Relationships are like brussels spouts. They are good for you, but sometimes they stink. [F’real. This is some real talk, right here.]
I’ve been married for 24 years [that’s dog years but whatever] and I’ve been dumb enough to make a gazillion mistakes, but smart enough to try to learn from them. I’ve had the same best friends since I was fourteen years old and we’ve gotten into some massive arguments. And anyone who has a sibling [or in my case, four siblings] knows that being in relationship with people you’re connected through by blood can get messy.
Since we weren’t designed to be hermits or live in isolation, we must figure out what it means to be in relationship with those in our community. Not just your next door neighbor, but your class mate, coworker, spouse, and sibling. If we’re honest with ourselves, it’s hard. It’s hard to continuously invest in relationships that may or may not bring pain, joy, tension, or acceptance. Or all of it.
But we move forward. We pursue community. We have to. Yes, there is an emotional risk when we enter into community. But with every risk, there is a reward.
Every work of art caused some level of commitment to complete. Every book written required some level of pain. Every plate of brussels sprouts worth eating required some time to make delicious. Great relationships are usually born from great sacrifice, not the result of selfishness.
Last week at church, I was honored to be able to teach during our Beautiful Mess series on relationships, sex, and marriage. Though the barometer for sacrificial relationships I used was marriage, I truly believe the topic bridges the gap between expectations and behaviors in all forms of relationship and community.
I debated posting the message here because honestly, I don’t know how to manage expectations in relationships AT ALL. And me talking about marriage is like Barbara Walters talking about being black… it just doesn’t work, man. But feel free to tune in as a stumble and stammer through the message “Mind the Gap” in this beautiful mess we call life. You can download or listen to it here.
Shout out to the crew from Mariners Church who allows me to be part of the teaching team [Sandy, you’re the best], Kalee who helped me process this message [#FreeTherapy], and Anneliese and Lauren [friends and blog readers who came out to support]. Te amo mucho, amigas! 🙂
As always, the table is set for conversation. If you have questions, comments, stones to throw, feel free to speak freely. XO
Woman – get a grip. You need to mind the gap between your expectations of yourself and the reality. It was a wonderful message Bianca Oltoff 😉
But what happened to the one from December 22nd?
Awwww thanks! Did you hear how many times I stuttered?! Ugh. Obviously I was scurrrrred.
The December one didn’t post because I had mic problems 🙁 They had to scrap the recording. I’ll be teaching again in March, so fly across the pond and join in!
I only remember once slip-up – and let’s be honest, with the speed you talk, that’s quite a feat! And an impressive lack of feet for you, right?!
In the words of a group of our generations greatest philosophers, The Pussycat Dolls, be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it, you just might get it. (be honest, you do wish your girlfriend was funny’like me, don’tcha) However, it’s your turn to come here. So you need to get onto that.
You’re my most favorite beautiful mess. Ever.
You’re my favorite mess two… too. 🙂
Loved it Bianca…. Your message gave me hope & healing!
Thanks <3
You’re so gracious 🙂 Thank you, Priscilla!
Her name is Ashley, B…….not Lauren! hahahaha! Either way – I LOVE YOU and am praying for you, girlfriend!
You’re my favorite PASTOR..I mean TEACHER ever… Ha! 😉
XO
Anneliese
Dude, Ashley doesn’t read my blog. My friend/neighbor from high school showed up! Don’t trip potato chip! 😉 But tell Ashley I said what’s up!
mhmmm nice save… 😉
Hey girl
Just re-found your blog.
I followed you for a while, then kind of forgot about it.
I love your style 🙂
Keep shining your light, it is such a blessing to know that there are people who are still unashamedly speaking the Truth of God’s Word.
xo
I just LOVE YOU GIRL!!! Love your breakdowns! Meaty! Juicy! Spiritual Food! Thank You!
P.S. I want to see you in March!! Plaaahheezzz keep me posted with an accurate date so weI can come out to Mariners Church! Omg, I’ll wear leopard print pants and drink Kale that morning if need be! Wink!
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone,
Bianca-how do you managed to stay married for 24 years and you don’t know how to manage expectations?
Stay blessed
Relationships should not be treated like work. We are social beings. I think the difficulties you are talking about in terms of relationship include, having unrealistic expectations from others. I think if you are honest about your needs/wants in a relationship, relationships are easy, smooth and rewarding. The main problem people face is faking, being someone else (e.g., like a person in a fictitious relationship on TV). Stay simple and be a true human being! Besides, life is too short to pretend… Love to all.
-Tobby.