I have a friend. She is tall, thin, and incredibly alluring. Quiet and unassuming, she’s able to whisper things to me in her soft, calming voice. No one can speak to me like she can, move me like she can, push me like she can. Through the years I’ve tried separating myself from her, but she convinces me I need her.
Her name is Control.
The promises of perfection, both dangerous and desirable, kept me near her in the pursuit of life. But I need to let her go. Again. Like a every bad relationship, we are breaking up because we are broken. No, I’m broken. I’ve held on to her hand more than I’ve reached out for my Creator’s hand, and though intangible, her hand feels more real.
In pursuing what I’m created to do, I want need to let go of Control’s hand.
I’m scared and unsure and alone, but Control can’t rule my life. She can’t make empty promises if I don’t empower her by believing them. So I’m letting go. I’m letting her go. And I’m so afraid I won’t be able to live without her. Her companionship has staved off fear, abandonment, and loneliness. But to pursue trust, hope, and faith, she can’t be near me—her voice can’t be heard.
I don’t have one issue or road block or stronghold more than I have one tangled relationship with my friend Control. Through the pages of Jennie’s journal, I discovered the one thing I fear giving to God: Control. If hunger ensued, loneliness crept in, fear overtook me, she was there to put her arm around me and assure me the tighter I held on to life, the more things would go my way.
That is my anything. That is what I’m letting go… trying to let go.
We all have our something. A relationship. A dream. A child. Something we don’t want to give up in order to live the life God has called us to. What is your anything?
I asked Jennie if I could share her words with you, my imaginary Internet friends, and she agreed. Today we will be giving away her book to a few random commenters who share their anything. You won’t be alone. There are many who are documenting their anything every day, right here. Join in. Share your anything.
What is your anything? Write it out here and you will be entered to win Jennie’s book and have it sent straight to your home! 🙂 I’m not doing this because I’m getting anything. I’m doing this because of what I received from reading the book. I hope you enjoy it!
My anything is waiting to lose weight before I really start living. Waiting to lose weight to feel pretty enough and desirable before someone can love me.
Lord, give me the strength to leave this at your alter and do ANYTHING for you! In Jesus name.
Oh Lord have mercy! I feel you, Gina. I feel you.
Do I have to pick just one??!
I think my anything is the fear of being known. Truly known. And along with that, the fear of being alone. If people knew the true me, all about my lies & brokenness then they would drop everything and run far, far away.
In the past this fear has caused me to put on a mask around everyone, even my family. I’ve lied more times than I’d care to admit, kept major secrets, pretended to be something I’m not… all for the sake of others approval. By doing these things no one knows the real me and there’s a false-safety that comes with it.
But it isn’t safe. I’ve found that safety & healing come with showing my true self & daring people to accept me as I am. AND THEY HAVE! It’s insane, but beautiful.
Perfectionism. That, if I’m not perfect, I’m not valued, nor worthy, nor desirable. I have to say good-bye to Perfectionism & her ugly step-sister, Insecurity.
Yes!
My anything is my future. With graduating in May with my Masters, I’m worried about making incorrect decisions that would drastically change my future. I tell myself over and over to trust God becuase He hasn’t let me down yet but it’s hard to hand the reigns to Him.
Been there before! Thanks Dana. 🙂
My anything (everything) is also CONTROL. control over as much circumstances as possible. It’s one piece of the coconut shell I’m slowly breaking off. But it’s tough and thick. One book I just started reading When People are Big and God is Small. Is basically my life. Many people/things control me because of my fear of man. But when I transfer that fear to fear of God, the clouds clear up and I have confidence. But this book also sounds like the other half of my life. I love reading alongside the bible and noticing all the comparisons and insight it provides despite this being the 21st Century
My anything is FEAR! Fear of losing weight, fear of giving to much to others that don’t return the favor. Just fear of surrender to an Amazing God that holds his hand out to me waiting for the release of that fear. I would love to win this book but if I don’t I will be getting it anyway. Bianca your blog is so refreshing and alive with Christ!
Thank you & Greetings from New Orleans
Kristinia
Same as yours– control!
I’m at a point in my career journey where I do NOT have any control whatsoever and it drives me to pray harder which is a good thing and I am challenged to have more faith and not just in quoting Scripture/Bible promises but having an ACTIVE faith in God, one that can move mountains. 🙂
And of course, I am reminded of this one essential truth– GOD is in control and that’s all that matters. 🙂
My anything is my emotions. I am a person who loves and loves deeply. Everyone I meet, I feel like I immediately need to love them, take care of them, and hold them. No matter the situation. I want to be involved in EVERY person’s life to help, because I’m obviously made to help everyone in this world. Duh.
Truthfully, I know that its not my place or my duty to hold the world around me together and to love everyone to the point of shoving my dreams and happiness down a drain. I need to stop trying to let my emotions and need to FIX THE WORLD control what God is doing in my life. I need to sit back, be silent, and focus on what He is calling me to do, not on fixing every issue I could possibly imagine.
Thanks, internet, for becoming my proverbial journal for a moment.
My son has been diagnosed with autism a few years ago and this journey we are on, has been one filled with fear, anger, regret, sadness and all emotions in between. I am also raising him on my own and my fear is that: will he be OK when I am no longer here? If he doesn’t have me to navigate the world for him, protect him, fight for him? I’m always fearful every night I lay my head on my pillow that I will not wake tomorrow and who then will be his everything. If I can give that up, that fear, and surrender to God, I know my life will be less stressful.
My anything is perfectionism. She haunts me in the corners of my mind. She stands right along side control. And together they have put an impossible standard and strain on my life. But I’m ready to kick them both to the curb, for good this time.
You’re tricky, Bianca… when I first started reading this post I thought – I need to get my hands on that book! Then I saw you were offering a giveaway and I thought – SCORE! THEN I saw that you wanted us to write out our “anything” for all of Mr. Internet to see and I thought… nooo! 🙂
But I will, because community is life-giving, right?
I think my “anything” is guilt. To go a bit deeper, I think guilt is actually my way of controlling things. If something doesn’t go the way I want, and I blame myself, I don’t have to worry about badness or sadness in the world, or things out of my control. I can always just tell myself it was my fault. It’s a vicious cycle, and the worst part is that still, some part of me feels that guilt is holy. Because at least I’m not being arrogant, right? I know it’s something I need to let the Lord take from me.
My anything is letting go of the fear to start a non-profit organization for abused children. I know God has called me to do it. To open shelters throughout the nation that will minister to children who have been rescued from horrible abuse. Yet I’m terrified. The enemy is telling me I’m not strong enough. That I will emotionally fall apart from all the horrific cases I’ll encounter. But I need to start. And God has been tugging and tugging. Yet the fear is there. What if I do fall apart? I really want to read this book. I think Jennie is absolutely incredible!
Mine is control and pride. I was abused as a child and I am constantly in defense mode. I live in a constant state of feeling like I have to protect myself. God has to constantly remind me that he is my protector and that I am free to love.
I think my anything is fear/worry which inevitably leads to your toxic friend, control. I’ve worn them so long, they feel a part of my person, like this thing that will never go away. But wearing them strips me of who I’m meant to be. Learning to let go….
That I’m not good enough. For anything and everything! Regardless of the presentations I give, A’s I receive, honor societies and clubs I am a part of, or friends I have…I always feel like I’m trying to substitute this happy experiences as a compensation for my own brokeness. So I’m letting go of fear, anxiety, the false ideology that I am not worthy enough to be loved, to lead, and to inspire others, and the desire to try to please everyone in my life. I’m choosing to live my life according to Christ. Regardless of where that takes me-I choose His will.
ps…this is the 3rd time I’ve seen this book come up on my fb, instagram AND on blogs. I think it may be confirmation from sweet ol’ baby Jesus to get this book. Just sayin’!
Insecurities – caring so much what other people think of me and being so critical of myself.
my friends. i fear giving up the friends i have and the life i have created. i fear being alone and not loved. that’s probably the biggest one …
I think mine is acceptance. I’m not 20something anymore and trying to fit into any ministry or group seems so scary. I feel like I won’t be accepted as part of the group, the young women who have bonded and are friends. Like a bad high school experience all over again… therefore I make excuses for not jumping in where God may want me to jump.
My anything is also Control. Control of the future. I want to know what is coming next. I struggle with being confident in God’s perfect plan. I know its the best- but it is hard nonetheless.
My anything is approval. She whispers to me what will people think, what will people say? Actually I don’t know who these people are? The Lord has been that friend that sticks closer than a brother. In addition He has blessed me with an amazing husband, 3 beautiful baby’s and wonderful friends and family. I constantly second guess myself, I hold back in almost everything and I can be so indecisive. It’s very frustrating and sometimes I want to scream! I have been on a journey to let go of approval, and one day I hope to be rid of her.
My anything is comfort. Comfort tells me if I don’t try, I have nothing to lose. Comfort keeps me from being courageous, taking leaps of faith, and growing. Comfort keeps me from seeking God because I will be uncomfortable with my need for him. Comfort tells me I am safe, when really I am enslaved.
My anything is everything. My biggest hurdle is food. I lost 133 pounds when I was in my teens, and for so long I’ve lived “trapped” in a rigid routine to avoid gaining back even an ounce. I’m getting better thanks to the love and support of my family and friends… and a special new “someone” in my life.
That “someone” is not a strong Believer, however. So I now struggle with MAKING him need to know Christ. I’m learning quickly that it’s a terrible mindset. I know God has the power to change hearts and minds, and I’m praying that is the outcome in all of this… but gosh, it’s scary. I want a partner with a spiritual connection on this journey, too. Everything else that we have is so “right on.” I forget that I have to have patience, faith, and trust in God’s timing. I can’t see the big picture and it drives me NUTS. I’m hoping this won’t end in heartache because it’s something that he never clings to. But I know it’s important that I’m patient with his decisions in the way that God (as well as this guy) are so patient with me and my crazy antics.
Whew. This came with some pretty impeccable timing!
Mine are insecurity and fear and worry. Fear of judgement, fear of disapproval.
Funny enough, I’m living a life I used to fear tremendously, for practical purposes.
I left a secure job nearly 3 years ago due to a boss who was harassing me. The timing was perfect and I can see God’s hand in it all, because it was around that time my son was diagnosed with autism.
I haven’t been able to find or afford day care for him, so we are living with relatives until he starts kindergarten and I’ll have more time to either get a part time job or more fully pursue the freelance gigs I’ve been doing in the meanwhile.
When I say I had to give up everything, I mean, I had to give up everything. My furniture that I lovingly picked out, most of my wardrobe, my material goods, my apartment, my comfort zone, my privacy. This was my greatest fear, and yet the world has not ended.
The one thing holding me back, really, is a wish that I had a flesh and blood partner who was by my side to help guide me. The lack of this in my life HAS strengthened my commitment to my heavenly husband, God, so in the big picture, it isn’t the most horrible thing.
Perfectionism is my slave driver. Nothing I do is good enough … for anyone, including God. Perfectionism drives me to work harder than I should, and still feel unaccomplished. It feeds insecurity with every decision I make. I HATE it. I hate feeling like no matter what, it’s not good enough. I’m cutting the strings and flying in the wings of Jesus ’cause He says I am enough, just as I am.
My anything is my husband. He stops me from going forward in my walk with God. I want to do so much for the Lord but I find myself having to choose between my husband and God constantly!
my anything is my marriage. i have put so much of myself into my marriage that i started to lose my identity- the identity that God planned so painstakingly before i even formed in my mother’s womb. in trying to ‘fix’ the situation, i grabbed onto controls hand instead of Jesus’ just like you said. wonderful blog post today bianca!
Mine is pleasing others. I need to free myself from doing or not doing what I want and should do in order to please my family, my friends, my boyfriend. I need to give more value into pleasing God, not other people, even myself.
As difficult as it is to put this out there in public, my anything is my self esteem. Its something I’ve battled with my whole life. Insecurity in my weight and bringing myself down many times. I’m blessed with a loving husband who encourages an prays for and with me. It’s time to really “let go and let God take control.”
I need to let go of fear. It paralyzes me and makes me doubt God. Fear of my nephew going through with his suicide threats. Fear that my abnormal cells will come back to my one ovary and I won’t be able to have kids.
Fear of not moving in the spiritual gifts God has given me so I won’t be tagged a fanatical chick. Fear of going back to college and get my degree cause I won’t have enough money. Fear that God may move me to another country. I release my fear in Jesus Name!
My anything? My love for the gifts God has blessed me with. Instead of glorifying God with them I’ve become proud and self-centered. I don’t use them for His glory. Which can explain why I feel so frustrated when I can’t accomplish anything with these gifts. I fall into the trap of loving what I can do more than what God can do through me. Its resulted in a strained relationship between me and God. I’m begging Him to bless me with my gifts when instead, He hasn’t. And in a way, I’m glad. Because I feel I would forget Him. I would wander. I need to give up my love for these gifts and instead love the Giver. Thanks for the post!
Fear….that’s definitely it for me. I’m afraid of moving forward…afraid of change…afraid of being alone…afraid of opening up to people…for fear of being rejected….afraid of disappointing the people I love. And the list goes on…ha. God has been showing me a lot lately about placing my fears in His hands and focusing on how big He is! He is bigger and stronger than all my fears! 🙂
Fear/Failure. I won’t articulate my dreams, goals, and desires aloud or to anyone. As soon as I think I might pursue something, I don’t because I know that I won’t succeed. And besides, it might not be of God. What if it’s just me and not Him? I don’t want to tell anyone about something and then not do it. But we all know I won’t do it, because we know I’ll fail. We meaning ME. So I live a safe little mediocre life instead. It’s not a pretty place to be.
Fear of what others think of me
the biggest would be control ~ like so many others said. second would be taking off the mask and letting others see the insecurities and failings in my past and in my present. several years ago two great friends moved away and they knew the real me and accepted me anyway. they have yet to be replaced and that is hard.
I think my anything is my dating life (or lack thereof). So many of my friends and close family are going off and getting married, while I perpetually feel that I am going to be alone forever. I know that my identity can only be found in God–not a future husband–but this aspect of my life is the hardest for me to let go of and surrender to God.
My “anything” is the need to “one-up” the people who have hurt me. For the last several years, I was attached to a relationship that involved the person’s family and friends who didn’t like me because I was “different” and didn’t fit their idea of a fun and interesting person to be around. Eventually, the relationship fell apart and for the last year, I’ve had some serious soul searching to do, of course, with many mistakes along the way. I “had” to “prove” to the people who didn’t like me that I was, in fact, “better” than them, “had” to find a job that was more “prestigious,” and esp. since moving out to LA that my life was more “glamorous” than the one I had left behind. Deep down, I know God has different paths for all of us, and while “different,” all are equal on one basis alone – God’s grace. I’m still struggling, learning to hold my standards of living to His standards and not to anyone else’s.
this blessed me greatly! My anything is my weight and the guy i am in love with. Two things i have been holding on to. Taking control of my flesh and i am releasing the guy. If he is for me, God will bring us together. Jesus take the wheel!
You keep it honest Bianca, oh how God loves that. It is that honesty that brings forth deliverance and healing… your progression. It has been so awesome since listening to you at the “Identity marked by Love” conference and following up on your blog how you just continue to grow! You’ve encouraged me through some extremely rough nights and I thank God for you.
You are an inspiring woman Bianca. Do not limit yourself to the current position you are in. God is going to use you in a mighty way with your talents. So be courageous and walk with your head up high. You are a child of the true and living God.
Stumbled across this randomly today…I know its older but I love seeing all the responses.
Letting go is like Pringles. Once you pop you just can’t stop!
I started letting go of things…fears, pride, past…and I can testify that God has incredible things for us once we let go. It sounds stupid, but honestly, after experiencing the freedoms and the ways He can work through me when I have open hands, I want to just drop everything at His feet, even though its always a big trial as God pries open my fingers.
Someone once said to me “be careful what you ask from God, cause He’ll do it and it’ll hurt.”
Bring it on, the end result is more than worth it.