray for you, feel for you and know your heart is breaking. Hugs!
Alejandra
I totally resonate with everything you are saying. I agree with Jentezen Franklin: What’s behind the closed door is done and what awaits you behind the next door is wonderful…but it’s HELL in the hallway until you get there.
Thanks in the middle as well
It’s crazy to me how someone I don’t know and may never meet, can speak so clearly to my station in life. This resonated with me on so many levels, I’m kind of speechless. Thank you, really.
Oh man! Thanks so much for posting! I’m so glad to know I am not in this alone, and this period of in between time you described so perfectly. After ten months, I am still not over my exfiance, but it has gotten better. Thanks for this, looking forward to reading more of your stuff.
Loved this post. It just explains my feelings so well. It’s kinda reassuring that others feel they too are stuck in this “middle” we cant explain.
I’m not sure if this is where she blogs all the time, but there is a blog with her post at:
http://thebgpblog.tumblr.com/
Love this!! I have told people many times the past few months “My life feels like a lay over.” and at times I have felt guilty for feeling this way. It’s nice to know others feel the awkward middle feelings, too.
I am closer to the other side but still in the middle. I was supposed to have gotten married in January of this year and it ended 2 weeks before the wedding – 2 days before Christmas. A friend of mine asked me recently “Aren’t you grateful for the experience though, as painful as it was?” I had to think loooong and hard about her question. And I did, I took it seriously. When I replied, I knew full well that it as truly and honestly how I felt. I told her, “I am indeed grateful for the experience. If you had told me before meeting him that I was going to go through this and it was going to suck I probably wouldn’t have done it. But looking back now from the other side (or “the middle”) I can see the ways in which God has grown me and really shown me who I am. I am a very different person than the me I was before him. I am stronger. I know myself more. I trust myself more. In ways I wouldn’t have had I not been through that experience.” It’s still painful and hurts like hell some days but it’s getting easier. It will for you too! Email me if you need to talk and I’ll send you my number! Shalom!
LB, thank you for your honesty, your transparency and while it doesn’t look like it right now–your bravery. It takes guts to just talk and share about it, you are doing great. There’s no telling exactly how long “the middle” will last (mine has been the last 3 years) but know that you are not in this alone, God has amazing plan for you and it will take the time it needs to take for you to come out of it more like Him. You’re in my prayers.
Hi to you lovely ladies,
This is LB 🙂 Thank you for sharing your hearts and your stories and your vulnerable empathy here. I consider it a sweet gift that in sharing this piece of my heart and life, I’ve been able to hear from you and truly be encouraged. Thinking of you and praying right now that you would sense God’s presence and comfort in your “middles” wherever you are…we got this girls.
xo
Lauren
LB,
THANK YOU for allowing yourself to be vulnerable so that those of us who feel alone realize that we’re not. “People always talk about it like it’s this great place where you learn so much about life and yourself and you grow, but I think the people who say that are not in the middle of anything. They’re on the other side of whatever “it” was or they just haven’t been in the space between. I don’t know if I am growing or learning much of anything – I’m mostly just bearing it.” AMEN. EXACTLY.
Bless you for sharing your raw and real journey. It’s during my own transition stage where I realized my previous coping skills weren’t cutting it and I had to develop new ones, because the terrain of life became rougher and harder to navigate. I hope days of joy are on their way soon. 🙂
What I needed to read. Definitely in the middle of EVERYTHING right now. Much love.
I went through the same thing. Called off a wedding three months before the big day. I just couldn’t go through with it. That ‘in the middle’ place you’re in will not last forever. You’ll be a stronger woman because of this. It will take time to heal and as long as you have a strong support group you are going to be ok.
I am now as happy as I can be met someone that makes me very happy and I am close to finishing school. Only God knows why things happen. We just have to trust in him that everything will workout. <3
This is beautiful, Love.
These past few days have been hard, harder thAn ever and sometimes I wonder why some days are tougher to get through than others.
I am in the middle. Its a tough place to be but I have never been more at ease and accepting of myself like never before. I truly have grown. I wouldn’t trade it all for anything.
But then some days you just don’t want to be so ‘strong’.
It is well.
I forgot to say thank you for the write-up. Am glad I saw this especially today of all days. Much grace and strength, can’t imagine what you went through. I wish I could give you a big hug 🙂
It was good to read this. I’m currently in one of the worst “middles” I’ve ever experienced in my life. Stay-at-home mom of one toddler, pregnant with baby #2, husband just lost his job. Trying not to worry about what happens if we both don’t find new jobs before the health insurance expires next month. Sometimes the “middle” feels like too much…
I am a little late at following all the sites that Lysa TerKeurst suggested but I love your post.
God bless you and may he heal you sooner rather than later. Take care in that middle place. Your blog was so wonderful and heartfelt that I felt bad laughing at the commando comment.
I am in the middle of a new place too. My Dad dies and now nothing has a place because it all belongs to him only he is not here anymore…
Thankfully I have been in the middle before for other issues and it will all feel better on the other side. It just feels bad now.
God luck my friend. He will see you through and you will touch so many lives and help others heal in the process. Bittersweet news I know.
Lina