Have you ever had a DTR? You know, those awkward conversations with someone you may or may not like as you step into the brave waters of dating to Define The Relationship! Yes, those. I’ve had to initiate and endure several of those and it was as fun as getting a root canal.
I’m not a relationship expert.
I’m not a therapist or a counselor.
I’m not a pastor.
But I AM is a girl with a passion to redeem things that are broken, things that have been marred, or things that have been abused. Of which, dating is one of those.
[Also, I have this secret belief that one day I will be the Patty Stanger of Christendom and set up people like she does on Millionaire Matchmaker. Contrary to what my husband thinks, I’M an AMAZING matchmaker!] I am a pastor’s kid who grew up in the Church and still LOVE the Church, but let’s get one thing straight: Trying to get Christians to figure out dating is like trying to get Kim Kardashian to explain quantum physics or asking Miley Cyrus to keep her clothes on in music videos. For their benefit you really, really want it to work, but it seems impossible.
In fairness to all the single people in the world, where do we go for instructions? There isn’t a manual on dating, there isn’t a book of the bible that tells you how to appropriately fill out your eHarmony dating profile. We have stumbled through books like “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” and signed contracts in youth group to “Wait for the One,” but have we been able to admit that we DON’T KONW WHAT WE ARE DOING?
Can we have a safe place to come and dialogue about the pain of loneliness, the weight of purity, the longing for companionship or community? I think we can and I’m willing to open Pandora’s box to at least give some handles that we can hold onto in the storm of singleness and dating. The goals in this three-part series:
- Help us do community and relationships well
- Set the bar for dating and relationships instead of having culture determine what dating should look like
- Stop Christians from rushing into relationships and sprinting down aisles just because we’re afraid of being alone
- Excommunicate creepers who stalk our churches saying things like, “Is your name Jerico? Because I’m pretty sure that if I walked around you 7 times, you would fall for me” [Hand to heaven, I didn’t make that up]
As we unpack—even at the shallowest level—dating, let’s have a posture of grace for one another, brotherly love that lends itself to forgiveness, and a willingness to put others before ourselves. There are three things I want to address when it comes to DEFINING THE RELATIONSHIP:
- Attraction
- Expectation
- Boundaries
The first thing I want to address is the basic fundamental change that happens when friendships turn into something more.
Attraction
Ask yourself a basic question: Are you attracted to the person? Songs of Solomon 1:2-3 says, Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine. Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the young women love you!
Verse 2 is revolutionary because we see that this scripture is in the Holy Bible. If we truly believe that God’s word is infallible, inspired, and included for our benefit, this scripture is awesome. This shows that it’s okay to be attracted to someone! And just because you are attracted to someone doesn’t mean you are not spiritual! And I will use another exclamation mark just because I’m excited!
If you were raised in Church, you might have shared similar pressures of trying to spiritualize people you were attracted to. Like, if a youth leader or mentor would ask what I was looking for in a boyfriend, my response would include–but not limited to–a religious tick and Christianese verbiage:
I would love a guy who feeds the poor, clothes the homeless, deworms orphans in Somalia, leads Sunday school, highly responsible, regular tither, and [if they were still listening] someone who has their teeth.
If I responded with physical things I was looking for or attracted to, it felt like it was hedonistic, carnal, and lustful. But SOS removes the notion that attraction is wrong. But let’s clarify: There’s a difference between attraction and lust.
This is attraction: Wow, that guy is good looking. Or, That girl is pretty and her style is great. This is lust: Ohhhh snap! Did you see that fiiiiiine looking brother at in the second row? Break me off a piece of that! I’m about to go up to him and practice, 1 Peter 5:14. That’s right, “Let’s greet each other with a holy kiss!”
You need to be attracted to the person you marry. You’re allowed to have butterflies in your stomach and see fireworks when you’re around them. Guys, please stop settling for the girl who carries the ten-pound and would make your mother happy if you married her. Girlfriends, please don’t just marry a guy because he has a stable job and your biological clock is ticking. Be attracted to that person. I firmly believe that God wants to bestow PASSION in your marriage, so ensure that you are attracted the person you date. [Furthermore, this should the last person you see naked, so you better find them sexy! Just keepin’ it real.]
When Adam saw Eve for the first time in Genesis 2, he doesn’t say, “Wow, a helper to tend the garden.” Or, “Oh, she must have a great personality.” No! He said, “Bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh, I shall call her woman.” It was rhythmic poetry, words to describe Eve and the very being of his body, the very breath that he breathes. That’s sexy!
So if you’re asking someone on a date or being asked out on a date, let’s ask the basic question when defining the relationship and taking the next step: Are you attracted to that person or do you feel obligated to that person? Be honest. Keep it real. Don’t waste his money and your time trying to muster up feeling of attraction if they don’t exist. If you’re on the fence about your feelings, it wouldn’t hurt to take a step and go to coffee. Remember, attraction is more than physical [we’ll talk about that in the next post].
If you’re attracted to that person or if you are going to take the next step in the relationship, acknowledge the expectations. That’s part two, so check back in tomorrow for the next installment of DEFINING THE RELATIONSHIP.
So let’s talk. Have you had a DTR lately and you’re willing to share your story? Do you have tidbits of truth to share? Do you love Katy Perry as much as I do and pray for her to find Jesus again? Oh, oops—I was sidetracked. 😉
XO, B
I read this post… And now I feel like I want to bake cupcakes and take you to Starbucks. Thank you for being so real! I’m 23 figuring out life and everything that comes with it…. I’ll be here tomorrow for sure.
PS. The coffee date is true 🙂
AWESOME! But don’t bake me cupcakes because I would be tempted to eat them 😉 Chat soon!
Bianca, love it, love it, love it. I love reading + talking about dating in the church. It’s weiiiiird. And I’m excited to hear what you have to say.
JAMIE!!!!!! I’m SO excited to hear from you 😉 I hope you’re well, friend!
You are hilarious and preaching some truth sister. Love it. Thank you!!! I honestly needed to hear that!!!! Looking forward to the rest. I have a few stories not sure if they are helpful! 🙂
I’ve had a few of those and id gladly share my experiences!
I can’t begin to tell you how timely this is for my life! I’m not a teenager anymore (25 in 8 days, woah!) but I still “cling” to those old teenager teachings and reactions when it comes to boys, our interactions and so on… I’m at the point of almost DTR’ing with a guy, and I’m super excited to see what you have to say next about it because personally I’m feeling like at some point, this girls gotta grow up a little in the dating world! 😉 thanks for the first lesson and encouragement! Looking forward to more!
Kim asked if I read this post yet and as soon as I saw Patti Stanger I DIED laughing at my desk. I think I even did a bark laugh hahahaha
B… it’s like you put all the words in my heart in this blog.
Love it & looking forward to the other posts!
XOXO
Thanks for sharing Bianca! Looking forward to part2!
What does “carries the ten pound” refer to?
I have no idea what it refers to. Did I write this? Let me go check…
Hi Bianca.. I was at CharlotteONE Tuesday night and your message was such a blessing! I have been obsessed ( totally in a healthy way!) with your blog and your story ever since Tuesday. Your message and charisma is so refreshing. Keep walking out the will of the Lord because your words are giving me life 🙂
Love and Blessings to you!
PS.. your twin sisters blog is awesome too!!
Thanks Courtney! I was SO blessed to be there on Tuesday 🙂
OK — loved this post but really, really, REALLY hate the fact that being 30-something and having DTRs with grown Christian men my age or even older is very frustrating. So I’m looking forward to your next post. The worst feeling ever is when you co-minister with a very godly hottie who treats you like a special sister because you’re the only chick he hugs and takes out on lunch dates — but never makes a move — for years. So I bounced out of the country and followed my Jesus into the nations. Eat my dirt wimpy Christian dudes…LOL OK, pretend-bitterness aside, I wait for the series to unfold so I can stop being remedial about courtship, dating, or whatever it is that Christians are supposed to be doing to end up with a ring on it. My love life has officially committed suicide because I’m ministering in a culture where marriage is arranged and men & women never socialize. We even eat sitting apart. Help this foreign sista have some hope! Puhlease!
I enjoyed this post and the part two of it very much. I am nineteen and I have not dated yet and have only had one guy interested in me….and he is attractive to me and his personality is great, but he does not have the morals I do, i.e. he drinks and smokes and goes to clubs. I have been struggling with this because I told him I did not want to date already, but I have seen him around lately and it makes me want to change my mind, being around him. So thank you for these posts, they have encouraged me not to just date because someone is interested or because I am lonely. 🙂
Bianca,
I LOVE this blog entry so much! There was a guy recently in my life who was a really good guy (Christian, kind, funny – ya know.
Hey B,
I had the DTR with a guy going on three years ago after having lunch with him for three years pretty steadily. We were at dinner when I finally brought it up. The funny thing is that had I let him lead the conversation, he wanted to have the DTR with me that same night and I just beat him to it. Funny how God lines things up. We got married a month ago!
Hi there, I am a guy and i totally agree with everything you say.
I am almost 24 ( next month is my birthday ) but i am not attracted anymore to those shallow kind of relationships. And yes, i say anymore, because as a boy it was that sexual attraction combined with same mindset etc that drove me towards girls. But as you become a man you realize it’s more important to find that girl that you would love walking up next to her. It’s my new wish basically. And i am trying to become a gentleman with everything i need to treat my future love the way she deserve. And i think every guy should try the same.
Good luck with your blog !
btw: i think you are really funny
Best regards, Manu