Yesterday was quite possibly the worst failure in my career as a life-long stepparent. Oh Internet, I try. I really do, but sometimes my dreams of being an amazing stepparent and standup comedian go up in a ball of flames.
The example:
Parker, my eight year-old stepson, and I have this thing that we do when it’s just us in the house. He’ll ask, Where’s Papa? And I’ll respond with some crazy, zany response for the mundane activity Matt’s doing.
Where’s Papa?
- Oh, you know, he’s swimming with polar bears in Antarctica!
- Oh, you know, he’s hiding from us because he couldn’t handle living with three wild banshees!
- Oh, you know, he’s flying to Boston. I hope his arms don’t get tired!
Where’s Papa?
Before I bow out and close the curtain, this incident comes on the heels of thinking about the biblical role and responsibilities of stepparents. I was putting together some points for a blog post about step-parenting when all this glorious material occurred. This further proves I could never be an authority on parenting. Or comedy. But at least I could add to the conversation on what not to do! 🙂
If you are a step-child or a step-parent, how was your experience? How was the relationship? What were some of the challenges? I always come back to you guys, my totally cool online friends, for insight outside the scope of mine. I’d totally appreciate your help!
I am not a step-parent, but I’ve adopted 3 of my niece’s children. One day, about 5 years ago, on Mother’s day I was really struggling. My mom died when I was 9. My husband (now ex) would NEVER do anything for me on Mother’s day because I wasn’t his mother. He also never helped me with the kids. He decided we’d do a beach trip on this mother’s day and that was a lot of work for me. I had just gone from one 9 year old kid to 4 kids, 3 with emotional trauma. I was so frustrated and overwhelmed trying to get ready. I yelled, “I don’t even want to be a mother!!!!!” The youngest one sometimes still remembers that moment. I think she was only 2 at the time. I feel horrible every time she mentions it or every time I come across a drawing of me that she did. It is a picture of a sad mama because, in her words, “you don’t wanna be ours mama”. OUCH.
I was 17 when my mom got married, so I spent my entire life without a dad. At that point it was too late for my stepdad to really build a father-like relationship with me, so he really just became my buddy. Our thing is watching tv together. Even though I’ve been away at school for two years, we still watch shows when I come home and I always get him t shirts or items from the NBC store that reference our shows. I think it’s important to carve out a special friendship with a step parent or child, no matter what the age, because that’s largely what you are. This relationship is a choice.
Oh the joys and horrors of step-parenting!! It is a never ending struggle for me, as I never wanted to be a mother….don’t get me wrong, I love my step-son (8), but I never wanted the daily duties of being a parent. Prior to being a step-parent, I much preferred the relationship I have with my niece and nephews…..I spend time with them when I want, I spoil them, we have fun, they go home!! The issue we have with my step-son is that he is great with us, but with his mother and all activities while he’s with his mother (school, sports, etc) he has nothing but behavioural problems!! His mother wants to be his friend rather than a disciplining parent, so he has no incentive to behave for her because she doesn’t punish him and he knows it. At our house it’s a different story and a different kid! Problem is, his mother wants us to punish him for his behaviour with her and we are beyond torn because, while he’s not an angel with us, he is well behaved!! His father is tired of punishing for his mother and I completely understand, but as his step-mother I don’t feel that I can let his behaviour go without any discussion with him at the very least…..so I get to be the “bad guy”! But I always bring it down to the fact that everything is his choice…..does he want his teachers upset with him, no?, then improve your behaviour, make better choices, etc. We are trying very hard to stress the fact that in the end, everything is his choice, right or wrong, good or bad. Problem is we can’t have a conversation with his mother because then she gets defensive and upset and takes the child away. There just doesn’t seem to be a good path in my step-parenting “game”. *sigh*
I have a step dad and 3 step siblings…. My step dad is the greatest thing that ever happened to my mom, sister, and i. his kids on the other hand was were the struggle was… They hated my mom and me. Did so many mean things to me… They even went as far as calling c.p.s and making a false report. With my step siblings it is so hard to continue to show them the love of Christ… But I try… After all, after everything i have done God still loves me.
I use to try to be funny all the time. Always had to be the clown, the one that made everyone laugh. It was a mask. This was just one of the many masks I wore, trust me. Especially when I was uncomfortable in my own skin or wanted to gain acceptance. I discovered my masks as I went to study to become a Christian counselor and got counseled!!! I am in no way saying this is your story though.
Step parenting for me is a difficult job because there is division in the family system in my case. We have a girl who is with her mother and with her dad (my husband of three years), and we get to see her on weekends when the mother isn’t “mad at us” for one reason or another. She is NOT a follower of Christ. Many times when she wantS more money the child suffers and is forbidden to see her dad. We have rules in our home, but also love. She has less rules in her home, but the daughter is in more of a shame/guilt based, controlling environment. The daughter hungers for attention so when we see her, it takes a few days for her to “settle down” and get re-adjusted and by that time we have to send her back again.it is a really bad situation.
On my end, my husband and my kids, ages 19,17, and 10, have had clashing moments. With prayer and discipline n guidance out of love and not control,
It had only been about 6 months and I see tremendous changes in my kids’relationship with their step-dad. It DOES TAKE TIME and prayer n patience for sure. There were times that this relationships attempted to sabotage our marriage because it tried to cause division between him and,I, so a sure tool of the enemy.
As I read this, I’m sitting in the hospital emergency room, next to a Man. This man is my Father, my Daddy. He and I are not joined by blood, but by love. A love that runs deep. He is my Step Dad. He became my Dad when I was 5. We have had our ups and downs, fights and cries. I got spanked, I deserved it. He walked me down the aisle. He was there when I had my babies. He was there when I graduated a nursing program. He was there when I had all of my surgeries. He is the worlds best cook. He can fix anything. He loves Palm Springs. He love to go and see. He loves to grow veggies and takes great pride when he dispenses the harvested iteem. I stand tall when I’m beside this man. He is my Father.
We had our differences, he said things to me that hurt me. But, he appologized. One day, he kicked me out of his home. Then many month later he let me back. When he seen where I was living, he cried and said he was sorry that I was forced to live where I was living. My daughters call him Papa. He is my life. I could not ever fathom another man being my Daddy.
Bianca, we all make mistakes, but its how they are handled after is what makes the difference.
My Daddy will be ok. You will be ok. Parker will be ok. Love, love unconditionaly. Muwah!
Thankful that His grace is ALWAYS sufficient! xo
Wow B. Wow. 🙂
I’ll wait for my kids to be of age before I even think of being married again, the blended family thing is too tough
Oh where do I begin….2 of my own 2 step kids newly acquired 2 years ago. We are Brady bunch style all between 6 & 12 – honestly its mostly chaos & noise but all sure to be incredible memories someday – in retrospect:). As parents we aim to instill discipline & the of Christ love always to all equally, but daily I feel disconnect as my step-kids are not my own and jumping in to do disciplinary damage control is entirely exhausting!!! As I inherit “OPK” (other people’s kids) & pick up where severe lack of mothering shows daily it is going to take MUCH grace, prayer, sleep & patience to get through this. I’m not proud of writing this now but I just go day by day and hope to be a good “camp counselor” as I think of myself and over time grow into Mom…its not all good and not all bad. Kind of an endurance test which I simply could not do without God as my source.